THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE    BOOK    OF    FUN. 


THE  RAILWAY 


^ 


8> 


UNIQUE  SPECIMENS  OF 

lit,  famflttr,  $i$MUtt  gtrurfcatt, 

FUN,  LAUGHABLE  INCIDENTS,  BURLESQUE, 
MIRTHFUL  AND  COMICAL  POETRY,  DROLL  SAYINGS,  ftc, 

PARTLY   ORIGINAL, 

gcsigittb  Iff  ^m»ae,  Sfenpcn  Wat,  gisjjd  l|eIja«|jolg. 


BY    RICHARD    BRISK,    ESG^. 


14  A  Merry  Heart  dotli  good  like  Medicine."— Solomon. 


LONDON: 

WILLIAM    NICHOLSON    AND    SONS, 

20,     WARWICK     SQUARE,     PATERNOSTER     ROW, 

AND  ALBION   WORKS,   WAKEFIELD. 


THE  BOOK   OF 

FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 

CHEERFULNESS. 

"  Use  all  proper  means  to  maintain  mental  Hilarity.     This  you  will 
do,  if  you  value  health  and  comfort." — Chesterfield. 

"  And  your  experience  makes  you  sad  !     I  had  rather  have  a  fool 
to  make  me  merry,  than  experience  to  make  me  sad." — Shakspere. 

" He  marie  her  melancholy,  sad,  and  heavy, 

And  so  she  died :   had  she  heen  light,  like  you, 
Of  such  a  merry,  nimble,  stirring'  spirit, 
She  might  have  been  a  g-randam  ere  she  died ; 
And  so  may  you  :  for  a  light  heart  lives  long-." 

Shakspere. 
Cheerfulness  is  a  Christian  duty,  us  well  as  a  politic  philosophy. 
The  reasons  of  cultivating  it  are  innumerable.  The  influence  over 
the  body  is  great.  The  Sacred  Scriptures  inform  us  that  tranquil- 
ity and  cheerfulness  of  mind  contribute  in  no  trifling  degree  to 
health  and  longevity.  Thus  Solomon  says,  (Prov.  xv.  13.)  "  A 
merry  heart  maketh  a  cheerful  countenance,  hut  by  sorrow  of 
the  heart  the  spirit  is  broken."  And  in  verse  15,  he  says  again, 
"He  that  is  of  a  merry  heart  hath  a  continual  feast;"  the 
same  as  if  he  had  said,  A  man  is  far  happier  in  the  possession  of 
a  contented  mind,  than  in  the  enjoyment  of  the  most  delicious 
luxuries.  In  ch.  xvii.  22,  "  A  merry  heart  doeth  good  like  a  me- 
dicine :  but  a  broken  spirit  drieth  the  hones,"  that  is,  it  is  as 
useful  as  any  medicine  to  preserve  the  body  from  sickness  or  pre- 
mature death.  We  may  add  to  these,  the  words  of  Ecclesiasticus, 
ch.  xxx.  22,  "  Gladness  of  heart  is  the  life  of  man,  and  the  joy- 
fulness  of  a  man  prolongeth  his  days."  Therefore  whoever  de- 
sires to  enjoy  health,  should  preserve  cheerfulness.  This  state  of 
mind  creates  an  easy  and  a  gentle  motion  of  the  animal  spirits: 
hence  conies  a  right  motion  of  the  heart  and  arteries,  and  a  proper 
tone  of  the  parts  by  which  the  fluids  are  preserved  in  a  constant 
and  brisk  circulation,  and  from  the  equable  circulation  of  the  fluids, 


16263 


£!0 


0  TTTE    BOOK   01" 

health  is  derived.  It  is  proved  hy  incontrovertible  experience, 
that  men  who  are  blessed  with  a  tranquil  and  cheerful  disposition, 
seldom  suffer  under  any  diseases  though  ever  so  epidemical,  and 
although  they  may  happen  to  be  seized  therewith,  yet  they  do  not 
suffer  much,  notwithstanding  they  may  be  highly  prejudicial  to 
others.  In  diseases  which  are  not  free  from  dangers,  it  is  well 
known  that  medical  men  conceive  high  hopes  of  their  patient's  re- 
covery when  they  do  not  yield  to  despondency. 
Therefore  read  the  following  pages,  and 

"LAUGH  AND  GROW  FAT." 


Advantages  of  Fraternity. — A  man  with  a  harsh  voice  was 
reading  the  Koran  in  a  loud  tone.  A  sage  passed  by,  and  asked, 
"What  is  thy  monthly  stipend?"  He  replied,  "Nothing." 
"Wherefore  then,"  asked  the  sage,  "dost  thou  give  thyself  this 
trouble?'  He  replied,  "  I  read  for  the  sake  of  God."  "Then," 
said  the  sage,  "  for  God's  sake!  read  not." 

If  in  this  fashion  the  Koran  you  read, 
You'll  mar  the  loveliness  of  Islam's  creed. 


AIT  UNEXPECTED  FORTUNE. 

One  morning  a  poor  old  soldier  called  at  the  shop  of  a  hairdres- 
ser, who  was  busy  will)  his  customers,  and  asked  relief,  stating  that 
he  had  stayed  beyond  his  leave  of  absence,  and,  unless  he  could 
get  a  lilt  on  the  coach,  fatigue  and  severe  punishment  awaited 
him.  The  hairdresser  listened  to  his  story  respectfully,  and  gave 
him  a  guinea.  "  God  bless  you,  sir!''  said  the  veteran,  astonish- 
ed at  :b«'  amount.  "  How  can  1  repay  you?  1  have  nothing  in 
the  world  but  this,"  pulling  out  a  dirty  piece  of  paper  from  his 
.  " it  is  a  recipe  for  making  blacking;  the  best  that  ever 
was  seen  :  manj  a  half-guinea  I  have  had  from  the  officers, 
and  many  bottle!   I   have  sold  ;  may  you  be  able  to  get   something 

fin-  it  tn  repay  you  for  your  kindnei  -  to  the  pour  soldier!"  That 
dirty  piece  of  paper  was  tin'  recipe  for  the  renowned  Day  ami  Mar- 
tin- blacking;  ami  that  hairdresser  was  the  late  wealthy  Mr.  Day, 
whose  manufactory  is  one  of  tic  ornaments  of  London,  and  whose 
palace  in  Eteg<  ut's  Park  rivalled  in  magnificence  the  mansions  of 
the  nobility. 


FUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  ' 

Curran  and  Chancellor  Clare— Lord  Chancellor  Clare, 
on  one  occasion,  while  Curran  was  addressing  him  in  a  mostim- 
portant  case,  occupied  himself  with  a  favourite  spaniel,  or  New- 
foundland  dog,  seated  by  him ;  and  all  the  world  will  remember 
the  rebuke  administered  to  him  by  that  rarely-gifted  man.  Cur- 
ran having  ceased  speaking,  through  indignation,  or  malice  pre- 
pense, Lord  Clare,  raised  his  head,  and  asked  :  "  Why  don't  you 
proceed,  Mr.  Curran?"  "  I  thought  your  lordships  were  in  consul- 
tation," replied  Curran. 


The  following  epitaph  is  by  Moore,  on  an  attorney  named  Shaw. 

Here  lies  John  Shaw, 

Attorney  at  Law, 
And  when  he  died, 

The  devil  cried, 
"  Give  us  your  paw, 

John  Shaw, 
Attorney  at  Law  !" — Russell's  Life  of  Moore. 


THE  TALL  GENTLEMAN'S  APOLOGY. 

Upbraid  me  not; — I  never  swore  eternal  love  to  thee, 
For  thou  art  only  five  feet  high,  and  I  am  six  feet  three ; 
1  wonder,  dear,  how  you  supposed  that  I  could  look  so  low, 
There's  many  a  one  can  tie  a  knot,  who  cannot  fix  a  beau. 

Besides  you  must  confess,  my  love,  the  bargain  scarcely  fair, 
For  never  could  we  make  a  match,  altho'  we  made  a  pair ; 
Marriage,  I  know,  makes  one  of  two  ;  but  here's  the  horrid  bore, 
My  friends  declare,  if  you  are  one,  that  I  at  least  am  four. 

'Tis  true  the  moralists  have  said,  that  Love  has  got  no  eyes, 
But  why  should  all  my  sighs  be  heaved  for  one  who  has  no  size? 
And  on  oar  wedding-day,  I'm  sure  I'd  leave  you  in  the  lurch, 
For  you  never  saw  a  steeple,  dear,  in  the  inside  of  a  church. 

'Tis  usual  for  a  wife  to  take  her  husband  by  the  arm, 
But  pray  excuse  me  should  I  hint  a  sort  of  fond  alarm, 
That  when  I  offered  you  my  arm,  that  happiness  to  beg, 
Your  highest  effort,  dear,  would  he  to  take  me  by  the  leg. 

I  do  admit  I  wear  a  glass,  because  my  sight's  not  good, 

But  were  I  always  quizzing  you,  it  might  be  counted  rude: 

And  tho'  I  use  a  concave  lens, — by  all  the  gods !   I  hope 

My  wife  will  ne'er  look  up  to  me  through  a  Herschel's  telescope. 


8  THE  BOOK   OF 

Then  fare  thee  well,  my  gentle  one  !   1  ask  no  parting  kiss, 

I  must  not  break  my  back  to  gain  so  exquisite  a  bliss ; 

Nor  will  I  weep  lest  I  should  hurt  so  delicate  a  flower, — 

The  tears  that  fall  from  such  a  height,  would  be  a  thunder-shower. 

Farewell !  and  pray  don't  drown  yourself  in  a  bason  or  a  tub 
For  that  would  be  a  sore  disgrace  to  all  the  Six-Feet  Club  ; 
But  if  you  ever  love  again,  love  on  a  smaller  plan, 
For  why  extend  to  six  feet  three,  a  life  that's  but  a  span  ! 


Height  of  Gallantry. — At  the  late  "  fair  for  the  blind,"  in 
Boston,  a  sailor  was  strolling  past  a  table  kept  by  a  most  lovely 
woman.  Jack  stopped,  looked  for  a  moment  in  breathless  admi- 
ration, then  took  a  ten-dollar  note  from  his  pocket,  laid  it  on  the 
table,  and  was  passing  on.  "My  good  friend,"  said  the  lady, 
"  won't  you  take  something  for  your  money  ?"  "  I  thank  you,  ma- 
dam," replied  the  tar,  with  another  shy  look  ;  "  I've  had  more  than 
my  money's  worth  already." 


A  YANKEE  PREACHER'S  NOTICE. 

"  I  beg  the  audience  to  be  seated  a  moment.  Rumour  has  come 
to  my  ears  that  a  large  quid  of  tobacco  was  dropped  into  the  Con- 
tribution Box  last  Sabbath.  The  man  who  committed  that  out- 
rage would  do  well  to  pause  in  his  career.      He  is  sliding  down  a 

greased  plank  to  perdition. To-night  there  will  be  preaching 

in  most  of  the  churches. — The  Public  Gardens,  I  am  desired  to 
{jive  notice,  are  also  open.     On  Tuesday  night  there  will  be  ;i  fire, 

Providence  permitting On  Thursday  Evening  the  gates  of  the 

Battery  will  he  thrown  open  for  all  strollers  and  ardent  lovers. — 
There  will  be  a  distracted  Meeting  held  at  Tammany  Hall,  on 
Saturday  Evening,  to  commence  at  early  candle  lighting.  Ad- 
mission gratis;  on  going  out,  one  shilling  will  he  received  by  the 
keeper  at  the  door  for  the  benefit  of  the  .Manual  Labour  Society 
for  the  education  ol  indolent  young  men  fir  the  A.  1>.  F.  Mission 
at  Nootka  Sound. 1  would  observe,  that  one  Millar  is  preach- 
ing up  the  doctrine  that  the  world  is  to  lie  destroyed  in  1854,  but 
don't  yon  believe  it    The  earth  is  just  as  good  as  new,  and  will 

last  for  100  years,  at  the  least  calculation. Those  persons  who 

are  in  tin;  habit  of  coming  late  to  church,  taking  advantage  of  the 
proverb, "  Better  late  than  never,"  would  confers  particular  favour 
upon  me,  and  the  audience  generally,  if  they  would  wear  pumps 

The  clanking  of  the  iron- heeled  boots  does  not  accord  with  the  place, 
nod  it  also  disturbs  those  who  may  be  taking  a  comfortable  snooze 


FTJN   AND  AMUSEMENT.  9 

at  the  time. My  friends  are  particularly  requested  not  to  bang 

round  the  door  after  the  service  is  over,  as  it  not  only  gives  the  house 
the  appearance  of  a  Grog  Shop,  hut  it  is  extremely  annoying  to 

many  ladies. It  will  he  proper  here  for  me  to  state  that  a  part 

of  the  receipts  arising  from  the  circulation  of  the  Saturday  Morn- 
ing Mercury,  in  which  my  Sermons  are  printed,  are  appropriated 
to  my  benefit;  and  I  wish  you  all  to  patronize  that  interesting 
little  paper  for  my  sake,  and  your  own  especial  good. 


SYMPATHY. 

A  KNIGHT  and  a  lady  once  met  in  a  grove, 
"While  each  was  in  quest  of  a  fugitive  love ; 
A  river  ran  mournfully  murmuring-  by, 
And  they  wept  in  its  waters  for  sympathy. 

"  0  never  was  knight  such  a  sorrow  that  bore  !" — 
"  0  never  w;is  maid  so  deserted  before !" — 
"  From  life  and  its  woes  let  us  instantly  fly, 
And  jump  in  together  for  company  !" — 

They  searched  for  an  eddy  that  suited  the  deed — 
But  here  was  a  bramble,  and  there  was  a  weed ; 
"  How  tiresome  it  is,"  said  the  fair,  with  a  sigh ; 
So  they  sat  down  to  rest  them  in  company. 

They  gazed  on  each  other,  the  maid  and  the  knight ; 
How  fair  was  her  form,  and  how  goodly  his  height ; 
"  One  mournful  embrace  !"  sobb'd  the  youth,  "  ere  we  die  !" 
So  kissing  and  crying  kept  company. 

41  0  had  I  but  loved  such  an  angel  as  you !" — 
"  0  had  but  my  swain  been  a  quarter  as  true !" — 
44  To  miss  such  perfection  how  blinded  was  I !" — 
Sure  now  they  were  excellent  company  ! 

At  length  spoke  the  lass,  'twixt  a  smile  and  a  tear — 
"  The  weather  is  cold  for  a  watery  bier ; 
When  summer  returns  we  may  easily  die — 
Till  then  let  us  sorrow  in  company." 


Classical  CoilS. —  How  would  you  address  an  avaricious  man? 
Ah  miser — Hor.  How  would  a  Cockney  describe  a  young  man 
who  studies  in  the  evening?  Intent  at  a  nites — lion.  To  avoid 
an  act  of  offence?  Elude t — Teb.  Lucinda  is  told  to  welcome  her 
brothers  ;  Cum  Luce  salul'm. — Mart.  A  thing  is  mislaid  ?  No- 
tandi—  Hor.     Slang  for  a  bow.     A  dig  at  me — Via. 


10  THE    BOOK   OF 

Awkward  Candour.—"  What  are  you  about, my  dear?"  said 
his  grandmother  to  a  little  boy  who  was  sidling  about  the  room 
and  casting  furtive  glances  at  a  gentleman  who  was  paying  a  visit. 
"  I  am  trying,  grandmamma,  to  steel  papa's  hat  out  of  the  room, 
without  letting  that  gentleman  see  it ;  for  papa  wants  him  to  think 
that  he  is  out." 


A  COMPARISON. 

Man  is  the  rugged  lofty  pine, 

Who  frowns  on  many  a  wave-beat  shore ; 
Woman's  the  slender  graceful  vine, 
Whose  curling  tendrils  round  it  twine, 

And  deck  its  rough  bark  sweetly  o'er. 

Man's  the  rock  whose  towering  crest, 

Frowns  o'er  the  mountain's  barren  side ; 
Woman's  the  soft  and  mossy  vest, 
That  loves  to  clasp  his  sterile  breast, 
And  deck  his  brow  with  verdant  pride. 

Man  is  the  cloud  of  coming  storm, 

Dark  as  the  raven's  murky  plume, 
Save  where  the  sunbeam  bright  and  warm, 
Of  woman's  soul,  and  woman's  form, 

Gleams  sweetly  o'er  the  gathering  gloom. 

Yes,  lovely  sex !  to  you  'tis  given, 

To  rule  our  hearts  with  angel's  sway, — 
Blend  with  each  woe  a  blissful  leaven 
Change  earth  into  an  embryo  heaven, 
And  gently  smile  our  cares  away  ! 


A  correspondent  of  the  Dublin  Warder,  writing  upon  the  budget, 
says  with  much  candour: — "As  for  myself,  1  was  born  with  a  dis- 
taste for  taxes;  ami  my  grandmother— the  heavens  be  her  lied! — 
used  often  to  tell  the  story,  how  I  settled  a  crooked  piu  in  the  chair 
that  I  expected  Dunlop,  the  hearth  money  collector,  to  sit  down 
in  ;  ami  if  it  didn't  take  a  lively  ho])  out  o'  the  same  man,  when  lie 
dhropt  down  on  it  witli  a  mingled  air  o  weariness  and  dogin-oliice 

assurance,  it's  a  quare  thing,  1  wasn't  six  months  in  corduroys 
at  the  time,  and  I  only  wonder  1  didn't  gel  a  piece  o'  plate  from 
some  of  the  family's  old  acquaintances,  they  bit  so  pleased  at  tins 
early  development  of  the  organ  of  passive  resistance." 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  11 


Gi  veh  imb  utro  peen  oug  han  dhe'  llha  nghi  mse  If. 

AN  EFFECTUAL  CURE  FOR  LOVE. 

Recommended  to  the  attention  of  M 

By  a  Member  of  the  Humane  Society. — J.  Ketch  Esq.  President. 

The  one  end  of  a  rope  fasten  over  a  beam, 
And  make  a  slip  noose  at  the  other  extreme ; 
Then  just  underneath  let  a  cricket  be  set, 
On  which  let  the  lover  most  manfully  get : 
Then  over  his  head  the  snecket  be  got, 
And  under  one  ear  be  well  settled  the  knot ; 
The  cricket  kick'd  down,  let  him  take  a  fair  swing, 
And  leave  all  the  rest  of  the  work  to  the  string. 

Heth  atli  cksh  one  yfro  mtbo  rasp  ayst  oode  arf  orit 


AN  ANATHEMA. 

Jean  Paul  Richter  having  observed  that  a  Lady  officer,  if  she 
wanted  to  give  the  word  "  halt,"  would  do  it  in  this  train  ; — "  You 
soldiers,  all  of  you,  now  mind,  I  order  you,  as  soon  as  I  have  fin- 
ished speaking,  to  stand  still,  every  one  of  you,  on  the  spot  where 
you  happen  to  be,  don't  you  hear  me  ?  Halt,  I  say,  all  of  you." 
Upon  this  a  strong-minded  woman,  in  an  American  paper,  makes 
the  following  comment: — "  Now,  Monsieur  Jean,  it  was  an  un- 
lucky day  you  wrote  that  sentence.  May  you  never  hear  anything 
but  that  little  concise  word,  '  No,*  from  every  rosy  lip  you  meet. 
May  you  '  halt'  wifeless  through  life ;  may  your  buttons  be  snap- 
pish, your  strings  knotty,  and  your  stockings  full  of  holes.  May 
your  boot-jack  be  missing,  your  feet  corned,  your  shaving  water  be 
cold,  your  razor  dull,  your  hair  stand  up,  and  your  collar  lie  down  ; 
may  your  beard  be  porcupiny,  your  whiskers  thinly  settled,  and 
your  moustaches  curl  the  wrong  way  ;  may  your  coffee  be  muddy, 
your  toast  smooky,  and  your  tea  water  bewitched.  And  with  a 
never  dying  desire  for  affection,  may  you  crawl  through  creation 
a  weak,  miserable,  nasty,  folorn,  fidgetty,  fussy,  ridiculous,  ruined, 
dejected,  ragged  old  bachelor.     Amen." 


"  Here  you  little  rascal,  walk  up  and  give  an  account  of  your- 
self. Where  have  you  been  ?" — "  After  the  girls,  father." — "  After 
the  girls  !  Did  you  ever  know  me  to  do  so  when  I  was  a  boy  ?" 
"  No,  sir,  but  mother  did." 


12  THE   BOOK   OP 

A  PRACTICAL  JOKE. 

The  only  practical  joke  in  which  Mr.  Barnaul  was  ever  person- 
ally engaged  was  as  a  boy  at  Canterbury,  when,  with  a  schoolfellow, 
now  a  gallant  major  "lamed  for  deeds  of  arms,"  he  entered  a 
Quakers'  meeting-house;  and,  looking  around  at  the  grave  assem- 
bly, the  latter  held  up  a  penny  tart,  and  said,  solemnly,  "  Whoever 
speaks  first  shall  have  this  pie."  "  Go  thy  way  (answered  a  drab- 
coloured  gentleman,  rising) — go  thy  way  and .''     "  The  pie's 

yours,  sir,''  exclaimed  Barham,  and  placing  it  before  the  astonish- 
ed speaker,  he  hastily  effected  his  escape. 


BUSINESS  AND  RELIGION. 

A  layman  in  Providence,  who  occasionally  exhorted  at  evening 
meetings,  thus  explained  his  belief  in  the  existence  of  a  Deity  : 
"  Brethren,  I  am  just  as  confident  that  there  is  a  Supreme  Being, 
as  I  am  that  there  is  flour  in  Alexandria :  and  that  I  know  for 
certain,  as  1  yesterday  received  from  there  a  lot  of  three  hundred 
barrels  of  fresh  superfine,  which  I  will  sell  as  low  as  any  other  per- 
son in  town." 


THE  HASTINGS  MILKMAN. 

Jinks,  the  Hastings  milkman,  one  morning  forgot  to  water  his 
milk.  In  the  hall  of  the  first  customer  in  his  round,  the  sad 
omission,  Bashed  upon  Jink's  wounded  feelings.  A  large  tub  of 
fine  char  water  stood  on  the  floor  by  his  side,  no  eve  was  upon  him, 
and  thrice  did  Jinks  dilute  his  milk  with  a  large  measure  tilled 
from  the  tub,  before  the  maid  brought  up  her  jugs.  Jinks  served 
her,  and  went  on.  While  he  was  bellowing  down  the  next  area, 
his  first  customer's  footman  beckoned  to  him  from  the  door.  Jinks 
returned  and  was  immediately  ushered  into  the  library.     There  sat 

my  lord,  who  had  JUSI  tasted  the  milk.  "Jinks;-  said  his  lord- 
ship, "  My  lord!"  replied  Jinks.  "Jinks,"  COUl  unci  his  lordship, 
"I  should  feel  particularly  obliged  if  you  would  henceforth  bring 
me  the  milk  and  water  separately,  ami  allow  me  the  favour  of  mix- 
ing them  myself."  "  Well,  my  lord,  it'fi  Useless  to  deny  the  thing, 
i  •  >  i-  I  .suppose  your  lordship  watched  me  while "  "No,"  in- 
terrupted the  nobleman  ;  '■the  fad  is,  that  my  children  bathe  at 
home,  Jinks,  and  the  tub  in  the  hall  was  full  ol  sea  water,  Jinks.'' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  13 

JUVENILE  PRECOCITY. 

Boys  are  nearly  an  extinct  race.  There  is  scarcely  an  interme- 
diate stage  between  childhood  and  desperadoism.  The  rowdy  in- 
fant is  no  sooner  out  of  his  long  clothes  than  he  exhibits  the  incip- 
ient traits  of  the  dandy  "  loafer,"  and  by  the  time  he  is  fairly  jack- 
eted he  wants  a  tobacco-pouch,  a  pack  of  cards,  and  learns  to 
swear  like  a  pirate.  At  the  age  often  he  begins  to  run  with  the 
"  viasheen,''  and  his  mother  generally  knows  he  is  out,  because  he 
is  very  seldom  in.  At  the  age  of  twelve  he  smokes,  drinks,  and 
speaks  of  his  parents  as  "  the  old  man  and  old  woman."  At  fif- 
teen he  wants  a  gold  watch  and  revolver,  and  talks  about  "  lam- 
ming" every  body  that  don't  keep  out  of  his  way.  At  eighteen  he 
is  the  "  fastest"  youth  about  town,  talks  of  setting  up  lor  himself, 
scribbles  love-letters,  and  becomes  a  perfect  adept  in  games  of 
chance;  can  drink  more  champagne  and  eat  more  raw  oysters 
than  any  man  of  his  inches.  About  this  time,  his  father  withholds 
his  speriding-money,  and  the  young  hopeful  thinks  it  a  capital 
idea  to  run  away  where  he  can  enjoy  his  "  liberty  ;"  and  after  sow- 
ing Ins  "  wild  oats"  abroad,  returns  home,  satisfied  that  the  "  old 
folks"  are  not  such  great  fools  after  all. — Oswego  Journal. 


A  FRIGHTFUL  CONTINGENCY. 

A  farmer  from  the  neighbourhood  of  Galston  took  his  wife  to 
see  the  wonders  of  the  microscope,  which  happened  to  be  exhibit- 
ing in  Kilmarnock.  The  various  curiosities  seemed  to  please  the 
good  woman  very  well,  till  the  animalcula?  contained  in  a  drop  of 
water  came  to  be  shown  off.  These  seemed  to  poor  Janet  not  so 
very  pleasant  a  sight  as  the  others.  She  sat  patiently,  however, 
till  the  "  water  timers,"  magnified  to  the  size  of  twelve  feet,  appeared 
on  the  sheet,  fighting  with  their  usual  ferocity.  Janet  now  rose 
in  great  trepidation,  and  cried  to  her  husband,  "  For  gudesake, 
come  awa,  John."  "  Sit  still,  woman,"  said  John,  "  and  see  the 
show."  "  See  the  show  ! — gude  keep  us  a'man,  what  wad  come  o' 
us  if  the  awfu'-like  brutes  wad  break  oot  'o  the  water  ?" 


Shaking  Hands  at  a  Duel.— At  a  recent  duel  near  Vicks- 
burgh,  the  parties  discharged  their  pistols  without  effect,  where- 
upon one  of  the  seconds  interfered  and  proposed  that  the  comba- 
tants should  shake  hands.  To  this  the  other  second  objected  as 
unnecessary.  "  Their  hands,"  said  he,  "  have  been  shaking  this 
half-hour." 


14  THE   BOOK  OP 

A  MAN  WITHOUT  MONEZ 

A  man  without  money  is  a  body  without  a  soul — a  walking 
death— a  spectre  that  frightens  every  one.  His  countenance 
is  sorrowful,  and  his  conversation  languishing  and  tedious. 
If  he  calls  upon  an  acquaintance  he  never  finds  him  at  home, 
and  if  he  opens  his  mouth  to  speak,  he  is  interrupted  every 
moment,  so  that  he  may  not  have  a  chance  to  finish  his  dis- 
course, whi?h,  it  is  feared,  will  end  with  asking  for  money. 
He  is  avoided  like  a  person  infected  with  disease,  and  is  re- 
garded as  an  incumbrance  to  the  earth.  Want  wakes  him 
up  in  the  morning,  and  misery  accompanies  him  to  his  bed 
at  night.  The  ladies  discover  that  he  is  an  awkward  booby 
— landlords  believe  that  he  lives  upon  air,  and  if  he  wants 
any  thing  from  a  tradesman,  he  is  asked  for  cash  before 
delivery. 


Sir  "Walter  Raleigh,  when  on  a  visit  at  the  country-house 
of  a  nobleman,  overheard,  early  in  the  morning,  the  lady  of 
the  house  inquiring  whether  the  pis;s  had  had  their  breakfast. 
When  she  came  down  stairs,  Sir  Walter,  after  the  first  com- 
pliments, jocosely  asked  her,  whether  the  pigs  had  breakfasted. 
No,  replied  the  lady,  not  all  of  them,  for  you  have  not  had 
yours  yet. 

SAM  SLICK'S 
DESCRIPTION   OF   A   TEE-TOTALLER. 

I  once  travelled  through  all  the  States  of  Maine  with  one 
of  them  ar  chaps.  He  was  as  thin  as  a  whippin  post.  His 
skin  looked  like  a  blown  bladder  after  some  of  the  air  has 
leaked  out,  kinder  wrinkled  and  rumpled  like,  and  his  eye  as 
dim  as  a  lamp  that's  livin  on  a  short  allowance  of  ile.  He  put 
me  in  mind  of  a  pair  of  kitchen  tongs,  all  legs,  shaft,  and  head, 
and  no  belly  :  real  gander-gutted  lookin  critter,  as  hollor  as  a 
bamboo  walking  cane,  and  twice  as  yaller.  He  actilly  looked 
as  if  he  had  been  picked  off  a  rack  at  sea,  and  dragged  through 
a  gimlet  hole.  He  was  a  lawyer.  Thinks  I,  Lor  a  massy  on 
your  clients,  you  mawky,  half-starved,  hungry  looking  critter 
you  ;  you'll  eat  'em  up  alive  as  sure  as  I'm  born.  You  are 
just  tlic  chap  to  st rain  at  a  gnat  and  swallow  a  camel,  tank, 
shank,  aud  Hank,  all  at  a  gulp. 


FUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  15 

DEATHS  OF  KINGS. 

William  the  Conqueror  died  from  enormous  fat,  from  drink,  and 
from  the  violence  of  his  passions. 

William  Enf'us  died  the  death  of  those  poor  stags  that  he  hunted. 

Henry  the  First  died  of  gluttony,  having  eaten  too  much  of  a 
dish  of  lampreys. 

Stephen  died  in  a  few  days  of  what  was  called  iliac  passion, 
which  we  may  suppose  may  be  a  Royal  word  for  prussic  acid,  or 
something  like  it. 

Henry  the  Second  died  of  a  broken  heart,  occasioned  by  the 
bad  conduct  of  his  children.  A  broken  heart  is  a  very  odd  com- 
plaint for  a  monarch  to  die  of.  Perhaps  "  ratsbane  in  his  por- 
ridge" meant  the  same  thing  as  a  broken  heart. 

Richard  Cceur  de  Lion  died,  like  the  animal  from  which  his 
heart  was  named,  by  an  arrow  from  an  archer. 

John  died  nobody  knows  how,  but,  it  is  said,  of  chagrin,  which 
we  suppose  is  another  term  for  a  dose  of  hellebore. 

Henry  the  Third  is  said  to  have  died  a  "  natural  death,"  which 
with  kings  and  in  palaces,  means  the  most  unnatural  death  by 
which  a  mortal  can  shuttle  off  this  "  mortal  coil." 

Edward  the  First  is  likewise  said  to  have  died  of  a  "  natural 
sickness,"  which  it  would  puzzle  all  the  Colleges  of  Physicians  to 
denominate. 

Edward  the  Second  was  most  barbarously,  indecently  murdered, 
by  ruffians  employed  by  his  own  mother  and  her  paramour. 

Edward  the  Third  died  of  dotage,  and  Eichard  the  Second  of 
starvation,  the  very  reverse  of  George  the  Fourth. 

Henry  the  Fourth  is  said  to  have  died  of  fits  caused  by  uneasi- 
ness, and  uneasiness  in  palaces,  at  those  times,  was  a  very  com- 
mon complaint. 

Henry  the  Fifth  is  said  to  have  died  "  of  a  painful  affliction  pre- 
maturely."    This  is  a  courtly  phrase  for  getting  rid  of  a  king. 

Henry  the  Sixth  died  in  prison,  by  means  known  then  onlv  to 
his  gaoler,  and  known  only  by  Heaven. 

Edward  the  Fifth  was  strangled  in  the  Tower  by  his  uncle  Rich- 
ard the  Third,  whom  Hume  declares  to  have  possessed  every  qual- 
ity for  government.  This  Eichard  the  Third  was  killed  in  a  battle  ; 
fairly,  of  course,  for  all  kings  were  either  killed  fairly,  or  died  na- 
turally, according  to  the  court  circulars  of  those  days. 

Henry  the  Seventh  wasted  away,  as  a  miser  ought  to  do,  and 
Henry  the  Eighth  died  of  carbuncles,  fat,  and  fury,  while  Edward 
the  Sixth  died  of  a  decline. 

Queen  Mary  is  said  to  have  died  of  "a  broken  heart,"  whereas 


16  THE   BOOK   OP 

she  died  of  a  surfeit  from  eating  too  much  black -puddiugs,  het 
sanguinary  nature  being  prone  to  blood  of  any  sort. 

Old  Queen  Bess  is  said  to  have  died  of  melancholy  from  having 
sacrificed  Essex  to  his  enemies. 

James  the  First  died  from  drinking  and  the  effects  of  a  name- 
less vice. 

Charles  the  First  died  a  "  righteous"  death  on  the  scaffold,  and 
Charles  the  Second  died  suddenly  it  is  said  of  apoplexy. 

William  the  Third  died  from  a  consumptive  habit  of  the  body 
and  from  the  stumbling  of  his  horse. 

Queen  Ann  died  from  her  attachment  to  "  strong  water,"  or,  in 
other  words,  from  drunkenness,  which  the  physicians  politely  call- 
ed the  dropsy. 

George  the  First  died  of  drunkenness,  which  his  physicians  as 
politely  called  an  apoplectic  fit. 

George  the  Second  died  of  a  rupture  of  the  heart,  which  the  pe- 
riodicals of  the  day  termed  a  visitation  of  God. 

George  the  Third  died  as  he  had  lived — a  madman.  Through- 
out life  he  was  at  least  a  consistent  monarch. 

George  the  Fourth  died  of  gluttony  and  drunkenness. 

William  the  Fourth  died  amidst  the  sympathies  of  his  subjects 
American  Paper. 


Inquiring  Boy. — "  Father,  it  speaks  here  about  illuminated 
manuscripts.  What  were  they  lighted  with  ?"  The  father  hesita- 
ted, and  when  the  question  was  repeated,  answered  desperately, 
"  With  the  light  of  other  days,  my  son !" 


One  Scotchman  complained  that  he  had  got  a  ringing  in  his 
head.  "  Do  you  ken  the  reason  of  that  ?"  asked  his  worthy  crony. 
"No."  "  I'll  tell  you — it's  because  it's  empty."  "And  have  ye 
never  a  ringing  in  your  head  f"  "  No,  never."  "  And  do  ye  ken 
the  reason  ? — it's  because  it's  crackit." 


When  the  late  Lord  Erskine,  then  going  the  circuit,  was  asked 
by  his  landlord  how  he  had  slept,  he  replied,"  Union  is  strength— a 
fact  of  which  your  inmates  seem  to  lie  unaware  :  fur,  had  the  fleas 
been  unanimous  last  night,  they  might  have  pushed  me  out  of  bed." 
M  Fleas!"  exclamed  Boniface,  affecting  great  astonishment,"  1  was 

not  aware  that  1  had  a  single  one  in  the  house."  "  I  don't  believe 
you  have,"  retorted  his  Lordship,  "  they  are  all  married,  and  have 
uncommonly  large  lamilies!" 


FUN    AND    AMCSEMENT.  17 

An  Irishman  having  arrived  from  Dublin  at  the  house  of  a 
respectable  merchant  in  the  borough,  and  having  left  Ireland 
Ihree  weeks  before,  brought  with  him  a  basket  of  eggs;  his 
friend  asked  him  why  he  took  the  trouble  to  bring  eggs  from 
Ireland  to  England?  "Because,"  said  he,  " I  am  fond  of 
them  new  laid,  and  I  knew  these  to  be  so." 


THE  ROBBER  ROBB'D. 

A  certain  priest  had  hoarded  up 

A  mass  of  secret  gold  ; 
And  where  he  might  bestow  it  safe, 

He  knew  not  to  behold. 

At  last  it  came  into  his  thoughts 

To  lock  it  in  a  chest, 
Within  the  chancel ;  and  he  wrote 

Thereon,  Hie  Deus  est. 

A  merry  grig,  whose  greedy  mind 

Did  long  for  such  a  prey, 
.Respecting  not  the  sacred  words 

That  on  the  casket  lay. 

Took  out  the  gold  ;  and  blotting  out 
The  priest's  inscript  thereon, 

Wrote,  Resurrexit,  non  est  hie  ; 
Your  god  is  rose  and  gone. 


PROVERBS. 

Bakein  it  neet  macks  doafy  bread. 

A  full  belly  macks  regs  donee. 

Scouldin  wives  macks  drucken  husbands. 

Jest  we  a  monkey  an  il  bite  ye  if  he  can. 

A  red  nose  costs  more  keepin  e  repair  then  a  brass  rapper. 

A  man  wethaght  brass  iz  leetly  look't  on. 

Before  yo  go  tut  draper's  shop  look  twice  in  tut  pantry, 

Keep  company  we  a  sweep  an  yor  sure  to  get  dab'd  we  sooit. 

A  wise  man  on  hiz  head  iz  better  than  a  food  on  hiz  legs, 

Its  better  ta  be  lame  it  heel  then  it  head. 


A  lazy  tellow,  named  Jack  Hole,  living  near  Covington  Ken- 
tucky, wants  to  throw  Fonotype  clear  into  the  shade.  lie  mali  sa 
a  big  "  J"  and  then  jabs  his  pen  through  the  paper  for  the  "  Hole." 

B 


18  THE   BOOK   OF 

MISGIVINGS  OE  AN  OLD  BACHELOR. 

Aged  30.  Looked  back  through  a  vista  of  10  years— remembered 
that  at  20  I  looked  upon  a  man  of  30  as  a  middle  aged  man— won- 
dered at  my  error  and  protracted  the  middle  age  to  40 — said  to  myself 
"  40  is  the  age  of  wisdom" — reflected  generally  upon  my  past  life — 
wished  myself  20  again,  and  exclaimed  "if  I  were  but  20  what  a 
scholar  I  could  be  by  30  !  but  it's  too  late  now" — looked  in  the  glass — 
still  youthful  but  getting  rather  fat — Smellfungus  says  "  A  fool  at  40 
is  a  fool  indeed" — 40  therefore  must  be  the  age  of  wisdom. 

31.  Read  in  the  Morning  Chronicle  that  a  watchmaker  in  Paris 
aged  31  had  shot  himself  for  love  !  more  fool  the  watchmaker — agreed 
that  nobody  fell  in  love  after  20— Quoted  Sterne — The  expression  fall 
in  love,  evidently  shows  love  to  be  beneath  a  man— went  to  Drury 
Lane — Saw  Miss  Incumpips  in  a  side  box — fell  in  love  with  her — re- 
ceived her  ultimatum — was  three  months  making  up  my  mind  (a  long 
time  for  making  up  so  small  a  parcel)  when  I  learnt  that  she  had  eloped 
with  a  title— pretended  to  be  devilish  glad — took  three  turns  up  and 
down  the  library  and  looked  in  glass — getting  rather  fat  and  florid — 
Met  a  friend  in  Gray's  Inn  who  said  I  was  evidently  in  rude  health 
— thought  the  compliment  much  ruder. 

32.  Passion  for  dancing  rather  on  the  decline — voted  sitting  out 
play  and  farce,  one  of  the  impossibilities — still  in  stage  box  three 
nights  per  week — sympathized  with  the  public  in  their  vexation  at 
my  non-attendance  the  other  three — can't  please  every  body — began 
to  wonder  at  the  pleasure  of  kicking  one's  heels  on  a  chalked  floor  'till 
four  in  the  morning — sold  bay  mare  who  reared  at  three  carriages 
and  shook  me  out  of  the  saddle — thought  saddle  making  rather  worse 
than  formerly — hair  growing  thin,  bought  a  bottle  of  trocosian  fluid 
— mem.  'a  flattering  unction.' 

33.  Hair  thinner — serious  thoughts  of  a  wig — met  on  old  collegian 
who  wears  one — devil  in  a  bush — serious  thoughts  of  letting  it  alone 
— met  a  fellow  Etonian  in  the  Mall,  who  told  me  I  wore  well !  won- 
dered what  lie  could  mean — gave  up  cricket  club  on  account  of  the 
bad  air  about  Paddington — could  not  run  in  without  being  out  ot 
breath. 

34.  Measured  for  a  new  coat— tailor  proposed  fresh  measure,  hint- 
ed something  about  bulk — old  measure  too  short — parchment  shrinks 
— shortened  my  morning  ride  to  Hampstead  ami  Highgate,  and  won- 
dered what  people  could  sec  at  Hendon — determined  never  to  marrj — 
means  dubious  and  expensive — counted  eighteen  bald  heads  in  the 
pit  at  the  opera — so  much  the  better — the  more  the  merrier. 

35.  Tried  on  an  old  great  coat  mid  found  it  an  old  little  one — cloth 
shrinks  as  well  as  parchment— red  lace  in  putting  on  shoes,  bought  a 
shoe  horn — Remember  quizzing  uncle  George  tin-  using  one — then 
young  and  foolish — brother  Charles's  wife  lay-in  of  her  eighth  child  ! 

ervedhim  right  for  marrying  so  young  as  SI — age  of  discretion 


TUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  19 

too  ! — hunting  belta  for  gentlemen  hung1  up  in  glovers'  windows — long- 
ed to  buy  one  but  saw  two  ladies  in  shop  cheapening  elastic  ties — three 
grey  hairs  in  eye-brows. 

36.  Several  grey  hairs  in  whiskers — all  owing  to  carelessness  in 
manufacturing  shaving  soap — remember  thinking  father  an  old  man 
at  36 — settled  the  point — men  aged  sooner  in  former  days — laid  blame 
on  flapped  waistcoats  and  tie  wigs — skaited  on  Serpentine — gout — 
very  foolish  exercise,  only  fit  for  boys — gave  skaits  to  Charles's  eldest 
boy. 

37.  Fell  in  love  again — rather  pleased  to  find  myself  not  too  old  for 
the  passion — Emma  only  19 — what  then  ?  women  require  protectors  — 
day  settled — devilishly  frightened — too  late  to  get  off — luckily  jilted, 
Emma  married  cousin  James  one  day  before  me — again  determined 
never  to  marry — turned  off  old  tailor,  and  took  to  a  new  one  in  Bond 
street — some  of  those  fellows  make  a  man  look  ten  years  younger — 
not  that  that  was  the  reason. 

38.  Stuck  rather  more  to  dinner  parties-  gave  up  country  dancing 
— money  musk  rather  more  fatiguing  than  formerly — fiddlers  play  too 
quick — quadrilles  stealing  hither  over  the  channel — thoughts  of  adding 
to  "  grown  gentlemen  taught  to  dance" — a  friend  dubbed  me  one  of 
the  over-growns — very  impertinent  and  utterly  untrue. 

39.  Quadrilles  rising — wondered  sober  mistresses  of  families  would 
allow  their  carpets  to  be  beat  after  that  fashion.  Dinner  parties  in- 
creasing—  found  myself  gradually  tontineing  it  towards  the  top  of  the 
table — dreaded  ultima  thute  of  Hostesses  elbow — good  place  for  cutting 
turkeys — bad  for  cutting  jokes — wondered  why  I  was  always  desired 
to  walk  up — met  two  school-fellows  at  Pimlico — both  fat  and  red-faced 
— used  to  say  at  school  they  were  both  of  my  age — what  lies  boys  tell ! 

40.  Looked  back  ten  years — remember  at  thirty  thinking  forty  a 
middle  aged  man— must  have  meant  fifty.  Fifty  certainly  the  age  of 
wisdom — determined  to  be  wise  in  ten  years — wished  to  learn  music 
and  Italian.  Tried  logics — 'twould  not  do — no  defect  in  capacity — 
but  those  thing's  should  be  learnt  in  childhood. 

41.  New  furnished  chambers — looked  in  new  glass — chin  still  dou- 
ble— art  of  glass  making  on  the  decline — sold  my  horse,  and  wondered 
people  could  find  any  pleasure  in  being  bumped— what  were  legs  made 
for  ? 

42.  Gout  again — that  disease  certainly  attacks  young  people  more 
than  formerly — caught  myself  at  a  rubber  of  whist,  and  blushed — tried 
my  hand  at  original  composition,  and  found  a  hankering  after  epigram 
and  satire — wondered  I  could  never  write  love  sonnets — imitated  Ho- 
race's Ode,  Ne  sit  Anulta — did'nt  mean  any  thing  serious  — thought 
Susan  certainly  civil  and  attentive. 

43.  Bought  a  hunting  belt— braced  myself  'till  ready  to  burst- 
corpulency  not.  to  be  trifled  with — threw  it  aside— young  men,  now  a 
day,  are  much  too  small  in  the  waist— read  in  the  Morning  Post— "A 
never  failing  specific" — bought  it— never  the  thinner  though  much  the 
thicker. 


20  THE   BOOK   OV 

44.  Met  Fanny  Stapylton,  (now  Mrs.  Meadows,)  at  Bullock's 
Museum — twenty-five  years  ago  wanted  to  marry  her — what  an 
escape  ! — women  certainly  age  much  sooner  than  men — Charles's  eld- 
est son  begins  to  think  himself  a  man — starched  cravat  and  a  cane  ! — 
what  presumption — at  his  years  I  was  a  child — suppose  he  will  soon 
be  thinking  of  a  wife — hinted  my  apprehension  to  brother  Charles,  but 
did'nt  like  his  knowing  look  when  he  asked  what  benefit  I  had  derived 
from  prudent  delay — thought  of  his  eight  children,  but  spared  his 
feelings. 

45  A  few  wrinkles  about  the  eyes,  commonly  termed  crows'  feet — 
must  have  caught  cold— began  to  talk  politics,  and  shirk  the  drawing 
room — eulogized  Garrick — saw  nothing  in  Kean — talked  of  Lord  North 
— wondered  at  the  licentiousness  of  the  modern  press — why  can't  peo- 
ple be  civil,  like  Junius  and  John  Wilkes,  in  the  good  old  times? 

4G.  Rather  on  the  decline,  hut  still  handsome  and  interesting — 
growing  dislike  to  the  company  of  young  men — all  of  them  talk  too 
much  or  too  little — began  to  call  chambermaids  at  inns  "  my  dear  " — 
listened  to  a  homily  from  a  married  friend,  about  family  expenses — 
price  of  bread,  and  butcher's  meat — did'nt  care  a  jot  if  bread  was  a 
shilling  a  roll,  and  meat  fifty  pounds  a  calf — hugged  myself  in  "  sin- 
gle blessedness" — and  wished  him  good  morning. 

47.  Top  of  head  quite  bald— pleaded  Lord  Grey  in  justification — 
shook  it  on  reflecting  I  was  but  three  years  removed  from  the  age  of 
wisdom — teeth  sound,  but  not  so  white  as  heretofore — something  the 
matter  with  the  dentifrice — began  to  be  cautious  in  chronology — bad 
thing  to  remember  too  far  back — had  serious  thoughts  of  not  remember- 
ing Miss  Farrer. 

48.  Quite  settled  not  to  remember  Miss  Farrer — told  Laura  Willis 
that  Palmer,  (who  died  when  1  was  nineteen,)  certainly  did  not  look 
forty-three. 

49.  Resolved  never  to  marry  for  any  thing  but  money  or  rank. 

50.  Age  of  wisdom — married  my  cook  !  It  would  be  tedious  to  pur- 
ine them  beyond  this  critical  period.  May  this  brief  chronicle  of  my 
dear  bought  experience  prove  abundantly  useful. 


Extraordinary  Dispatch. — The  editor  of  an  American  pa- 
per, in  describing  the  rapid  sale  of  his  journal,  assures  those  who 
choose  to  believe  him  that  it  goes  off  like  greased  lightning. 


Booth,  the  tragedian,  had  the  misfortune  to  have  his  nose  bro- 
ken by  Tom  Flynn,  some  years  since.  A  lady  once  said  to  him, 
"  I  like  your  acting  and  beautiful  reading,  .Mr.  Booth  ;  but  I  can- 
not gel  over  your  nose."  "  No  wonder,  madam,''  replied  he,  "the 
bridge  is  gone '" 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  21 

BOOTS  versus  STOCKINGS. 

A  commercial  gentleman  going  into  the  Traveller's  room  at  one 
of  the  inns  at  Barnsley,  inquired  for  the  boots.  In  a  few  minutes 
a  shrimp  of  a  lad  presented  himself.  "  Well,''  said  the  traveller, 
"  are  you  the  boots  ?"  The  youth,  supposing,  no  doubt,  that  the 
gentleman  was  up  to  sport,  replied,  "No,  I'm  the  stockings,  Sur." 
The  traveller,  not  exactly  pleased  with  the  answer,  asked  him 
what  he  meant  by  such  a  reply?  "  Wha,"  repeated  the  boy,  in  a 
sort  of  simple  laugh,  "I'm  the  stockings,  Sur."  "Stockings, 
what  do  you  mean  by  stockings,  you  impertinent  snapper,  you  ?" 
"  Wha,  Sur,"  said  the  boy,  with  an  unaltered  countenance,  "  a'm 
under  booils,  so  ha  must  be  stockings,  Sur."  The  gentleman 
turned  round  to  the  window,  and  laughed  heartily,  and  the  rogue 
of  a  lad  walked  gravely  away. 


RIDDLE. 

A  word  by  grammarians  used  in  our  tongue, 

Of  such  a  construction  is  seen, 
That  if  from  rive  syllables  you  take  away  one, 

No  syllable  then  will  remain. 


^  X    S  X  _ 


TO  KEEP  AWAY  CREDITORS. 

Creditors  are  a  species  of  parasite,  infesting  the  human  race, 
and  usually  brought  on  by  luxurious  living.  Persons  who  are 
troubled  with  them  may  free  themselves  by  the  Bankrupt  treat- 
ment;  but  this  always  leaves  an  unpleasant  irritation  behind,  and 
spots  that  are  never  wholly  effaced.  Take  water  instead  of  beer, 
or  beer  instead  of  wine  and  spirits  ;  toss  the  cigar-case  into  the 
lire-place  ;  eat  mutton  instead  of  venison,  and  mutton  broth  instead 
of  turtle  soup  ;  if  needs  be,  clean  your  own  boots  and  shoes,  and 
brush  your  own  clothes.  Employ  time  profitably.  Never  borrow, 
seldom  lend.  Avoid  betting  and  gaming.  Keep  regular  accounts, 
and  examine  your  position  from  day  to  day,  determining  to  eat 
nothing  that  is  unpaid  for,  nor  to  allow  your  tailor  or  dressmaker  to 
say  that  your  garments  are  not  your  own.  By  this  process  you 
will  soon  get  rid  of  the  annoyance,  and  your  mental  and  bodily 
health  will  wonderfully  improve. 


Very  Witty. — Burke  remarked, "  Strip  majesty  of  its  exteriors 
(the  first  aud  last  letters,)  and  it  becomes  a  jest." 


22  THE    BOOK   OP 


Lov  ean  dpr  ides  to  ckbe  dlam. 
A  CUEElM  LOYE! 

Recommended  to  the  attention  of  M 

By  a  Member  of  the  R.  C.  S.,  for  the  cure  of  Mental  Aberrations. 

Take  an  ounce  of  sense,  a  grain  of  prudence,  a  dram  of  understanding,  an 
ounce  of  patience,  a  pound  of  resolution,  and  a  handful  of  dislike ;  mix  them  all 
together,  fold  them  up  in  your  heart  for  twenty-four  hours,  set  them  on  the  slow 
fire  of  hatred,  then  steam  them  clear  from  the  dregs  of  melancholy,  sweeten 
them  with  forge/fulness,  put  them  in  the  bottle  of  your  heart,  stopping  them 
down  with  the  cork  of  sound  judgment,  and  let  them  stand  fourteen  days  in 
the  water  of  cod  affection.  This  recipe,  lightly  made,  and  properly  applied, 
was  never  known  to  fail.  The  ingredients  may  be  obtained  at  the  House  of 
Understanding,  in  Constancy,  by  going  up  the  hill  of  Self-denial,  in  the 
Town  of  Furgetfulness,  and  in  the  County  of  Love-no-more. 


CThow  edser  ehe  bewi  sesba  lldie  er  efreth  rives. 


LXTTER-ARY  CHARACTER. 

One  day,  as  a  boy  was  gathering  horse  litter,  on  the  new  road 
leading  from  Halifax  to  Bradford,  a  gentleman  who  was  walking 
slowly  by,  asked,  "  Where  does  this  road  go  to,  my  hoy  ?"  "  Go  to," 
said  the  lad,  "  ha  doant  naw  at  it  goaze  onny  were,  for  its  alias 
here  wen  ime  getheriug  muck."  The  gentleman  gave  the  lad  six- 
pence for  his  wit. 

Tom  Treddlehoyle's 
Description  of  Crispin  Cannon-noaze,  of  Bairnsla. 

This  excentrick  looking  character  wor  born  withaght  ears;  hi/ 
noaze  wor  sou  long,  he  wor  foarst  ta  wank  it  middle  at  street,  an 
hav  a  little  lad  ta  goa  before  it  ta  keep  foaks  through  nuinin  agean 
it;  he  could  smell  a  red  lierrin  three  miles  oil".  Once,  when  id 
gotten  a  bad  coud,  he  brack  fifty  squares  a  glass  an  split  a  wattar 
barril  we  sneezin  ;  an  for  fear  a  doin  owt  at  soart  agean,  he  whent 
and  liv'd  at  aghtside  at  taane,  an  gat  a  livin  be  gettin  nuts,  cher- 
rys,  an  pillint  bark  of  a  oak  trees  we  hi/,  noaze;  when  he  deed 
thay  wor  foarst  to  mack  a  spaght  to  put  hiz  noa/.e  in,  but  wot  wor 
more  singular  then  that,  t'saxton  diddant  dig  hi/,  grave  deep  enuf, 
ami  thear  hiz  beak  stuck  aght  at  graand  ivver  solar;  haiver,  it 
CUm  in  useful,  for*t  parson  nut  a  sun  dial  at  top  on  it  for't  good  at 
inhabitants. — 1070 

To  make  Leeches  Bite.—  Ifl  he  leech  will  not  bite,  bind  him 
apprentice  to  a  broker  lor  a  week,  ami  Ins  teeth  will  become  so 
sharp  that  he  will  bite  through  the  bottom  of  a  brass  kettle. 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  23 

CLERICAL  WIT 

The  facetious  Watty  Morrison,  as  he  was  commonly  called,  was 
entreating  the  commanding  officer  of  a  regiment,  at  Fort  George, 
to  pardon  a  poor  fellow  sent  to  the  halberds.  The  officer  granted 
his  petition,  on  condition  that  Mr.  Morrison  should  accord  with 
the  first  favour  he  asked  ;  the  favour  was  to  perform  the  ceremony 
of  baptism  for  a  young  puppy.     A  merry  party  of  gentlemen  were 

invited  to  the  christening.     Mr.  Morrison  desired  Major to 

hold  up  the  dog.     "  As  I  am  a  minister  of  the  Kirk  of  Scotland," 

said  Mr.  Morrison,  "  I  must  proceed  accordingly."     Major 

said  he  asked  no  more.  "  Well  then,  Major,  I  begin  with  the  usual 
question,  "you  acknowledge  yourself  the  father  of  this  puppy" 
The  Major  understood  the  joke,  and  threw  away  the  animal.  Thus 
did  Mr.  Morrison  turn  the  laugh  against  the  ensnarer,  who  inten- 
ded to  deride  a  sacred  ordinance. — On  another  occasion,  a  young 
officer  scoffed  at  the  parade  of  study  to  which  Clergymen  assigned 
their  right  to  remuneration  for  labour,  and  he  offered  to  take  a  bet, 
he  would  preach  half  an  hour  upon  any  verse  or  section  of  a  verse 
in  the  Old  or  New  Testament.  Mr.  Morrison  took  the  bet,  and 
pointed  out,  "  And  the  Ass  opened  his  mouth,  and  he  spoke."  The 
officer  declined  employing  his  eloquence  on  that  text.  Mr.  Mor- 
rison won  the  wager,  and  silenced  the  scorner. 


Old  Bachelors.— At  the  ladies'  celebration  of  the  4th  July,  at 
Bane,  Massachusets,  there  were  nine  hundred  of  the  fairest  por- 
tions of  creation  present.  Among  the  toasts  were — "  Old  Bachel- 
ors !  may  they  lie  alone  in  a  bed  of  nettles,  sit  alone  on  a  wooden 
stool,  eat  alone  on  a  wooden  trencher,  and  be  their  own  kitchen 
maids!"  "  Industry  of  the  young  ladies  of  Barre,  who  always  want 
to  be  engaged."  "  The  old  bachelor,  like  the  thorn  hedge,  neither 
blossoms  nor  fruits  to  render  it  useful  or  ornamental,  but  is  a 
scourge  to  all  creatures."  "  Matrimony,  the  truth  and  essence 
of  life."  "  Love  at  home,  utility  abroad,  and  consistency  at  all 
times,  and  in  all  conditions." 


Noses  in  Danger. — The 'Washington  Metropolitan'  announ- 
ces the  following  curious  fact: — "The  new  Russian  minister  to 
the  United  States,  is  called  Somonosoff  (saw  my  nose  off).  An 
attache  of  the  same  legation  in  Washington,  Blowmanozorf  (blow 
my  nose  off);  besides  which  we  have  Culonel  Kutmanozof  (cut  my 
nose  off),  of  the  Imperial  Guard  ;  Marshall  Pollmanosoff  (pull  my 
nose  off),  General  Nozebegon  (nose  begon),  and  many  others." 


24  THE   BOOK   OF 

FLATTERY. 

Gentlemen  make  themselves  exceedingly  ridiculous  by  the  ab- 
surd flattery  with  which  they  attempt  to  win  the  ladies,  and  some- 
times they  meet  their  match.  "  Dear  me,  Miss  Brightside,  what 
an  exquisitely  fine  contralto  voice  you  have  !  Pon  my  honour,  I 
never  remember  a  professional  to  have  sung  with  half  such  refine- 
ment of  feeling  and  fulness  of  power."  "  Indeed,  sir."  "  Yes,  oh, 
yes!  it's  true,  I  assure  you  ;  and  in  dancing,  nobody  equals  you. 
You  dance  like  an  angel !"  "  I  should  scarcely  suppose  that  you 
had  been  privileged  to  see  angels  dance,  Mr.  Mopstick."  "  Oh, 
yes !  ha !  Are  not  all  women  angels,  my  pretty  one  ?  Of  course 
they  are,  there's  no  denying  it.  It  is  they  that  make  the  world 
the  paradise  it  is,  of  course  it  is :  don't  you  think  so,  Miss  Bright- 
side  ?"  "  I  have  never  thought  much  about  it,  sir.''  "  Ah,  my 
pretty  one,  that's  your  modesty,  of  course  it  is !  And  what  a  love- 
ly Spanish  head  you've  got !  small  as  a  cocoa-nut.  That's  beauty, 
don't  you  know,  true  beauty.  And  those  eyes !  I've  never  seen 
such  eyes  as  yours,  never.  They  are  so  large  and  languishing. 
Tell  me  now,  pray,  is  your  sight  at  all  weak  ?  I  have  heard  that 
such  large  eyes  become  weak  from  excess  of  light."  "  I  think  I 
could  distinguish  a  goose  from  among  a  flock  of  other  birds,  Mr. 
Mopstick."  "  Oh  !  ha !  ha !  ha  !  good  !  By  the  way,  who's  that 
muff  of  a  fellow  across  the  way  there,  watching  you  and  me?  it's 
like  his  impudence!"     "  That's  my  husband,  sir,  and  at  your 

SERVICE 


I' 


Of  folly,  vice,  disease,  men  proud  we  6ee, 
And  (stranger  still !)  of  blockheads'  flattery, 
Whose  praise  defames:  as  if  a  fool  should  mean 
By  spitting  on  your  face,  to  make  it  clean. 

YOUNG 


American  Love  Letters— A  young  lady,  about  to  sue  for  a 
breach  of  promise,  placed  the  love-letters  she  had  received  in  a  hag, 
for  the  purpose  of  producing  in  court;  when  sad  to  relate,  their 
own  natural  warmth  caused  spontaneous  combustion,  and  ashes 
alone  remained ! 


Love  Defined. —The  following  dialogue  between  two  negroes, 
was  overheard  by  a  friend  of  ours  in  Philadelphia.  "  Cesar,  wot 
him  call  lub :'"  •*  Why,  Massa  Sip,  inn  like  too  much  driukee; 
inn  tiiik  ob  young  gal  till  um  head  go  round  like  urn  big  wheel ; 

den  liiiu  make  old  tool  ob  himself '' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  25 

A  Capital  Preserve.— The  production  of  this  excellent  dish 
requires  considerable  time  and  patience,  but  it  will  amply  repay 
all  the  care  bestowed  upon  it.  Take  equal  parts  of  industry  and 
economy,  and  exercise  them  daily  for  a  series  of  years.  Take  the 
proceeds  of  industry  as  fast  as  they  accumulate  through  the  effect 
of  economy,  and  invest  them  partly  in  a  Building  Society,  and 
partly  in  a  Life  Policy,  payable  at  death,  or  upon  attaining  a  cer- 
tain age.  Let  the  surplus  be  devoted  to  the  purchase  of  good 
books,  which  will  supply  an  intellectual  store  richer  than  the  mere 
"  material."  You  may  share  your  intellectual  gains  with  your 
neighbours,  without  becoming  poorer  thereby.  For  whilst  you  may 
impart  without  loss,  you  are  almost  sure  to  receive  something  in 
exchange,  and  thus  your  treasures  will  be  increased  even  by  your 
generosity.  When  you  have  attained  mature  age,  and  you  gather 
the  fruits  of  your  labours,  you  will  find  yourself  out  of  debt,  in  your 
own  house,  and  with  a  treasury  of  some  hundreds  of  pounds  to  com- 
fort your  old  age.  Try  this,  and  you  will  pronounce  it  a  "  cap- 
ital preserve !"' 


Cams  Wilson  of  the  West. — Among  the  lusus  naturce  of 
the  Western  World  is  a  man,  who  is  described  as  being  so  remark- 
ably tall,  that  he  requires  a  ladder  to  shave  himself!  The  same  in- 
dividual never  troubles  his  servant  to  sit  up  for  hiin  when  he  is  out 
late  at  night,  for  he  can,  with  the  most  perfect  ease,  put  his  arm 
down  the  chimney  and  unbolt  the  street  door. 


"  Whom  did  Barney  buckle  to  ?  he  deserved  a  good  wife." — 
"Yes,  and  he  did  deserve  it,  but  didn't  get  it;  he's  married  to 
the  devil's  own  daughter  sure." — Ay,  ay  ;  well,  its  so,  is  it  ?  then 
he's  married  into  an  old  ancient  family." 

"  Fellow  sinners,"  said  a  preacher,  "  if  you  were  told  that  by 
going  to  the  top  of  those  stairs  yonder  (pointing  to  a  ricketty  pair 
at  one  end  of  the  church,)  you  might  secure  your  eternal  salvation, 
I  really  believe  hardly  any  of  you  would  try  it.  But  let  any  man 
proclaim  that  there  were  a  hundred  sovereigns  up  there  for  you, 
and  I'll  be  bound  there  would  be  such  a  getting  up  stairs  as  you 
never  did  see." 


"Ma  !  how  is  it,  think  you,  that  so  many  marriages  take  place 
at  the  Church  of  the  Rev.  Mr.  Carpenter?" — "La!  girl,  what  a 
question." — "Well,  I  think  it's  because  being  a  carpenter,  the 
people  naturally  suppose  him  to  be  a  good  joiner." 


26  THE   BOOK   OF 

HOPE-BEFORE  and  AFTER  MARRIAGE. 

Boys  and  gals  fall  in  love.  The  boy  is  all  attentiou  and  devo- 
tion, and  the  gal  is  all  smiles,  and  airs,  and  graces,  and  pratty  little 
winnin'  ways,  and  they  bil  and  coo,  and  get  married  because  they 
hope.  Well,  what  do  they  hope?  Oh,  they  hope  they  will  love  all 
the  days  of  their  lives,  and  they  hope  their  lives  will  be  ever  so  long, 
just  to  love  each  other :  it's  a  sweet  thing  to  love.  Well,  they 
hope  a  great  deal  more  I  guess.  The  boy  hopes  after  he's  mar- 
ried his  wife  will  smile  as  sweet  as  ever,  and  twice  as  often,  and  be 
just  as  neat,  and  twice  as  neater,  her  hair  lookin  like  part  of  the 
head,  so  tight,  so  bright,  and  glossy,  and  parted  on  the  top  like  a 
little  path  in  the  forest.  Poor  fellow,  he  ain't  spoony  at  all.  Is 
he  ?  And  he  hopes  that  her  temper  will  be  as  gentle,  and  as  meek, 
and  as  mild  as  ever ;  in  fact,  no  temper  at  all — all  amiability — an 
angel  in  petticoats.  Well,  she  hopes  every  minute  he  has  to  spare 
he  will  fly  to  her  on  wings  of  love — legs  ain't  fast  enough,  and  run- 
inn'  might  hurt  his  lungs — but  fly  to  her,  and  never  leave  her,  but 
bill  and  coo  for  ever,  and  will  let  her  will  be  his  law ;  sartainly 
won't  want  her  to  wait  on  him,  but  for  him  to  'tend  on  her,  the  de- 
voted critter,  like  a  heavenly-ministering  white  he-nigger.  Well, 
don't  they  hope  they  may  get  all  this?  And  do  they?  Jest  go  into 
any  house  you  like,  and  the  last  two  that  talks  is  these  has-been 
lovers.  His  dress  is  ontidy,  and  he  smokes  a  short  black  pipe  (he 
didn't  even  smoke  a  cigar  before  he  married),  and  the  ashes  get  on 
his  waistcoat ;  but  who  cares  ?  it's  only  his  wife  to  see  it — and  he 
kinder  guesses  he  sees  wrinkles,  where  he  never  saw  'em  afore,  on 
her  stocking  ankles  ;  and  her  shoes  are  a  little,  just  a  little,  down 
to  heel ;  and  she  comes  down  to  breakfast,  with  her  hair  and  dress 
lookin'  as  if  it  was  a  little  more  neater,  it  would  be  a  little  more 
better.  Fie  sits  up  late  with  old  friends,  and  he  lets  her  go  to  bed 
alone ;  and  she  cries,  the  angel !  but  it's  only  because  she  has  a 
headache.  The  dashing  young  gentleman  has  got  awful  stingy 
too,  lately.  He  says  housekeeepin'  costs  too  much,  rips  out  an  ugly 
word  every  now  and  then,  she  never  heerd  afore;  but  she  hopes — 
what  does  the  poor  dupe  hope  ?  Why,  she  hopes  he  ain't  swearin' ! 
but  it  sounds  ama/in'  like  it — that's  a  fact.  What  is  that  ugly 
word  "  dam,"  that  he  uses  so  often  lately  ?  and  she  looks  it  out  in 
the  dictionary,  and  she  finds  "  dam  "  means  the  "  mother  of  a  colt." 
Well,  she  hopes  to  be  a  mother  herself,  some  day,  poor  critter!  So 
her  hopes  has  ended  in  her  lindin'  a  mares  nest  at  last. 


A  Good  One.— The  '  Boston  Post'  says: — "The  reason  why 
cream  is  so  dear  is,  that  milk  is  risen  so  high  the  cream  can't  reach 
the  top." 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT. 


27 


George  Robins  Outdone— An  auctioneer  m  Cincinnati  has 
outstripped  the  most  inventive  genius  (this  side  the  Atlantic)  in 
the  art  of  puffing.  He  announces,  in  the  'Cincinnati  Evening 
Post,'  that  he  has  so  much  business,  he  has  recently  worn  out  two 
hammers,  and  is  now  on  the  second  end  of  the  third ! 

"Mother,  why  does  Pa'  call  you  honey ?"—"  Because,  my 
dear,  he  loves  me." 

"  No,  Ma',  that  isn't  it."—"  It  isn't !     What  is  it  then  ?" 

"  I  know."     "  Well,  what  is  it,  then  ?" 

"Why,  its  because  you  have  so  much  comb  in  your  head — 
that's  why." 

"  What  on  airth  ails  these  'ere  shirt  buttons,  I  wonder?  Jest  the 
minnit  I  puts  the  needle  through  'em  to  sew  'em  on,  they  splits 
and  flies  in  tu  bits."—"  Why,  Grandmother,  them  isn't  buttons, 
they's  my  peppermints,  an'  now  you've  been  a  spiling  them." 

Miss  Dobbs  says  the  first  time  a  coat  sleeve  encircled  her  waist, 
she  seemed  to  be 'in  a  pavilion  built  of  rainbows,  the  window-sills 
of  which  were  composed  of  iEolian  harps. 


The  Cost  of  an  Argument— Sheridan  had  been  driving  out 
three  or  four  hours  in  a  hackney-coach,  when  seeing  Richardson 
pass,  he  hailed  him  and  made  him  get  in.  He  instantly  tried  to 
introduce  a  topic  upon  which  Richardson  (who  was  the  very  soul 
of  disputativeness)  always  differed  with  him  ;  and,  at  last,  affecting 
to  be  mortified  at  R.'s  arguments,  "  You  really  are  too  bad  ;  I 
cannot  bear  to  listen  to  such  things  ;  I  will  not  stay  in  the  same 
coach  with  you;"  and  accordingly  got  down  and  left  him,  Rich- 
ardson hallooing  out  triumphantly  after  him,  "  Ah,  you're  beat, 
you're  beat;"  nor  was  it  till  the  heat  of  his  victory  had  a  little  cool- 
ed that  he  found  out  he  was  left  in  the  lurch  to  pay  for  Sheridan's 
three  hours'  coaching. — Moore s  Diary. 


What's  in  a  Name?— "A  goose,  so  far  from  being  a  foolish 
bird,  is  a  very  wise  one.  A  flock  of  geese  saved  Rome  onst." — "  I 
shouldn't  wonder,"  said  Master  Van,  "  for  a  flock  of  wild  ones  saved 
Haive  Island  onst.  They  got  overloaded  with  sleet  and  wet  snow 
and  lighted  on  the  clearin'  one  spring,  and  was  caught  there,  and 
actilly  saved  the  folks  from  starvation." — "  Well,"  says  I,  "  out  of 
gratitude  to  these  birds,  the  Italians  erected  a  college  for  'em  ai 
Rome  and  called  it  the  '  Proper  Gander'  College." 


28  THE   BOOK  OP 

CROSSING  OF  PROVERBS, 

FEOM  AN  OLD  WORK 

Prov.     The  more  the  merrier. 
Cross.     Not  so ;  one  hand  is  enough  in  a  purse. 

P.  He  that  runs  fastest,  gets  most  ground. 

C.  Not  so ;  for  then  footmen  would  get  more  ground  than  their 
masters. 

P.  He  runs  far  that  never  turns. 

C.  Not  so  ;  he  may  hreak  his  neck  in  a  short  course 

P.  No  man  can  call  again  yesterday. 

C.  Yes  ;  he  may  call  till  his  heart  ache,  tho'  it  never  come. 

P.  He  that  goes  softly,  goes  safely. 

C.  Not  among  thieves. 

P.  Nothing  hurts  the  stomach  more  than  surfeiting. 

C.  Yes,  lack  of  meat. 

P.  Nothing  is  hard  to  a  willing  mind. 

C.  Yes,  to  get  money. 

P.  None  so  blind  as  they  that  will  not  see. 

C.  Yes,  they  that  cannot  see. 

P.  There  is  no  creature  so  like  a  man  as  an  ape. 

C.  Yes,  a  woman. 

P.  Nothing  but  is  good  for  something. 

C.  Not  so  ;  nothing  is  not  good  for  auy  thing. 

P.  Every  thing  hath  an  end. 

C.  Not  so  ;  a  ring  hath  none,  for  it  is  round. 

P.  Money  is  a  great  comfort. 

C.  Not  when  it  brings  a  thief  to  the  gallows. 

P.  The  world  is  a  long  journey. 

C.  Not  so ;  the  sun  goes  it  every  day. 

P.  It  is  a  great  way  to  the  bottom  of  the  sea. 

C.  Not  so  ;  it  is  but  a  stone's  cast 

P.  A  friend  is  best  found  in  adversity. 

C.  Not  so  ;  for  then  there's  none  to  be  found. 

P.  The  pride  of  the  rich  makes  the  labours  of  the  poor. 

C.  No,  the  labours  of  the  pour  make  the  pride  of  the  rich. 

P.  Virtue  is  a  jewel  of  great  price. 

C.  Not  so  ;  for  then  the  poor  could  not  come  by  it. 


The  Best  Investment. — Dr.  Franklin,  speaking  of  eduoation, 
says: — "  If  a  man  empties  his  purse  into  his  head,  no  man  can 
take  it  away  from  him.  An  investment  of  knowledge  always  pays 
the  best  interest  ' 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  29 

Widows. — They  arc  the  very  deuce.  There's  nothing  like  'em. 
If  they  make  up  their  mind  to  marry,  it's  done.  I  know  one  that 
was  terribly  afraid  of  thunder  and  lightning,  and  every  time  a  storm 
came  on  she  would  run  into  Mr  Smith's  house  (he  was  a  widow- 
er,) and  clasp  her  little  hands,  and  fly  around,  till  the  man  was 
half  distracted  for  fear  she  would  be  killed,  and  the  consequence 
was,  she  was  Mrs.  John  Smith,  before  three  thunder  storms  rattled 
over  her  head.     Wasn't  that  diplomatic  ? 


Which  is  Preferable.— A  prodigal  starts  with  ten  thousand 
pounds,  and  dies  worth  nothing;;  a  miser  starts  with  nothing,  and 
dies  worth  ten  thousand  pounds.  It  has  been  asked,  which  has 
had  the  best  of  it  ?  1  should  presume  the  prodigal ;  he  has  spent 
a  fortune — but  the  miser  has  only  left  one;  he  has  lived  rich,  to 
die  poor  ;  the  miser  has  lived  poor  to  die  rich  ;  and  if  the  prodigal 
quits  life  in  debt  to  others,  the  miser  quits  it,  still  deeper  in  debt 
to  himself. 


Nahant  Nutmegs.— "Which  way  are  you  from,  Mr.  Slick, 
this  hitch?"  "Why,"  says  I,"  I've  been  away  up  south  a  speculating 
in  nutmegs."  "  1  hope,'' says  the  Professor,  "they  were  a  good 
article,  the  real,  right  down  genuine  thing."  "  No  mistake," says 
I,  "  no  mistake,  Professor:  they  were  all  prime,  first  chop  ;  but 
why  do  you  ax  that  ar  question?"  "Why,"  says  he,  "that  eter- 
nal scoundrel,  that  Captain  John  Allspice,  of  Nahant,  he  used  to 
trade  to  Charlestown,  and  he  carried  a  cargo  once  there  of  fifty 
barrels  of  nutmegs  .  well,  he  put  a  half-a-bushel  of  good  ones  into 
each  end  of  the  barrel,  and  the  rest  he  filled  up  with  wooden  ones, 
so  like  the  real  thing,  no  soul  could  tell  the  difference  until  he  bit 
one  with  his  teeth,  and  that  he  never  thought  of  doing,  until  he 
was  first  bit  himself." 


"  Arrah,  Teddy,  and  wasn't  your  name  Teddy  0' Byrne  before 
you  left  ould  Ireland  ?''  "  Sure  it  was,  my  darlint."  "  But,  my 
jewel,  why  then  do  you  add  s,  and  call  it  Teddy  O'Byrnes  now?" 
"  Why,  you  spalpeen  !  haven't  I  been  married  since  I  kem  to 
Liverpool?  and  are  you  so  ignorant  of  grammatics  that  you  don't 
know  when  one  thing  is  added  to  another  it  becomes  plural.'' 

In  what  colour  is  a  secret  best  kept  ?     ln-violel. 


SO  THE   BOOK   OF 

VALUE  OE  REFLECTION. 

The  ignorant  have  often  given  credit  to  the  wise,  for  powers 
that  are  permitted  to  none,  merely  because  the  wise  have  made  a 
proper  use  of  those  powers  that  are  permitted  to  all.  The  little 
Arabian  tale  of  the  dervise,  shall  be  the  comment  of  this  proposi- 
tion. A  dervise  was  journeying  alone  in  the  desert,  when  two 
merchants  suddenly  met  him  ;  "  You  have  lost  a  camel,"  said  he, 
to  the  merchants  ;  "  indeed  we  have,"  they  replied  ;  "  was  lie  not 
blind  in  his  right  eye?  and  lame  in  his  left  leg?"  said  the  dervise  ; 
"  he  was,"  replied  the  merchants  ;  "  had  he  not  lost  a  front  tooth  ?" 
said  the  dervise  ;  "  he  had,"  rejoined  the  merchants  ;  "  and  was  he 
not  loaded  with  honey  on  one  side,  and  wheat  on  the  other  ?" 
"  most  certainly  he  was,''  they  replied,  "  and  as  you  have  seen  him 
so  lately,  and  marked  him  so  particularly,  you  can  in  all  proba- 
bility, conduct  us  unto  him."  "  My  friends,"  said  the  dervise,  "  I 
have  never  seen  your  camel,  nor  ever  heard  of  him,  but  from  you." 
"  A  pretty  story,  truly,"  said  the  merchants,  "  but  where  are  the 
jewels  which  formed  a  part  of  his  cargo."  "  I  have  neither  seen 
your  camel,  nor  your  jewels,"  repeated  the  dervise.  On  this  they 
seized  his  person,  and  forthwith  hurried  him  before  the  cadi, 
where,  on  the  strictest  search,  nothing  could  be  found  upon  him, 
nor  could  any  evidence  whatever  be  adduced  to  convict  him,  either 
of  falsehood,  or  of  theft.  They  were  then  about  to  proceed  against 
him  as  a  sorcerer,  when  the  dervise,  with  great  calmness,  thus  ad- 
dressed the  court:  "  I  have  been  much  amused  with  your  surprise, 
and  own  that  there  has  been  some  ground  for  your  suspicions ; 
but  I  have  lived  long,  and  alone;  and  I  can  find  ample  scope  for 
observation,  even  in  a  desert.  I  knew  that  I  had  crossed  the  track 
of  a  camel  that  had  strayed  from  its  owner,  because  I  saw  no  mark 
of  any  human  footstep  on  the  same  route;  I  knew  that  the  ani- 
mal was  blind  in  one  eye,  because  it  had  cropped  the  herbage 
only  on  one  side  of  its  path  ;  and  I  perceived  that  it  was  lame  in 
one  le,L,r,  from  the  faint  impression  which  that  particular  foot  had 
produced  upon  the  sand  ;  I  concluded  that  the  animal  had  lost  one 
tooth,  because  wherever  it  had  grazed,  a  small  tuft  of  herbage  was 
left  uninjured,  in  the  centre  of  its  bite.  As  to  that  which  formed 
the  burthen  of  the  beast,  the  busy  ants  informed  me  that  it  was 
corn  on  the  one  side,  and  the  clustering  flies,  that  it  was  honey  on 
the  other." 

The  Heart. —  It  is  stated  by  some  wiseacre  that  the  heart  01  a 
man  weighs  about  nine  ounces— that  of  a  woman  eight.  As  ago 
increases,  a  man's  heart  <jrows  heavier,  and  a  woman's  lighter,  after 
thirty.     Some  girls  lose  theirs  altogether  at  sixteen. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  31 

A  CHARM  FOR  THE  TOOTH  ACHE. 

A  rustic,  who  lives  at  the  village  of  Long  Empsall,  was  distrac- 
ted for  several  weeks,  day  and  night,  with  the  toothache ;  every 
thing,  likely  and  unlikely,  was  resorted  to  to  ease  the  pain,  but  all 
proved  of  no  avail ;  his  poor  unfortunate  cheek  continued  to  swell 
till  it  approached  in  size  to  a  Dutch  cheese.  Some  jokers  in  the 
village,  who  had  previously  laid  their  heads  together,  went  to  Bil- 
ly's house,  and  told  him,  or  rather  pretended  to  read  to  him  from 
an  old  book,  that  if  he  would  rub  his  cheek  with  treacle,  and  then 
put  it  against  a  laithe  door,  and  press  it  as  hard  as  he  could  for 
half  an  hour,  it  would  charm  the  tooth,  and  cause  it  to  give  over 
aching.  Poor  Billy,  who  sat  in  an  old  arm  chair,  grinning  on 
the  easy  side  of  his  unfortunate  face,  like  a  monkey  chewing  pep- 
per-corns, readily  consented,  and  away  they  went,  Billy's  mother 
and  all.  Now,  during  all  this  manoeuvring,  a  roguish  blacksmith, 
unknown  to  any  one  but  his  associates,  got  secreted  inside  the 
laith.  He,  Billy,  according  to  the  direction  of  his  kind  friends 
outside,  placed  his  cheek  against  the  charming  spot,  viz.  the  laith 
door,  in  which  situation  he  was  to  repeat,  for  five  minutes  the 
words,  "  Come,  charmer,  come  an  eaze  me  gum."  This  he  had 
scarcely  chanted  three  times,  when  the  blacksmith  hit  the  door 
where  Billy  had  his  cheek  a  tremendous  blow  with  a  sledge  ham- 
mer, sending  poor  Billy  several  yards  on  the  ground  flat  on  his 
back,  and  before  he  could  well  get  on  his  legs  again,  the  roguish 
charmers  had  all  fled. 


Use  is  Second  Nature.— Major  N ,    upon  being   asked 

whether  he  was  seriously  injured  when  the  St.  Leonard  steamer's 
boiler  exploded,  replied,  that  he  was  so  used  to  being  blown  up 
by  his  wife  that  a  mere  steamer  had  no  effect  upon  him. 

There  is  an  old  lady  in  America  who  believes  it  to  be  Bible  doc- 
trine that  "  for  seven  years  before  the  end  of  the  world  no  children 
are  to  be  born  ;  and  that  gives  her  comfort :  for,  at  every  fresh  birth 
she  hears  of,  she  says  to  herself,  '  Well !  the  seven  years,  at  least, 
have  not  begun  yet.' " 


How  many  rods  make  a  furlong?  asked  a  father  of  his  son,  a 
fast  urchin,  as  he  came  home  one  night  from  school. 

Well  I  don't  know,  was  the  reply,  but  I  guess  you'd  think  one 
rod  made  an  acher,  if  you  got  such  a  training  as  I  did  from  old 
vinegar-face  this  afternoon. 


32  THE   BOOK    OT 

BACHELORISM  PORTRAYED. 

Bachelor  is  derived  from  a  Greek  word  meaning1  foolish;  from  the 
Latin  word  Baculus,  a  cudgel,  for  he  richly  deserves  it.  A  useless 
appendage  of  Society  ;  a  poltroon,  who  would  marry,  but  is  intimidated 
by  i(s  expense,  want  of  variety,  or  his  defectum  naturam. 

"  Be  fruitful  and  multiply,  and  replenish  the  earth." — Anti-Malthus 

chap.  i.  ver.  28. 

"  I  never  cared  a  farthing-  about  getting-  married  until  I  attended  an 
Old  Bachelor's  last  sickness  and  Funeral !  God  grant  that  my  last  end 
may  not  be  like  his  !     Amen  and  Amen  !  !" — A  Repentant  Bachelor. 

HIS  THERMOMETER. 

Years. 

10.  Impatient  palpitations  towards  the  young  ladies. 

17.  Blushing-  and  confusion  in  conversing-  with  them. 

18.  Confidence  in  conversing-  with  them  much  increased 

19.  Angry  if  treated  by  them  as  a  boy. 

20.  Very  conscious  of  his  own  charms  and  manliness. 

21.  A  looking-glass  in  his  room  indispensable — to  admire  himself. 

22.  Great  dandyism,  and  insufferable  puppyism. 

23.  Thinks  no  woman  good  enough  for  him. 

24.  Caught  unawares  by  the  snares  of  Cupid 

25.  The  connexion  broken  off,  through  self-conceit  on  his  part. 

26.  Conducts  himself  with  much  superiority  towards  her. 

27.  Pays  his  addresses  to  another  lady,  not  without  hope  of  mortifying 

the  first. 

28.  Mortified  and  frantic  at  being  refused.     On  the  verge  of  suicide. 

29.  Rails  against  the  fair  sex  in  general. 

30.  Morose  and  out  of  humour  in  all  conversations  on  matrimony. 

31.  Contemplates  matrimony  more  under  the  influence  of  interest  than 

formerly. 

32.  Considers  personal  beauty  in  a  wife  not  so  indispensable  as  formerly. 

33.  Still  maintains  a  high  opinion  of  his  own  attractions  as  a  husband. 

34.  Consequently  has  no  idea,  but  he  may  still  marry  a  Chicken. 

35.  Falls  deeply  and  violently  in  love  with  one  of  SEVENTEEN. 
30.  "  Au  dernier  desespoir,"  another  refusal. 

37.  Indulges  in  every  kind  of  dissipation. 

38.  Shuns  the  beBt  part  of  the  female  sex. 

39.  Buffers  much  remorse  and  mortification  in  so  doing. 

40.  A  fresh  budding  of  matrimonial  ideas, — no  spring  shoots. 

41.  A  nice  young  widow   perplexes  him.     Ventures  to  address  her 

willi  mixed  sensations  of  love  and  interest.     Interest  prevails, 
which  causes  much  cautious  reflection. 

42.  The  widow  dissatisfied  witli  his  tardiness,  caution,  and  frigidity, 

jilts  him,  becoming  as  oautious  as  himself. 

43.  Travels  to  recover  his  consequent  impaired  health,  and  to  regain 

his  accustomed  animus. 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  33 

44.  Affects  to  become  every  day  more  averse  to  the  fair  sex. 

45.  Delights  more  than  ever  to  be  in  the  company  of  such  poltroons 

as  himself,  whose  heaven  on  earth  is  to  talk  about  women,  their 
own  feeble  attempts  at  wedlock,  their  failures,  their  hopes,  and 
their  mortifications. 

46.  Still  fond  of  reading  Sentimental  poetry,  and  Sentimental  tales. 

Grieved  even  to  weeping-,  to  find  that  gouty  and  nervous  symp- 
toms begin  to  appear. 

47.  Fears  what  may  become  of  him  when  old  and  infirm,  as  he  finds 

himself  now  gradually  less  noticed  by  the  feminine  tribe. 

48.  Thinks  living-  alone  quite  irksome.    Speech  becomes  rather  impair- 

ed for  want  of  some  one  to  talk  to. 

49.  Resolves  to  have  a  prudent  young  woman  as  housekeeper  and  com- 

panion. 

50.  A  nervous  affection  about  him,  and  frequent  attacks  of  the  gout. 

Sees  and  feels  the  value  of  having  a  wife  now.  He  teels  so 
helpless. 

51.  Much  pleased  with  his  own  housekeeper  as  nurse.     Begins  to  feel 

some  attachment  to  her. 

52.  His  pride  revolts  at  the  idea  of  marrying-  her,  and  is  in  great  dis- 

tress how  to  act. 

53.  Transported  to  excess  with  another  chance.     Proposes  to  a  rich 

old  maid,  who  writes  him,  "Mind  your  own  business,  sir,  and 
prepare  for  your  latter  end." 

54.  In  despair  turns  again  to  his  housekeeper,  who  is  more  obliging 

than  ever,  but  professes  great  disinterestedness. 

55.  She  begins  to  give  him  tangible  proofs  of  her  affection.     Com- 

pletely under  her  influence,  she  having  pryed  into  all  his  af- 
fairs.    His  pride  still  revolts,  and  makes  him  miserable. 

56.  Many  painful  thoughts  about  parting  with  her.     Finds  matters 

have  gone  too  far.     Cannot  arrange  it. 

57.  She  refuses  to  live  any  longer  with  him  solo.     Talks  about  her 

honour  being  called  in  question. 

58.  Gouty,  nervous,  and  billious  to  excess.     Finds  her   utility  now. 

His  pride  is  lowered. 

59.  Falls  very  iii.     Calls  her  to  his  bedside.     Begs  pardon  for  his  de- 

lay.    Promises  to  espouse  her. 

60.  Grows  rapidly  worse,  lias  his  will  made  in  her  favour,  and  makes 

his  exit. 

Away  from  the  earth,  you  useless  fellow ! 
You'd  no  heart  to  wed  when  you  were  mellow ! 
Woe  to  the  man  that  leads  such  a  life! 
Woe  to  the  man  that  despises  a  wife  I 

HIS  PORTRAIT. 

The  naturalists  say  these  singular  creatures 
Are  alike  in  their  habits,  their  form,  and  their  features, 
The  Benedicts  think  that  their  senses  are  small, 

0 


31  THE   BOOK   OF 

"While  women  affirm  "  they  have  no  sense  at  all ; 
But  are  curious  compounds  of  very  hard  stuff, 
Inflexible,  hard,  and  exceedingly  tough  ! 

The  old  ones  have  wigs,  the  young  ones  have  hair, 
And  they  curl  it,  and  scent  it,  and  friz  it  with  care, 
And  turn  it  to  dark,  should  it  chance  to  be  fair. 
They  are  wanderers  and  ramblers,  never  at  home  ; 
Making-  sure  of  a  welcome  wherever  they  roam  ; 
And  every  one  knows  that  the  Bachelor's  den 
Is  a  room  set  apart  for  these  singular  men  : 
A  nook  in  the  clouds  perhaps  five  feet  by  four, 
Though  sometimes,  perchance,  it  may  be  rather  more, 
With  sky-light  or  no  light,  ghosts,  goblins,  and  gloom 
And  everywhere  termed  "  the  Bachelor's  Room." 

These  creatures,  they  say,  are  not  valued  at  all, 

Except  when  the  herd  give  a  Bachelor's  ball. 

Then  dress'd  in  their  best,  in  their  gold-broidered  vest, 

'Tis  known  of  a  fact,  that  they  act  with  much  tact ; 

And  they  lisp  out  "How  do?"  and  they  coo,  and  they  sue, 

And  they  smile  for  awhile,  their  guests  to  beguile, 

Condescending  and  bending,  for  fear  of  offending ; 

Though  inert,  they  exert  to  be  pert  and  to  flirt ; 

And  they  turn,  and  they  twist,  and  they  e'en  play  at  whist, 

And  they  whirl,  and  they  twirl,  and  they  whisk,  and  are  brisk 

And  they  whiz,  and  they  quiz,  and  they  spy  with  their  eye; 

And  they  sigh  as  they  fly. 

For  they  meet  to  be  sweet,  and  be  fleet  on  their  feet ; 

Pattering,  and  flattering,  and  chattering; 

Spluttering,  and  fluttering,  and  buttering; 

Advancing,  and  glancing,  and  dancing,  and  prancing  ; 

And  bumping,  and  jumping,  and  stumping,  and  thumping; 

Sounding,  and  bounding,  around  and  around  ; 

Sliding  and  gliding  with  minuet  pace  ; 

Pirouetting  and  setting  with  infinite  grace. 

They  like  dashing  and  flashing,  lashing  and  splashing, 

And  racing  and  chasing,  paring  and  lacing  ; 

They  are  frittering,  and  glittering,  gallant  and  gay 

Yawning  all  morning,  and  lounging  all  day  ; 

Love  living  in  London,  life  loitering  away 

At  the  Club  and  at  Crockford's,  the  park  and  the  play. 

But  when  the  Bachelor  boy  grows  old, 
And  these  butterfly  days  are  past; 

When  threescore  years  their  tale  have  tola, 
lie  then  repents  at  last. 

When  he  becomes  an  odd  old  man, 

With  no  wanner  friend  than  a  warming  pan  ! 

lie  is  fidgetty,  fretful,  and  frowsy — in  line, 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  35 

Loves  set/and  his  bed,  and  his  dinner  and  wine; 

And  he  rates  and  he  prates,  and  reads  the  debates; 

Abuses  the  world,  and  the  won. en  he  hates  ; 

And  is  prosing,  and  dozing1  and  cozing'  all  day  , 

And  snoring-,  and  boring-,  and  roaring  away; 

And  he's  snuffy,  and  puffy,  and  huffy,  and  stuffy  ; 

And  musty,  and  fusty,  and  rusty,  and  crusty  ; 

Sneezing,  and  wheezing,  and  tearing,  and  freezing : 

And  grumbling,  and  mumbling-,  and  stumbling,  and  tumbling ! 

Falling,  and  bawling,  and  sprawling,  and  crawling  ; 

And  withering,  and  dithering,  and  quivering,  and  shivering; 

Waking,  and  aching,  and  quaking  and  shaking; 

Ailing-,  and  Jailing,  and  always  bewailing; 

Dreary,  and  weary,  and  nothing  that's  cheery  ; 

Groaning-,  and  moaning,  his  selfishness  owning  ; 

And  sighing,  and  crying,  when  lying  and  dying ; 

Grieving  and  heaving,  though  nought  he  is  leaving 

But  wealth,  and  ill  heath,  and  his  pelf,  and  his  self. 

Then  he  sends  for  a  doctor,  to  cure  or  to  kill, 

Who  gives  him  offence,  as  well  as  a  pill, 

By  dropping  a  hint  about  making  his  will, 

And  as  fretful  Antiquity  cannot  be  mended, 

The  lonely  life  of  the  Bachelor's  ended. 

Nobody  mourns  him,  and  nobody  sighs ; 

Nobody  misses  him,  nobody  cries  ; 

For  nobody  grieves  when  a  Bachelor  dies. 
Now,  gentlemen,  mark  me  ! — for  this  is  the  life 
That  is  led  by  a  man  never  bless'd  with  a  wife  ■ 
And  this  is  the  way  he  yields  up  his  breath, 
Attested  by  all  who  are  in  at  the  death. 


Very  Wise. — Every  industrious  man,  by  his  labour,  manual 
or  mental,  depends  upon  his  personal  exertions  for  fortune  and  for 
fame.  Every  indolent  man  depends  for  subsistence  upon  the  la- 
bour of  others— upon  patrimonial  resources,  or  upon  trick  and 
lis 'id.  One  adds  to  the  common  stock  of  wealth  and  human  en- 
joj  ment ;  the  other  adds  nothing.  The  last  are  like  the  grain- 
worms,  which  consume  our  crops,  without  rendering  any  equiva- 
lent to  society. 


Very  Witty— A  barrister  in  the  Common  Picas  the  other  day, 
in  the  course  of  his  address  to  the  court,  repeatedly  made  use  of 

the  words  "  rule  nisi,"  upon  which  the  witty  Serjeant  T was 

heard  to  exclaim,  that  it  required  a  nice  eye  to  see  the  point  of  hia 
argument. 


36  THE   BOOK  OP 

THE  ASS  AND  THE  SLUGGARD. 

One  morning:,  as  a  milk-lad  and  his  ass  were  going  their  morn- 
ing rounds  through  Barnsley  streets,  the  donkey  commenced  bray- 
ing; but  before  he  had  finished  his  enchanting  music,  a  chamber 
window  was  hastily  thrown  open,  and  out  popped  a  head  with  a 
night-cap  on,  and  a  voice  exclaimed,  in  a  tone  almost  as  loud  as 
the  offender,  "  You  rascal !  why  did  you  let  your  ass  bray  before 
my  door,  when  I  was  fast  asleep  ?"'  The  boy,  who  could  not  help 
laughing,  cocked  up  his  face  at  the  sleepy  gentleman,  and  replied, 
"  Wha,  vo  shud  a  spoken  befoar,  mestur  ;  cos  haw  did't  donkey 
naw  yo  wor  asleep?"  This  was  sufficient ;  down  fell  the  window 
quicker  than  it  went  up,  and  the  boy  went  about  his  business. 


^s  s  ^  y  ■• 


SOLUTION  OE  THE  RIDDLE,  Page  21. 

That  never  can  be,  quoth  I, 

Or  I  can't  make  it  out ; 

For  if  one  syllable  you  take  from  five, 

Four  will  remain,  no  doubt. 

I  thought  the  matter  o'er  again, 

And  discovered  for  my  pains, 

That  if  from  monosyllable  you  take  MO, 

"  No  syllable"  remains. 

A  Blue  Stocking'. — A  learned  young  lady  once  astonished  a 
company  by  asking  for  the  "loan  of  a  diminutive,  argenteous, 
truncated  cone,  convex  on  its  summit,  ami  semi-perforated  with 
symmetrical  indentations." She  wanted  a  thimble. 


Tt  is  with  narrow-souled  people  as  with  narrow-necked  botth  s, 
the  less  they  have  in  them,  the  more  noise  they  make  in  pouring 
it  out. 

EPIGRAM. 

It  blew  a  hard  Rtorm,  and  in  utmost  confusion, 

The  sailors  all  hurried  to  pet  absolution, 

Which  done,  and  the  weight  of  the  sin  they  eonfess'd, 

Transferr'd,  as  they  thought,  from  themselves  to  the  priest 

To  lighten  the  ship,  and  conclude  the  devotion, 

They  toss'd  the  old  parson  souse  into  the  ocean. 


Love  of  Music. — "The  man  who  has  no  music  in  his  soul" 

Was  last  week  seen  listening  to  a  saw  lilcr   while   at   work.      The 
man  seemed  highly  delighted. 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  37 

Buck,  the  New  York  coined iau,  was  asked  how  he  came  to  turn 
Lis  coat  twice.     He  replied  that  one  good  turn  deserved  another. 


A  mathematician  being-  asked  by  a  wag,  "  If  a  pig  weighs  two 
hundred  pounds,  how  much  will  a  large  hog  weigh?"  replied, 
"Jump  into  the  scale  and  I  will  tell  you  immediately." 

Some  reputed  saints  that  have  been  canonized,  ought  to  have 
been  cannonaded  ;  and  some  reputed  sinners  that  have  been  can- 
nonaded, ought  to  have  been  canonized. 


RECOVERY  OF  DEBT. 

A  subscriber  to  one  of  the  papers  being  sadly  in  arrears  for  the 
same,  promised  the  editor  that  if  his  life  was  spared  to  a  certain 
day,  he  would  without  fail  discharge  his  bill.  The  day  passed  and 
the  bill  was  not  paid.  The  natural  conclusion,  therefore,  was  that 
the  man  was  dead,  absolutely  defunct.  Proceeding  on  this  con- 
clusion, the  editor  in  his  next  paper  put  the  name  of  the  delinquent 
under  the  obituary  head,  with  the  attending  circumstances  of  time 
and  place.  Very  soon  after  the  announcement,  the  subject  of  it 
appeared  to  the  editor,  not  with  the  pale  ghastly  countenance  usual- 
ly ascribed  to  apparitions,  but  with  a  face  as  red  as  scarlet.  Nei- 
ther did  it,  like  other  apparitions,  wait  to  be  first  spoken  to,  but 
broke  silence — "  What  do  you  mean  by  publishing  my  death?" 
"  Why,  sir,  the  same  that  1  mean  by  publishing  the  death  of  any 
other  person,  that  is,  to  let  the  world  know  that  you  were  dead." 
"  Well,  but  I  am  not  dead  !"  "  Not  dead  !  then  it  is  your  own  fault, 
for  you  told  me  you  would  positively  discharge  the  bill  by  such  a 
day  if  you  lived  to  that  time.  The  day  is  past,  the  bill  is  not  paid, 
and  you  positively  must  be  dead,  for  I  will  not  believe  you  would 
forfeit  your  word — O  no."  "  I  see  you  have  got  round  me,  Mr. 
Editor — but  say  no  mure  about  it,  here  is  the  money.  And  harkee, 
you  wag,  just  contradict  my  death  next  week,  will  you?"  "  O  cer- 
tainly, sir,  just  to  phase  you — though  upon  my  word  I  can't  help 
thinking  you  dead  at  the  time  specified,  and  that  you  have  merely 
come  back  to  pay  this  bill,  on  account  of  your  friendship  for  me." 


"  The  candles  you  sold  me  last  were  very,  very  bad,''  said  Suett 
to  a  tallow  chandler.  "Indeed,  sir,  I  am  very  sorry  for  that." 
"  Yes,  sir,  do  you  know  they  burnt  to  the  middle,  and  then  would 
burn  no  longer."  "Goodness!  you  surprise  me;  what  sir,  did 
they  go  out  ?"     "  No,  sir,  no — they  burnt  shorter." 


38  THE   BOOK   OF 

POLLY'S  GAON. 

I  recollect  when  I  wor  young;,  a  moast  amusing  thin" ; 
'Twill  mak  the  melancholy  laf,— the  saddest  soul  to  sing. 

The  thing  consarn'd  a  naybur  lass,  who  wanted  a  new  gaon ; 
Said  she,  "  I'll  have  a  bran  new  one, — the  grandest  in  the  taon !" 

"There's  Mat  o'  Bob's,  and  Bet  o'  Dick's,  they  swagger  like  a  blade; 
I'll  tak  the  shine  aot  on  'em  both,  when  my  new  gaon  is  made." 

"  I  hae  been  meanly  clad  too  long,  and  I  hae  been  despised  ; 

Fine  fethura  mak  line  birds  indeed ; — my  gaon  will  mak  me  priz'd." 

"A  farmer's  daughter  should  be  drest,  better  than  common  lass  ; 
My  gaon  shall  put  'em  all  ith  shade  ;  good  luck  !  I've  got  the  brass  " 

"The  dress  of  lasses  hereabaots,  and  those  worn  in  the  taon 
Will  all  be  nowt  coiupar'd  wi  mine, — I'll  beat  'em  wi'  my  gaon." 

"  Next  Market-day,  if  I  do  live,  I'll  go  to  Halifax  taon, 

And  in  the  grandest  shop  I'll  buy  the  grandest  print  for  t'  gaon." 

The  Market-day  arriv'd  at  last,  and  Polly  went  tut  taon  ; 
And  fun  the  grandest  shop  in  which  to  buy  herself  a  gaon. 

She  said  tut  muster  of  the  place,  "  I'm  com'd  to  buy  a  print, 
And  yo  mun  show  me  in  this  shop,  the  grandest  yo  have  in't." 

The  shopman  show'd  her  monny  a  piece,  till  1 1  had  show'd  her  all  ;— 
"I  think,  my  lass,  you're  bad  to  suit, — please  you  again  to  call." 

Poll  walked  out  wi'  fallen  brow,  to  other  shops  ith  taon, 
But  could  not  find  a  print  to  suit  for  making  a  new  gaon. 

Returning  by  the  grandest  shop,  said  she,  "  I'll  call  a; ran, 
To  see  when  a  fresh  stock  they'll  get, — a  stock  lit  to  be  seen." 

"  I  had  forgot  when  you  were  here,"  the  man  to  her  did  say, 
"To  show  to  you  a  splendid  print,  magnificent  and  gay. 

It  is  a  lin,  the  grandest  tiring,  the  only  piece  in  town, 

And  if  your  choice  should  lix  on  it,  you'll  have  a  splendid  gown." 

The  shopman  to  the  lad  did  wink,  he  wor  a  merry  blade ; 

While  Polly  said,  "  This  print  will  do, — my  gaon  shall  sooin  be  made." 

"  Its  tfgrandest  thing,"  said  t'lad  ith  shop,  who  wanted  just  to  fun  In  r ; 
"  I'd  hae  it  made  by  a  first-rate  hand,  and  then  'twill  be  a  stunner. 

And  if  you  call  when  it  is  made,  and  let  us  Bee  the  lit 
A  nice  new  ribbon  we  will  give, — an  ornament  lor  it." 

When  she  wor  goane,  the  lad  did  say,  "  She'll  come  in  it  tut  taon  ; 
I'll  watch  for  her— there  will  bo  fun,  with  thai  pom-  lass's  gaon," 

She  show'd  her  mother  what  she'd  brought  from  t'Draper's  in  the  taon  , 

"I've  bought  u  hansom  printed  lin,  to  mak  mwii  a  gaon,." 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  39 

"Thy  taste  is  good,"  her  mother  said,  "how  beautiful  to  see 

Those  fine  green  trees,  and  beasts,  and  birds,  and  huntsmen  in  full  glee!" 

"I  dunnat  like  those  broad  green  leaves,  those  branches  thick  and  tall, 
Burds  red  and  yollow,  ducks  and  geese,"  her  sister  Nan  did  bawl. 

"Thah  g-omeless  goby,  hold  te  tongue,  tha  dusn't  know  what  is  grand, 
I  wish  thee  taste  wor  like  ar  Poll's,  who  gaons  can  understand." 

"  Na,  Polly,  goa  and  get  it  made, —  thah  could  not  hae  a  finer; 
It  mun  be  dun  by  Sunday  next,  and  then  tha'll  be  a  shiner." 

Next  Sunday  Polly  took  the  gaon,  and  don'd  it  on  her  rig  ; 

Her  mother  smiled  and  called  it  grand,  while  Nan  grind  like  a  pig 

Her  father  met  her  at  the  door,  as  she  wor  goin  tut  church  ; 

He  star'd  at  t'gaou  and  muttered  low,  "Tha'll  sooin  be  in  a  lurch." 

"I've  tell'd  my  wife  to  curb  that  lass,  and  cure  her  nasty  pride  ; 
Yet  na  she's  drest  in  that  faal  thing, — burds,  wild  beasts  on  her  hide." 

The  nayburs  laft  as  shoo  went  past ; — "  My  word  that  gaon  dus  show, 
Said  Jack  o'  Bill's,  "What  colours  there  !     She's  rigg'd  with  the 
rainbow. 

See  wild  beasts  there,  and  bonny  burds,  nearly  as  large  as  life ; 
That  pretty  gaon  will  mak  that  lass  reight  sooin  become  a  wife." 

"  I'd  have  her  sooin,  but  I  am  wed,"  said  little  Bobby  Tweezer, 
"And  always  be  admiring  her,  and  in  that  gaon  I'd  squeeze  her. 

She'll  smite  the  lads  of  Halifax,— her  beauty  they'll  admire, 
That  gaon  will  knock  their  hearts  abaot,  and  set  them  all  o'fire." 

And  thus  they  jok'd,  and  jok'd  ageean,  till  Polly  did  feel  praad  ; 
She  toss'd  her  head  and  looked  heigh,  not  understanding  t'craad. 

She  travell'd  on  until  she  came  to  Johnny  Pindar's  cot ; 

He  call'd  his  wife  to  see  her  pass,  and  what  a  gaon  she'd  got. 

"Gooid  morning,  Polly,"  Mally  said,  as  she  went  aot  to  stop  her; 
"Fine  fethurs  mak  fine  birds  indeed, — thy  gaon  it  is  a  topper." 

"  That  gaon  will  gie  thee  luck  to-day,  it  males  thee  look  so  smart ; 
I'gy  tha  will  come  back  to-neet,  this  way  with  a  sweet-heart." 

Polly  delighted,  walked  on,  and  met  with  monny  a  gazer; 
While  lads  and  lasses,  shaoted  aot,  "  That  gaon  it  is  a  blazer." 

She  pass'd  through  t'  streets  withaot  remark,  for  it  had  getten  late, 
Save  from  an  Irishman,  who  said,  "  Your  gaon,  miss,  looks  quite  nate." 

She  enter'd  church,  the  verger  led  smart  Poll  into  a  pew, 
While  nearly  every  head  wor  turned,  the  comic  scene  to  view. 

The  parson  looked  from  his  book,  I'm  sure  I  saw  him  smile ; 
lie  had  hard  wark  to  cook  his  face,  as  Poll  went  daon  the  ile. 


40  THE   BOOK   OF 

The  old  fat  dark  be  laft  to  see,  Polly  with  her  dress  on, 

He  smooth'd  his  face,  and  said,  Amen,  but  nearly  lost  his  less'n. 

I  saw  a  lady  laf  outright,  for  shame,  I  dare  not  name  her; 
It  would  hue  made  a  vicar  laf,  Poll's  gaon  wor  such  a  flamer. 

Poll  sat  besides  the  ladies  grand,  and  tried  to  look  as  prim ; 
They  did  not  like  so  queer  a  squad,  so  near,  and  they  look'd  grim. 

But  Polly  sat  like  onny  queen,  as  if  she  wear'd  a  craan, 
Her  consequence  wor  great  indeed,  created  by  her  gaon. 

0  Polly  lass,  thah  maks  me  think  of  Bobby  Burns  the  poet, 

Whose  words  condemn  not  only  thee,  but  all  who're  praad  and  show  it,— 

"  0  that  we  had  the  gijt  to  see 

Ourselves  as  we  are  seen, 
We  sooin  should  loise  arfooilish  airs, 
And  not  appear  so  green." 

Who  should  I  see  in  the  next  seat,  but  t'merry  Draper's  lad, 

"  I'll  have  some  fun,"  thought  he,  "to-day  ;  I'm  tired  of  being  sad." 

"That  curtain  print,  ha  queer  it  looks,  upon  that  ninny's  back, 
0  I  have  laft  since  I  sell'd  it, — it  fits  her  like  a  sack." 

My  lad,  I  blame  yo  very  much,  for  plaguing  t' simple  lass, 

Yo  sell'd  her  t'print  for  a  gooid  spree,  and  to  get  hold  o'th  brass. 

Yo've  thrown  the  church-foaks  on  this  day,  into  sad  commotion  ; 
That  gaon  has  drawn  their  lit  arts  away  from  all  pure  devotion." 

At  last  the  Parson  said  the  Grace,  the  people  to  dismiss, 

But  every  eye  was  iix'd  on  Poll,  and  hundreds  said,  "  What's  this?" 

On  Polly's  gaon  the  children  saw  the  huntsmen  and  the  haands, 
The  flying  birds,  the  ducks  and  geese,  pleas'd  them  beyond  all  baands. 

"  I  never  saw  a  gaon  like  that,"  a  score  of  voices  said  ; 
"Why  of  such  stall'  the  quality  mak  curtains  for  a  bed." 

Such  speeches  open'd  Polly's  eyes, — she  knew  not  where  to  go, — 
To  leave  the  craad  that  on  her  prest,  she  ran  through  Ratton  Ltow. 

Poor  Polly  saw  her  error  na,— that  all  her  pride  wor  liiarr'd, 

For  moast  o'  foaks  .-lie  jmss'd  cried  aot,  "  What  wor  that  gaon  a  yard  ."' 

At  length  she  reaoh'd  Bet  Bradley's  shop,  to  buy  hersen  some  spice; 

Tuas  but  to  stop  till  t'oburch  foaks  pass  d,  her  gaon  it  wor  so  nice. 

Spice  Betty  said  when  she  w<  :it  in,  "  Yoar  gaon  amazes  me," 
While  lads  and  i        •  rushed  in,  resolv'd  to  have  a  spree. 

And  others  gether'd  raand  the  door,  and  sooin  began  to  shaot, 
And  then  they  tried  a  dodge  or  two,  to  ;j-t  poor  Polly  aot. 

On.  opi  n'd  door  \.  ,  and  aot  o'  breath  he  panted, 

"  ^  oar  mother  has  been  taken  ill,  und,  Polly,  yo  an-  wanU  ■  !  ' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  41 

But  Polly  saw  'twas  all  a  trick,  and  therefore  sat  ber  daon, 
But  felt  uneasy  when  she  thought  abaot  her  plaguy  gaon. 

"Poll  never  look'd  so  smart  before,"  said  knock-o-knee'd  Harry  ; 

"  I'd  save  that  gaon  till  t' wedding-day,  when  t'ehap  and  yo  shall  marry." 

"Where  wor  it  bought?"  Jack  Smithies  said,  "there's  nowt  like  that 
itfa  taon, 

It  must  hae  come  from  foreign  pairts, — it  is  a  foreign  gaon." 

"Id  send  for  t'piece,"  said  squinting-  Dick,  "if  I  knew  where  it  wor, 
And  give  some  to  each  lass  I  know,  to  mak  a  gaon  for  her." 

"Why  should  one  lass  monopolize  fine  gaons  unto  hersen, 
And  try  to  act  so  lady-like,  to  gain  the  love  of  men?" 

"  Yo've  bet  old  Lady  Best  to-day,  — hoo's  very  fond  o'  dress, 

But  though  boo  has  a  hundred  gaons,  hoo's  noane  like  that,  I  guess." 

"Yo  have  a  hunt  upon  yoar  back,  the  haands  are  in  full  glee  ; 
Whisht !  dun't  yo  hear  the  huntsman's  horn,  saanding  right  merrily." 

"It  is  a  bonny,  pratty  gaon, — it's  fit  for  onny  queen  ; 

The  nicest  gaon  that  in  the  church,  for  twelve  years  has  been  seen." 

"Come  sell  it  me,"  said  Tim  o'  Jack's,  "I'll  give  yo  onny  brass, 
And  it  shall  grace  my  wedding  day,  when  I  have  got  a  lass." 

And  thus  they  jok'd  and  laft  away,  and  made  th'  old  spice  shop  ring; 
And  "Tally-ho,"  and  "Hark-away,"  they  all  began  to  sing. 

This  put  poor  Polly  in  a  rage,  and  rarely  warm'd  her  mettle, 

She  rose  and  stamp'd,  and  with  her  gaon,  pull'd  from  t'rib  the  kettle. 

It  scalded  one  of  Betty's  feet, — she  had  'em  on  the  fender; 
"I  wish  that  lass  would  just  go  aot,  if  not,  I  mun  send  her." 

Poll  said,  "I'll  stop  no  longer  here  ;"  and  to  the  door  she  dash'd, 
But  knocked  daon  the  tracle-drink, — the  bottle  too  was  smash  d. 

0  then  there  wor  a  bonny  row — they  push'd  poor  Polly  daon, 
Upset  the  chairs  and  tables  too,  and  rove  her  bonny  gaon. 

The  cakes,  and  toffee,  and  potates,  were  squander'd  on  the  floor 
And  Polly  said,  "If  I  get  aot,  I  will  come  here  no  more." 

The  humbug-glass  and  butter-scot,  and  parkins  they  knock'd  daon, 
The  tracle-can  and  blacking-pot,  fell  on  poor  Polly  s  gaon. 

The  nuts  and  apples  flew  abaot,  it  was  a  shame  to  see, 

While  Polly  wept  and  sobb'd  aloud,  "I  wish  I  were  but  free  !" 

"I  little  thought  when  I  set  aot,  this  morning  in  my  gaon, 

That  I  should  have  such  fooils  to  meet,  in  this  fine  polish'd  taon." 

"Com.-,  Polly,  lass,  let's  mak  it  up,"  said  Bill  o'  Jack's  o'  Ned, 
"And  we  will  have  noan  of  bitch  jars,  when  I  and  yo  are  wed." 

"I'll  noane  be  P  oil'd  by  tin  e,"  .-be  said  ;  "I  wish  tha  wor  it li  wars," 
And  then  she  struck  hiui  on  the  face,  and  made  lam  see  the  stars, 


42  THE    BOOK   OF 

But  Billy  could  not  brook  the  blow,  which  she  to  him  had  given ; 
He  rush'd  to  pay  her  back  agean,  and  Polly's  gaon  wor  riven. 

And  all  the  other  reckless  chaps,  their  frolisj  did  increase, 
And  pull'd  abaot  poor  Polly's  gaon,  till  each  had  g-ot  a  piece. 

Such  frantic  ways  made  Betty  shaot,  "  Villains,  what  will  yo  do  * 
I  never  saw  my  hause  before,  in  such  a  hullabuloo." 

"  This  mischief  has  arisen  from  that  country  hawbuck's  gaon  ; 
I  wish  she'd  been  at  Jericho,  and  not  in  Halifax  taon." 

"  And  na  who  is  to  pay  me,  for  what  yo've  stole  and  brocken, 
Yo  every  one  have  done  yoar  warst,  or  I  have  never  spocken." 

"  Ay,  yo  ma  laf,  yo  brazen  things,  and  scorn  the  words  I  say, 
But  I  will  mak  yo  laf,  yo  imps,  your  maath  another  way." 

"I'll  go  to  Justice  Stocks'  at  morn,  who  lives  at  Kath'rine  Slack, 
I  will  have  payment  from  yo  all  — a  warrant  aot  I'll  tak." 

Yo  villains  all,  get  aot  at  hause,  yos'  stop  no  longer  here." 
And  Betty  seized  the  lire-poker,  and  made  them  disappear. 

But  Polly  stopp'd  awhile  behind,  and  then  she  heard  them  shaot, 
"  We'll  buy  no  more  at  this  spice-shop,  unless  they  turn  her  aot." 

Spice  Betty  said  to  Polly  then,  "  Yoar  nasty  stinking  pride, 
Has  ruined  me,  and  humbled  yo  ;  I  wonder  yo  can  bide." 

"  Mak  off  from  here,  and  come  no  more,  for  yo  are  very  green, 
And  tell  yoar  mother  I  believe,  she  yo  forgot  to  wean." 

In  saddest  mood  Poll  ventur'd  forth,  and  fac'd  the  craad  at  t'door, 
When  "Tally-ho,"  and  "  Hark-away,"  were  shaoted  more  and  more. 

They  click'd  her  gaon,  but  off  she  ran,  reight  up  throo  Cripplegate, 
Through  Smithy  Slake  and  Winding-road,  when  t'craad  began  to  abate. 

At  last  she  got  to  Ovenden  cross,  methought  I  heard  her  Bay, 
"  I  wor  in  different  trim  this  morn,  when  I  came  on  this  way." 

"  I  think  I  limn  have  fooiliah  been,  it  all  looks  like  a  trance; 
There  is  a  time  to  weep,  I  find,  as  weU  as  one  to  dance." 

"By  nasty  pride  I've  been  undone,  and  by  an  ugly  choice, 
In  what  1  buy  another  time,  wise  foaks  shall  have  a  voice." 

But  when  she  came  in  Bight  of  hoam,  the  foaks  did  her  assail  ; 
"  Is  this  the  gaon  yo'd  on  this  morn?    Egad,  it's  lost  its  tail." 

She  oppen'd  t'door,  and  sat  her  daon,  for  shoo  wor  ommost  spent, 
And  tell'd  'em  what  had  taken  place,  since  from  that  hause  she  went. 

Her  mother  wept,  her  father  too  her  folly  did  bewail, 

While  Nanny  nobbuf  lafl  and  said,  "  By  pride  tha's  lost  thee  tail." 

"I've  been  a  lafflng-StOCll   :ill   day,"  .said    I'olly  ill  la T  ire, 

Aud  then  she  took  her  riven  gaon,  and  put  it  on  the  lire. 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  43 

u  I  will  no  more  be  plagu'd  by  tbee,  whatever  tha  has  cost  ; 
I've  learnt  a  lesson  g-ooid  to-day,  from  t'peace  o'  mind  I've  lost." 

"  Pride  goes  before  destruction,  lass" 

Her  father  then  did  say  ; 
"  And  haughtiness  before  a  fall, 

As  we  have  seen  to-day. 

Ah  never  think  that  all  is  gold, 

Though  it  may  breetly  shine, 
But  do  below  the  surface  look, 

And  thah  will  find  a  mine." 


A  FAST  WORKMAN. 

During  that  part  of  the  year  when  days  are  at  their  shortest,  a 
blacksmith  was  sent  for  to  one  of  the  linen  warehouses  in  Barnsley, 
to  fix  some  iron  bars  outside  a  window,  in  one  of  the  upper  stories  , 
whilst  fixing  the  last  bar,  Mr.  Vulcan  forgot  to  take  in  his  head; 
and  having  dropped  the  screw-driver  before  he  had  discovered  his 
mistake,  he  had  no  chance  of  extricating  himself.  His  employer 
happening  to  come  some  time  after,  to  see  how  he  was  getting  on, 
called  out,  "  Well,  Abraham,  I  see  you  have  just  done."  "Nay, 
sur,"  replied  Abraham,  "I've  ed  dun  these  two  hawers;  but yo see 
I've  made  me  head  fast."  The  gentleman  laughed  heartily  to 
see  his  man  so  nicely  fixed  in  the  stocks,  and,  as  a  caution  to  him 
to  be  more  wary  in  future,  suffered  him  to  remain  in  that  situation 
nearly  all  the  afternoon,  without  dinner. 


An  Irishman  fights  before  he  reasons,  a  Scotchman  reasons  be- 
fore he  fights,  an  Englishman  is  not  particular  as  to  the  order  of 
precedence,  but  will  do  either  to  accommodate  his  customers.  A 
modern  general  has  said,  that  the  best  troops  would  be  as  follows: 
An  Irishman  half  drunk,  a  vScotchman  half-starved,  and  an  Eng- 
lishman with  his  belly  full. 


Great  Delusion. — We  once  heard  of  a  traveller  at  a  Pennsyl- 
vania hotel,  who  rose  from  his  bed  at  night  to  examine  the  wea- 
ther, but  instead  of  looking  out  upon  the  sky,  thrust  his  head 
through  the  glass  window  of  a  cupboard,  "Landlord,'  cried  the 
astonished  man,  "this  is  very  singular  weather;  the  night  is  as 
dark  as  Egypt,  and  smells  of  cheese." 


4A  TIIE   BOOK   OP 

IRELAND  ONCE. 

Under  the  government  of  O'Brien,  one  of  the  old  Irish  kings 
such  a  spirit  of  justice,  virtue,  and  equity,  prevailed  among  the 
people,  that  a  person  who  carried  valuable  property  about  him, 
and  even  a  defenceless  female,  might  traverse  the  realm  without, 
fear  of  injury  or  molestation.  'A  young  lady  of  great  beauty  (says 
Dr.  Warner,)  adorned  with  jewels  and  a  costly  dress,  undertook"  a 
journey  alone,  from  one  end  of  the  kingdom  to  another,  with  only 
a  wand  in  her  hand,  at  the  tqp  of  which  was  a  ring  of  exceedingly 
great  value  ;  and  such  an  impression  had  the  laws  and  government 
of  this  monarch  made  on  the  minds  of  all  the  people,  that  no  at- 
tempt was  made  upon  her  honour,  nor  was  she  robbed  of  her 
clothes  or  jewels.' 

The  incident  is  thus  versified  in  Mr.  Moore's  Melodies,  and  it 
has  furnished  a  pleasing  subject  for  the  exercise  of  the  talents  of 
two  of  our  most  ingenious  artists. 

Ricb  and  rare  were  the  g-ems  she  wore, 
And  a  bright  g-old  ring-  on  her  wand  she  bore ; 
l>ut,  oh  !   her  beauty  was  far  beyond 
Her  sparkling-  gems  and  snow-white  wand. 

'  Lady  !  dost  thou  not  fear  to  stray, 

So  lone  and  lovely,  through  this  bleak  way? 

Are  Erin's  sons  so  good  or  so  cold 

As  not  to  be  tempted  by  women  or  gold  V 

'Sir  Knight !   I  feel  not  the  least  alarm  ; 

No  son  of  Erin  will  offer  me  harm: 

For,  though  they  love  women  and  golden  stove, 

Sir  Knight !  they  love  honour  and  virtue  more.' 

On  she  went,  and  her  maiden  smile 
In  safety  lighted  her  round  the  Green  Isle; 
And  bless' d  for  ever  is  she  who  relied 
Upon  Erin's  honour  and  Erin's  pride  ! 


When  Mr.  C.  Yorke  was  returned  member  for  the  University 
of  Cambridge,  in  1780,  he  went  round  to  thank  the  members  who 
had  voted  for  him.  Among  the  number  was  one  remarkable  for 
having  the  largest  and  ugliest  face  that  ever  was  seen.  Mr, 
in  thanking  him,  said,  "Sir,  I  have  a  great  reason  to  be  thankful 
to  my  friends  in  general,  hut  enures,  myself  under  particular  ob- 
ligations to  you  for  the  very  remarkable  countenance  you  li 
ihoum  me  upon  this  occasi 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 


What's  duller  than  a  sword  of  lead?    The  brains 
.  What's  duller  than   a  ruaty    poker?     The       S- 
.     old  sordid  Bachelor!     Who.'    scouted 


ore  sour. 


A  PUZZLE 

FOR  A 
BACHELOR. 


5  * 

.   "1    s> 


B     Oft 


fif? 


3    a)  H 

t,  g       — ^[snotAna    s[a\ot£)    'aaAioq   s/puj       2:  ^ 


P    «<! 


-lunsuos  jsotn  'jsannp  Tnqj,  Ijaspom  [titn 
V     6  niujq   e,to;[uop  u   utu[i   ia[pnp   slTTiqAY 


45 


A  CKIP  FEOM  A  SAILOR'S  LOG. 

It  was  a  dead  calm — not  a  breath  of  air — the  sails  flapped  idly 
against  the  masts  ;  the  helm  had  lost  its  power,  and  the  ship  turn- 
ed her  head  how  and  where  she  liked.  The  heat  was  intense,  so 
much  so,  that  the  chief  mate  had  told  the  boatswain  to  keep  the 
watch  out  of  the  sun  ;  but  the  watch  below  found  it  too  warm  to 
sleep,  and  were  tormented  with  thirst,  which  they  could  not  gratify 
till  the  water  was  served  out.  They  had  drunk  all  the  previous 
day's  allowance  ;  and  now  that  their  scuttle  butt  was  dry,  there  was 
nothing  left  for  them  but  endurance.  Some  of  the  seamen  had 
congregated  on  the  top-gallant  forecastle,  where  they  gazed  on  the 
clear  blue  water  with  longing  eyes. 

'  How  cool  and  clear  it  looks,'  said  a  tall,  powerful  young  sea- 
man ;  '  I  don't  think  there  are  many  sharks  about;  what  do  you 
Bay  for  a  bath,  lads  ?" 

4  That  for  the  sharks !'  burst  almost  simultaneously  from  the 
parched  lips  of  the  group  :  "  we'll  have  a  jolly  good  bath  when  the 
second  mate  goes  in  to  dinner.'  In  about  halt  an  hour  the  dinner 
bell  rang.  The  boatswain  took  charge  of  the  deck  ;  some  twenty 
sailors  were  now  stripped,  except  a  pair  of  light  duck  trousers; 
among  the  rest  was  a  tall,  powerful,  coast-of-Africa  nigger,  of  the 
name  of  Leigh :  they  used  to  joke  him,  and  call  him  Sambo. 


46 


THE    BOOK    OF 


'  \  ou  no  swim  to-day,  Ned  ?'  said  he,  addressing  me.  '  Feared 
of  shark,  heh  ?  Shark  nebber  bite  me.  Suppose  I  meet  shark  in 
water,  I  swim  after  him— him  run  like  debbel.'  I  was  tempted, 
and,  like  the  rest,  was  soon  ready.  In  quick  succession  we  jump- 
ed off  the  spritsail  yard,  the  black  leading.  We  had  scarcely  been 
in  the  water  five  minutes,  when  some  voice  on-board  cried  oiit,  '  A 
shark !  a  shark  !'  In  an  instant  every  one  of  the  swimmers  came 
tumbling  up  the  ship's  sides  half  mad  with  fright,  the  gallant 
black  among  the  rest.  It  was  a  false  alarm.  We  felt  angry  with 
ourselves  for  being  frightened,  angry  with  those  who  had  frighten- 
ed us,  and  furious  with  those  who  had  laughed  at  us.  In  another 
moment  we  were  all  again  in  the  water,  the  black  and  myself  swim- 
ming some  distance  from  the  ship.  For  two  successive  voyages 
there  had  been  a  sort  of  rivalry  between  us  ;  each  fancied  that  he 
was  the  best  swimmer,  and  we  were  now  testing  our  speed. 

'  Well  done,  Ned  !'  cried  some  of  the  sailors  from  the  forecastle. 
*  Go  it,  Sambo  !'  cried  some  others.  We  were  both  straining  our 
utmost,  excited  by  the  cheers  of  our  respective  partisans.  Sud- 
denly the  voice  of  the  boatswain  was  heard  shouting,  '  A  shark ! 
a  shark !  Come  back  for  God's  sake !' 

4  Lay  aft,  and  lower  the  cutter  down,'  then  came  faintly  on  our 
ear.  The  race  instantly  ceased.  As  yet,  we  only  half  believed 
what  we  heard,  our  recent  fright  being  still  fresh  iii  our  memories. 

'  Swim  for  God's  sake !'  cried  the  captain,  who  was  now  on  deck  : 
'  he  has  not  yet  seen  you.  The  boat,  if  possible,  will  get  between 
you  and  him.  Strike  out,  lads,  for  God's  sake !'  My  heart  stood 
still:  I  felt  weaker  than  a  child  as  I  gazed  at  the  dorsal  I'm  of  a 
large  shark  on  the  starboard  quarter.  Though  in  the  water,  the 
perspiration  dropped  from  me  like  rain  :  the  black  was  striking  out 
like  mad  for  the  ship. 

'  Swim,  Ned— swim !'  cried  several  voices  ;  '  they  never  take 
black  when  they  can  get  white.' 

I  did  swim,  and  that  desperately:  the  water  foamed  past  me, 
I  soon  breasted  the  black,  but  could  not  head  him.  We  both  strain- 
ed every  nerve  to  be  first,  for  we  each  fancied  die  la--t  man  would 
betaken.  Yet  we  scarcely  seemed  to  move:  the  ship  appeared 
as  far  as  ever  from  us.  We  were  both  powerful  swimmers,  and 
both  of  us  swam  in  the  French  way  called  la  brasse,  or  hand  over 
hand  in  English.  There  was  something  the  matter  with  the  boat's 
falls,  and  they  could  not  lower  her. 

'  He  sees  you  now!'    was  shouted  ;   'he  is  after  you!'    Oh  the 

agony  of  that  moment!  I  thought  of  everything  at  the  same  in- 
stant, at  least  so  it  seemed  to  me  then.  Scenes  long  forgotten 
rushed  through  my  brain  with  the  rapidity  of  lightning,  yet  in  the 


ETJN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  47 

midst  of  tliis  I  was  striking  out  madly  for  the  ship.  Each  moment 
I  fancied  I  could  feel  the  pilot-fish  touching  me,  and  I  almost 
screamed  with  agony.  We  were  now  not  ten  yards  from  the  ship : 
fifty  ropes  were  thrown  to  us ;  but,  as  if  by  mutual  instinct,  we 
swam  for  the  same. 

'  Hurra !  they  are  saved  ! — they  are  alongside !'  was  shouted  by 
the  eager  crew.  We  both  grasped  the  rope  at  the  same  time  ;  a 
slight  struggle  ensued :  I  had  the  highest  hold.  Regardless  of 
everything  but  my  own  safety,  I  placed  my  feet  on  the  black's 
shoulders,  scrambled  up  the  side,  and  fell  exhausted  on  the  deck. 
The  negro  followed  roaring  with  pain,  for  the  shark  had  taken 
away  part  of  his  heel.  Since  then,  I  have  never  bathed  at  sea  ; 
nor,"  I  believe,  has  Sambo  been  ever  heard  again  to  assert  that  he 
would  swim  after  a  shark  if  he  met  one  in  the  water. 


A  person  talking  to  Foote  of  an  acquaintance  of  his,  who  was 
so  avaricious,  that  he  lamented  the  prospect  of  his  funeral  expenses, 
and  who  yet  had  censured  one  of  his  relations  for  his  parsimony  ; 
"Now  is  it  not  strange,"  continued  he,  "that  this  man  would  not 
take  the  beam  out  of  his  own  eye,  before  he  attempted  the  mote 
in  other  people's  ?"  "Why,  so  I  dare  say  he  would,"  cried  Foote, 
"  if  he  was  sure  of  selling  the  timber." 


FEMALE  COURTSHIP. 

Two  or  three  looks  when  your  swain  wants  a  kiss, 
Two  or  three  noes  when  he  bids  you  say  "  yes," 
Two  or  three  smiles  when  you  utter  the  "no," 
Two  or  three  frowns  if  he  offers  to  go, 
Two  or  three  laughs  when  astray  for  small  chat, 
Two  or  three  tears,  tho'  you  can't  tell  for  what, 
Two  or  three  letters  when  your  vows  are  begun, 
Two  or  three  quarrels  before  you  have  done, 
Two  or  three  dances  to  make  you  jocose, 
Two  or  three  hours  in  a  corner  sit  close, 
Two  or  three  starts  when  he  bids  you  elope, 
Two  or  three  glances  to  intimate  hope, 
Two  or  three  pauses  before  you  are  won, 
Two  or  three  swoonings  to  let  him  press  on, 
Two  or  three  sighs  when  you've  wasted  your  tears, 
Two  or  three  hums  when  the  chaplain  appeal's, 
Two  or  three  squeezes  when  the  hand's  given  away, 
Two  or  three  coughs  when  you  come  to  "obey," 
Two  or  three  lasses  may  have  by  these  rhymes, 
Two  or  three  little  ones, — two  or  three  times. 


48  THE   BOOK   OF 

Pope  and  Swift. — Pope,  notwithstanding  his  diminutive  and 
mishapen  figure,  is  said  to  have  been  not  a  little  susceptible 
of  even  personal  vanity;  as  he  was  one  day  asking  Swift  what 
people  thought  of  him  in  Ireland?  "Why,"  said  Swift,  "They 
think  that  you  are  a  very  little  man,  but  a  very  great  poet."  Pope 
instantly  retorted,  with  some  acrimony,  "And  in  England  they 
think  of  you,  exactly  the  reverse." 


THE  PAIR  SEX. 

When  Eve  brought  "  woe"  to  all  mankind, 
Old  Adam  call'd  her  "  wo-man  ;" 

But  when  she  "woo'd"  with  love  so  kind, 
He  then  pronounced  it  "  woo-man." 

But  now,  with  folly  and  with  pride, 
Their  husbands'  pockets  trimming-, 

The  ladies  are  so  full  of  whim, 

That  people  call  them  "  whim-men." 


Self-Satisfied  Party. — Four  gentlemen,  a  Baptist,  Presbyte- 
rian, Methodist,  and  Roman  Catholic,  met  by  agreement  to  dine 
on  a  fish.  Soon  as  grace  was  said,  the  Catholic  rose,  armed  with 
a  knife  and  fork,  and  taking  about  one-third  of  the  fish,  compre- 
hending the  head,  removing  it  to  his  plate,  exclaiming,  as  be  sat 
down,  with  great  self-satisfaction,  "  Papa  est  caput  ecclesice  ."'  (the 
Pope  is  the  bead  of  the  Church.)  Immediately  the  Methodist 
minister  arose,  and  helping  himself  to  about  one-third,  embracing 
the  tail,  seated  himself,  "  Finis  coronat  opus  f*  (the  end  crowns 
the  work.)  The  Presbyterian  now  thought  it  was  about  time  for 
him  to  move,  and  taking  the  remainder  ol  the  fish  to  his  plate,  ex- 
claimed, "In  media  est  I'eritas  .'"  (truth  lies  between  the  two  ex- 
tremes.) Our  Baptist  brother  bad  nothing  before  him  but  an 
empty  plate,  and  the  prospect  of  a  slim  dinner;  and,  snatching 
up  the  bowl  of  drawn  melted  butter,  be  dasbed  it  over  them  all, 
exclaiming,  "Ego  baplizo  vos  .'"  (1  baptise  you  all.) 


A  Puritan  Rebuked.— "  Ah,  Eliza,"  cried  a  puritan  preacher 
to  a  young  lady  who  had  just  been  making  her  hair  into  beautiful 
ringlets,  "  Ah,  Eliza,  had  God  intended  your  lucks  to  he  curled,  lie 
would  have  curled  them  for  you." — "Whin  1  was  an  infant,"  re- 
plied the  damsel,  "he  did  ;  but  now  I  am  grown  up,  be  thinks  I 
dm  able  to  do  it  myself." 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  49 

Girls,  Beware ! — .lean  Paul  thus  cautions  young  girls : — The 
young  men  fell  on  tlieiv  knees  before  you  ;  but,  remember,  it  is  but 
as  the  infantry  before  cavalry,  that  they  may  conquer  and  kill ;  or 
as  the  hunter,  who  only  on  bended  knees  takes  aim  at  his  victim. 


ATTACHMENT  OF  AN  ARAB  HORSE. 

An  Arab  and  his  tribe  had  attacked,  in  the  desert,  the  Damas- 
cus caravan.  The  victory  was  complete ;  and  the  Arabs  were  al- 
ready busy  in  packing  their  rich  booty,  when  the  cavalry  of  the 
Pacha  of  Acre,  who  had  started  to  meet  this  caravan,  suddenly 
poured  down  upon  the  victorious  Arabs,  killed  a  great  number, 
took  others  prisoners,  and  having  bound  them  with  ropes,  led  them 
to  Acre  to  present  them  to  the  Pacha.  Abou-el-Marsh,  the  leader 
of  this  plundering  expedition,  had  received  a  ball  in  his  arm  dur- 
ing the  skirmish.  The  wound  not  being  mortal,  the  Turks  had 
tied  him  upon  a  camel ;  and  taking  possession  of  his  Arab  charger, 
led  away  both  the  horse  and  his  rider.  The  night  before  the  day 
on  which  they  were  to  enter  Acre,  they  encamped  with  their 
prisoners  in  the  mountains  of  Saphadt.  The  wounded  Arab  had 
his  legs  tied  together  with  a  thong  of  leather,  and  was  stretched 
near  the  tent  in  which  the  Turks  were  sleeping.  During  the  night 
the  pain  of  his  wound  kept  him  awake,  and  he  heard  his  own 
horse  neigh  amongst  the  other  horses,  which  according  to  oriental 
custom,  were  shackled  around  the  tents.  He  recognized  its  voice ; 
and  could  not  resist  the  desire  he  felt  to  speak  once  more  to  the 
companion  of  his  life.  He  dragged  himself  painfully  along  the 
ground  by  the  aid  of  his  hands  and  knees,  and  at  last  managed  to 
reach  his  courser. 

"  My  poor  friend,"  he  said,  "  what  wilt  thou  do  amongst  the 
Turks  ?  Thou  wilt  be  imprisoned  beneath  the  vaults  of  a  khan, 
along  with  the  horses  of  an  aga  or  pacha.  The  women  and  the 
children  will  no  longer  fetch  thee  camel's  milk,  or  barley  and  doura 
in  the  hollow  of  the  hand.  Thou  wilt  no  more  range  freely  through 
the  desert  like  the  Egyptian  wind  ;  nor  will  thy  breast  ever  more 
cleave  the  waters  of  the  Jordan.  If  I  am  to  live  in  slavery,  do  thou 
at  least  be  free !  There  ;  go,  return  to  the  well-known  tent.  Tell 
my  wife  that  Abou-el-Marseh  will  never  return  more;  and  thrust 
thy  head  through  the  curtains  of  the  tent,  to  lick  the  hand  of  my 
little  children."  While  speaking  thus,  Abou-el-Marsch  had  gnaw- 
ed with  his  teeth  the  goat's-hair  rope  with  which  Arabian  horses 
are  shackled,  and  the  animal  was  free.  But  on  beholding  his 
master  bound  and  wounded  at  his  feet,  the  faithful  and  intelligent 

B 


50  THE   BOOK  OF 

courser  instinctively  understood  what  no  language  would  have 
been  able  to  explain  to  him.  He  lowered  his  head,  snorted  over 
his  master,  and  then,  seizing  in  his  teeth  the  leathern  girdle  which 
encircled  his  waist,  he  started  off  at  full  gallop,  and  carried  him  as 
far  as  his  own  tent.  The  moment  after  the  noble  horse  had  arrived, 
and  had  deposited  his  master  on  the  sand  at  the  feet  of  his  wife 
and  children,  he  expired  with  fatigue.  The  whole  tribe  bewailed 
him  ;  the  poets  sung  his  praise  ;  and  his  name  is  constantly  uttered 
by  the  mouth  of  the  Arabs  of  Jericho. — Lamartine's  Travels  in 
Syria. 


EPIGRAM. 

Piron  standing  one  day  beneath  a  portico  to  avoid  a  violent 
shower  of  rain,  observed  two  young  ladies  at  a  window  near  him, 
laughing  at  the  people  who  were  runuiug  for  shelter  ;  he  addressed 
them  as  follows  : — 

Ladies,  your  tittering-  mood  this  truth  discovers, 
From  rain,  like  others,  you'd  run  belter  skelter  ; 

But  should  the  heavens  pour  down  a  shower  of  lovers, 
You'd  run  a  race  down  stairs  to  quit  your  shelter. 


WAR. 

Give  me  (says  the  Rev.  Robert  Taylor)  the  money  that  has  been 
spent  in  war,  and  I  will  purchase  every  foot  of  land  upon  the  globe. 
1  will  clothe  every  man,  woman,  and  child,  in  an  attire  of  which 
kings  and  queens  would  be  proud.  I  will  build  a  school-house  on 
every  hill-side,  and  in  every  valley  over  the  whole  earth;  I  will 
build  an  academy  in  every  town,  and  endow  it ;  a  college  in  every 
state,  and  fdl  it  with  able  professors;  I  will  crown  every  hill  with 
a  place  of  worship,  consecrated  to  the  promulgation  of  the  Gospel 
of  peace  ;  1  will  support  in  every  pulpit  an  able  teacher  of  right- 
eousness, so  that  on  every  Sabbath  morning  the  chime  on  one  hill 
should  answer  to  the  chime  on  another  round  the  earth's  wide  cir- 
cumference :  and  the  voice  of  prayer  and  the  song  of  praise  should 
ascend  like  a  universal  holocaust  to  heaven. 


What  part  of  Scripture  would  two  young  ladies  fulfil  when  kis- 
sing each  other '—Doing  to  each  other  as  they  would  that  men 
should  do  onto  them. 


FUN    AM)    AMUSEMENT.  51 

THE  PUDDING  BAG 

To  study  the  people,  the  climate,  and  weather, 
Dr.  Johnson  and  Boswell  a  tower  took  together, 
To  Scotland — where  days  called  ban-yan  days  endure, 
For  living  they  found,  like  the  people,  was  poor. 

At  a  low  little  pot-house,  one  day  like  a  glutton, 
Dr.  Johnson  had  order'd  a  roast  leg  of  mutton  ; 
And  Boswell,  with  appetite  clever  and  'cute, 
Had  also  bespoke  a  boil'd  pudding  to  boot. 

Now  all  being  ready,  they  sat  down  to  dine — 
"  I'm  hungry,"  says  Boswell,  "  this  mutton  is  fine!" 
"And  indeed1'  said  the  doctor,  "  the  pudding's  a  treat- 
So  I've  alter'd  my  mind — and  don't  care  about  meat." 

In  silence  they  dined,  when  the  cloth  clear'd  away, 

Says  Boswell,  "  How  strange  to  refuse  meat  to  day  ! 

'  lis  something  uncommon  roast  mutton  to  pass, 

Strange  that  you,  who  were  starving,  should  still  longer  fast !" 

Said  Johnson,  "  If  really  the  truth  must  be  said, 
I  saw  the  meat  roasting — and  saw  the  boy's  head, 
Which  was  lousy  and  scabby  ;  and  as  round  the  meat  ran, 
He  with  both  his  bauds  scratch'd  his  head  over  the  pan." 

"Unfriendly,"  said  Boswell,  "to  play  such  a  trick, 
The  thoughts  of  it  now  even  makes  my  heart  sick! 
If  half  an  hour  back,  you  your  silence  had  broke — " 
Said  Johnson,  "  No  !  that  would  have  spoil'd  a  good  joke.'' 

Enraged,  return'd  Boswell,  "  I'll  have  the  boy  in, 
And,  curse  him !  I'll  break  every  bone  in  his  skin  : 
Come  here,  you  young  rascal ! — say  how  does  it  hap, 
You  don't  on  that  vile  scabby  head  wear  a  cap?" 

Said  the  boy — "  Why,  gude  sir,  and  indeed  it  is  true, 
That  I  do  wear  a  cap ! — and  indeed,  sir,  I  do  ! 
But  mither,  she  kenning  my  cap  wer  o  gude  'un, 
Has  used  it  this  mornin'  to  boil  your  plum  pudden  ! !" 


•~\^s ^  ^-- 


Latour  Maubourg  lost  his  leg  at  the  battle  of  Leipsic.  After 
he  had  suffered  amputation  with  the  greatest  courage,  he  saw  his 
servant  crying,  or  pretending  to  cry,  in  the  corner  of  the  room. 
"None  of  your  hypocritical  tears,  you  idle  dog,"  said  his  master, 
"you  know  you  are  very  glad,  for  now  you  will  have  only  one 
boot  to  clean  instead  of  two.'' 


52  THE    BOOK   OP 

SUNDRY  MISERIES. 

Residing  between  a  stone-cutter's  and  an  undertaker's. 

Haggling  with  a  surly  hackney-coachman  for  sixpence,  and 
alter  lie  has  driven  off  about  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  recollecting 
that  you  have  left  a  new  umbrella  in  his  coach. 

Drying  a  long  letter  by  the  fire  ;  holding  it  negligently  in  one 
hand  behind  you,  whilst  you  are  conversing  with  a  friend  in  the 
room,  turning  round  and  perceiving  it  to  be  in  flames. 

In  sharply  turning  a  corner,  coming  suddenly  in  contact  with  a 
chimney-sweeper,  who  impresses  your  white  waistcoat  and  light- 
coloured  breeches  with  very  visible  memorials  of  the  rencontre. 

Passing  a  narrow  passage  fresh  painted. 

Forced,  by  politeness,  to  quit  a  comfortable  party,  to  attend  a 
cross  old  maid  to  her  lodgings  at  the  distance  of  two  miles. 

Wishing  to  wake  early  to  be  in  time  for  a  morning  coach,  wa- 
king, and  upon  looking  at  your  watch,  discovering  that  you  had 
not  wound  it  up. 

Making  several  memorandum  knots  in  your  handkerchief,  and 
forgetting  the  important  cause  of  every  one  of  tbem. 

Dreaming  that  you  have  wings,  and  waking  with  a  fit  of  the  gout. 

Endeavouring  to  make  violent  love  under  the  table  and  pressing 
the  wrong  foot. 

Toasting  a  bit  of  cheese,  and  when  it  is  more  than  half  done, 
letting  it  fall  into  the  ashes. 

Hearing  the  bells  ring  for  the  marriage  of  your  rival. 

Knocking  at  the  door  of  a  house  for  half'-an-hour,  and  then  being 
told  that  the  house  has  been  empty  for  the  last  two  months. 

In  a  hurry  to  send  off  a  letter,  dipping  your  finger  into  the  ink 
instead  of  the  wafer-stand. 


The  Wish-Bone.— A  lovelorn  swain  broke  a  wish-bone  with 
his  "heart's  queen"  somewhere  up  in  New  Hampshire.  "  Ncow, 
what  do  you  wish,  Sally?"  demanded  Jonathan,  with  a  tender  grin 
of  expectation.  "  I  wish  I  was  handsome,"  replied  the  fair  dam- 
sel—"handsome  as  Queen  Victory!"  ".ler-ru-salem!  what  a  wish!" 
replied  .Jonathan, — "  when  you're  handsome  'miff  ncow  !  But  I'll 
tell  ye  what  I  wish,  Sally— I  wish  you  was  locked  in  my  arms,  and 
the  key  was  lost!" 

Very  Foolish.— In  Mexico  they  have  a  soap-plant,  with  which 
the  women  wash  clothes.  But  that  is  nothing  to  the  tree  out.  West, 
which  produces  sausages  ready  fried,  and  little  cups  to  hold  the 
graw. 


FUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  53 

THE  GOUTY  MERCHANT  AND  THE  STRANGER, 

In  Bond-street  Building's,  on  a  winter's  night, 

Snu<i-  by  his  parlour  fire,  a  gouty  wight 
Sat  all  alone,  with  one  hand  rubbing 

His  leg  roll'd  up  in  fleecy  hose, 

While  t'other  held  beneath  his  nose 
The  Public  Ledger,  in  whose  columns  grubbing, 

He  noted  all  the  sales  of  hops, 

Ships,  shops,  and  slops, 
Gum,  galls,  and  groceries,  ginger,  gin, 
Tar,  tallow,  turmerick,  turpentine,  and  tin; 
When  lo  !   a  decent  personage  in  black 

Entered,  and  most  politely  said, — 

"Your  footman,  sir,  has  gone  his  nightly  track, 

To  the  King's  Head, 
And  left  your  door  ajar,  which  I 
Observed  in  passing  by, 
And  thought  it  neighbourly  to  give  you  notice." 

"Ten  thousand  thanks — how  very  few  get, 

In  titne  of  danger, 

Such  kind  attentions  from  a  stranger 
Assuredly  that  fellow's  throat  is 
Doom'd  to  a  final  drop  at  Newgate. 
He  knows,  too,  the  unconscious  elf, 
That  there's  no    soul  at  home  exept  myself." 

"Indeed  !"  replied  the  stranger,  looking  grave, 

"  Then  he's  a  double  knave. 

He  knows  that  rogues  and  thieves  by  scores 

Nightly  beset  unguarded  doors  : 

And  see  how  easily  might  one 

Of  these  domestic  foes, 

Even  beneath  your  nose 
Perform  his  knavish  tricks, — 
Enter  your  room  as  I  have  done, 
Blow  out  your  candles— thus — and  thu 
Pocket  your  silver  candlesticks, 
And  walk  off— thus." 

So  said — so  done — he  made  no  more  remark, 

Nor  waited  for  replies, 

But  marched  off  with  his  prize, 
Leaving  the  gouty  merchant  in  the  dark. 

More  libel.—"  Ma,"  said  a  little  girl  to  her  mother,  "  do  the 
men  want  to  get  married  as  much  as  the  women  do  ?"  "  Psha ! 
what  are  you  talking-  about?"  "Why,  Ma,  the  women  who  come 
here  are  always  talking  about  getting  married,  but  the  men  don't 
do  so." 


54  THE    BOOK    OF 

Horrible  Invention.— In  the  inquisition  in  Spain,  there  was 
an  instrument  of  fiendish  ingenuity  truly  horrible.  Its  exterior 
was  a  beautiful  woman,  or  large  doll  richly  dressed,  with  arms  ex- 
tended ready  to  embrace  its  victim.  Around  her  feet  a  semicircle 
was  drawn.  The  victim  who  passed  over  this  fatal  mark  touched 
a  spring,  which  caused  the  diabolical  engine  to  open  ;  its  anus 
clasped  him,  a  thousand  knives  cut  him  into  as  many  pieces  in  the 
deadly  embrace. 


A  BISHOP'S  BLESSING. 

With  cover'd  head,  a  country  boor 

Stood,  while  the  Bishop  bless'd  the  poor, — 

The  mitred  prelate  lifted  high 

His  voice—"  Take  off  your  hat."—"  Not  I, 

Your  blessing's  little  worth,"  he  said, 

"  If  through  the  hat 't  wont  reach  the  head." 


RETRIBUTION. 

In  the  year  1745,  a  party  of  Cumberland's  dragoons  was  hurry- 
ing through  Nithsdale  in  search  of  rebels.  Hungry  and  fatigued, 
they  called  at  a  lone  widow's  house,  and  demanded  refreshment. 
Her  son,  a  lad  of  sixteen,  dressed  them  up  lang  Imle  and  butter, 
and  the  good  woman  brought  them  new  milk,  which  she  told  them 
was  all  her  stock.  One  of  the  party  inquired,  with  seeming  kind- 
ness, how  she  lived.  "Indeed,"  quoth  she,  "the  cow  and  the  kale 
yard,  wi'  God's  blessing,  is  a'  my  mnilcu."  He  arose,  and  with 
his  sabre  killed  the  cow,  and  destroyed  all  the  kale.  The  poor 
woman  was  thrown  upon  the  world,  and  died  of  a  broken  heart; 
the  disconsolate  youth,  her  son,  wandered  away  beyond  the  inquiry 
of  friends  or  the  search  of  compassion.  In  the  continental  war, 
when  the  British  army  had  gained  a  great  and  signal  victory,  the 
soldiers  were  making  merry  with  wine,  and  recounting  their  ex- 
ploits. A  dragoon  roared  out,  "I  once  starved  a  Scotch  witch  in 
Nithsdale.  1  killed  her  cow  and  destroyed  her  greens  :  but,"  added 
he,  "she  could  live  for  all  that  on  her  God,  as  .she  said!''  "And 
don't  you  rue  it?"  "Rue  what ':"'  said  he,  "rue  aught  like  that!" 
"Then  by  my  God,"  cried  the  youth,  unsheathing  his  sword,"  that 

woman  was  my  mother!  Draw,  you  brutal  villain,  draw."  They 
fought;  the  youth  passed  his  sword  twice  through  the  dragoon's 
body,  and,  while  he  turned  him  over  in  the  throes  of  death,  ex- 
claimed, u  Had  you  rued  it,  you  should  have  only  been  punished 
by  your  God  !" 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  55 

The  Earth's  Journey.— 1"  winter  we  are  nearest  the  sun,  and 
in  summer  farthest  from  it ;  for  the  difference  in  the  season  is  not 
occasioned  by  the  greater  or  less  distance  of  the  earth  from  the  sun, 
but  by  the  more  01  less  oblique  direction  of  the  sun's  rays.  The 
length  of  the  path  travelled  over  by  the  earth  is  estimated  at  507, 
019,740  miles,  and,  as  this  immense  distance  is  passed  over  in  a 
j  r,  the  earth  must  moi  e  seventeen  miles  a  second — a  rapidity  so 
far  exceeding  our  conceptions,  that  it  gave  very  just  occasion  to 
the  pleasant  remark  of  Lichteuberg,  that  while  one  man  salutes 
another  in  the  street,  he  goes  many  miles  bareheaded  without 
catchiPjf  cold. 


A  clergyman  wishing  to  know  whether  the  children  of  his  parish- 
jjners  understood  the  Bible,  asked  a  lad  that  he  found  one  day 

reading  the  Old  Testament,  who  was  the  wickedest  man.  "  Moses, 
to  he  sure,"  said  the  boy.  "  Moses  !"  exclaimed  the  parson,  "Mo- 
ses! how  can  that  lie?"—"  Why,"  said  the  lad,  "he  broke  all  the 
commandments  at  once." 


TOM  AND  HIS  FRIENDS; 

OR,  SEVEN  DAYS'  WORK. 

Tom  Ooodfellow  came  to  his  fortune  on  Sunday, 
And  Frii  nds  came  to  see  hiin  in  dozens  on  Monday  . 
On  Tuesday  were  with  him  to  dinner  and  sup ; 
On  Wednesday  in  honour  of  Tom  kept  it  up  ! 
On  Thursday  his  Friends  set  the  dice-box  afloat ! 
On  Friday,  by  some  means,  Tom  lost  his  last  guinea 
And  Saturday — Saturday — saw  an  end  of  the  ninny. 


HUMAN  LIFE  ESTIMATED  BY  PULSATIONS. 

An  ingenious  author  asserts,  that  the  length  of  a  man's  life  may 
be  estimated  by  the  number  of  pulsations  he  has  strength  to  per- 
form. Thus,  allowing  70  years  for  the  common  age  of  man,  and 
00  pulses  in  a  minute  for  the  common  measure  of  pulses  in  a  tem- 
perate person,  the  number  ol 'pulsations  in  bis  whole  life  would 
amount  to  2,207,520,000;  but,  if  by  intemperance,  he  forces  his 
blood  iuto  a  more  rapid  motion,  so  as  to  give  75  pulses  in  a  min- 
ute, the  same  number  of  pulses  would  be  completed  in  50  years  ; 
conseouently,  his  life  would  be  reduced  14  years. 


5G 


THE   BOOK   OF 

WIT  AT  A  PINCH. 

'Twas  in  a  dark  December  night, 

When  all  was  cold  and  dreary, 
A  man  that  was  a  merry  wight, 
Did  spur  and  ride  with  all  his  might, 

To  gain  some  shelter  cheery. 

Across  a  common  wet  and  long, 

While  sleet  and  snow  were  dropping, 
With  chatt'ring  teeth  and  frozen  tongue 
He  jrollop'd  last,  and  smack'd  his  thong, 
Till  at  an  alehouse  stopping. 

'Twas  small  nnd  snug-,  and  with  his  eyes, 
Through  windows  eager  shining-, 

A  rousing,  crackling  fire  he  spies, 

And  table  of  inviting  size. 

Where  jovial  guests  were  dining. 

Down  drops  he  then,  from  oil'  his  horse, 

And,  all  ag-og-  to  enter, 
Unceremonious  takes  his  course, 
Seeking  his  hasty  way  to  force, 

E'en  to  the  kitchen's  centre. 

But  not  a  foot  of  room  was  there, 

The  guests  were  wedg'd  together; 
They  had  no  single  thought  to  spare, 
From  landlord's  fire  and  landlord's  fare 
i\ror  reck'd  they  now  the  weather. 

The  trav'ller  rueful  look'd  about  ; 

At  length  with  lungs  most  able, 
He  bids  Will  Ostler  carry  out, 
A  peck  of  oysters,  fresh  and  stout, 

To  Dobbin  in  the  stable. 

"A  peck  of  oysters!  oats,  good  heart!" 

Cries  Will,  with  peals  of  laughter ; 
"No!   oysters,  fellow !  quick,  depart !"— 

Out  runs  the  man — and  at  one  start 
The  whole  mob  rushes  after. 

All  mad  to  see  this  wondrous  steed, 

(By  serious  aspect  oheated) 
They  guess  him  of  some  monstrous  breed, 
Some  strange  Sea-horse  ;  while  now,  with  speed, 

The  traveller  gets  seated. 

Back  posts  the  ostler  ;  all  as  fleet, 
The  troop  of  fools  pursue  him  : 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 

"Lord,  sir  !"  says  Will,  "  I  never  see't 
Such  a  thing  ! — your  horse  won't  eat 
The  oysters  that  I  threw  him." 

"The deuce  lie  wont?— then,  faith,  I  must! 

So  plnce  me  here  a  table — 
And  bring  me  bread,  boili  crumb  and  crust, 
Pepper  and  vinegar  ;  and  I  trust 

That  I'm  both  glad  and  able." 


K 


7 


A  dabbler  in  literature  and  in  line  arts,  who  prided  himself  on 
his  knowledge  and  proper  use  of  the  English  language,  came  upon 
a  youngster  sitting  on  the  hank  of  a  mill-pond,  angling  for  gud- 
geons, and  thus  addressed  him: — "Adolescens,  art  thou  not  en- 
deavouring to  entice  the  finny  race  to  engulph  into  their  denticu- 
lated mouths  a  barbed  hook,  upon  whose  point  is  a  dainty  allure- 
ment?"—"No,''  said  the  boy,  " I'm  jishiri ." 


Not  many  months  ago,  a  "  Friend,"  who  rejoiced  in  the  name 
of  Comfort,  paid  his  devoirs  to  a  young  and  attractive  Quaker 

widow,  named  Rachael  H .     Either  her  griefs  were  too  new, 

or  her  lover  too  old  ;  or  from  some  other  cause,  his  offer  was  de- 
clined. Whereupon  a  Quaker  friend  remarked  that  it  was  the  first 
modern  instance  he  had  known,  where  "  Rachael  refused  to  be 
Comforted !"  This  anecdote  is  only  remarkable  as  being  the  first 
Quaker  pun  on  record  ;  "  Friends"  generally  lightly  regarding 
such  distortions  of  "plain  language." 

A  Good  Reason. — A  country  pedagogue  had  two  pupils,  to 
one  of  whom  he  was  partial,  and  to  the  other  severe.  One  morn- 
ing it  happened  that  these  two  boys  were  late,  and  were  called  up 
to  account  for  it.  "  You  must  have  heard  the  bell,  boys  ;  why  did 
you  not  come  ?" — "  Please,  sir,  said  the  favourite, "  I  was  a  dream- 
in?  that  1  was  goin'  to  Californy,  and  I  thought  the  school-bell 
was  the  steam-boat-bell,  as  1  was  goin'  in." — "Very  well,"  said 
the  master,  glad  of  any  pretext  to  excuse  his  favourite.  "  And 
now,  sir,"  turning  to  the  other,  "  what  have  you  to  say  ?" — "  Please, 
sir,"  said  the  puzzled  boy,  "  / — / — was  a  nailing  to  sve  Tom  of/'!" 


Bad  Times. — The  '  Wheeling  Times'  says : — "  The  times  are 
so  bad,  and  payments  so  rare,  that  the  girls  down  east  complain 
that  the  young  men  cannot  even  fay  their  addresses." 


58  TEE    BOOK    OF 

TIMING  IT. 

A  minister  in  the  Highlands  of  Scotland  found  one  of  his  par- 
ishonevs  intoxicated.  Next  day,  he  called  to  reprove  him  for  it. 
"  It  is  very  wrong  to  get  drunk,"  said  the  parson.  "  I  ken  that," 
said  the  guilty  person :  "  but  I  dinna  drink  as  meikle  as  you  do." 
"  Why,  sir,  how  is  that?"  "Why,  gin  it  please  ye,  dinna  ye  ay 
take  a  glass  o'  whisky  and  water  after  dinner?"  "Why,  yes, 
Jimmy,  I  take  a  glass  of  whiskey  and  water  after  dinner  merely 
to  aid  digestion."  "  And  dinna  ye  take  a  glass  o'  whiskey  toddy 
every  night  when  ye  are  goin  to  bed?"  "  Yes,  to  be  sure;  I  take 
a  little  toddy  every  night  to  help  me  to  sleep."  "  Well,"  continued 
the  parishioner,  "  that's  just  fourteen  glasses  a  week,  and  about 
sixty  every  month.  I  only  get  paid  once  a  month,  and  then,  if 
I'd  take  sixty  glasses,  it  wad  mak  me  deed  drunk  for  a  week. 
Now,  ye  see,  the  only  difference  is,  that  ye  time  it  better  than  I  do." 


PROVERBS. 
A  gossapin  woman  sends  t'moast  regs  tut  paper  mill. 
Shoe  a  jackass  we  gold,  after  all  il  kick  ye  if  he  can. 
Mucky  jobs  brings  clean  brass, 
lis  better  ta  be  kick't  we  a  camel  then  lick't  we  a  lion. 
A  public  hause  sign  iz  a  linger  board  to  a  jail  door. 
A  lazy  nun  keeps  hi/  wife  aght  at  shambles. 
To  keep  friends  we  relations,  live  at  a  distance. 
A  pratein  deist  iz  the  devil's  drummer. 
Druckan  husbands  hez  small  (ires  an  rusty  fryin-pans. 


AN  UNACCOUNTABLE  PIG. 

"  You  Socrates,"  said  .Mr.  Seth  Harris,  of  Poughkeepsie,  to  his 
coloured  fellow  the  other  day,  "You,  Socrates,  have  you  fed  the 
pigs?" — "  Yes  massa,  me  led  'urn,'  replied  Socrates.  "  Did  you 
count  them?" — "  Yes,  massa,  me  count 'um  all  but  one."  "All 
but  one?'' — "  Yes,  massa,  all  but  one,— dere  lie  one  little  speckle 
pig,  he  frisk  about  so  much  me  couldn't  count  him  .'" 


I\  all  societies  it  is  advisable  to  associate  if  possible  with  the 
1  test;  not  that  the  highest  are  always  the  best,  but,  because  if 
disgusted  there,  we  can  at  any  time  descend  ; — bul  il  we  begin  with 
the  lowest,  tn  a  icend  is  impossible.  In  the  grand  theatre  of  human 
life,  a  liox  ticket  takes  us  through  the  house. 


FUN  AM)  AMUSEMENT  59 

WHAT  MIGHT  BE  DONE 

What  nii^'ht  be  done  if  men  were  wise — 
What  glorious  deeds  my  suffering  brother ; 

Would  they  unite 

In  love  and  right, 
And  cea.se  their  scorn  of  one  another. 

Oppression's  heart  might  he  imbued 
With  kindling  drops  of  loving-kindness, 

And  knowledge  pour 

From  shore  to  shore — 
Light  on  the  eyes  of  mental  blindness. 

All  slavery,  warfare,  lies,  and  wrongs — 
All  vice  and  crime  might  die  together  ; 

And  wine  and  corn, 

To  each  man  born, 
Be  free  as  warmth  in  summer  weather. 

The  meanest  wretch  that  ever  trod, 
The  deepest  sunk  in  guilt  and  sorrow, 

Might  stand  erect, 

In  self-respect, 
And  share  the  teeming  world  to-morrow. 

What  might  be  done  ?     This  might  be  done, 
And  more  than  this,  my  sorrowing  brother — 

More  than  the  tongue 

Ever  said  or  sung, 
If  men  were  wise  and  loved  each  other. 


Swift,  in  passing  through  the  country  of  Cavan,  called  at  a 
homely,  hut  hospitable  house.  The  Lady  Bountiful  of  the  man- 
sion, rejoiced  to  have  so  distinguished  a  guest,  runs  up  to  him, 
and  with  great  eagerness,  asks  him,  what  he  will  have  for  dinner? 
"Will  you  have  an  apple  pie,  sir?  Will  you  have  a  gooseberry 
pie,  sir  ?  Will  you  have  a  cherry  pie,  sir  ?  Will  you  have  a  cur- 
rant pie,  sir?  Will  you  have  a  pigeon  pie,  sir?'  "Any  pie, 
Madam,  but  a  Mag  pie." 


A  Grand  Announcement.— A  person  at  Keswick,  wanting  to 
dispose  of  some  bees,  to  attract  purchasers,  printed  the  following 
placard  : — "  Extensive  sale  of  live  stock,  comprising  not  less  than 
one  hundred  and  forty  thousand  head,  with  an  unlimited  right  of 
pasturage.''  The  ingenious  trick  succeeded  to  admiration,  lor  his 
"stock"  brought  high  prices. 


60 


THE    BOOK   OP 


Doctor  Mountain,  whose  wit  pleased  on  all  occasions,  being 
at  Court  with  George  II,  who  liked  his  company  on  that  account, 
news  was  brought  to  the  King  of  a  vacant  bishopric.  "  I  know 
not,"  said  his  Majesty,  "at  present  to  whom  I  shall  give  it."  Dr. 
Mountain  instantly  ruse,  and  putting  his  hand  upon  his  breast, 
said:  "If  thou  had'st  faith  as  a  grain  of  mustard  seed,  thou 
would'st  say  to  this  Mountain,  'be  thou  revnoved  and  cast  into  the 
sea.' — (see.)"  


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE2 

~  (,  a.lBp    p[nOAl    Ol[Ai     J3JIA1   «    10}   HO\    9>[«.L 

J.        8?B[  oo?  si  ?t  't-iiS  P1o  ;  sbiv    -iron  «_  2 

m    S.    TJ  \W3ds  B   0}   Sutipui.vp  9JB  S.VBp    &  £  "n 

A  PUZZLE  _=    I  "^  a 

FOE  AN     O     *  -3  2 

OLD  MAID.  c  "<d    liS 

S    o     Q 

§  ^   E  Pity  the  sorrows  of  a  poor  old  °  =F 

who  ne'er  has  laid,  In  love's  sweet        g, 
to  find  a  mate.     Ah!    Wedlock's  joys 
cat,  And  feed  your  dog,  and  make  it  fat ! 


c^ 


V? 


A  STRAY  ADVERTISEMENT. 


Wanted,  a  Aa«f/  to  hold  my  own,  as  down  Life's  vale  I  glide  ; 
Wanted,  an  arm  to  lean  upon,  for  ever  by  my  side. 
Wanted,  a  firm  and  steady  foot,  with  step  secure  and  free, 
To  take  its  straight  and  onward  pace,  over  Life's  path  with  me. 

Wanted,  Siform  erect  and  high  ;   a  head  above  my  own 
^o  much  iliaf  1  might  walk  beneath  its  shadow  o'er  me  thrown. 
Wanted,  <m  eye,  within  whose  depth  mine  own  might  look  and  see 
I  prisings  from  a  guileless  heart,  o'erflown  with  love  for  me. 

Wanted,  a  lip,  whose  kindest  smile  would  speak  for  me  alone; 
A  voice,  Whose  richest  melody  would  breathe  atlcctiou's  tune. 

Wanted,  a  true  religious  soul,  to  pious  purpose  given, 

With  whom  mine  own  might  puss  along  the  road  that  leads  to  Heaven. 


Home  again. — The  man  who  was  earned  away  by  his  feelings 
litis  returned  stile. 


EUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  61 

HOG  AND  BACON. 

About  some  eighty  or  ninety  years  ago, 
(It  may  be  more  for  what  I  know) 
A  man  to  Newgate  safe  was  sent, 
A  place  where  folks  too  late  repent. 
His  crime  was  theft,  so  'tis  reported, 
For  which  he  might  be  hung — 
Or,  perhaps,  transported. 

In  great  suspense  he  did  his  trial  wait, 
Anxious  to  know  whate'er  might  be  his  fate, 
The  dreaded  hour  at  length  drew  near, 
His  case  to  all  appeared  quite  clear  ; 
He's  g-uilty  found  without  delay, 
And  to  the  laws  his  life  must  pay. 

"  Hold  !  hold,  my  lord !"  the  pris'ner  then  did  cry, 

"  Must  your  relation  on  the  scaffold  die  ?" 

"  Mine  !"  replied  the  judge,  "  fellow,  you  lie!" 

"No,  no,  my  lord,  I  cannot  be  mistaken — 

My  name  is'lIOGG,  yours,  sir,  is  BACON  !" 

"  Right,"  said  the  judge,  and  then  his  head  he  swung, 
But  HOG  is  BACON  not  until  its  HUNG; 
Therefore,  until  you  HANG  the  usual  time— 
You  no  relation,  sir,  can  be  of  mine  I" 


THE  ROAD  TO  GLORY. 

The  road  to  glory,  would  cease  to  he  arduous,  if  it  were  true 
and  trodden  ;  and  great  minds  must  he  ready  not  only  to  take  op- 
portunities, but  to  make  them.  Alexander  dragged  the  Pythian 
priestess  to  the  temple,  on  a  forbidden  day — She  exclaimed,  "My 
son,  thou  art  invincible,"  which  was  oracle  enough  for  him.  On 
a  second  occasion,  he  cut  the  Gordian  knot  which  others  had  iu 
vain  attempted  to  untie.  Those  who  start  for  human  glory  like 
the  mettled  hounds  of  Actaeon,  must  pursue  the  game  not  only 
where  there  is  a  path,  but  where  there  is  none.  They  must  be 
able  to  simulate  and  dissimulate,  to  leap  and  to  creep  ;  to  conquer 
the  earth  like  Caesar,  or  to  fall  down  and  kiss  it  like  Brutus  ;  to 
throw  their  sword  like  Brennus  into  the  trembling  scale  ;  or,  like 
Nelson,  to  snatch  the  laurels  from  the  doubtful  hand  of  victory, 
while  she  is  hesitating  where  to  bestow  them.  That  policy  that 
can  strike  only  while  the  iron  is  hot,  will  be  overcome  by  that  per- 
severance, which,  like  Cromwell's,  can  make  the  iron  hot  by  strik- 
ing ;  and  he  that  can  only  rule  the  storm,  must  yield  to  him  who 
can  both  raise  and  rule  it. 


62  THE   BOOK   OF 

SAM  SLICK  HOOKING  LUCY'S  GOWN. 

"Well,  just  as  I  was  ready  to  start  away,  down  comes  Lucy  to 
the  keepin'  room,  with  both  arras  behind  her  head  a  fixiit'  of  the 
hooks  and  eyes.  '  Man  alive,'  sais  she,  'are  you  here  yet,  I  thought 
you  was  off  gunnin'  an  hour  ago  ;  who'd  a  thought  you  was  here  ?' 
•  Gunnin'  ?'  says  I, '  Lucy,  my  gunnin'  is  over,  I  shan't  go  no 
more  now,  I  shall  go  home  ;  I  agree  with  you  ;  shiverin'  alone  un- 
der a  wet  bush  for  hours  is  no  fun  ;  but  if  Lucy  wos  there' — '  Get 
out,'  sais  she  '  don't  talk  nonsense,  Sam,  and  just  fasten  the  other 
hook  and  eye  of  my  frock,  will  you?"  She  turned  round  her  back 
to  me.  Well,  I  took  the  hook  in  one  hand  and  the  eye  in  the  other; 
but  arth  and  seas !  my  eyes  fairly  snapped  again;  1  never  see 
such  a  neck  since  I  was  raised.  It  sprung  right  out  of  the  breast 
and  shoulder,  full  round,  and  then  tapered  up  to  the  head  like  a 
swan's,  and  the  complexion  would  beat  the  most  delicate  white 
and  red  rose  that  ever  was  seen.  Lick,  it  made  me  all  eyes !"  I 
jist  stood  stock  still,  I  couldn't  move  a  linger  if  I  was  to  die  fur  it. 
'  What  ails  you,  Sam,'  sais  she,  '  that  you  don't  hook  it?'  '  Why,' 
sais  I,  '  Lucy  dear,  my  lingers  is  all  thumbs,  that's  a  fact,  I  cant' 
handle  such  little  things  as  fast  as  you  can.'  '  Well,  come,'  sais 
she,  'make  haste,  that's  a  dear,  mother  will  be  a  comin'  directly  :' 
and  at  last  I  shut  too  both  my  eyes,  and  fastened  it:  and  when  I 
had  done,  sais  I,  '  There  is  one  thing,  I  must  say,  Lucy.'  '  What's 
that?'  sais  she.  •  That  you  may  stump  all  Connecticut  to  show 
such  an  angeliforous  neck  as  you  have — I  never  saw  the  beat  of 

it  in  all  my  born  days — it's  the  most '  '  And  you  may  stump 

the  State  too,'  sais  she,  '  to  produce  such  another  bold,  forrard,  im- 
pellent, onmannerly  tongue  as  you  have — so  there  now — so  get 
alonjr  with  you.' " 


Materials  for  a  Honeymoon.— Married,  lately,  Mr.  James 
Bee  to  Martha  Ann  Flower. 

Well  bath  this  little  busy  "Bee" 
Improved  Life's  shining  hour; 
He  gathers  homy  now  ;ill  day, 

From  one  Bweef  chosen  "  Flower;" 
And  from  this  hive,  if  Heaven  please, 
He'll  raise  a  swarm  of  little  "  Bees." 


A.  disappointed  old  bachelor  says,  "it  makes  little  difference 
whether  a  man  commits  suicide  or  matrimony,  in  one  case  lie 
1  «i  9  his  life,  an  1  in  the  other  his  influence.'' 


VVK    AN!)    AMUSEMENT.  03 

Mrs.  Partington  in  Ill-Health.—"  La,  me  !''  sighed  Mrs. 
Partington,  "here  have  I  been  sufferin'  the  begamics  of  death  for 
three  mortal  weeks.  Fust,  I  was  seized  with  a  painful  phrenology 
in  the  left  Hampshire  of  the  brain,  which  was  exceeded  by  a  stop- 
page of  the  left  ventilator  of  the  heart.  This  gave  me  an  infla- 
ination  in  the  borax,  and  now  I'm  sick  with  the  chloroform  mor- 
bus. There  is  no  blessin'  like  that  of  health,  particularly  when 
you're  sick." 


DOWN  EAST  COURTING  SCENE. 

"  Jonathan,  do  you  love  boiled  beef  and  dumplings  ?  " — "  Darned 
if  I  don't,  Sooke,  but  a  hot  dunpliu'  ain't  nothin'  to  your  sweet, 
tarnaJ  nice  red  lips,  Sook." — "  Oh  lor,  Jonathan,  do  hush. — Jon- 
athan, diil  you  read  that  story  about  a  man  being  hugged  to  death 
by  a  bear?  "-»-"  Guess  I  did,  Sookey,  and  it  made  me  feel  allover- 
ish." — "  How  did  you  feel,  Jonathan  V — "  Kinder  sorter  as  if  I'd 
like  to  hug  you  e'en  amost  to  death  too,  you  tarnal  nice,  plump, 
elegant  little  critter,  you." — "  O  lor,  now  go  away,  Jonathan." — 
"  Ah,  Sookey,  you  are  such  a  slick  gal." — "  Lor,  ain't  you  ashamed, 
Jonathan  ?" — "  I  wish  I  was  a  nice  little  ribbon,  Sook." — "  What 
for?" — "Cos  maybe  you'd  tie  me  round  that  ere  nice  little  neck  of 
your'n — and  I  should  like  to  be  tied  there,  darned  if  I  shouldn't." — 
"  O  lor!  there  comes  mother,  Jonathan — run." 


Woman's  Will. — Dip  the  Atlantic  ocean  dry  with  a  tea  spoon  ; 
twist  your  heel  into  the  toe  of  your  boot;  make  postmasters  per- 
form their  promises,  and  subscribers  pay  the  printer  ;  send  up  fish- 
ing hooks  with  balloons  and  iish  for  stars ;  get  astride  a  gossamer 
and  chase  a  comet ;  when  the  rain  is  coming  down  like  the  cataract 
of  Niagara,  remember  where  you  left  your  umbrella  ;  choke  a  mus- 
quito  with  a  brick  bat ;  in  short,  prove  all  things  hitherto  considered 
impossible  to  be  possible,  but  never  attempt  to  coax  a  woman  to 
say  she  will,  when  she  has  made  up  her  mind  to  say  she  won't. 


When  Dr.  Johnson  courted  Mrs.  Potter,  whom  he  afterwards 
married,  he  told  her  he  was  of  mean  extraction,  that  he  had  no 
money,  that  he  had  an  uncle  hanged.  The  lady,  by  way  ol'  redu- 
cing herself  to  an  equality  with  the  doctor,  replied,  that  she  had 
no  more  money  than  himself,  and  that,  though  she  had  not  had  a 
relation  hanged,  she  had  fifty  who  deserved  hanging.  And  thus 
was  accomplished  this  very  curious  affair. 


54  THE   BOOK  OF 

The  Wits  Outwitted.— A  party  of  wits  once  stopped  at  a 
tavern.  When  the  feast  was  over,  one  of  the  number  called 
in  the  hostess.  " Angelique,"  he  said,  "I  am  going  to  give 
you  a  lesson  in  astronomy.  Have  you  not  heard  of  that  great 
Platonic  year,  when  everything  must  return  to  its  first  con- 
dition ?  Know  then  that,  in  sixteen  thousand  years,  we  shall 
be  here  again,  on  the  same  day,  and  at  the  same  hour.  "Will 
you  give  us  credit  till  then  ?"  The  hostess,  however,  had  her 
reply.  "  I  am  perfectly  willing,"  she  retorted,  "  but  it  is  just 
sixteen  thousand  j-ears  since  you  were  here  before,  and  you 
left  without  paying :  settle  the  old  score,  and  I  will  trust  you 
on  the  new/' 


Said  a  gentleman  the  other  day  to  a  servant  at  the  hotel 
where  he  was  stopping — "  Bless  my  soul.  Sambo,  how  black 
you  are ;  how  in  the  name  of  wonder  did  you  get  so  black  ?" 
"  Why,  look'a  here,  massa,  de  reason  am  dis— de  day  dis  child 
was  born  dere  was  an  eclipse."  Ebony  received  a  shilling  for 
his  satisfactory  explanation,  and  after  grinning  thanks,  con- 
tinued: "I  tell  you  what  it  is,  massa,  dis  nigger  may  be 
black,  but  he  ain't  green,  no  how." 


A  gentleman  travelling  in  the  West  saw  a  very  old  man 
sitting  at  the  door  of  a  log  cabin  weeping  bitterly.  "  My 
friend,"  inquired  the  gentleman,  "what  is  the  matter  with 
you?"  "Why,"  replied  the  old  man,  "daddy  jist  gave  me 
an  awful  licking  'cause  I  wouldn't  rock  grand-daddy  to  sleep!'' 
The  gentleman  rode  off,  fully  satisfied  with  the  salubrity  and 
healthiness  of  the  West,  to  produce  such  unparalleled 
instances  of  longevity. 


A  Miracle. — An  Irish  priest  having  preached  a  sermon  on 
miracles,  was  asked  by  one  of  his  congregation,  walking 
homeward,  to  explain  a  little  more  lucidly  what  a  miracle 
meant.  "  Is  it  a  miracle  you  want  to  understand P"  said  the 
priest.  "  Walk  on  then  there  forninst  me,  and  I'll  think  now 
I  can  explain  it  to  you."  The  mau  walked  on,  and  the  | 
came  behind  him  and  gave  him  a  tremendous  kick.  "  I 
roared  the  Mill'erer;  "why  did  you  do  1h.1l?''  "Did  you 
feel  it  ?"  said  the  priest.  "To  be  sure  1  did."  replied  the 
unhappy  disciple.  "Well  then,  remember  this; — it  would 
have  been  a  "  miracle"  if  you  had  uot." 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  65 

Delicious. — To  have  a  pretty  girl  open  the  front  door,  and 
mistake  you  for  her  cousin. 

More  Delicious. — To  have  her  remain  deceived  till  she  has  kis- 
sed you  twice,  and  hugged  the  buttons  off  your  coat,  exclaiming, 
"Ma,  here's  Chawles.'' 

Most  Delicious. — To  favour  the  mistake  until  the  young  lady 
discovers  it  herself,  and  have  a  big  brother  come  along  the  entry, 
catch  you  by  the  collar,  half  shake  your  life  out  of  you,  and  ask 
you  what  you  are  doing  to  his  sister,  with  an  agreeable  hint  at  im- 
mediate satisfaction. 


OLD  MAIDS  PORTRAYED. 

"Be  fruitful  and  multiply,  and  replenish  the  earth." — Anti-Multhua, 

chap  i.  verse  28. 
"Humble  wedlock  is  better  than  proud  virginity."     "The   Grecian 
ladies  counted  their  age  from  their  marriage,  not  from  their  birth." 

"  An  opportunity  once  lost,  may  be  lost  for  ever.'' — Proverb  from  the 
Land  of  Uz. 

HEK  THERMOMETER. 

AGE. 

15.  Begins  to  realize  different  sensations  from  heretofore — the  awaken- 
ing- of  the  tender  passion. 

1G.  Now  fully  comprehends  the  design  of  the  other  sex  having  been 
created.     Feels  greatly  interested  therein. 

17.  Influenced  by  the  attentions  of  the  other  sex,  and  not  at  all  back- 

ward to  associate  in  parties  where  they  preponderate. 

18.  Fancies  herself  to  be  attractive  to  a  handsome  young  man,  feels 

love  for  him,  and  becomes  rather  restless.     Sentimental  poetry 
now  very  agreeable, 

19.  Talks  of  love  in  a  cottage,  and  disinterested  affection.     Speculates 

on  what  must  be  the  sensation  in  realizing  the  maternal  affections. 
Begins  to  write  love  verses. 

20.  Feels  a  little  important  in  consequence  of  being  noticed  by  the 

other  sex.     Studies  dress  and  etiquette  to  render  her  still  more 
engaging. 

21.  A  still  greater  confidence  in  her  own  attractions,  and  expects  to 

form  a  splendid  connexion.     Treats  men  in  ordinary   life  with 
disdain. 

22.  Receives  a  good  offer.     Confers  with  her  maiden  Aunt,  who  says, 

"Reject  him,  for  he  is  not  a  man  of  fashion  ;"    she  acts  accord- 
ingly- 

23.  Becomes  so  eager  after  conjugal  sweets,  that  she  flirts  with  the 

other  sex  rather  indiscriminately. 

E 


66  THE   BOOK   OF 

24.  Wonders  she  is  not  married.     Others,  possessing-  far  inferior  quali- 

ties, pass  off  readily.  Thinks  it  must  be  for  want  of  discrimina- 
tion on  the  female  part,  and  great  indifference  to  quality  on  the 
male  part.     At  any  rate,  much  irritated  about  it. 

25.  Receives  an  offer  from  an  industrious,  handsome  artizan.     Feels 

indignant.  Wonders  the  underling-  should  dare  to  look  so  high, 
and  resolves  she  will  never  look  so  low.  Treats  his  application 
with  silent  contempt. 

26.  Convinced  she  must  be  more  circumspect ;    and  becomes  so  from 

mere  policy.  Begins  to  think  a  larg-e  fortune  not  so  indispensa- 
ble.     Now  prefers  the  company  of  rational   men  to  flirting". 

27.  Receives  an  offer  from  a  man  of  wealth,  but  not  handsome.  Refers 

the  matter  to  Miss  Tabby,  her  maiden  Aunt.  She  says,  "Reject 
him,  and  let  not  beauty,  by  a  golden  link,  be  associated  with 
ugliness  and  deformity."  She  hesitates,  but  at  length  sends 
him,  "No." 

28.  Wishes  to  be  married  in  a  quiet  way,  with  a  comfortable  home. 

Strongly  tempted  to  comply  with  the  offer  of  a  handsome  man, 
a  widower,  with  three  children.  Aunt  Tabby  again  interferes 
and  forbids  it. 

29.  Tempted  to  despair  of  ever  entering  the  married  state,  but  not 

willing  to  give  up  the  attempt. 

30.  Rather  fearful  of  being  eventually  called  an   Old  Maid,  having 

always  regarded  their  ladyships  with  indescribable  horror. 

31.  Pays  more  attention  than  ever  to  the  monthly  Magazine  of  Fasbion, 

in  order,  by  means  of  dress,  to  make  an  impression. 

32.  At  halls  can  obtain  none  for  partners  but  widowers,  and  aged 

gentlemen.     Begins  to  dislike  balls  on  that  account. 

33.  Wonders  how  men  can  leave  the  society  of  sensible  women  to  flirt 

with  chits. 

34.  Gradually  becoming  irritable,  but  affects  good  humour  in  her  con- 

versation with  men. 

35.  Envies  the  praises  bestowed  on  some  of  her  sex.    A  tempting  offer 

from  a  young  man  of  18.  Old  Aunty  inquires  what  she  wants 
to  do  with  a  child ;  consequently  the  oiler  lulls  to  the  ground. 

36.  Quarrels  with  her  dear  friend  lately  married  well.     Speaks  of  the 

connection  disparagingly. 

37.  Constantly  sighing.    Almost  in  despair,  thinking  herself  Blighted 

in  society.  The  servant  man  becomes  kind  and  obliging  to  her. 
She  suspects  his  design ;  frowns  upon  hint,  and  procures  his 
dismissal. 

88.  Delights  to  talk  about  her  acquaintances  who  are  married  uncom- 
fortably. Affects  to  praise  single-blessedness.  What  troubles 
tve  escape  ! 

39.  Ill  nature  on  the  increase.     Her  peevishness  renders  her  disagi 
able  to  her  immediate  associates.     Called  an  old  maid  lor  the 
first  time,  which  marly  breaks  her  heart. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  67 

40.  The  tender  passion  reviving:,  lias  recourse  to  every  improvement 

in  dress,  and  that  important  appendage,  the  bussel.     The  chin, 
however,  rather  furzy ;  compelled  to  use  the  tweezers  occasionally. 

41.  If  rich,  as  a  dernier  resort,  makes  love  to  a  young  man  not  rich  ; 

or  if  not  rich,  is  not  reluctant  to  nurse  an  old  man. 

42.  Not  succeeding  in  her  wish,  she  rails  against  mankind,  and  talks 

of  marriage  as  vanity. 

43.  Very  meddling;  and  officious.     Partiality  for  gossiping;  and  scan- 

dal commences. 

44.  Gives  vexation  to  all  around  her,  being  extremely  fastidious.    Her 

company  often  shunned,  on  account  of  the  acids  of  her  temper. 

45.  The    tend(  r    passion  again    revives. — Strong;  predilections  for  a 

Methodist  parson.     Advances  are  made  accordingly. 
4G.  Enraged  at  his  desertion,  and  denounces  his  reverence  as  a  hypo- 
crite disguised  in  parsonic  attire. 

47.  Becomes  desponding.     Cannot  bear  to  think  of  "All's  lost  now  !" 

Commences  taking- snuff,  and  occasionally  "daffy,"  as  a  "Re- 
divivus." 

48.  Turns  all  her  sensibility  to  cats  and  dogs,  of  which  she  has  become 

extremely  fond. 

49.  Adopts  a  dependant  relative  to  attend  her  feline  and  canine  race. 

50.  Becomes  disgusted  with  the  world,  and  vents  all  her  ill  humour 

on  her  unfortunate  relative. 

%*  And  then  she  ends  her  eccentric  race, 
With  disappointment  upon  her  face  ; 
Excusing  herself,  when  she's  to  blame, 
For  never  having  changed  her  name! 

HER  FORTRAIT. 

Let  Naturalists  say  what  they  will  of  our  tribe, 

There's  one  sort  of  beings  the  Muse  must  describe, 

Whose  habits  and  manners  eccentric  and  queer, 

To  a  sensible  mind  must  ever  appear  : — 

A  queer  sort  of  creature,  indeed,  they  all  are, 

And  oft  may  be  seen  in  a  fancy  bazaar, 

In  search  of  some  toy  to  divert  their  attention, 

From  sad  disappointment  of  late  intervention. 

In  youth  they  are  whimsical,  haughty,  and  scornful, 

And  as  they  grow  old,  become  peevish  and  mournful. 

Their  life  from  beginning  to  end,  you  will  find, 

Resembles  the  weathercock  turn'd  by  the  wind. 

When  gents  their  addresses  would  pay  to  these  things, 

With  scissors  of  scorn  they  clip  Cupid  his  wings; 

Though  sometimes  are  known  to  be  under  his  smart, 

With  one  of  his  arrows  stuck  fast  in  their  heart ; 

But  fill'd  with  conceit,  independence,  and  pride, 

They  jeer,  and  they  sneer,  and  their  suitors  deride  ; 


68  the  book  or 

And  when  they  might  get  a  good  husband,  despise, 

A  man  perhaps  just  for  the  cast  of  his  eyes. 

Musing,  excusing,  refusing,  abusing, — 

To  see  their  grimaces  is  really  amusing  ; 

They  spring,  and  they  swing,  and  they  sing  as  if  young, 

And  talk  so  precise  with  their  delicate  tongue. 

They  stare,  and  they  flare,  and  declare  they  are  fair, 

They  comb  and  they  curl,  and  they  perfume  their  hair. 

They  clatter,  and  chatter,  and  flatter  and  fly, 

They  shrink,  and  they  blink,  and  they  wink  with  their  eey 

Scouting,  and  flouting,  and  pouting, 
Fiddling,  and  diddling,  and  riddling, 
Hoaxing  and  coaxing,  entreating  and  greeting, 
Striving,  conniving,  contriving,  and  meeting, 
Fluttering,  and  stuttering,  and  muttering, 
Scraping,  and  aping,  and  shaping. 

They  cringe  and  infringe  on  the  good  laws  of  nature, 
By  stretching  their  bodies  to  make  themselves  greater  ; 
To  make  themselves  tidy  and  small  in  their  waist, 
They  dress  with  much  taste,  and  are  lac'd  and  encas'd 
In  very  tight  stays,  and  their  ways  would  amaze 
The  wisest  of  men, — but  they  forfeit  their  praise  ! 
Their  actions  are  fractions  of  loving  attractions, 
But  never  amounting  to  marriage  contractions. 
They  fret  and  are  wet  with  their  tears  of  regret, 
And  wish  that  they  never  had  acted  the  pet, 
Their  shyness,  and  dryness,  and  highness  with  men, 
They  now  are  repenting.     Alas  !  and  what  then  ? 
They  sigh  for  the  days  that  will  never  return, 
For  the  bright  flame  of  love  has  now  ceased  to  burn  ! 

Then  when  the  Stingy  maid  grows  old, 
And  giddy  youth  is  past  ; 

Wheafijlif  years  their  tale  have  told, 
She  then  repents  at  last ! 

When  she  becomes  an  odd  old  woman, 

And  finds  a  warming  friend  in  no  man, 

She's  rickety,  gouty,  and  rheumy,  now  see  ! 

Loves  bed,  and  herself,  and  her  tattle,  and  tea. 

A  Lap-dog  she  gets,  her  odd  fancy  to  pli  ase, 

And  feeds  it,  and  leads  it,  anil  keeps  it  at  ease, 

And  a  nice  tabby  cat  with  a  collar  oi  red, 

To  eat  at  her  table,  and  sleep  on  her  bed. 

She  rails  at  the  males,  and  knows  no)  what  she  ails, 

Groping,  and  moping,  and  telling  her  tales! 

Cramping  and  stamping,  and  hating  mankind, 
Howling,  and  growling,  and  SOOWling,  half-blind 
She's  imiffy,  and  fuffy,  and  snuffy,  and  gruffy, 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  69 

Hutchy,  and  crutchy,  and  stupid ,  and  touchy. 

The  dame  has  her  name,  the  same  as  it  came, 

Unalter'd  by  wedlock,  unheeded  by  fame ! 

And  now  she  pets  old,  her  infirmities  prow, 

And  her  hair  changes  fast  to  the  cast  of  the  snow. 

'Tis  pain  to  remain, — 'tis  in  vain  to  complain, 

Or  wish  for  her  time  to  spend  over  again. 

Despairing,  and  caring,  and  sharing  the  fate, 

Which  falls  to  old  maids  that  have  never  a  mate. 

She  sighs,  and  she  cries,  with  her  spectacled  eyes  ; 

In  anguish  to  languish — and  then  when  she  dies, 

Sad  groans,  and  deep  moans,  and  old  bones,  and  cold  stones, 

Terminate  the  old  maid  with  her  sorrowful  tones  ! 

Nobody  mourns  her,  and  nobody  sighs, 

Nobody  pities  her,  nobody  cries, 

For  nobody  grieves  when  an  old  maid  dies. 

Now,  ladies,  believe  me,  for  this  is  the  life, 
That  is  led  by  a  maid  who  is  never  a  wife. 
And  this  is  the  state  she  is  found  in  at  last, 
When  her  gloomy  and  whimsical  life  is  past. 
Population  for  years  has  been  known  to  augment, 
Three  she's  to  two  he's! — all  the  she's  must  lament  !-- 
Thow  off  your  odd  whims,  ere  your  beauty  shall  fade, 
And  tremble  to  think  you  may  die  an  OLD  MAID  ! 


^  ^.^      V  J   ^y  N.  . 


"  If  there  is  anybody  under  the  canister  of  heaven  that  I  have 
in  utter  excresence,"  says  Mrs.  Partington,  "it  is  a  tale-bearer  and 
slanderer,  going  about  like  a  vile  boa  constructor,  circulating  his 
camomile  about  honest  folks.  I  always  know  one  by  his  phisma- 
hogony.  It  seems  as  if  Belzabob  had  stamped  him  with  his  pri- 
vate signal,  and  every  thing  he  looks  at  appears  to  turn  yaller." 
And  having  uttered  this  somewhat  elaborate  speech,  she  was  seized 
with  a  violent  fit  of  coughing,  and  called  for  some  demulcent  drops. 


A  young  man  said  recently,  in  rather  a  pert  way  to  the  Rev. 
Dr.  C,  "  Dr.  what  is  the  difference  between  this  pussyism  they 
talk  so  much  about,  and  puppyism  ?"— "  Puppyism,"  replied  the 
Doctor,  "is  founded  on  dogmatism,  and  pussyism  on  the  catechism." 

A  rapid  and  emphatic  recital  of  the  following  simple  narrative 
is  an  infallible  cure  for  lisping:— "  Hobbs  meets  Snobbs  and 
Nobbs:  Hobbs  bobs  to  Snobbs  and  Nobbs;  Hobbs  nobs  with 
Snobbs  and  robs  Nobbs'  fobs.  '  This  is,'  says  Nobbs,  '  the  worst 
of  Hobbs' jobs,'  and  Snobbs  sob*." 


70  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  Fool's  Decision —A  poor  beggar  in  Paris  being  very 
hungry,  stayed  so  long  in  a  cook's  shop  that  his  stomach  was 
satisfied  with  only  the  smell  thereof.  The  choleric,  covetous 
cook  demanded  of  him  to  pay  for  his  breakfast.  The  poor  man 
denied  it,  and  it  was  referred  to  the  decision  of  the  next  man 
that  should  pass  by,  who  chanced  to  be  a  most  notorious 
idiot.  He  determined  that  the  poor  man's  money  should 
be  put  betwixt  empty  dishes,  and  the  cook  be  recompensed 
by  its  jingling,  as  he  was  satisfied  with  only  the  smell  of  the 
cook's  meat. — Fuller. 


"  Say,  nigga,  cum  and  hab  de  pleasure  ob  a  dinin'  wid  your  mos 
humble  serpent,  wont  you,  heh  ?" — "  Wy,  look  here,  Sam — I'se  not 
particularly  in  my  sosiashuns;  but  I  wish  to  know  fus  before  I  vail 
myself  ob  your  perlite  imptimashun,  whar  you  hab  your  lodgjins?" 
— "  No  difference,  nigga,  whar  I  lodge.  I  don't  ax  you  to  sleep  wid 
me — but  only  to  eat  dinner  in  a  greeable  sociability. 


A  FllZZled  Irishman. — Mr.  0'  Flaherty  undertook  to  tell  how 
many  were  at  a  party: — "  The  two  Grogans  was  one,  meself  was 
two,  Mike  Finn  was  three,  and — and — who  the  mischief  was  the 
fourth?  Let  me  see,"  counting  his  fingers,  "  The  two  Grogans  was 
one,  Mike  Finn  was  two,  meself  was  three,  and — be  dad  !  there  was 
four  of  us  ;  but  St.  Patrick  couldn't  tell  the  name  of  the  other.  Now, 
it's  meself  that  has  it.  Mike  Finn  was  one,  the  two  Grogans  was 
two,  meself  was  three,  and — and — be  the  powers,  I  think  there  was 
but  three  of  us,  after  all." 

A  SHARP  CUT. 

A  shrewd  son  of  the  soil  was  once  sent  to  the  house  of  a 
Yorkshire  farmer  on  his  master's  business,  and,  as  the  good 
old  custom  goes  there,  he  had  a  hearty  drinking  set  before 
him ;  but  still  one  part  of  the  refreshment  was  a  puzzle  for 
Luke,  being  different  from  any  thing  that  he  had  ever  seen 
before,  viz.,  a  whole  Hutch  cheese.  How  to  begin  of  it  Luke 
was  at  no  small  loss  to  imagine.  The  master,  however,  pop- 
ping in  just  al  the  moment,  Luke,  in  a  tone  of  apparent  sim- 
plicity,  said  '  It's  varry  Like  a  fooit-ball,  this,  maister:  where- 
ivver  am  e  ta  cut  it?'  'Cut it  1  why,'  exclaimed  the  farmer 
in  the  midst  of  a  hearty  crack  of  laughter,  'out  it  where  you 
like,  my  man.'    •  Wha,  then,  responded  Luke,  with  a  smile, 

and  popping  tl heese  under  bis  left  arm,  a'lewfit  at  hoame, 

if  yo  nleaze,  maister' 


FUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  71 

"Timothy  Maguire,"  said  Patrick,  "now  ye  say  that  coat 
belongs  to  yerself  intirely  ;  1  say  it  is  me  own.  Now,  mind  ye, 
Timothy,  the  both  iv  us  will  take  the  coat  an'  look  it  all  over  ;  the 
man  that  finds  his  name  on  it  shall  be  the  owner.  Will  ye  stick 
to  that  bargain  ?"  asked  Patrick.  "  To  be  sure,"  said  Timothy, 
to  whom  the  coat  was  given,  and  who  vainly  searched  every  part 
for  his  name,  and  then  it  passed  over  to  Patrick,  boastingly  saying ; 
"And  now  lit  us  see  if  you  can  be  findin'  the  likes  iv  yer  own 
name  upon  the  garment.''  "  Do  ye  agree  to  that  ?  said  Patrick, 
eagerly  grasping  the  coat.  "  Upon  the  honour  iv  a  man,"  was 
Timothy's  reply.  "  Then  howld  on  a  bit,''  said  Patrick,  as  he 
drew  his  knife  and  opened  a  corner  in  the  collar,  and  taking  there- 
from two  very  small  peas,  he  exclaimed,  as  he  held  them  out  in 
his  hand:  "  There,  d'ye  see  that?'  "Yes;  but  what  is  that?" 
said  Timothy.  "  A  mighty  dale  it  has  to  do  wid  it ;  it  is  me  name 
to  be  sure — pea  for  Patrick,  and  pea  for  Power  be  jabes !"  So  Pat- 
rick got  the  coat. 


Dean  Swift's  barber  one  day  told  him  that  he  had  taken  a  pub- 
lic-house. '  And  what's  your  sign  ?'  said  the  dean.  '  Oh,  the  pole 
and  basin  ;  and  if  your  worship  would  just  write  me  a  few  lines  to 
put  upon  it,  by  way  of  motto,  I  have  no  doubt  but  it  would  bring 
me  plenty  of  customers.'  The  dean  took  out  his  pencil  and  wrote 
me  following  couplet,  which  long  graced  the  barber's  sign  : 

"  Rave  not  from  pole  to  pole,  but  step  in  here, 
Where  nought  excels  the  shavin<r  but  the  beer." 


Matrimony  and  Friendship. — The  natur  of  matrimony  is 
one  thing,  and  the  natur  of  friendship  is  another.  A  tall  man 
likes  a  short  wife ;  a  great  talker  likes  a  silent  woman — for  both 
can't  talk  at  once.  A  gay  man  likes  a  domestic  gal — for  be  can 
leave  her  at  home  to  nuss  children  and  make  pap,  while  he  is 
enjoyin'  himself  at  parties.  A  man  that  ain't  any  music  in  him, 
likes  it  in  his  spouse,  and  so  on.  It  chimes  beautiful,  for  they 
aint  in  each  other's  way.  Now,  friendship  is  the  other  way  -,  you 
must  like  the  same  things,  to  like  each  other  and  be  friends.  A 
similarity  of  tastes,  studies,  pursuits,  and  recreations  (what  they 
call  congenial  souls) ;  a  toper  for  a  toper,  a  smoker  for  a  smoker, 
a  horse-racer  for  a  horse-racer,  a  prize-fighter  for  a  prize-fighter 
— and  so  on.  Matrimony  likes  contrasts;  friendship  seeks  its 
own  counterparts. 


72 


THE   BOOK   OF 

THE  CAT-EATER. 

Tho'  facts  will  swell  as  stories  fly, 

'Till  truth  outstretch'd  becomes  a  lie, 

The  tell-tale  here  no  leg-end  frames, 

Which  more  than  moderate  credence  claims; 

Nor,  bouncer-like,  a  fiction  broaches, 

For  those  who  swallow  lies  like  loaches : 

Nor  sceptre  dreads  whose  scowling  eye 

At  aught  uncommon  darts  a  lie ; 

So  can  this  tale,  whose  heart's  at  quiet, 

Believe  it,  doubt  it,  or  deny  it. 

John  Trot,  a  homespun  country  put, 

Jack  Sly,  one  morning-,  met  full  butt ; 

Who,  starting-,  stared,  and  stammering-  sam — 

"Lord!  Juh!  Juh!  Juhn  !  why,  arn't  you  dead ?" 

"  Dead  !  whoy  ?"  says  John—"  Dear  heart,"  quoth  Sly, 

"  Don't  rave,  I'll  tell  the  reason  why : 

Dick  Bam  declares,  who  saw  the  sight, 

You  eat  up  three  loive  cats  last  night." 

"Eat  three  live  cats,"  quoth  John,  "  odd  rot  it! 

Proime  news — I  wonder  where  he  got  it. 

But  I'll  soon  foind  ;"  so  speeds  to  Bam, 

Who  flatly  swore  'twas  all  a  flam  ; 

"I  couldn't  say,"  quoth  Dick,  "  that  you 

Had  eat  three  live  cats— 'twas  but  two." 

"Two,  i'the  nuame  and  who 
Has  told,"  says  Trot,  "this  teale  to  you  ?" 
"Bob  Banter."     "0,  he  did,"  quoth  John,- 
"I'll  make  him  change  his  note  anone  :" 
So  hies  to  Banter  all  agog-, 
Whom  thus  he  greets,  "  You  slandering  dog, 
Who  reake  up  lies  to  gull  the  flats, 
Did  I  last  neit  eat  two  loive  cats  ?" 
"Two,"  replies  Banter,  "that's  rare  fun, 
E;it  me  if  1  Baid  more  than  one." — 
"Than  one,  and  hang  it,  why  nay  that? 
Why  say  ili.it  1  eal  ■•one"  loive  cal  .'" 
"Your  brother  told  me  so,"  ,s;iys  liob; 
"If  so,"  says  J, ,1m,  "I'll jolt  liis  knob." 

So  off  went  Cain  in  search  of  Abel, 

With  mind  whose  index  lack'd  bo  label, 

As  frowning'  brow  and  Hashing  eye, 

To  John'*  intent  ne'er  gave  the  lie  ; 
and  had  he  then  met  Tom,  his  brother, 

mig  hi  bare  l<  irell'd  one  or  t'other  I 
But  fortunately,  John,  thus  fool'd, 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  73 

No  brother  found  till  passion  cool'd  ; 

When  lighting  then  on  tattling  Tom, 

He  cried, — "  Where's  got  thee  that  teale  from  ? 

Plague  o'  thy  tongue,  thou  foul-inouth'd  brat, 

That  I  last  neit  gobb'd  up  a  eat '.'" 

"A  cat !"  cries  Tom,  your  spluttering  spare, 
A  puss,  I  said — a  fine  large  hare, 
Mother  herself  here  told  me  that." 
"  You  lie,  you  rouge,  nor  hare  nor  cat," 
Quoth  Old  Dame  Trot—"  Now  donna  blab  it, 
I  only  said  John  eat  a  rabbit, 
And  that's  a  truth,  I'll  pledge  my  life, 
And  here's  my  author — John's  own  wife." 
When  John's  meek  spouse  demurely  rose, 
And  cried — "  Good  friends,  this  contest  close  ; 
For  sure  as  women  breed  by  marriage, 
Stories  will  always  breed  in  carriage  ; 
And  tho'  three  cats,  of  English  breed, 
'Tis  said  poor  John  dispatch'd  with  speed, 
John  supp'd,  as  oft  he'd  done  before, 
On  a  welch  rabbit — nothing  more  !" 


HOW  TO  COOK  A  HUSBAND. 

As  Mrs.  Glass  said  of  the  hare,  you  must  first  catch  him. 
Having  done  so,  the  mode  of  cooking  him,  so  as  to  make  a  good 
dish  of  him,  is  as  follows  :— Many  good  husbands  are  spoiled  in 
the  cooking  ;  some  women  go  about  it  as  if  their  husbands  were 
bladders,  and  blow  them  up.  Others  keep  them  constantly  in  hot 
water,  while  others  freeze  them  by  conjugal  coldness.  Some  smo- 
ther them  with  hatred,  contention,  and  variance,  and  some  keep 
them  in  pickle  all  their  lives.  These  women  always  serve  them 
up  with  tongue  sauce.  Now  it  cannot  be  supposed  that  husbands 
will  be  tender  and  good  if  managed  in  this  way.  But  they  are, 
on  the  contrary,  very  delicious  when  managed  as  follows: — Get  a 
large  jar,  called  the  jar  of  carefulness  (which  all  good  wives  have 
on  hand,)  place  your  husband  in  it,  and  set  him  near  the  fire  of 
conjugal  love  ;  let  the  fire  be  pretty  hot  but  especially  let  it  be  clear 
— above  all  let  the  heat  be  constant.  Cover  him  over  with  affection, 
kindness,  and  subjection.  Garnish  with  modest,  becoming  famili- 
arity, and  the  spice  of  pleasantry  ;  and  if  you  have  kisses  an  1 
other  confectionaries,  let  them  be  accompanied  with  a  suflicont 
portion  of  secrecy,  mixed  with  prudence  and  moderation.  We 
would  advise  alf  good  wives  to  try  this  receipt,  and  realize  how 
admirable  a  husband  is  when  properly  coked. 


74  THE    BOOK   OF 

Noble  and  Witty  Reply.— In  1561,  Philip  I.  sent  the  young 
Constable  de  Castile  to  Rome,  to  congratulate  Sextus  the  V.,  on 
his  advancement.  The  Pope  immediately  said — "Are  there  so 
few  men  in  Spain,  that  your  King  sends  me  one  without  a  beard !'' 
"  Sir,"  said  the  fierce  Spaniard,  "if  his  Majesty  possessed  the  least 
idea  that  you  imagined  merit  lay  in  a  beard,  he  would  have  depu- 
ted a  goat  to  you,  not  a  gentleman." 


SAGACITY  OF  THE  DOG. 

The  following  (in  my  opinion)  extraordinary  anecdote  of  the 
sagacity  of  the  dog,  was  related  to  me  by  a  game-keeper  to  a  cer- 
tain noble  Lord,  in  whose  word  I  can  place  the  strictest  reliance. 

Here  it  is  verbatim :  '  One  day  I  was  out  shooting  towards  M , 

which  is,  as  you  know,  three  miles  hence,  and  in  going  through  a 
thick  wood  on  my  return,  I  lost  my  powder  flask,  a  very  large  one, 
which  I  never  discovered  till  I  had  arrived  home.  I  then  took  out 
a  dog,  in  whose  sagacity  I  placed  the  greatest  reliance,  and  after 
rubbing  my  hand  in  the  pocket  of  my  shooting  jacket,  gave  it  him 
to  smell,  and  then  pointing  towards  the  place  where  I  had  lost  it, 
said,  '  now,  you  go  find.'  The  creature  set  off  immediately,  and  in 
about  three  hours  returned  with  the  flask  in  his  mouth,  which  was 
bleeding,  from  its  weight,  and  the  long  way  which  he  had  to  carry 
it.' 

CURIOUS  RHYMES 

What  is  earth,  sexton? — A  place  to  dig  graves; 
What  i.s  earth,  rich  men? — A  place  to  work  slaves; 
"What  is  earth,  gray-beard? — A  place  to  grow  old  ; 
What  is  earth,  miser  ? — A  place  to  dig  gold  ; 
"What  is  earth,  school-boy? — A  place  for  my  play; 
What  i.s  earth,  maiden?— A  place  to  be  gay  ; 
What  is  earth,  seamstress?— A  place  where  I  weep  ; 
What  is  earth,  sluggard  ? — A  good  place  to  sleep  ; 
What  is  earth,  soldier? — A  place  for  a  battle  ; 
What  is  earth,  herdsmen  I — A  place  to  raise  cattle? 
What  is  earth,  widow? — A  place  of  true  Borrow; 
What  is  earth,  tradesman? — I'll  tell  you  to-morrow; 
What  i-  earth,  sick  man  .' — 'Tis  nothing  to  me  ; 
What  is  earth,  sailor .:' — My  home  is  the  sea ; 
What  is  earth,  statesman  .'  -A  place  to  win  Game; 
What  i^  i  a i ill,  an i inn- .' — I'll  write  there  my  name; 

What  i.s  earth,  monaroh  .' — For  my  realm  'tis  given  ; 
What  is  earth,  Christian  .' — The  gateway  of  Heaven. 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  75 

YANKEE  COURTSHIP. 

After  my  sleigh-ride  last  winter,  and  the  slippery  trick  I  was 
6erved  by  Patty  Bean,  nobody  would  suspect  me  of  hankering  after 
the  women  again  in  a  hurry.  To  hear  me  jump  and  swear,  and  rail 
out  against  the  whole  feminine  gender,  you  would  have  taken  it  for 
granted  that  I  should  never  so  much  as  look  at  one  of  them  again  to 
all  eternity.  0  but  I  was  wicked !  "  Tear  out  their  eyes,"  says  I, 
"  blame  their  skins,  and  torment  their  hearts ;"  finally,  I  took  an  oath, 
that  if  I  ever  meddled,  or  had  anything  to  do  with  them  again,  I  might 
be  hung  and  choked. 

But  swearing  off  from  women,  and  then  going  into  a  meeting-house 
choke  full  of  gals,  all  shining:  and  glistening-  in  their  Sunday  clothes 
and  clean  faces,  is  like  swearing  off  from  liquor  and  going  into  a  grog 
shop — it's  all  smoke. 

I  held  out  and  kept  firm  to  my  oath  three  whole  Sundays— forenoons, 
afternoons,  and  intermissions  complete.  On  the  fourth,  there  were 
strong  symptoms  of  a  change  of  weather.  A  chap  about  my  size  was* 
seen  on  the  way  to  the  meeting-house,  with  a  new  patent  hat  on ; 
his  head  hung  by  the  ears  upon  a  shirt-collar ;  his  cravat  had  a  pudding 
in  it,  and  branched  out  in  front  into  a  double-bow  knot.  He  carried  a 
straight  back  and  a  stiff  neck,  as  a  man  ought  to  do  when  he  has  his 
best  clothes  on  ;  and  every  time  he  spit,  he  sprang  his  body  forward 
like  a  jack-knife,  in  order  to  shoot  clear  of  the  ruffles. 

Squire  Jones's  pew  is  next  but  two  to  mine,  and  when  I  stand  up  to 
prayers,  and  take  my  coat-tail  under  my  arm,  and  turn  my  back  to 
the  minister,  I  naturally  look  right  straight  at  Sally  Jones.  Now  Sally 
has  got  a  face  not  to  be  grinned  at  in  a  fog.  Indeed,  as  regards  beau- 
ty, some  folks  think  she  can  pull  an  even  yoke  with  Patty  Bean.  For 
my  part,  I  think  there  is  not  much  boot  between  them.  Any  how, 
they  are  so  high  matched  that  they  have  hated  and  despised  each  other 
like  rank  poison,  ever  since  they  were  school-girls. 

Squire  Jones  had  got  his  evening  fire  on,  and  set  himself  down  to 
reading  the  great  Bible,  when  he  heard  a  rap  at  his  door.  '  Walk  in. 
Well,  John,  how  der  do  ?  Get  out  Pompey  !' — 'Pretty  well,  I  thank 
ye,  Squire,  and  how  do  you  do  V  '  Why,  so  as  to  be  crawling— ye 
ugly  beast,  will  ye  hold  your  yop  ?  Hail  up  a  chair  and  sit  down, 
John.' 

'  How  do  you  do,  Mrs  Jones?'  '0,  middlin' ;  how's  yer  marm? 
Don't  forget  the  mat  there,  Mr.  Beedle.'  This  put  me  in  mind  that  I 
had  been  off  soundings  several  times  in  the  long  muddy  lane  ;  and  my 
boots  were  in  a  sweet  pickle. 

It  was  now  old  captain  Jones's  turn,  the  grandfather.  Being  roused 
from  a  doze,  by  the  bustle  and  racket,  he  opened  both  his  eyes  at  first 
with  wonder  and  astonishment.  At  last  he  began  to  halloo  so  loud 
that  you  might  hear  him  a  mile  ;  for  he  takes  it  for  granted  that  every 
body  is  just  exactly  as  deaf  as  he  is. 


76  THE   BOOK   OP 

'Who  is  it?  I  say,  who  in  the  world  is  it?'  Mrs.  Jones  going 
close  to  his  ear,  screamed  out,  "  It's  Johnny  Beedle.' — '  Ho,  Johnny 
Beedle,  I  remember  he  was  one  summer  at  the  siege  of  Boston.' — 
*  No,  no,  father,  bless  your  heart,  that  was  his  grandfather,  that's 
been  dead  and  g-one  this  twenty  years.' — '  Ho ;  but  where  does  he 
come  from?'  'Daon  taon.' — '  And  what  does  he  follow  for  a  livin'  '?' 
And  he  did  not  stop  asking  questions,  after  this  sort,  till  all  the  par- 
ticulars of  the  Beedle  family  were  published  and  proclaimed  in  Mrs. 
Jones's  last  screech.     He  then  sunk  back  into  his  doze  agaiu. 

The  dog  stretched  himself  before  one  handiron  ;  the  cat  squat  down 
upon  the  other.  Silence  came  on  by  degrees  like  a  calm  snow  storm, 
till  nothing  was  heard  but  a  cricket  under  the  hearth,  keeping-  tune 
with  a  sappy  yellow  birch  forestick.  Sally  sat  up  prim,  as  if  she  were 
pinned  to  the  chair-back — her  hands  crossed  genteelly  upon  her  lap, 
and  her  eyes  looked  straight  into  the  fire.  Mammy  Jones  tried  to 
6t)-aighten  herself  too,  and  laid  her  hands  across  in  her  lap  ;  but  they 
would  not  lie  still.  It  was  full  twenty-four  hours  since  they  had  done 
any  work,  and  they  were  out  of  patience  with  keeping  Sunday.  Do 
what  she  would  to  keep  them  quiet,  they  would  bounce  up  now  and 
then,  and  go  through  the  motions  in  spite  of  the  fourth  commandment. 
For  my  part,  I  sat  looking  very  much  like  a  fool.  The  more  I  tried 
to  say  something,  the  more  my  tongue  stuck  fast.  I  put  my  right  leg 
over  the  left,  and  said  'hem.'  Then  I  changed,  and  put  the  left  over 
the  right.  It  was  no  use,  the  silence  kept  coming  on  thicker  and 
thicker.  The  drops  of  sweat  began  to  crawl  over  me.  I  got  my  eye 
upon  my  hat,  hanging  on  a  peg,  on  the  road  to  the  door — and  then  I 
eved  the  door.  At  this  moment,  the  old  captain  all  at  once  sung  out, 
'Johnny  Beedle  !'  It  sounded  like  a  clap  of  thunder,  and  I  started 
right  up  on  end. 

'Johnny  Beedle,  you'll  never  handle  such  a  drumstick  as  your  fathei 
did,  if  yer  live  to  the  age  of  Methusaler.  He  would  toss  up  his  drum- 
stick, and  while  it  was  whirlin'  in  the  air,  take  oiF a  gill  er  rum,  and 
then  ketch  it  as  it  come  down,  without  losin'  a  stroke  in  the  tune. 
What  dye  think  of  that,  ha?  But  skull  your  chair  round,  close  er 
long-side  o'  me,  so  yer  can  hear.  Now,  what  have  you  come  a'ti  r  ."  —  'I 
after?  0,  jest  takin'  a  walk.* — 'Pleasant  walkin',  I  guess.' — 'I  mean 
jest  to  see  how  you  all  do.' — 'Ho  !  That's  another  lie.  You've  come 
a-courtiu',  Johnny  Beedle — you're  a'ter  our  Sal.  Say,  now,  d'ye  want 
to  marry,  or  only  to  court  ?' 

This  was  what  I  call  a  choker.     Poor  Sally  made  but  one  jump,  an  1 
landed  in  the  middle  of  the  kitchen  ;  and  then  she  Bkulked  into  the  dark 
■  Id  man,  after  laughing  himself  in  a  whooping'  cough, 
was  put  to  bed. 

■  came  apples  and  cider ;    and  the  ice  being  broke,  plenty  chat 

with  Mammy  Jon  listerand  the  'aarn '     i  agreed 

with  Imt  lo  a  nicety  upon  all  the  points  ol  doctrine  ;  l"it  I  had  foi 
test,  and  all  the  heads  ol  the  discourse  but  six.     Then  she  teased 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 


77 


and  tormented  me  to  tell  who  I  accounted  the  best  singer  in  the  gal- 
lery  that  day.  But,  mum— there  was  no  fretting  that  out  of  me. 
'Praise  to  the  face  is  often  disgrace,'  says  I,  throwing  a  sly  squint  at 
Sally. 

At  last,  Mrs.  Jones  lighted  t'other  candle;  and  after  charging  Sally 
to  look  well  to  the  tire,  she  led  the  way  to  bed,  and  the  Squire  gathered 
up  his  shoes  and  stockings  and  followed. 

Sally  and  I  were  left  sitting  a  good  yard  apart,  honest  measure. 
For  fear  of  getting  tongue  tied  again,  I  set  right  in  with  a  steady 
stream  of  talk.  I  told  her  all  the  particulars  about  the  weather  that 
was  ]>:ist,  and  also  some  pretty  'cute  guesses  at  what  it  was  likely  to  be 
in  future.  At  first  I  gave  a  hitch  up  with  my  chair  at  every  full  stop. 
Then,  growing-  saucy,  I  repeated  it  at  every  comma  and  semi-colon  ; 
and  at  last  it  was,  hitch,  hitch,  hitch,  and  I  planted  myself  fast  by  her 
side. 

'  I  vow,  Sally,  you  looked  so  plaguy  handsome  to-day  that  I  wanted 
to  eat  you  up.' — ' Pshaw,  git  along  with  you,'  says  she.  My  hand 
had  crept  along,  Bomehow  upon  its  fingers,  and  began  to  scrape  ac- 
quaintance with  hers.  She  sent  it  home  again  with  a  desperate  jerk. 
'Try  it  agin' — no  better  luck.  '  Why,  Miss  Jones,  you're  gettin'  up- 
stropulous — a  little  old  maidish,  I  guess.'  'Hands  off  is  fair  play, 
Mr.  Reedle.' 

It  is  a  good  sign  to  find  a  girl  sulky.  I  knew  where  the  shoe 
pinched.  It  was  that  'ere  Patty  Bean  business.  So  I  went  to  work 
to  persuade  her  that  I  had  never  had  any  notion  after  Patty,  and  to  prove 
it  I  fell  to  running  her  down  at  a  great  rate.  Sally  could  not  help 
chiming  in  with  me,  and  I  rather  guess  Miss  Patty  suffered  a  few.  I 
now  not  only  got  hold  of  her  hand  without  opposition,  but  managed  to 
Blip  an  arm  round  her  waist.  But  there  was  no  satisfying  me — so  I  must 
go  to  poking  out  my  lips  after  a  buss.  I  guess  I  rued  it.  She  fetched 
me  a  slap  on  the  face  that  made  me  see  stars,  and  my  ears  rung 
like  a  brass  kettle  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour.  I  was  forced  to  laugh  at 
the  joke,  though  out  of  the  wrong  side  of  my  mouth,  which  gave  my 
lace  something-  the  look  of  a  grid-iron. 

The  battle  now  began  in  the  regular  way.  'Ah,  Sally,  give  me  a 
kiss  and  have  done  with  it.'  — 'No  I  won't,  so  there,  nor  tech  to.' — 
•  I'll  take  it  whether  or  no.' — '  Do  it,  if  you  dare.'  And  at  it  we  went, 
rough  and  tumble.  An  odd  destruction  of  starch  now  commenced.  The 
bow  of  my  cravat  was  squat  up  in  half  a  shake.  At  the  next  bout, 
smash  went  shirt  collar,  and  at  the  same  time,  some  of  the  head  fasten- 
ings gave  way,  and  down  came  Sally's  hair  in  a  flood  like  a  mill-dam 
broke  loose,  carrying  away  half-a-dozen  combs.  One  dig  of  Sally's 
elbow,  and  my  blooming  ruffles  wilted  down  into  a  dish-cloth.  But 
she  had  no  time  to  boast.  Soon  her  neck  tackling  began  to  shiver ; 
it  parted  at  the  throat,  and  whorah,  came  a  whole  shoal  of  blue  and 
•white  beads  scampering  and  running  races  every  which  way  about  the 
floor. 


78  THE   BOOK  OF 

By  the  liokey,  if  Sally  Jones  isn't  real  grit,  there's  no  snakes.  She 
fought  fair,  however,  I  must  own,  and  neither  tried  to  hite  or  scratch ; 
and  when  she  could  fight  no  longer,  for  want  of  breath,  she  yielded 
handsomely. 

The  upshot  of  the  matter  is,  I  fell  in  love  with  Sally  Jones,  head 
over  ears.  Every  Sunday  night,  rain  or  shine,  finds  me  rapping  at 
Squire  Jones's  door,  and  twenty  times  have  I  been  within  a  hair's 
breadth  of  popping  the  question.  But  now  I  have  made  a  final  re- 
solve ;  and  if  I  live  till  next  Sunday  night,  and  I  don't  get  choked  in 
the  trial,  Sally  Jones  will  hear  thunder ! 


PROVERBS. 

Its  better  ta  lay  e  bed  all  day  then  get  up  soin  ta  backbite  a  nabor. 

A  sly  drinker  goaze  t'back  way  tut  cherch  yard. 

A  bad  tooith  iz  better  than  a  bad  tongue. 

Its  better  ta  be  wethaght  knife,  then  bev  no  bread. 

One  wife's  plenty,  but  one  an  a  mistriss  al  ruin  onny  man. 

A  pop-shop  doar  duzant  need  a  rapper. 

When  a  king  swears  its  sed  the  devil  laughs. 

A  grease-horn  is  brother  to  an  hypocrite. 

Nivver  want  credit  when  yo  can  pay  ready  money. 


Futility  of  Pride, — Alexander  the  Great  seeing  Diogenes 
looking  attentively  at  a  large  collection  of  human  bones  piled  one 
upon  another,  asked  the  philosopher  what  he  was  looking  for.  '  I 
am  searching,'  said  Diogenes, '  for  the  bones  of  your  father,  but  I 
cannot  distinguish  them  from  those  of  his  slaves.' 


Mr.  Rees,  a  well-known  street  preacher,  was  accosted  by  a  would- 
be  wag  the  other  day,  and  questioned  as  follows  : — 

"  Do  you  believe  what  the  Bible  says  about  the  Prodigal  Son 
and  the 'fatted  calf?"— "  Certainly  1  do." 

"  Well,  can  you  tell  me  whether  the  call  that  was  killed  was 
a  male  or  female  calf?" — "Yes,  it  was  a  female  calf." 

"  How  do  you  know  that?'' — "  Because,"  said  llees,  looking  the 
chap  in  the  lace,  "  I  see  the  male  is  alive  now." 


A  Greek  Maid  being  asked  what  fortune  she  would  bring  her 
husband,  replied — "  I  will  bring  him  what  gold  cannot  purchase 
a  heart  unspotted,  and  virtue  without  a  stain,  which  is  all  that 
to  me  from  nv   parents.'1 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  79 

DOMESTIC  ASIDES ; 

OR  TRUTH  IN  PARENTHESIS. 

'  I  really  take  it  very  kind, 
This  visit,  Mrs.  Skinner  ! 
I  have  not  seen  you  such  an  age— 
(The  wretch  has  come  to  dinner  !) 

'Your  daughters,  too,  what  loves  of  girls — 
What  heads  for  painters'  easels  ! 
Come  here  and  kiss  the  infant,  dears— 
(And  give  it  p'rhaps  the  measles  !') 

'  Your  charming-  boys,  I  see,  are  home 
From  Reverend  Mr.  Russell's  ; 
'Twas  very  kind  to  bring-  them  both — 
(What  boots  for  my  new  Brussels  !') 

What !  little  Clara  left  at  home  P 
Well,  now,  I  call  that  shabby  : 
I  should  have  loved  to  kiss  her  so— 
(A.  flabby,  dabby,  babby  !') 

'And  Mr.  S.,  I  hope  he's  well, 
Ah  !  though  lie  lives  so  handy, 
He  never,  now,  drops  in  to  sup — 
(The  better  for  our  brandy  !') 

'  Come,  take  a  seat — I  long  to  hear 
About  Matilda's  marriage  ; 
You're  come,  of  course,  to  spend  the  day  ! — 
(Thank  Heav'n,  I  hear  the  carriage !') 

'  What,  must  you  go  ?  next  time  I  hope 
You'll  give  me  longer  measure  ; 
Nay — I  shall  see  you  down  the  stairs— 
(With  most  uncommon  pleasure  !') 

'  Good  bye  !  good  bye  !  remember  all, 
Next  time  you'll  take  your  dinners  ! 
(Now,  David,  mind  I'm  not  at  home 
In  future  to  the  Skinners  I') 


Sweet  Innocent. — The  husband  of  a  beautiful  wife,  upon  re- 
turniug  home,  was  met  by  one  of  his  offspring,  all  smiles,  clapping 
his  bands  and  saying,  "  Pa,  Mr.  B — has  been  here,  he's  such  a 
nice  man — he  kissed  us  all  round,  and  mother  too !" 


An  affectionate  Irishman  once  enlisted  in  the  75th  regiment, 
in  order  to  be  near  his  brother,  who  was  a  corporal  in  the  76th. 


80  THE   BOOK  OF 

THE  ZICZAC  AND  THE  CROCODILE. 

On  one  occasion  I  saw,  a  lcng  way  off,  a  large  crocodile,  twelve 
or  fifteen  feet  long,  lying  asleep  under  a  perpendicular  bank,  about 
ten  feet  high,  on  the  margin  of  the  river.  I  stopped  the  boat  at 
some  distance,  and  noting  the  place  as  well  as  1  could,  I  took  a 
circuit  inland,  and  came  down  cautiously  to  the  top  of  the  bank, 
whence  with  a  heavy  rifle  I  made  sure  of  my  ugly  game.  I  had 
already  cut  off  his  head  in  imagination,  and  was  considering 
whether  it  should  be  stuffed  with  its  mouth  open  or  shut.  I  peep- 
ed over  the  bank :  there  he  was,  within  ten  feet  of  the  rifle.  I 
was  on  the  point  of  firing  at  his  eye,  when  I  observed  that  he  was 
attended  by  a  bird  called  a  ziczac.  It  is  of  the  plover  species,  of 
a  grayish  colour,  and  as  large  as  a  small  pigeon.  The  bird  was 
walking  up  and  down,  close  to  the  crocodile's  nose.  I  suppose  I 
moved,  for  suddenly  it  saw  me  ;  and  instead  of  flying  away,  as  any 
respectable  bird  would  have  done,  it  jumped  up  about  a  foot  from 
the  ground,  screamed  '  ziczac !'  'ziczac  !'  with  all  the  powers  of  its 
voice,  and  dashed  itself  against  the  crocodile's  face  two  or  three 
times.  The  great  beast  started  up,  and  immediately  spying  its 
danger,  made  a  jump  into  the  air;  and  dashing  into  the  water 
with  a  splash  which  covered  me  with  mud,  he  dived  into  the  river, 
and  disappeared.  The  ziczac,  to  my  increased  admiration,  proud 
apparently  of  having  saved  his  friend,  remained  walking  up  and 
down,  uttering  his  cry,  as  I  thought,  with  an  exulting  voice,  and 
standing  every  now  and  then  on  the  tips  of  his  toes  in  a  conceited 
manner,  which  made  me  justly  angry  with  his  impertinence.  After 
having  waited  in  vain  for  some  time  to  see  whether  the  crocodile 
would  come  out  again,  I  got  up  from  the  bank  where  1  was  lying, 
threw  a  clod  of  earth  at  the  ziczac,  and  came  back  to  the  boat, 
feeling  some  consolation  for  the  loss  of  my  game  in  having  wit- 
nessed a  circumstance,  the  truth  of  which  has  been  disputed  by 
several  writers  on  natural  history. — Curzon's  Visits  to  Monasteries 
in  the  Levant. 


When  Baxter  was  on  one  occasion  brought  before  Judge  Jef- 
feries, '  Richard,'  said  the  brutal  chief  justice,  'I  see  a  rogue  in 
thy  lace.'     'I  had  not  known    before,'    replied  Baxter,  'that  my 

lace  was  a  mirror.' 


The  Obtuse  Boy. — 'I  say,  hoy,  stop  that  ox!'  'I  haven't  got 
no  stopper,  sir.'  '  Well,  head  hiui  then.'  'He's  already  headed, 
sir.'    'Confound  your  impertinenci .  turn  him  !'    'He's  right  side 

mit  already,  sir.'     'Speak  to  him  you  raseal,  you!'     'Good  morn- 
ing, Mr.  <  '.\.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENt.  81 

Smiles.— Oh !  what  a  sight  there  is  in  that  word — smile — for 
it  changes  colour  like  a  chameleon.  There's  a  vacant  smile,  a 
cohl  smile,  a  satiric  smile,  a  smile  of  hate,  an  affected  smile,  a 
smile  of  approbation,  a  friendly  smjle  ;  but  above  all,  a  smile  of 
love.  A  woman  has  two  smiles  that  an  angel  might  envy— the 
smile  that  accepts  the  lover  before  words  are  uttered,  and  the 
smile  that  lights  on  the  lirst-born  baby,  and  assures  him  of  a  mo- 
ther's love. 


THE  PUZZLE  OF  ONE. 

,eno  eb  llahs  ew  yad  enO 

,efil  dna  traeh  ni  eno 

,toc  teews  eno  ni  llewd  llahs 

;  etiw  dna  nam  eb  yad  eno 

,neht  su  tsaef  llahs  draob  eno 

;  daefa  ruo  tser  lliw  deb  eno 

eb  ew  llahs  yppah  dna 

!  deirram  era  ew  nehw 

,tsrif  eht  ta  llahs  ebab  eno 

,evol  laibunnoc  ruo  laes 

,stnalp  evilo  ekil  ,erom  neht 

!  evom  elbat  ruo  dnuora 

,tseuqer  eno  ym  raeh  neht 

;  em  tub  esle  eno  on  evol 

,tselb  em  ekam  nac  esle  eno  on  rof 

!  eeht  tub  evol  eno  read  yM 


NEGLECTING  THE  ANTECEDENT. 

Some  very  whimsical  instances  of  this  occur  continually,  especi 
ally  in  the  answers  of  witnesses  when  given  literally  as  they  speak. 
In  a  late  assault  case  the  prosecutor  swore  that '  the  prisoner  struck 
him  with  a  broom  on  his  head  till  he  broke  the  top  of  it!'  In 
narrating  an  incident  some  time  since,  it  was  stated  that  a  poor 
old  woman  was  run  over  by  a  cart  aged  sixty.  So  in  a  case  of 
supposed  poisoning:  '  He  had  something  in  a  blue  paper  in  his 
hand,  and  I  saw  him  put  his  head  over  the  pot,  and  put  it  in  ! ' 
Another,  swallowing  a  base  coin:  'He  snatched  the  half-crown 
from  the  boy,  which  he  swallowed  ;'  which  seems  to  mean  the  boy, 
not  the  money.  An  old  fellow,  who  for  many  years  sold  combus- 
tible matches  in  London,  had  the  following  cry :  '  Buy  a  penny- 
worth of  matches  of  a  poor  old  man  made  of  foreign  wood  !' — New 
York  Christmas  Bell. 


82  THE   BOOK   OF 

YOUR  SWEETHEART. 

Who  is  that  you  often  sigh  for, 
Whose  good  opinion  oft  you  try  for, 
Who  is  it  you  would  live  and  die  for  p 

Your  Sweetheart. 

Who  is  it  that  you  long  to  greet, 
Yet  fear  her  more  with  terror  sweet, 
Than  any  else  you  ever  meet  ? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

Who  is  it  gives  you  hope  to-day, 
To-morrow  drives  that  hope  away, 
And  tortures  by  unkind  delay  ? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

Yet  who,  pray  let  me  ask  again, 
Will  yield  to  all  your  wishes  when 
She  knows  you're  worthiest  of  men  ? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

Who  is  it  makes  you  lie  awake, 
Perhaps  all  night  until  day-break, 
Making  both  head  and  heart  to  ache  ? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

Who's  she  on  whom  you  should  not  ponder, 
Who  sits  at  church  i'  the  gallery  yonder, 
But  to  whose  pew  your  thoughts  will  wander? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

From  whom  do  you  get  stolen  glances, 
Which  pierce  you  through  like  flying'  lances, 
Which  pay  you  back  again — the  chance  is? 

Your  Sweetheart. 

When  you  had  "  popped  the  question"  to  her, 
Who,  at  that  moment,  on  her  wooer, 
Look'd  sweeter  than  you  ever  knew  her? 

Your  .Sweetheart. 

Whom  have  you  stiived  for  all  your  life, 
Until  you  won  her  to  your  wife, 
Thus  ending  all  this  loving  strife  P 

Your  Sweetheart. 


A  lady  consulted  Mr.  Aberncthy.  •  You  know  my  usual  fee? 
said  be.  Two  guineas  were  instantly  laid  on  the  table,  lie  put 
them  in  his  pocket,  and  pulling  forth  a  sixpence,  put  it  into  her 
hand :  '  There,'  said  he,  'go  and  buy  a  Bkipping-rope,  for  all  your 
illness  proceeds  from  want  of  exercise.' 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  83 

A  Precocious  Youth.— 'We  were  rusticating  a  few  days  since 
at  a  farm-house,'  says  a  western  editor,  'and  invited  a  young  lady 
to  favour  us  with  a  tune  on  the  piano.  Her  luusic-hook  being  in 
the  adjoining  room,  her  brother,  a  young  gent,  of  some  fourteen 
summers,  was  requested  to  go  for  it.  Alter  the  lapse  of  a  few 
moments,  he  returned,  and  placed  an  egg  on  the  music-stand.  On 
being  asked  what  that  was  for,  he  replied,  that  it  was  the  '  lay  of 
the  last  minstrel,'  and  that  the  composer  was  singing  in  honour  of 
her  production  in  the  fowl-house.' 


A  Sharp  Thief  of  the  Olden  Time.— The  following  auda- 
cious robbery  was  committed  at  an  apothecary's  in  Princes  street: 
A  fellow  went  in  at  the  private  door,  which  happened  to  be  open, 
walked  up  stairs,  packed  up  the  bed,  mattress,  and  all  the  bedding 
and  furniture  of  the  bed,  and  came  softly  down  stairs  with  it ;  by  an 
accident  his  foot  slipped  in  the  passage,  as  he  was  going  out,  and  the 
load  fell  from  his  head.  The  noise  brought  out  the  apothecary: 
'Heyday,  friend!'  says  he,' What  are  you  doing  there?'  'Sir,' replied 
the  man,  without  the  least  hesitation, '  I  have  brought  home  the  bed 
and  bedding  you  purchased  to-day  at  the  auction.'  '  I  purchased 
a  bed  at  an  auction  !'  was  the  answer,  '  I  was  at  no  auction,  nor 
have  I  bought  a  bed.'  '  I  am  sure,'  returned  the  fellow, '  my  mas- 
ter told  me  it  was  at  an  apothecary's — or  perhaps  he  might  say  it 
was  near  an  apothecary's — I  am  sorry  for  the  mistake,  sir,  and  I 
beg  you  will  be  so  good  as  to  help  me  up  again  with  my  load, 
that  I  may  carry  it  to  the  right  place.'  The  apothecary  very  civilly 
did  as  he  was  desired,  and  the  man  marched  off  with  his  prize. 
But  lo !  when  the  apothecary  and  his  wife  withdrew  to  bed  at 
night,  all  that  presented  itself  to  their  view  was  a  naked  four-post 
bedstead,  and  the  person  robbed  discovered  that  he  had  literally 
assisted  in  the  robbing  of  himself. 


Seven  Fools.— The  angry  man — who  sets  his  own  house  on  fire 
in  order  that  he  may  burn  that  of  his  neighbour.  The  envious  man 
— who  cannot  enjoy  life  because  others  do.  The  robber — who  for  the 
consideration  of  a  lew  pounds,  gives  the  world  liberty  to  hang  him. 
The  hypochondriac — whose  highest  happiness  consists  in  render- 
ing himself  miserable.  The  jealous  man — who  poisons  his  own 
banquet,  and  then  eats  of  it.  The  miser — who  starves  himself  to 
death,  in  order  that  his  heir  may  feast.  The  slanderer — who  tells 
tales  for  the  sake  of  giving  his  enemy  an  opportunity  to  prove  him 
a  liar. 


84  TIIE   BOOK  OF 

Upon  coming  into  the  office,  the  other  day,  we  asked  an  ancient 
P.  D.  his  rule  of  punctuation.  Said  he — 'I  set  up  as  long  as  I 
can  hold  my  breath,  then  put  in  a  comma ;  when  I  gape  1  insert 
a  semicolon  ;  when  I  sneeze  a  colon ;  and  when  I  want  to  take 
another  chew  of  tobacco,  I  insert  a  period.'  We  cannot  withhold 
these  rules,  so  admirable  in  their  simplicity,  from  the  public 


THE  PILGRIMS  AND  THE  PEAS. 

A  brace  of  sinners  for  no  good 

Were  order'd  to  the  Virgin  Mary's  shrine  ; 
Who  at  Loretto  dwelt  in  wax,  stone,  wood, 
And  in  a  fair  white  wig  look'd  wond'rous  fine. 

Fifty  long  miles  had  those  sad  rogues  to  travel, 

With  something  in  their  shoes  much  worse  than  gravel ; 

In  short,  their  toes  so  gently  to  amuse, 

The  priest  had  order'd  peas  into  their  shoes, — 

A  nostrum,  famous  in  old  Popish  times, 

For  purifying  souls  that  stunk  of  crimes  ; 

A  sort  of  Apostolic  salt, 

Which  Popish  parsons  for  its  powers  exalt 

For  keeping  souls  of  sinners  sweet, 

Just  as  our  kitchen  salt  keeps  meat. 

The  knaves  set  off  the  self-same  day, 

Peas  in  their  shoes,  to  go  and  pray  : 

But  very  different  was  their  speed,  I  wot, — 
One  of  the  sinners  gallop'd  on, 
Swift  as  a  bullet  from  a  gun  ; 

The  other  limp'd  as  if  he  had  been  shot. 

One  saw  the  Virgin  soon,  "Peceavi"  cried, — 
Had  his  soul  whitewasli'd  over  all  so  clever! 

Then  home  again  he  nimbly  hied, 

Made  fit,  with  saints  ahove,  to  live  for  ever. 

In  coming  hack,  however,  lit  me  sav, 

He  met  his  brother  rogue  alum!,  half  way — 

Hobbling  witli  outsireteh'd  bum,  and  bending  knees, 

Cursing  the  bouIs  and  bodies  of  the  peas  ; 

His  eyes  in  tears,  his  cheeks  ami  brows  in  sweat, 

Deep  sympathizing  with  his  groaning  R    I 

'How  now,'  the  light-toed,  white-washed  pilgrim  broke, 

'  You  luzy  lubber  !' 
•Odds  curse  it!'  cried  the  Other,  'tis  no  joke  — 

My  feet,  ouee  hard  aa  any  rook, 
Are  now  as  soft  as  blubbei  • 


i  c.n  amj  amusement.  85 

Excuse  me,  Virgin  Mary,  that  I  swear- 
As  for  Loretto,  I  shall  not  get  there  ; 
No  !  to  the  devil  my  sinful  soul  must  go, 
For  hang  me,  if  I  ha'nt  lost  every  toe  ! 

But,  brother  sinner,  pray  explain 
How  'tis  that  you're  not  in  pain  ; 

What  power  hath  work'd  a  wonder  for  thy  toes; 
Whilst  I,  just  like  a  snail  am  crawling, 
Now  swearing,  now  on  saints  devoutly  bawling, 

Whilst  not  a  rascal  comes  to  ease  my  woes? 

How  is't  that  you  can  like  a  greyhound  go, 

Merry  as  if  that  nought  had  happened — burn  ye?' 
Why,'  cried  the  other  (grinning),  'you  must  know, 
That  just  before  I  ventur'd  on  my  journey, 
To  walk  a  little  more  at  ease — 
I  took  the  liberty  to  boii  MY"  peas.' 


WOLVES. 

Thk  following  circumstance,  showing  the  savage  nature  of  the  wolf, 
and  interesting  in  more  than  one  point  of  view,  was  related  to  me  by 
a  gentleman  of  rank  attached  to  the  embassy  at  St.  Petersburgh  :  it 
occurred  in  Russia  some  few  years  ago.  A  woman,  accompanied  by 
three  of  her  children,  were  one  day  in  a  sledge,  when  they  were  pur- 
sued by  a  number  of  wolves.  On  this,  she  put  the  horse  into  a  gallop 
and  drove  towards  her  home,  from  which  she  was  not  far  distant,  with 
all  possible  speed.  All,  however,  would  not  avail,  for  the  ferocious 
animals  gained  upon  her,  and  at  last  were  on  the  point  of  rushing  on 
the  sledge.  For  the  preservation  of  her  own  life  and  that  of  the  re- 
maining children,  the  poor  frantic  creature  now  took  one  of  her  babes 
and  cast  it  a  prey  to  her  blood-thirsty  pursuers.  This  stopped  their 
career  for  a  moment ;  but,  after  devouring  the  little  innocent,  they 
renewed  the  pursuit,  and  a  second  time  came  up  with  the  vehicle.  The 
mother,  driven  to  desperation,  resorted  to  the  same  horrible  expedient, 
and  threw  her  ferocious  assailants  another  of  her  offspring.  To  cut 
short  this  melancholy  story,  her  third  child  was  sacriMced  in  a  similar 
manner.  Soon  after  this,  the  wretched  being,  whose  feelings  may  more 
easily  be  conceived  than  described,  reached  her  home  in  safety.  Here 
she  related  what  had  happened,  and  endeavoured  to  paliiate  her  own 
conduct,  by  describing  the  dreadful  alternative  to  which  she  had  been 
reduced.  A  peasant,  however,  who  was  among  the  bystanders,  and 
heard  the  recital,  took  up  an  axe,  and  with  one  blow  cleft  her  skull  in 
two;  saying,  at  the  same  time,  that  a  mother  who  could  thus  sacrifice 
her  children  for  the  preservation  of  her  own  life,  was  no  longer  lit  to 
live.  This  man  was  committed  to  prison,  but  the  Emperor  subsequently 
gave  him  a  pardon. 


86  THE    BOOK   OF 

Californian  Chances.—'  What  luck  have  you  had  at  the 
mines?'  'Darned  little  ;  we  made  jist  enough  to  pay  our  way 
along  the  road.'  'What  chance  do  you  think  we'll  have  ?'  'Well, 
I  guess  you'll  have  chances  enough,  but  darned  few  sartainties. 
Unless  you  keep  your  eyes  skinned,  and  sleep  without  winking, 
they'll  steal  the  very  nose  off  your  face.'  'How  are  they  oft'  for 
provender  for  the  horses  ?'  'There  ain't  a  blade  of  grass  in  the 
whole  darned  country.  If  it  warn't  that  this  here  tarnal  critter  of 
mine  managed  to  live  upon  acorns  and  rottenstone,  I  guess  as  how 
he'd  a  been  a  gonner  some  weeks  ago.  But  don't  lei  this  scar  ye, 
strangers,  for  there's  mountains  ofgoold  if  ye  ran  only  get  at  it. 
Good  night,  my  trumps,  I  wish  you  luck !' — Ryan's  Persona! 
Adventures. 


THE  FINESSE  OR  PARISIAN  THIEVES. 

Two  well-dressed  persons  stopped  one  evening  lately,  between 
nine  and  ten  o'clock,  before  the  shop  of  a  grocer,  named  Croton, 
Rue  de  Normandie,  at  Bercy,  and  burst  into  loud  laughter.  "  I 
tell  you  that  I  will  do  it,"  said  one. — "  I'll  bet  you  live  francs  you 
do  not,"  said  the  other. — "  Done  ;  I'll  take  the  bet." — Both  then 
entered  the  shop. — "  Do  you  sell  treacle?"  said  the  first. — "Yes, 
gentlemen,". said  the  grocer. — "Give  me  two  pounds  of  it." — "Have 
you  a  vessel  to  put  it  in  ?"  "No  ;  but  put  it  here."—  "What!  in 
your  hat?" — "Pour  it  in  ;  its  for  a  wager" — The  grocer  took  the 
hat,  placed  it  in  the  scale,  and  much  amused  at  the  idea,  poured 
into  it  two  pounds  weight  of  treacle.  "  There's  the  money,"  said 
the  purchaser,  and  he  threw  down  a  five-franc  piece.  The  grocer 
began  to  count  the  change,  when  the  man  said,  "  Pardon  me,  sir, 
but  your  treacle  has  a  queer  smell." — "  Its  very  good,  I  assure  you." 
— "  No  ;  smell  it."  The  grocer  put  down  his  head  to  the  hat,  and 
at  the  same  moment  the  customer,  by  a  rapid  movement,  thrust 
the  man's  head  into  the  hat  ;  and,  as  the  grocer  instinctively  raised 
his  head,  the  customer  knocked  the  hat  over  his  eyes.  The  oilier 
man  then  plunged  his  hand  into  the  till,  and  seized   a  handful  of 

money,  about  thirty  francs.     Both  got  clear  oil'  before  the  unfortu- 
nate grocer  could  Line  the  alarm. 


A  Caution. — Never  nod  to  an  acquaintance  at  an  auction.    We 
did  so  once,  mid  when  the  sale  closed  we  found  four  broken  chairs, 

six  cracked  flower-pots,  and  a  knock-kneed  bedstead  knocked  down 
to  iis.  What  we  intended  as  nods  to  a  friend  had  been  taken  by 
the  auctioneer  as  bids  For  the  kitchen  furniture. 


KIN    ANT)    AMUSEMENT.  87 

THE  SHORT  GENTLEMAN'S  APOLOGY. 

Sublimest,  fairest  of  thy  sex,  how  can  I  match  with  thee, 
When  I'm  but  four  feet  and  a  half,  and  you  are  six  feet  three  ? 
The  time  is  really  past,  my  dear,  of  which  old  writings  tell, 
When  the  little  angels  deep  in  love  with  giantesses  fell. 

I'm  flatter'd  much,  I  vow  and  swear,  and  may  my  oath  be  booked, 
In  not  being  by  so  tall  a  dame  entirely  overlooked  ; 
Yet  what  may  "l'e  a  pleasant  thing  in  meaningless  flirtation,  _ 
Might  prove,"  in  wedlock's  graver  time,  a  pretty  smart  vexation. 

First,  now,  suppose  that  courtship  had  commenced  betwixt  us  two, 
How  strange  a  thing,  if  every  time  when  I  came  here  to  woo, 
I  had  to  bring  a  telescope  of  Herschell's  greatest  size, 
To  pitch  at  you,  that  I  might  read  the  language  of  your  eyes  ! 

And  if  at  last,  some  summer  night,  you  were  to  blush  consent, 
And  I  was  almost  overpowered  with  love's  soft  ravishment, 
You'll  own  'twould  be,  upon  the  whole,  an  awkward  sort  of  bliss, 
Had  a  ladder  to  be  ordered  in  ere  I  could  reach  a  kiss. 

These  things,  'tis  true,  might  be  got  o'er,  being  only  entre  nous, 
But  how,  my  dear,  in  heaven's  name,  d'ye  think  we  e'er  should  do, 
When  we  were  going,  man  and  wife,  on  friends  and  foes  to  call, 
Already  christened  by  some  wag,  "  The  Cannon  and  the  Ball?" 

'Twould  break  my  heart,  I'm  very  sure,  though  a  stoutish  heart  it  be. 
If,  while  I  walked  on  Princes  Street,  hard  trotting  by  your  knee, 
Some  purblind  dame  were  to  cry  out,  '  La,  Mrs.  So-and-so, 
This  lady — sure,  her  reticule,  she  hangs  it  rather  low.' 

I  really  am  afraid,  my  dear,  I  should  look  something  queer, 
Hung  from  your  lofty  arm,  like  gem  that  hangs  from  Ethiop's  ear ; 
Why,  as  you  fashions  lead  sometimes,  folk  might  begin  to  hint 
At  having  patterns  copied  from  your  'elbow  ornament.' 

Their  endless  jokes,  I  see  them  all,  by  Jove,  drawn  out  before  me, 
As  clear  and  dreadful  as  the  kings  that  made  Macbeth  so  stormy  ; 
First  some  one,  in  contrasting  us,  would  give  me  credit  due, 
But  say  that,  on  the  whole,  I  fell  a  good  deal  short  of  you. 

Another  would  remark  that  you  must  jealousy  defy, 

Seeing  you  kept  your  little  man  so  much  beneath  your  eye ;    . 

A  third  would  wonder  how  at  all  I  ever  met  your  eyes, 

Which  ever  go,  like  Milton's  thoughts,  'commercing  with  the  skies. 

No,  no,  my  dear,  it  will  not  do,  we  can't  be  man  and  wife  ; 

•  Unequal  yokes,'  St.  Paul  has  said,  bring  misery  and  strife  ; 

Odds  life,  d'ye  think  I'd  wed  with  one,  who,  spite  of  previous  speeches, 

Would  be,  however  ill  they'd  fit,  so  sure  to  wear  the  breeches ! 


88  THE   BOOK   OP 

Children's  Questions.— Children  are  inquisitive  bodies:  for 
instance,  '  What  does  cleave  mean,  papa  ?' — '  It  means  to  stick  to- 
gether.'— 'Does  John  stick  wood  together  when  he  cleaves  it?'  — 
4  Hem  ;  well,  it  means  to  separate.' — '  Well,  then,  pa,  does  a  man 
separate  from  Ins  wife  when  he  cleaves  to  her  ?' — '  Hem,  hem ; 
don't  ask  so  many  foolish  questions,  child.' 

A  Sharp  Reply. — '  How  do  you  feel  with  such  a  shocking- 
looking  coat  on  ?'  said  a  young  clerk  of  some  pretensions  one  morn- 
ing to  old  Roger.'  '  I  feel,'  said  old  Roger,  looking  at  him  stead- 
ily with  one  eye  half  closed,  as  if  taking  aim  at  the  victim  ;  '  1  loo!, 
young  man,  as  if  I  had  a  coat  on  which  has  been  paid  fur ;  a  lux- 
ury of  feeling  which  I  think  you  will  never  experience.' 

Mr.  Abernethy.—  A  lady  consulting  the  late  Mr.  Abernethy 
on  a  nevous  disorder,  entered  into  along,  frivolous,  and  fantastic 
detail  of  her  symptoms.  Unsatisfied  with  being  referred  to  his 
'book'  for  instruction  respecting  the  treatment  of  her  complaints, 
she  persisted  iu  endeavouring  to  extract  further  information  from 
Mr.  Abernethy.  After  suffering  her  volubility  with  considerable 
patience  for  a  while,  he  exclaimed  to  the  repeated  'May  I  eat 
oysters,  Doctor  ?  May  I  eat  suppers  ?'  '  I'll  tell  you  what,  Ma'am  ; 
you  may  eat  any  thing  but  the  poker  and  the  bellows  ;  for  the  one 
is  hard  of  digestion,  and  the  other  is  full  of  wind.' 


PRESENCE  OF  MIND. 

Daring  Lord  Exmouth's  attack  on  the  batteries  of  Algiers,  in  181C, 
the  Algerines  used  a  great  number  of  red-hot  shot,  particularly  in  the 
early  part  of  the  action.  On  board  his  Majesty's  bomb,  Infernal,  one 
of  these  comfortable  articles  came  in,  through  Wallia  the  purser's  cabin, 
in  the  after  cock-pit,  and  having  bundled  a  shelf  full  of  books  on  the 
top  of  the  assistant  surgeon,  Jones,  who  was  lying  in  the  purserVcot, 
given  over  with  the  Gibraltar  fever,  it  rolled  across  into  the  opposite 
cabin,  and  was  there  got  into  a  bucket  of  wafer  by  the  gunner  and  some 
others  stationed  near  the  spot.  This  interesting  amusement  was  but 
just  concluded,  when  the  men  in  the  magazine,  the  door  to  which  was 
close  by,  heard  a  desperate  smash  among  the  powder  barrels,  and  were 
almost  covered  with  a  cloud  of  loose  dust  and  powder,  which  was 

thrown  all  ever  them.  Knowing  the  business  which  employed  the 
gunner  in  the  cock-pit,  but  just  the  moment  before,  they  naturally 
enough,  in  the  confusion  of  the  moment,  called  out  <o  him,  'A  red-hot 
shot  in  the  magazine  !'  and  were  rushing  out  ofit  to  oroulate  wider  the 
same  ory,  should  their  new  red-hot  acauaintance  permit  them,     ihe 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  S9 

ill  conaequenceB  of  tins  may  be  easily  conceived  ;  tlie  only  chance  for 
any  one  on  such  an  occasion  being-  to  jump  at  once  overboard.  The 
gunner  in  an  instant  saw  that  if  the  cry  was  false  it  was  folly  to  spread 
it,  and,  if  true,  it  was  useless.  He  flew  to  Ihe  magazine,  shoved  the 
fellows  hack  into  it,  ami  turned  the  key  on  them,  and  stood  there, 
with  his  hand  on  the  lock,  till  he  knew  all  danger  must  he  past;  ra- 
ther a  queerish  situation,  gentle  reader  !  The  chaps  were  afterwards 
a  little  laughed  at ;  for,  strange  to  say,  we  could  not  find  this  intruder 
on  their  equinimity  of  temper  any  where:  and  many  doubted  at  last 
if  any  shot  had  come  into  it  at  all.  To  be  sure  there  were  the  broken 
barrels  and  the  spilled  powder  in  favour  of  the  narrators  of  the  story; 
but  this  seemed  still  not  fully  to  convince  ;  for  even  the  worst  of  dan- 
gers generally  get  laughed  at  when  they  are  over,  by  our  happy-go- 
lucky  sons  of  Neptune.  When,  however,  she  came  to  return  her  pow- 
der into  store,  after  arriving-  in  the  Thames,  the  mystery  was  solved  ; 
it  was  then  found  that  the  said  shot  had  gone  through  four  barrels  of 
powder,  and  lodged  itself  very  comfortably  in  the  middle  of  a  fifth. 
The  gunner's  name  was  Coombs  ;  and  the  last  time  I  saw  thi3  man, 
who  had  shown  such  an  unexampled  presence  of  mind,  was  in  1824; 
he  was  then  mending  shoes  in  a  solitary  room  in  the  back  lanes  of 
Deptford,  to  help  out  a  precarious  existence: — "Sic  transit  gloria 
tnundi !"  ^  ^  w  x_^^-^_^_x-^^^^^^ 

A  CATCH  FROM  THE  GERMAN. 

Philemon  to  Mirandi  came 

With  tongue  in  wrath,  and  eyes  of  flame, 

And  loudly  cried, '  Restore 
My  lamb,  my  lute,  my  kerchief  rare , 
This  hour  we  part — by  Heaven  I  swear 

I'll  never  see  thee  more  !' 

'  'Tis  well,'  she  said — '  but  you  forget 
Some  little  g-ifts  of  yours,  my  pet : 

To  leave  them  out  were  sin ; 
I  will  restore  you,  one  by  one, 
Ten  thousand  kisses — and  that  done, 

You  may  walk  off. — Begin.' 


Perversion  of  Name. — Mr.  Salt,  the  African  traveller,  used 
to  tell  of  himself,  that  at  his  birth  his  father  meant  to  name  him 
Peter,  hut  a  friend  of  his  objected  to  this  name,  alleging  that  when 
he  went  to  school,  he  would  get  no  other  appellation  but  Saltpetre. 

"  What  are  the  chief  ends  of  man  ?"  asked  a  Sunday  School 
teacher  of  one  of  his  pupils.  "Head  and  feet,"  was  the  prompt 
reply. 


90  THE    BOOK   or 

Cheap  Substitute  for  Sugar.— The  lovely  Miss  Sligourney, 
of  Iioseville  Cottage,  smiles  with  such  exquisite  sweetness  as  to 
render  the  introduction  af  a  sugar-basin  unnecessary  at  the  largest 
tea-party.  The  glances  of  her  not  less  charming  sister,  Patience, 
have  been  known  to  penetrate  the  heart  of  the  bast  susceptible 
swains  at  the  range  of  an  ordinary  rifle. 


A  SERMON  ON  MALT. 

Mr.  Dodd  was  a  minister  who  lived  many  years  ago  a  few  miles 
from  Cambridge;  and  having  several  times  been  preaching  against 
drunkenness,  some  of  the  Cambridge  scholars  (conscience,  which 
is  sharper  than  a  thousand  witnesses,  being  their  monitor)  were 
very  much  offended,  and  thought  he  made  reflections  on  them. 
Some  little  time  after,  Mr.  Dodd  was  walking  towards  Cambridge, 
and  met  some  of  the  gownsmen,  who,  as  soon  as  they  saw  him  at 
a  distance,  resolved  to  make  some  ridicule  of  him.  As  soon  as  he 
came  up,  they  accosted  him  with  'Your  servant,  sir!'  he  replied, 
'Your  servant,  gentlemen.'  They  asked  him  it'  he  had  not  been 
preaching  very  much  against  drunkenness  of  late?  Lie  answered 
in  the  affirmative.  They  then  told  him  they  had  a  favour  to  beg 
of  him,  and  it  was  that  he  would  preach  a  sermon  to  them  there, 
from  a  text  they  should  choose.  He  argued  that  it  was  an  impo- 
sition, foi  a  man  ought  to  have  some  consideration  before  preach- 
ing. They  said  they  would  not  put  up  with  a  denial,  and  insisted 
upon  his  preaching  immediately  (in  a  hollow  tree  which  stood  1>\ 
the  road  side)  from  the  word  MALT.  He  then  began,  '  Beloved, 
let  me  crave  your  attention.  I  am  a  little  man — come  at  a  short 
notice — to  preach  a  short  sermon — from  a  short  text — to  a  thin 
congregation — in  an  unworthy  pulpit.  Beloved,  my  text  is  Malt, 
I  cannot  dh  ide  it  into  sentences,  there  being  none  ;  nor  into  words, 
there  being  but  one;  I  must  therefore,  of  necessity,  divide  it  into 
letters,  which  I  find  in  my  text  to  be  these  four — M.A.L.T, 

M,  is  Moral. 

A,  is  Allegorical. 

L,  is  Literal 

T,  is  i         gical. 

'  'I  he  Moral,  is  to  teach  you  rustics  good  manners  ;  therefore  M, 
my  Masters;    \,  Ml  of  you;  L,  Leave  off ;  T,  Tippling. 

'  TheAllej  rical  is,  when  one  thing  is  spoken  of,  and  another 
meant.  The  long  spoken  of  is  Malt;  the  thing  meant  is  the 
spirit  of  Mall  .  which  you  rustics  male,  M,  your  Meat;  A,  your 
Apparel ;  L,  your  Liberty  ;  and  T,  your  Trust. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  91 

'The  Literal  is,  according  to  the  letters;  M,  Much;  A,  Ale; 
L,  Little  ;  T,  Trust. 

'The  Theological  is  according  to  the  effects  it  works  in  some, 
M,  Murder;  in  others,  A,  Adultery  ;  in  all,  L,  Looseness  of  life; 
and,  in  many,  T,  Treachery. 

'  1  shall  conclude  the  subject,  First,  by  way  of  Exhortation.  M, 
My  Masters;  A,  All  of  you;  L,  Listen;  T,  To  my  Text.  Sec- 
ond, by  way  of  Caution.  M,  My  Masters;  A,  All  of  you;  L,  Look 
for;  T,  the  Truth.  Third,  by  way  of  Communicating  the  Truth, 
which  is  this:  A  Drunkard  is  the  annoyance  of  modesty  ;  the  spoil 
of  civility;  the  destruction  of  reason  ;  the  robber's  agent ;  the  ale- 
house's  benefactor ;  his  wife's  sorrow ;  his  children's  trouble ;  his 
own  shame  ;  his  neighbour's  scoff;  a  walking  swill-bowl ;  the  pic- 
ture of  a  beast ;  the  monster  of  a  man  " 


WOMAN'S  HEART. 

If  I  were  asked  what  most  my  soul  doth  prize 
Of  all  the  good  ^ifts  men  enjoy  below, 
Whether  from  Fortune  or  from  Fame  they  flow, 
My  answer  would  be  thus.     Not  wealth,  which  flies 
Away  from  those  who  hold  it  in  esteem, 

Nor  yet  the  honours  proud  place  hath  to  give : 
These  with  their  donor  changing  die  or  live. 
Notev'n  earth's  fairest  mountain,  vale,  or  stream, 
For  these  at  times  are  'neath  dark  winter's  g-loorn: 
Take  the  world's  pleasure,  and  its  loud  acclaim, 
Leave  me  but  this,  like  an  unsullied  name 
Which  wears  for  aye  the  self-same  hue  and  bloom— 
Xeed  I  the  secret  of  my  soul  impart  ? 
Be  witness,  ye  that  love,  'tis  woman's  heart. 


Vice- Versa. — As  a  canal-boat  was  passing  under  a  bridge,  the 
captain  gave  the  usual  warning  by  calling  aloud, '  Look  out !'  when 
a  little  Frenchman,  who  was  in  the  cabin,  obeyed  the  order  by 
popping  his  head  out  of  the  window,  which  received  a  severe  thump, 
by  coming  in  contact  with  a  pillar  of  the  bridge.  He  drew  it  back 
in  a  great  pet,  and  exclaimed,  'Dese  Amerikans  say,  'Lookout!' 
when  dey  mean  'Look  in!" 


"I  live  in  Julia's  eye,''  said  an  affected  dandy,  in  Coleman's 
hearing. — "  I  don't  wonder  at  it,"  replied  George,  "since  1  obser- 
ved she  had  a  stye  in  them  when  I  saw  her  last." 


92  THE  BOOK  or 

COLONEL  CROCKETT  IN  A  QUANDARY. 

1 1  never  but  once,'  said  the  Colonel, '  was  in  what  I  call  a  real 
genuine  quand-ary.  It  was  during  my  electioneering  campaign 
for  Congress  ;  at  which  time  I  strolled  about  in  the  woods  so  par- 
ticularly pestered  by  politics,  that  I  forgot  my  rifle.  Any  man 
may  forget  his  rifle,  you  know  ;  but  it  isn't  every  man  can  make 
amends  for  his  forgetfuluess  by  his  inventive  faculties,  I  guess. 
It  chanced  that  as  I  was  strolling  along,  considerable  deep  in  con- 
gressionals,  the  first  thing  that  took  my  attention  was  the  snarling 
of  some  young  bears,  which  proceeded  from  a  hollow  tree  ;  the  en- 
trance being  more  than  forty  feet  from  the  ground.  I  mounted 
the  tree  ;  but  I  soon  found  that  I  could  not  reach  the  cubs  with  my 
hands  ;  so  I  went,  feet  foremost,  to  see  if  I  could  draw  them  out 
with  my  toes.  I  hung  on,  at  the  top  of  the  hole,  straining  with 
all  my  might  to  reach  them,  until  at  last  my  hands  slipped,  and 
down  I  went  more  that  twenty  feet  to  the  bottom  of  that  black  hole, 
and  there  I  found  myself  almost  hip-deep  in  a  family  of  fine  young 
bears.  I  soon  found  that  I  might  as  well  undertake  to  climb  up 
the  greasiest  part  of  a  rainbow,  as  to  get  back,  the  hole  in  the  tree 
being  so  large,  and  its  sides  so  smooth  and  slippery  from  the  rain. 
Now  this  was  a  real,  genuine,  regular,  quand-ary  !  If  so  be  I  was 
to  shout,  it  would  have  been  doubtful  whether  they  would  hear  me 
at  the  settlement ;  and  if  they  did  hear  me,  the  story  would  ruin 
my  election  ;  for  they  were  a  quantity  too  'cute  to  vote  for  a  man 
that  had  ventured  into  a  place  that  he  couldn't  get  himself  out  of. 
Well  now,  while  I  was  calculating  whether  it  was  best  to  shout  for 
help,  or  to  wait  in  the  hole  until  after  the  election,  1  heard  a  kind 
of  fumbling  and  grumbling  over  head  ;  and  looking  up,  1  saw  the 
old  bear  coming  down  stern  foremost  upon  me.  My  motto  is-  al- 
ways l  gn-a-head  '.'  and  as  soon  as  she  had  lowered  herself  within 
my  reach,  I  got  a  tight  grip  of  her  tail  in  my  left  hand,  and  with 
my  little  buck-horn-hatted  peuknife  in  the  other,  I  commenced 
spurring  her  forward.  I'll  be  shot  if  ever  member  of  Congress 
rose  quicker  in  the  world  than  I  did  !  She  took  me  out  in  the  shake 
of  a  lamb's  tail.' 


LOQUACITY. 

Men  are  born  with  hm  eves,  but  with  one  tongue,  in  order  that 
they  should  see  twice  as  much  as  they  say  ;  but,  from  th<  u  conduct, 
one  would  suppose  that  they  were  born  with  two  tongues,  and  oik; 
eye,  for  those  talk  the  most  who  have  observed  the  least,  and  ob- 
trude their  remarks  upon  every  thing,  who  have  seen  into  nothing. 


TVS   AND   AMUSEMENT.  03 

THE  BROWN  BEAR. 

On  the  26th  May,  1828,  a  son  of  Mr.  Adam  Millar,  about  sev- 
enteen years  of  age,  of  Troy  township,  near  Cleveland,  Ohio, 
America,  had  occasion  to  pass  through  a  part  of  a  wood,  which  ex- 
tended about  four  miles.  Having  proceeded  about  a  mile,  he  dis- 
covered at  a  short  distance  a  bear  and  three  cubs.  Being-  entirely 
destitute  of  weapons  of  defence,  he  tried  to  frighten  them  off  by 
hallooing  ;  but  the  old  bear  immediately  made  towards  him,  and 
he  sprang  to  a  sapling,  about  ten  inches  in  diameter,  and  free  of 
limbs  to  the  height  of  forty  feet.  This  he  ascended,  and  the  bear 
followed.  At  the  height  often  or  twelve  feet  she  was  so  near  as 
to  receive  a  kick,  and  she  slipped  to  the  bottom.  She  immediately 
reascended,  while  he  exerted  himself  to  climb  beyond  her  reach  ; 
but  she  again  overtook  him,  and  as  he  kicked  at  her,  she  tore  his 
right  foot  badly,  took  off  his  shoe,  and  then  fell  to  the  ground. 
She  then  followed  him  up  the  third  time,  and  fell  without  doing 
him  any  injury.  He  had  now  ascended  the  sapling  about  twenty 
feet ;  but  the  old  bear  was  soon  at  his  heels  the  fourth  time,  caught 
his  left  foot,  and  both  fell  together.  On  reaching  the  ground,  the 
bear  started  from  him  about  a  rod,  when  he  recovered  and  ran  ; 
she  followed  thirty  or  forty  rods,  and  gave  up  the  chase,  and  the 
young  man  reached  home  in  safety. 


KISSING  IN  AMERICA. 

When  a  wild  spark  attempts  to  steal  a  kiss  from  a  Nantucket 
girl,  she  says,  '  Come,  sheer  off,  or  I'll  split  your  mainsail  with  a 
typhoon.'  The  Boston  girls  hold  still  until  they  are  well  kissed, 
when  they  fire  up  all  at  once,  and  say,  '  I  think  you  ought  to  he 
ashamed.'  When  a  young  chap  steals  a  kiss  from  an  Albany  girl, 
she  says,  '  I  reckon  it's  my  turn  now,'  and  gives  him  a  box  on  the 
ear  he  don't  forget  in  a  week.  When  a  clever  fellow  steals  a  kiss 
from  a  Lousiana  girl,  she  smiles,  blushes  deeply,  and  says— no- 
thing. In  Pennsylvania,  when  a  female  is  saluted  with  a  buss,  she 
puts  on  her  bonnet  and  shawl,  and  answereth  thus: — '  I  am  as- 
tonished at  thy  assurance,  Jedidiah  ;  for  this  indignity  I  will  show 
thee  up."  The  ladies  of  Bungtown,  however,  are  so  fond  of  kis- 
sing, that  when  saluted  on  one  cheek,  they  instantly  present  the 
other. 


A  lady  in  the  Zoological  Gardens  being  asked  why  she  so  close- 
ly scanned  the  elephant  with  her  opera-glass,  replied,  "that  she 
was  looking  for  the  key -hole  to  his  trunk." 


94  THE    BOOK    OF 

Advice  to  Daughters. — The  Count  de  Grammont  had  two 
daughters;  one  fat,  and  the  other  lean.  The  countess,  his  wife, 
begged  him  to  write  to  them,  and  pressed  him  so  much,  that, 
yielding  to  her  importunity,  he  took  the  pen  and  wrote  to  the  first, 
'My  daughter,  get  lean  ;'  and  to  the  other,  '  My  daughter,  get  fat  * 
and  no  more.  The  countess,  seeing  him  seal  his  letters,  was  sur- 
prised that  he  had  so  soon  done  ;  but  the  count  said,  '  they  have 
only  to  follow  the  advice  I  now  send  them  to  do  well.' 


A  BLACK  JOKE. 

One  day  at  Bradford,  as  a  young  sweep  was  carrying  a  bag  of 
soot  upon  his  back,  the  produce  of  three  chimneys,  an  old  dame 
(whose  eye-sight  was  rather  dimmed  with  years)  exclaimed  on 
passing  him,  "Ha!  wot  hard-hearted  maisters  there  iz  it  wurld 
na-a-daize,  ta  be  sewar ;  nobbat  look,  eze  laodand  that  poor  lad 
wal  iz  black  it  faice. 


PIOUS  FRAUDS; 
OR,  THE  KNIGHT  AND  THE  FRIAR. 

A  Monk  was  standing  at  a  convent  gate, 
With  sanctimonious  phiz,  and  shaven  pate, 

Promising,  with  solemn  cant, 

To  all  that  listen'd  to  his  rant, 
A  full  and  perfect  absolution, 

With  half  a-dozen  hallowed  benedictions, 
If  they  would  give  some  contribution, 
Some  large  donation  supererogatory, 

To  ransom  fifty  murder' d  christians, 
And  free  their  precious  souls  from  purgatory . 

When  (he  asserted)  they  would  gain 

A  passport  from  the  realms  of  pain. 
Ami  find  a  speedy  passage  to  the  skies. 
A  knight  was  riding  by,  and  heard  these  lies: 
He  8to])])'d  his  horse,  '  Salve]  the  parson  cried 
And  '  Benedicite,'  the  youth  replied. 

'  Most  reverend  father,'  quoth  the  knight, 

Who,  it  appears,  was  sharp  and  witty, 

'These  martyr'd  christians1  wretched  plight, 

Believe  me,  I  sincerely  pity ; 

Nay,  mon — their  Bufferings  to  relieve, 

I  will  these  litiy  ducats  give.1 

Tbifl  was  ii(i  sooner  said  than  done; 
The  priest  pronoune'd  his  benison. 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  05 

'Now,  I  presume, '  the  soldier  said, 

'The  spirits  of  these  christians  dead, 

Have  reach' d  their  final  place  of  rest?' 

'  Most  true,'  replied  the  rev*rend  friar, 

'(Unless  Saint  Francis  is  a  liar;) 

And  to  reward  the  pious  action 

Of  this  most  christian  benefaction, 
You  will,  no  doubt,  eternally  be  blest.' 

'  Well,  then,'  exclaimed  the  soldier-youth, 

'  If  what  you  say  indeed  be  truth, 

And  these  same  pieces  that  I've  given, 
Have  snatch'd  their  souls  from  purgatory's  pains, 

And  bought  them  a  snug  place  in  heaven, 
No  further  use  for  them  remains.' 

He  said  thus  much,  to  prove,  at  least, 

He  was  as  cunning  as  the  priest : 

Then,  put  the  ducats  in  his  poke, 

And  rode  off,  laughing  at  the  joke. 


RULING  PASSION  STRONG  IN  DEATH. 

A  late  German  newspaper  related  the  following  anecdote  : — In 
an  imperial  city,  lately,  a  criminal  was  condemned  to  be  beheaded, 
who  had  a  singular  itching  to  play  at  nine-pins.  While  his  sen- 
tence was  pronouncing,  he  had  the  temerity  to  offer  a  request  to 
be  permitted  once  more  to  play  at  his  favourite  game  at  the  place 
of  execution,  and  then,  he  said,  he  would  submit  without  a  mur- 
mur. As  the  last  prayer  of  a  dying  man,  his  request  was  granted. 
When  arrived  at  the  solemn  spot,  he  found  every  thing  prepared, 
the  pins  being  set  up  and  the  bowl  being  ready.  He  played  with 
no  little  earnestness,  but  the  sheriff  at  length,  seeing  that  he  showed 
no  inclination  to  desist,  privately  ordered  the  executioner  to  strike 
the  fatal  blow  as  he  stooped  for  the  bowl.  The  executioner  did  so, 
and  the  head  dropped  into  the  culprit's  hand,  as  he  raised  himself 
to  see  what  had  occurred.  He  immediately  aimed  at  the  nine, 
conceiving  it  was  the  bowl  which  he  grasped.  All  nine  falling, 
the  head  loudly  exclaimed,  'Well,  I  have  won  the  game.' — This 
reminds  us  of  a  story  which  has  been  told  in  proof  of  the  amazing 
dexterity  of  the  German  executioners  in  catling  off  heads  with  the 
sabre.  A  culprit  being  bound  and  prepared  for  the  blow,  and  not 
feeling  it  when  it  came,  coolly  asked  the  man  what  hindered  him, 
since  the  signal  had  been  duly  given.  '  Shake  yourself,'  said  the 
executioner;  and  on  the  criminal  doing  so,  his  head,  which  had 
been  severed  but  not  displaced,  tumbled  on  the  scaffold. — Cham- 
bers' Journal. 


96  THE  BOOK   OF 

MY  FIRST  KISS. 

I  fell  in  love  with  the  beautiful  Catharine  Barin.  I  had  seen 
her  at  the  School  Carnival,  and  her  beauty  had  entranced  me. — 
On  a  winter  evening,  when  my  Princess's  collection  of  sweet  gifts 
was  prepared,  that  needed  only  a  receiver,  the  pastor's  son  per- 
suaded me,  when  a  visit  from  the  chaplain  occupied  my  father, 
to  leave  the  parsonage  while  it  was  dark,  and  venture  into  the 
house  where  the  beloved  dwelt  with  her  poor  grandmother  up  in  a 
little  corner  chamber.  We  entered  a  little  alehouse  underneath. 
Whether  Cathariue  happened  to  be  there,  or  whether  the  rascal, 
under  the  pretence  of  a  message,  allured  her  down,  or  how  1  found 
her  there,  has  become  only  a  dreamy  recollection  ;  for  the  sudden 
lightning  of  the  present  darkened  all  that  went  behind.  As  vio- 
lently as  if  1  had  been  a  robber,  I  first  pressed  upon  her  my  present 
of  sweetmeats,  and  then  I,  who  in  Joditz  never  could  reach  the 
heaven  of  a  first  kiss,  and  never  even  dared  to  touch  the  beloved 
hand,  I  for  the  first  time  held  a  beloved  being  upon  my  heart  and 
lips.  I  have  nothing  further  to  say,  but  that  it  was  the  one  pearl 
of  a  minute,  that  was  never  repeated,  a  whole  longing  past  and  a 
dreaming  future  were  united  in  one  moment,  and  in  the  darkness 
behind  my  closed  eyes  the  fireworks  of  a  whole  life  were  evolved 
in  a  glance.  Ah  !  I  have  never  forgotten  it— the  delicious — the 
heart-thrilling— the  ineffaceable  moment! — Jean  Paul F.  Riehter. 


Humid  seal  of  soft  affection  ! 
Tenderest  pledg-e  of  future  bliss ! 
Dearest  tie  of  younp:  connection  ! 
Love's  first  snow-drop — Virgin  Kiss! 

Speaking  silence — dumb  confession — 
Passion's  birth — but  infant's  play — 
Dove-like  fondness — chaste  concession- 
Glowing-  dawn  of  brighter  day  ! 

Sorrowing  joy — adieu's  last  action, 
While  lingering  lips  no  more  may  join — 
What  words  can  . -ver  speak  affection, 
So  thrilling — so  sincere — as  thine. 


A  Qualification.— A  merchant,  lately  advertising  for  a  clerk 
•  who  could  bear  confinement,'  received  an  answer  from  one  who 
had  been  seven  years  in  gaol. 

A  lady,  given  to  tattle,  says  she  never  tells  anything  only  lotWO 
e    of  people— those  who  ask  her,  and  (hose  who  don't. 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  97 

*  Doctor,'  said  a  sick  man  pce\  ishly  to  his  physician,' you  have 
been  dosing  nic  and  plaguing  me  this  long  time,  and  it's  all  of  no 
use  ;  do  take  the  matter  vigorously  in  hand  ;  let  us  go  to  the  root 
of  the  evil,  and  get  rid  of  it  all  at  once.'  'I  will  do  it  atone  stroke!' 
replied  the  doctor,  raising  his  stick  and  smashing  the  brandy  bottle 
which  stood  on  a  side  table  near  his  patient. 


The  late  Mr.  Jarvy  Bush  amused  us  once  with  a  story  told  of 
a  brother  barrister  on  the  Leicester  circuit.  As  the  coach  was 
about  smarting  alter  breakfast,  the  modest  limb  of  the  law  ap- 
proached the  landlady,  a  pretty  Quakeress,  who  was  seated  behind 
the  bar,  and  said  he  could  not  think  of  going  without  giving  her  a 
kiss.  'Friend,'  said  she,  'thee  must  not  do  it.'  '  Oh,  by  heavens, 
I  will !'  replied  the  barrister.  '  Well,  friend,  as  thou  hast  sworn, 
thee  may  do  it;  but  thee  must  not  make  a  practice  of  it.' 

Wisdom. — If  thou  hast  a  loitering  servant,  send  him  on  thine 
errand  just  before  his  dinner. 

CHRONICLES  OF  RATION  ROW,  HALIFAX. 

BY  JOHNNY  PUDDING-KNOB,  ESQ. 

Michael  Burncrust  was  a  very  pious  man.  He  had  a  pa- 
per in  his  window, '  Rumps  and  Burrs  sold  here,  and  baked  Sheep's- 
heads  will  be  continued  every  night,  if  the  Lord  permit.'  In  an- 
other window  he  had,  'Tripe  and  Cow-heels  sold  here,  as  usual, 
except  on  the  Lord's  day,  which  the  Lord  help  me  to  keep  holy. 
Amen.'  After  all,  this  good  man  was  persecuted,  some  people 
calling  him  an  arrant  hypocrite.  He  died  among  his  tripes,  &c, 
deeply  regretted  by  those  persons  to  whom  he  stood  in  debt.         1634. 

Reuben  Ferretty.  He  was  a  very  useful  member  of  society, 
as  his  sign  indicated; — 'Reuben  Ferretty,  by  God's  grace  and 
mercy,  kills  rats,  moles,  and  all  sorts  of  vermin  and  venomous 
creatures.'     He  went  to  his  long  home —  1638. 

Simon  Snoddy.  This  was  a  real  good  old  puritan,  and  he 
dressed  like  one.  But  his  neighbours  judged  him  to  be  rather  over- 
righteous  ;  for  it  was  said,  that  he  once  staved  a  barrel  of  beer 
in  his  cellar,  be  auae  he  detected  it  working  on  the  sabbath  day. 
He  also  kept  a  quantity  of  fowls,  and  every  Saturday  night  he 
made  it  a  point  of  conscience  of  tying  together  the  legs  of  every 
c  ick  he  had,  in  order  to  prevent  them  from  breaking  the  Sabbath, 
by  gallanting  the  hens  on  Sunday  ;  just  as  Dr.  Cantwell  used  to 
do  by  bis  Turkey-cocks.  He  was  full  of  6anctity  to  the  last,  and 
died  leaving  behind  him  a  few  like  him —  1646. 


98  THE   BOOK   OF 

Dr.  David  LUPIN  was  a  noted  Water-caster.  He  was  also  tho 
inventor  of  Spiritus  Urinus,  Essence  of  Mite-born  Shavings,  and 
the  Tincture  of  Midge-tail  Clippings.  The  celebrated  Doctor 
Hornbook  used  these  medicines  with  very  extensive  success  in 
Scotland,  and  therefore  Burns  has  immortalized  him.  Dr.  Lupin 
had  a  very  ingenious  way  of  ascertaining  the  prognosis  and  the 
diagnosis  of  diseases,  viz.,  by  skilful  water  casting.  Every  patient 
brought  to  him  a  bottle  of  their  own  aqua,  and  by  a  mere  inspec- 
tion of  it,  he  could  tell  all  their  ailments,  at  least  he  pretended  to 
do  so  ;  for  old  Timothy  Cittern  one  day  discovered  how  it  was 
done  ;  but  Timothy  was  bribed  to  quietness.  He  had  a  partition 
on  one  side  of  the  outer  room,  into  which,  when  a  patient  came 
into  the  outer  room,  he  entered  from  bis  own,  to  listen,  while  his 
wife  wheedled  all  their  ailings  out  of  them.  She  would  say, 
'  Please  take  a  seat ;  my  dear  Doctor  is  busy  with  a  gentleman 
just  now.  How  long  have  you  been  ill  1  Have  you  much  fever?  I 
suppose  you  have  not  much  appetite  ?  Do  not  rest  well  ?  Where 
have  you  pain  ?  &c.'  All  this  Lupin  heard  ;  so  when  a  patient 
entered  his  room,  and  presented  his  bottle,  he  said,  'This  is  your 

water,  I  suppose  ;  very  bad,  you  ail  so  and  so.' In  the  latter 

part  of  his  life  he  discovered  the  art  of  gilding  a  pill  with  sugar, 
and  after  accumulating  much  wealth,  he  was  choked  while  eating 
a  humbug.     He  left  many  successors. —  1659. 

Jacob  Bellum.  He  lived  to  a  very  long  age,  and  accounted 
himself  the  first  bell-ringer  in  the  land  ;  he  studied  the  art  both 
soon  and  late.  'Tis  said  he  once  went  to  the  North  Pole,  and  dis- 
covered that  sound  there  was  two  degrees  and  three  quarters 
sweeter  than  in  his  own  town,  which  he  guessed  was  owing  to  the 
absence  of  smoke  and  the  presence  of  great  frost.  The  Bells  of 
the  steeple  were  always  in  tune  under  his  management,  but  he 
could  never  manage  his  own  Belle  at  home,  his  wife,  who  had  a 
terrible  clapper  of  a  tongue,  which  went  ding,  dong,  and  never 
stopped  from  morn  to  night,  which  frequently  drove  Jaccb  to  the 
alehouse.  But  this  belle,  to  his  great  joy,  at  last  gave  over  ring- 
ing ;  the  rope  brake,  aud  so  did  his  six  years  afterwards,  in  1G61. 

Samuel  Marvel.  This  was  a  very  wonderful  genius.  When 
half-a-year  old  he  could  wink  with  one  eye,  and  crow  like  a  cock. 
At  12  months  of  age,  he  could  whip  a  top,  suck  a  comfit,  and  say 
cuckoo.  As  he  grew  up  to  maturity  he  developed  the  splendour 
of  his  genius,  by  discovering  that  ;in  old  maid's  knees  and  a  dog's 
nose  have  the  same  temperature,  lie  also  invented  an  octagonal 
grindstone,  which  caused  great  excitement  among  nan  of  science. 
As  he  was  more  anxious  for  scientific  celebrity  than  for  wealth, 
he  studied  hard  and  shortened  his  days.  His  last  great  work  was 
a  six-room  mouse-trap  with  a  tiy  wheel  to  it.  His  breath  left  him,  I  672. 

Ezka  Shaveling.  He  was  a  celebrated  Mechanic.  When 
three  rears  old  he  had  discovered  how  to  blow  a  bladder  up.  When 


FTJN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  99 

a  man  he  invented  a  pair  of  bellows  with  two  spouts,  a  stone  rol- 
ling pin,  and  a  mahogany  case  for  a  deal  wheelbarrow.  Unfor- 
tunately he  lost  his  life  on  the  first  day  of  November,  by  falling: 
from  the  church  tower,  which  he  had  ascended  for  the  purpose  of 
thrusting;  a  pole  through  the  middle  of  the  moon.  His  descen- 
dants have  since  been  called  'the  chimerical.'  1684 

Tolemy  Shoesjiith.  He  was  a  very  great  astrologer,  and 
was  educated  at  Brazennose  College.  Folks  came  far  and  near 
to  have  their  planets  ruled,  and  their  fortunes  foretold.  lie  also 
practised  surgery.  It  was  he  who  discovered  that  an  empty  ex- 
chequer was  the  cause  of  cramp  in  the  pocket,  and  that  the  best 
cure  for  it  was  a  good  supply  of  the  precious  metals.  Once  when 
botanizing  in  a  wood  he  found  a  hobgoblin's  nest  with  three  young 
uns  in.  He  was  so  great  an  astrologer  that  he  could  tell  every 
body's  fortune  but  his  own.  He  extracted  a  vast  deal  of  money 
from  the  pockets  of  old  maids,  and  other  gentlefolks.  His  death, 
which  he  could  not  foretell,  happened  when  he  did  not  want  it, 
and  when  he  did  not  expect  it —  1690. 

%*  His  posterity  have  carried  on  his  system  ever  since  at  Folly 
Hall,  where  they  dupe  hundreds.  He  was  related  to  Old  Moore,  and 
to  the  ancestors  of  Raphael  and  Zadkiel,  and  was  very  intimate  with 
Lily  and  Sibly,  the  founders  of  Humbug  College. 


A  Methodist  and  a  Quaker  were  travelling  in  company,  when 
the  Quaker  reproved  the  Methodist  for  their  boisterous  manner  of 
worship.  "  Why,"  said  he,  "  we  can  take  more  pleasure  in  our  pri- 
vate rooms  of  meditation,  where  we  think  of  nothing  worldly  during 
our  stay."  "  Sir,"  said  the  Methodist,  "if  you  will  take  a  private 
room,  stay  one  hour,  and  when  you  return,  say  that  you  have 
thought  of  nothing  worldly,  I  will  give  you  my  horse,"  which  pro- 
posal was  accepted.  After  the  time  had  expired,  his  friend  asked 
him  if  he  claimed  the  horse.  "  Why, "  said  he,  "  I  could  not  help 
thinking  what  I  should  do  for  a  bridle  to  ride  him  home  with." 


Beer  V.  Bear. — The  following  sign  was  over  the  door  of  an 
ale-house:  'table  dear  sold  hear.'  A  wag  made  the  remark, 
that  the  bear  must  be  the  person's  own  bruin. 


The  Sublime  and  Ridiculous.— '  Woman  is  most  beautiful 
when  in  tears,  like  a  rose  wet  with  the  crystal  dew.' — Mobile  Ex- 
aminer. '  We  suppose  the  editor  of  the  '  Examiner'  whips  his 
wile  every  Sunday,  to  make  her  look  beautiful.' 


100  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  MARRYING  MAN. 

Never  warn  nie,  my  dear,  to  take  care  of  my  heart, 
When  I  dance  with  yon  Lancer,  so  fickle  and  smart; 
What  phantoms  the  mind  of  eighteen  can  create, 
That  boast  not  a  charm  at  discreet  twenty-eight , 
A  partner,  'tis  true,  I  would  gladly  command, 
But  that  partner  must  boast  of  wealth,  houses,  and  land  , 
I  have  looked  round  the  ball-room,  and,  try  what  I  can, 
I  fail  to  discover  one  Marrying  Man  ! 

Time  was,  in  the  pride  of  my  girlhood's  bright  dawn, 

All  but  talented  men  I  regarded  with  scorn, 

Wits,  authors,  and  artists,  then  beaued  me  about, 

Who  might  each  have  pass'd  muster  at  Lady  Cork's  rout ; 

In  duetts,  I  had  always  a  second  well  skilled  ; 

My  album  with  sonnets  and  sketches  was  filled  ; 

1  went  on  the  brisk  'march  of  intellect'  plan, 

But  the  'march'  countermands  ev'ry  Marrying  Man! 

How  oft,  when  mamma  would  sage  counsels  impart, 
Have  I  pouted  and  wept  at  her  hardness  of  heart; 
She  cared  not  for  genius— her  idol  was  pelf; 
Now  I've  grown  just  as  icy  and  hard  as  herself. 
Alike  I  am  rock  to  the  handsome  and  wise, 
To  wit  and  to  waltzing,  to  singing  and  sighs, 
Nay,  Phoebus  himself  would  come  under  my  ban, 
For  he  certainly  is  not  a  Marrying  Man  ! 

Finding  London  a  failure,  I  varied  my  path, 
I  'took  tea'  with  the  painted  old  ladies  of  Bath  ; 
At  Hastings,  the  hills  laboured  panting  to  reach ; 
At  Ramsgate,  sat  out  with  a  book  on  the  beach  ; 
At  Cheltenham,  walk'd  to  the  band's  matin  sound  ; 
At  Brighton,  'missed  aim'  on  the  archery  ground  ! 
Through  each  place  pointed  out  by  the  'Guide'  I  have  ran, 
But  the  guide  would  not  point  to  one  Marrying  Man  ! 

That  object  seems  still  the  philosopher's  stone, 
Another  'ninth  statue,'  a  new  'Great  Unknown  ;' 
I  have  tried  all  the  schemes  and  manoeuvres  of  old, 
And  must  strike  out  some  measure  decisive  and  bold. 
I'll  try  a  deep  plan  in  the  diving  bell  Boon, 
Or,  with  Green's  assistance,  I'll  visit  the  moon; 
Yes,  yes— sure  the  last's  an  infallible  plan, 
If  the  'Man  in  the  Moon*  be — A  M  Alt  in  ino  Man  ! 


To  Those  Seeking  Employment.—'  Wanted,  an  able-bodied 

Irishman  t<>  hold  my  wiles  tongue— she  and  1  both  being  unable 
to  keep  it  quiet." 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 

FUN  FOR  EVENING  PARTIES. 


101 


^"  Close  your  eyes,  and  place  the  point  of  a  pin  on  tlie  follow- 
ing Table  of  Figures,  repeating  to  yourself: — '  Guide  my  hand,  O 
my  riding  planet !'  Then  look  for  the  corresponding  figures  in 
'Character  of  your  future  Husband,  or  Wife.' 

46     53     36     19     41      11     31      12     24     50     64     45     15     10 
47     61     20     14     38     16     27     18     51     21     32     23      4 

6      22     25     29      7      17     28      9      30      3      43     40     55      2 
33     39     56     48      8      44     37      1      35     58     34     57     26 

68     49     52     60      5      68     42     67     62     67     59     65     54     63 
13     (>6     47     60     70     69     71 

CHARACTER  OF  YOUR  FUTURE  HUSBAND. 


1  Tall  and  handsome. 

2  Remarkably  tat  arid  clumsy,  a 
great  load. 

3  A  great  eater. 

4  Very  amiable  in  temper. 

5  Rather  lustful. 

6  Very  penurious. 

7  A  real  gentleman. 

8  A  great  skin-flint. 

9  One  who  will  idolize  you. 

10  A  wealthy  man. 

11  One  who  will  kiss  you  to  the 
tune  of  13  to  the  dozen. 

12  One  given  to  wenching. 

13  A  soft  imbecile. 

14  Rather  deformed  in  the  legs. 

15  A  good  moral  man. 

1  0  A  clerical  gentleman. 

17  A  great  sot. 

18  A  beautiful  man,  and  good. 

19  A  benevolent  person,  who  will 
love  you. 

20  A  quack  doeter. 

21  One  who  will  love  you  through 
life. 

22  A   hump  back,  or  'mountain 
in  misery. ' 

23  A  clever  and  worthy  trades- 
man. 

24  A  man  of  fine  taste. 


25  A  person  of  low  occupation. 

26  A  man  kind,  indulgent. 

27  One  who  will  incessantly  love 
you,  day  and  night. 

28  Would  be  handsome  if  he  did 
not  squint. 

29  Florid   complexion,   beautiful 
eyes. 

30  A  merchant — a  dignified  fig- 
ure. 

31  A  warm-hearted  sailor. 

32  A  good    fellow,    bur   lost   his 
teeth. 

33  So  good  that  all  will  envy  you. 

34  A  military  character. 

35  One  whom  you  will  have  to 
nurse. 

3C  One  whose  passions  are  very 
frigid — no  steam  there. 

37  A  very  pious  character. 

38  A  great  sloven,   fond   of  his 
glass. 

39  One  whom  you  may  govern. 

40  A  man  who  will  keep  his  purse 
closed. 

4 1  A  cross  waspish  fellow. 

42  Raid  and  venerable. 

43  One  with  a  brilliant  genius. 

44  A   beardless   boy,  whom  you 
will  have  to  curb. 


102 


THE    BOOK   OF 


4ft  One  very  fond  of  literature. 
4G  Very  tall,  and  small  as  a  whip- 
ping post. 

47  A  stale  Bachelor,  who  has  long- 
wanted  a  mate. 

48  One  always  refused. 

40  A  loving  and  faithful  man. 

50  One  with  a  painted  face, 

51  A  sweet  husband  and  loving- 
father. 

52  One  who  will  study  your  inter- 
est at  all  times. 

53  A  widower  with  three  fine 
girls,  and  four  rough  boys, 
with  a  moderate  income. 

54  A  young  boy,  with  very  pre- 
cocious talent  for  wedlock. 

55  A  man  of  commanding  in- 
fluence. 

6G  A  widower  with  grey  hairs. 


57  A  good  honest  soul,  very  fa- 
therly. 

58  One   who    will  ardently    love 
you  during  honey  moon,  but 

—  wither  away  afterwards. 

59  A  merry-andrew. 

60  A  country  bumpkin, 
(il   A  man  worth  nothing. 
('•2  A  common  spendthrift. 
63  A  good  husband. 

04  A  clandestine  marriage  with  a 

horse  jockey. 
65  A  petfy-fogging  lawyer. 

06  A  traveller. 

07  One  universally  admired. 

58  One  who  will  do  good  to  all 
around  him. 

69  A  dutiful  husband,  but  very 
simple. 

70  A  precise  quaker. 

71  Will  weep  it'  you  chide  him. 


CHARACTER  OF  YOUR  FUTURE  WIFE 
16 


1  A  lady  of  good  birth. 

2  One  rather  advanced  in  years, 
who  will  be  very  motherly  to 
you. 

3  Very  handsome,  but  rather 
deaf. 

4  A  fine  rosy  girl. 

5  A  buxom  widow. 

G  One  rejected  by  all  but  your- 
self. 

7  An  accomplished  female. 

8  A  robust  vulgar  lass, 
'.i   A  high  spirited  dame. 

10  Good  lady,  but  bow-legged. 

1 1  A  model  of  goodness. 

12  O  that  sweet  face,  and  amiable 
mind. 

13  A  nal  termagant,   who  will 
now  and  then  Imte  you. 

14  A  poor  partner  ever  willing  to 
beguidi  d  by  you. 

15A  j-'oixl  nurse,  whom  you  will 
r(  quire. 


One  who  will  always  have  the 
last  word. 

17  Atfable  and  kind,  a  soother  in 
sorrow. 

18  Mrs,  Caudle,  an  able  Curtain 
Lecturer. 

19  A  regular  scold. 

"0  Amiable  and  sympathetic. 

21  A  fruitful  vine,  13  as  12. 

22  Contour   of  the    countenance 
good,  but  the  eyes  odd. 

21!  Quality  pretty  good,  but  quan- 
tity very  limited. 

24  Has  trifled  with  all  her  suitors, 
and  at  last  taken  to  you. 

25  Twins  every  2\  years. 

26  Very    extravagant,    and    will 
defy  you. 

27  One  who  will  strive  to  uh  ase 
you. 

28  A  very  pious  lady. 

29  One  who  ought  to  be  boarded 
at  Draper's  Shops. 

30  One  very  intellectual. 


II   N    AND    AMUSKMKNT. 


10.3 


31  A  real  Dorcas,  loving  charit- 
able deeds. 

32  The  lady  will  patronize  Gin. 

33  Very  economical,  and  to  be 
trusted. 

34  She  will  run  you  into  debt. 
85  Would    be    handsome    if    the 

squint  was  not  so  extremely 
bad,  lucking-  three  ways  at 
once. 

36  Very  pretty,  but  likely  to  have 
a  beard. 

37  Very  modest  but  neat. 

38  One  who  has  a  gray  hair  here 
and  there,  snows  of  age  ap- 
proximating. 

39  A  real  gossip — not  keeping  at 
home. 

40  A  help-meet  for  you  in  every 
respect. 

41  Fond  of  having  parties,  and 
going  to  parties. 

42  A  good  wife,  an  affectionate 
mother. 

43  You  will  have  to  dwell  in  ste- 
rile regions. 

44  A  bad  wife  and  bad  children. 

45  She  will  love  you  in  adversity 
as  well  as  in  prosperity. 

46  You  will  ardently  love  her — 
beautiful  children. 


47  One  young  enough  to  be  your 
daughter. 

48  High  in  wisdom,  sweet  in  con- 
verse. 

49  A  lady  of  fortune,  not  haughty. 

50  Old  enough  to  be  your  mother. 

51  She  will   esteem   you    as    her 
chief  temporal  good. 

52  You  will  be  a  cuckold. 

53  Slovenly  and  dirty. 

54  A  scold,  bad  tempered. 

55  An  angel  in  disguise. 

56  She  will  desert  you  and  your 
large  family. 

57  You  will  always  have  cause  to 
love  her. 

58  A  Fury  ! — woe  be  to  you. 

59  A  ministering    angel   to   you 
when  in  trouble. 

60  Fat  and  ugly. 

61  A  good  wife. 

02  Altogether  unmanageable. 

63  A  quakeress. 

64  A  regular  dolly. 

65  An  authoress. 

66  One  from  a  foreign  land. 

67  Your  housemaid. 

68  A  black  woman. 

69  One  too  many  for  you. 

70  A  real  christian. 

71  Faithful  to  death. 


A  DELICIOUS  DOMESTIC  SCENE. 

Inquiring  Young  Lady  :  Oh  dear,  do  tell  me  how  Charles  de- 
clared his  love. 

Expectant  Wife :  Well,  Fanny,  we  were  in  the  parlour,  you 
know,  and  all  at  once  he  turned  up  his  eyes,  so  that  I  thought  he 
was  ill.  Then  he  turned  'em  down,  and  squeezed  my  hand,  and 
asked  me  if  I'd  have  him — and — and — 

Inquiring  Young  Lady  :  Well,  dear  ;  well,  what  did  he  do  next  ? 

Expectant  Wife:  Nothing,  dear;  but  I  said  "  yes,"  and,  graci- 
ous how  he  kissed  me.  Then,  dear,  I  laid  my  hand  on  his  shoulder, 
and  then  we  talked,  dear.  Oh,  how  I  trembled.  I  thought  I 
never  could  go  through  it. 


10  i  THE  book;  of 

A  gentleman  complaining  to  his  bootmaker  that  a  pair  of  boots 
recently  sent  were  too  short,  and  that  he  wanted  a  pair  to  cover  the 
whole  calf,  had  the  following^cw  d'esprit  sent  to  him: — 

These  boots  were  never  made  for  me, 

They  are  too  short  by  half; 
I  want  them  long  enough,  d'ye  see, 

To  cover  all  the  calf. 

Why,  Sir,  said  Last,  with  stifled  smile, 

To  alter  them  I'll  try ; 
But  if  they  cover  all  the  calf, 

They  must  be  five  feet  high. 


THE  FRENCHMAN  AT  HIS  STUDIES. 

Frenchman  : — Ha,  my  good  friend,  I  have  met  with  one  difficulty 
—one  very  strange  word.  How  do  you  call  h-o-u-g-h  ?   Tutor — Huff. 

F. — Tres  bien,  huff;  and  snuff  you  spell  s-n-o-u-g-h,  ha  ?  T. — 
Oh,  no,  no  ;  snuff  is  s-n-u  double  f.  The  fact  is,  words  ending  in  ough 
are  a  little  irregular. 

F. — Ah,  very  good.  'Tis  beautiful  language.  H-o-u-g-h  is  huff, 
and  c-o-u-g-h  is  cuff.  I  have  one  very  bad  cuff,  ha  ?  T. — No,  we 
eay  kauf,  not  cuff." 

F. — Kauf  eh  bien.  Huff  and  kauf ,  and,  pardonnez  moi,  how  you 
call  d-o-u-g-h— duff,  ha?     T  —  No,  not  duff. 

F. — Not  duff!  Ah!  oui ;  I  understand — it  is  dauf,  bey?  T. — 
No  ;  d-o-u-g-h  spells  doe. 

F\ — Doe!  It  is  very  fine ;  wonderful  language.  It  is  doe;  and 
t-o-u-g-h  is  toe  certainement.  My  beefsteak  was  very  toe.  T. — 0, 
no,  no  ;  you  should  say  tuff. 

F. — Tuff!  And  the  thing  the  farmer  uses;  how  you  call  him, 
p-1-o-u-g-h,  pluff?  Ha,  you  smile ;  I  see  I'm  wrong— it  is  plauff 
No,  ah,  it  is  ploe,  like  doe  ;  it  is  beautiful  language,  ver'  fine — ploe  ! 
T. — You  are  still  wrong,  my  friend.     It  is  plow. 

F. — Plow  !  Wonderful  language.  I  shall  understand  ver'  soon. 
Ploiv,  doe,  kauf ;  and  one  more — r-o-u-g-h,  what  you  call  General 
Taylor;  rauf  and  ready?  No;  certainement  it  is  row  and  ready? 
T.— No  !  R-o-u-g-h  spells  ruff. 

F. — Ruff,  ha  !  Lei  me  not  forget.  R-o-u-g-h  is  ruff,  and  b-o-u-g-h 
is  buff,  ha?     T.— No;  bow. 

F. — Ah  !  'tis  very  simple,  wonderful  language  ;  but  I  have  had 
What  you  call  e-n-o-u-g-h  !  ha  !  what  you  call  him  .' 


Nothing  like  success  in  this  world — what  dirty  bread  it  will 
butter!  Nothing  so  miserable  as  failure — what  heroism  it  will 
blacken ' 


FUN   AND  AMUSEMENT.  lOi 

WHEN  THE  PURSE  IS  FULL. 

Oh,  lin.ppy  are  the  hours — when  the  purse  is  full. 
Time  pusses  over  flowers — when  the  purse  is  full. 

Where'er  our  fancy  wends, 

We  are  sure  to  inert  with  friends, 
And  there's  nothing-  that  offends — when  the  purse  is  full. 

But  weary  are  the  hours — when  the  purse  is  low, 
And  few  and  far  the  flowers — when  the  purse  is  low, 

Where'er  our  footsteps  range, 

Comes  the  chilling  breath  of  change, 
And  the  best  of  friends  look  strange — when  the  purse  is  low. 

Morn  cometh  with  a  dance — when  the  purse  is  full; 
There  is  music  in  her  glance — when  the  purse  is  full. 

Life,  then,  is  something  worth, 

There  is  pleasure  upon  earth, 
There  is  beauty,  song,  and  mirth— when  the  purse  is  full. 

Yet  man,  we're  often  told — though  his  purse  be  low, 
Is  himself  the  truer  gold — though  his  purse  be  low; 

But  the  saying  is  not  true, 

For  the  blindest  yet  may  view, 
Man's  friends  are  but  few — when  his  purse  is  low. 


Tricks  played  upon  Negroes.— There  is  a  bush  story  of  a 
negro,  who,  for  a  bottle  of  mm,  agreed  to  strip  to  the  waist  and  lie 
on  bis  face,  to  be  bitten  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour  by  the  musquitoes, 
at  the  joggins  of  New  Brunswick.  He  endured  bis  pests  manfully, 
and  had  nearly  won  his  prize,  when  one  of  the  lumbermen  who 
stood  by,  laid  on  him  a  piece  of  live  charcoal,  when  the  negro  wrig- 
gled and  twisted  about  frightfully ;  at  last,  unable  to  hold  out  any 
longer,  be  jumped  up,  calling  out  "  Wooh!  not  bargain  for  dat"; 
dat  is  dragon  fly !"  Lumbermen  play  sad  tricks  on  the  negroes 
sometimes.  At  a  coloured  tea-drinking,  a  lumberman  slipped  a 
plug  of  tobacco  into  the  kettle,  when  an  old  negress  who  presided, 
called  out,  "Mo  water!  mo  water!  too  'trong  for  missa  'tomach." 


A  metropolitan  housekeeper  advertised  recently  for  a  wet  nurse. 
A  young  Irish  girl  offered  herself.  '  How  old  are  you,  Bridget?" 
s;iid  the  dame.  '  Sixteen,  plaise  ma'am.'  '  Have  you  ever  had  a 
baby  ?'  '  No  ma'am,  but  1  am  very  fond  of  them."'  '  Then  I'm 
afraid,  Bridget,  you  will  nut  do  for  me.  It  is  a  wet  nurse  I  want.' 
4  0,  please  ma'am,  I  know  I'll  do  ;  I'm  very  aisy  to  teach.' 


10G  THE    BOOK    OF 

A  Wonderful  Cillder.— In  the  Rotunda  of  Woolwich,  a- 
mongst  other  curiosities,  is  preserved  a  cinder,  ahout  six  cubit  in- 
ches in  height,  the  product  entirely  of  £'1  bank  notes  burnt  in  an 
oven  built  for  the  purpose  at  the  close  of  the  war.  It  is  supposed 
that  the  quantity  burnt  during  thirteen  months  amounted  to  50 
millions  of  notes. 


THE  IMMENSITY  OF  THE  UNIVERSE. 

The  space  in  which  the  systems  composing  the  universe  move 
is  illimitable.  Were  we  to  attempt  to  assign  its  limits,  what  could 
we  imagine  to  be  beyond  ?  The  number  of  worlds  is  infinitely 
great ;  it  is  inexpressible,  indeed,  by  numbers.  A  ray  of  light  tra- 
verses 180,000  miles  in  a  second  of  time.  A  year  comprises  mil- 
lions of  seconds,  yet  there  are  fixed  stars  so  immeasureably  distant, 
that  their  light  would  require  billions  of  years  to  reach  our  eyes. 
We  are  acquainted  with  animals  possessing  teeth,  and  organs  of 
motion  and  digestion,  which  are  wholly  invisible  to  the  naked  eye. 
Other  animals  exist,  which,  if  measurable,  would  be  found  many 
thousands  of  times  smaller,  which,  nevertheless,  possess  the  same 
apparatus.  These  creatures,  in  the  same  manner  as  the  largef 
animals,  take  nourishment,  and  are  propagated  by  means  of  ova, 
which  must,  consequently,  be  again  many  hundreds  of  times 
smaller  than  their  own  bodies.  It  is  only  because  our  organs  of 
vision  are  imperfect,  that  we  do  not  perceive  creatures  a  million 
of  times  smaller  than  these.  What  variety,  and  what  infinite 
gradations  do  the  constituents  of  our  globe  present  to  us  in  their 
proporties  and  their  conditions  !  There  are  bodies  which  are  twenty 
times  heavier  than  an  equal  volume  of  water  ;  there  are  others  which 
are  ten  thousand  times  lighter,  the  ultimate  particles  of  which 
cannot  be  known  by  the  most  powerful  microscopes.  Finally,  we 
have  starlight — that  wonderful  messenger  which  brings  us  daily 
intelligence  of  the  continued  existence  of  numberless  worlds,  the  ex- 
pression of  an  immaterial  essence  which  no  longer  obeys  the  laws 
of  gravitation,  and  yet  manifests  itself  to  our  senses  by  innumera- 
ble effects.  Even  the  light  of  the  sun — with  the  arrival  of  which 
upon  the  earth  inanimate  nature  receives  life  and  motion — we 
cleave  asunder  into  rays,  which,  without  any  power  of  illumination, 
produce  the  most  important  alterations  and  decompositions  in  or- 
ganic nature.  We  separate  from  light,  certain  rays,  which  exhibit 
among  themselves  a  diversity  as  great  as  exists  amongst  colours. 
Bttt  nowhere  do  we  observe  either  a  beginning  or  au  end. — Licbig't 
Letters  on  Chemistry.  (Second  Series.) 


!  I W    AND  A.MUSEMENT.  1(J7 

THE  SONG  OF  STEAM. 

Harness  me  down  with  your  iron  bands, 

Be  sure  of  your  curb  and  rein  ; 
For  I  scorn  the  power  of  your  puny  hands 

As  the  tempest  scorns  a  chain. 
How  I  laugh'd  as  I  lay  conceal'd  from  sight 

For  many  a  countless  hour, 
At  the  childish  boast  of  human  might, 

And  the  pride  of  human  power. 

When  I  saw  an  army  upon  the  land, 

A  navy  upon  the  seas, 
Creeping-  along1,  a  snail-like  band, 

Or  waiting-  the  wayward  breeze  ; 
When  I  mark'd  the  peasant  faintly  reel 

With  the  toil  which  he  daily  bore, 
As  he  feebly  turn'd  at  the  tardy  wheel, 

Or  tugg'd  at  the  weary  oar ; 

When  I  measured  the  panting  courser's  speed, 

The  flight  of  the  carrier  dove, 
As  they  bore  the  law  a  king  decreed, 
t  Or  the  lines  of  impatient  love; 
I  could  not  but  think  how  the  world  would  feel 

As  these  were  outstripped  afar, 
When  I  should  be  bound  to  the  rushing  keel 

Or  chain'd  to  the  flying  car. 

Ha !  ha  !  ha  !  they  found  me  at  last; 

They  invited  me  forth  at  length  ; 
And  I  rush'd  to  my  throne  with  thunder  blast, 

And  I  laugh'd  in  my  iron  strength. 
Oh  !  then  ye  saw  a  wondrous  change 

On  the  earth  and  ocean  wide, 
Where  now  my  fiery  armies  range, 

Nor  wait  for  wind  or  tide. 

Hurrah!  hurrah!  the  waters  o'er 

The  mountain's  sleep  decline  ; 
Time — space  — have  yielded  to  my  power; 

The  world— the  world  is  mine'! 
The  rivers  the  sun  hath  earlier  blest, 

Or  those  where  his  beams  decline  ; 
The  giant  streams  of  the  queenly  west, 

Or  the  orient  floods  divme. 

The  ocean  pales  where'er  I  sweep, 

To  hear  my  strength  rejoice  ; 
And  the  monsters  of  the  briny  deep 

Cower,  trembling  at  my  voice. 


108  THE    BOOK    OF 

I  carry  the  wealth  and  the  lord  of  earth, 
The  thoughts  of  the  god-like  mind  ; 

The  wind  lags  after  my  flying  forth, 
The  lightning  is  left  behind. 

Tn  the  darksome  depths  of  the  fathomless  mine 

Biy  tireless  arm  doth  play, 
Where  the  rocks  never  saw  the  sun  decline, 

Or  the  dawn  of  the  glorious  day. 
I  bring  earth's  flittering  jewels  up 

From  the  hidden  cave  below, 
And  I  make  the  fountain's  granite  cup 

With  a  crystal  gush  o'erflow. 

I  blow  the  bellows,  I  forge  the  steel 

In  all  the  shops  of  trade  ; 
I  hummer  the  oar  and  turn  the  wheel 

Where  my  arms  of  strength  are  made; 
I  manage  the  furnace,  the  mill,  the  mint, 

I  carry,  I  spin,  I  weave  ; 
And  all  my  doings  I  put  into  print 

On  every  Saturday  eve. 

I've  no  muscle  to  weary,  no  breast  to  decay,# 

No  bones  to  be  'laid  on  the  shelf,' 
And  soon  I  intend  you  may  'go  and  play,' 

While  I  manage  the  world  by  myself. 
But  harness  me  down  with  your  iron  bands, 

Be  sure  of  your  curb  and  rein, 
For  I  scorn  the  strength  of  your  puny  hands 

As  the  tempest  scorns  a  chain. 


A  Poodle  Dog. — A  friend  of  mine  had  a  poodle  dog  possessed 
of  more  than  ordinary  sagacity,  but  he  was,  however,  under  little 
command.  In  order  to  keep  him  in  better  order,  my  friend  pur- 
chased a  small  whip,  with  which  he  corrected  the  dog  once  or  twice 
during  a  walk.  On  his  return,  the  whip  was  put  on  a  table  in  the 
liall,  and  the  next  morning  it  was  missing,  it  was  soon  after- 
wards found  concealed  in  an  outbuilding,  and  agaiu  made  use  of 

in  correcting  the  dug.  It  was,  however,  again  lust,  hut  found 
bidden  in  another  place.  On  Watching  the  dog,  who  was  suspec- 
ted of  being  the  culprit,  he  was  seen  to  take  the  whip  from  the  hull- 
table,  and  run  away  with  it,  in  order  again  to  hide  it.  The  late 
James  Cuiimiing,  livj.,  was  the  owner  of  the  dog,  and  related 
this  anecdote  to  me. 

The  Sort  of  Clothing  Lawyers  Like. — Chancery  suits. 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  109 

MIGHT  IS  RIGHT. 

TRANSLATED  FROM  THK  GERMAN. 

Upon  a  tree  a  sparrow  caught 

A  fine  fat  11  y  and  held  it  fast ; 
Nor  tears  nor  groans  avail'd  it  aught — 

Yet,  '  spare  my  life  !'  it  cried  at  last. 
'No  :'  Murder  said,  '  for  my  good  beak 
Is  sharp  and  strong,  and  thine  is  weak.' 

A  hawk  descried  him  at  his  feast 

And  shot  down  from  his  airy  height— 
*  Let  go  your  hold,  you  cruel  beast  ! 

What  have  I  done  that  is  not  right?* 
'  No,'  Murder  cried,  '  you're  fairly  mine, 
For  my  beak's  stronger  far  than  thine.' 

Just  then  an  eagle,  poised  to  strike, 

Pounced  down,  and  snapp'd  his  back  in  two— 

'  Let  go,  my  lord  !  you  would  not  like 
That  one  should  do  the  same  to  you.' 

'Pugh  !'  Murder  cried,  thou  art  justly  mine, 

For  my  beak's  stronger  far  than  thine.' 

He  scarce  had  seized  his  prey,  when,  lo  ! 

A  hunter's  arrow  pierced  his  head — 
'My  curse  upon  thee  and  thy  bow,' 

The  eagle  cried,  and  fell  down  dead. 
'  Pugh  !'  Murder  cried,  '  thou'rt  mine  I  wot, 
For  I'm  a  man  and  thou  art  not.' 

A  hungry  bear  was  passing  by, 

And  struck  the  hunter  to  the  ground — 
'  Presumptuous  beast,  know'st  not  that  I 

Your  king,  by  God  himself,  am  crown'd?' 
'  Pugh  !'  Murder  cried,  thou'rt  mine  I  wot, 
For  I'm  a  bear,  and  thou  art  not.' 

Is  might  not  right,  here,  everywhere, 
From  fly  to  eagle,  man  to  bear? 


A  Smuggler's  Trick. — It  was  a  stark  calm  ;  and  as  the  fog 
cleared  up  a  little  1  saw  I  was  lost  in  the  very  jaws  of  a  ship  of 
war,  and  I  almost  gave  up  all  for  lost.  However,  as  they  were 
lowering  their  jolly  boat  to  board  me,  I  sculled  off  to  them,  all  alone 
in  my  little  punt,  and  asked  the  people  of  the  ship  if  they  knowed 
what  was  good  for  the  measles !  I  could  hear  them  laugh  from 
stem  to  stern.  A  big  fat  man  they  called  the  doctor,  told  me  to 
keep  my  patients  warm,  and  to  give  them  hot  drinks.  It  was 
enough  ;  they  took  care  not  to  come  near  the  Peggy  Ann  that  time. 


110  THE   BOOK   OF 

RICHARD  AND  BETTY  AT  HICKLETON  FAIR. 

As  I  wur  ganging  last  Sat'rday  neet  to  buy  half-a-pound  o'  bakon, 
who  sbou'd  I  meet  but  my  old  sweetheart,  Betty  Hunt,  un  she  said, 
'aye,  Richard,  be  that  thou,'  un  I  said,  'ees,  sure  it  be,'  un  she 
said,  '  Richard'  wudn't  thee  be  ganging  to  Hickleton  Vair  at  mor- 
row ?'  and  I  said,  '  I  nowd'nt  not  haply  I  mought,'  and  Betty 
la'aught;  and  I  said,  'I  wou'd,  and  I  did,  and  I  went  to  Hickle- 
ton Vair.  And  so  in  the  morning  I  gotten  up  and  putten  on  my  best 
shuen,  cloggen  shoen  ware  out  at  fashion  then,  and  I  went  clink- 
ma  clank  ma  clank  all  t'way  to  townend,  and  vurst  I  seed  were 
Betty  standing  at  her  Vather's  door,  wi'  two  chaps  hanging  on 
either  haarm,  un  I  felt  all  over  in  sike  a  conflagration,  all  my 
blood  gotten  into  my  knuckles — oh,  I'd  a  nation  good  mind  to 
gien  a  bat  o't  chops,  for  Betty  took  na  notice  of  me ;  so  I  stared 
at  her,  but  she  said,  'aye,  Richard,  be  that  thou?'  and  I  said,  'ees' 
sure  it  be ;'  and  she  said,  'Richard,  would'nt  the  come  int'  house,' 
and  I  said,  'ees,  I  would,'  and  I  did,  and  I  went  int'  house ;  and 
there  were  a  very  many  people,  vary  many  indeed,  and  Betty  said, 
'Richard,  wou'd  nt  thee  have  a  drap  o'  sunimat  t'  drink?'  and  I 
said,  'ees,  I  would,'  and  I  did,  and  I  had  a  drap  o'  summat  t' 
drink,  and  I  la'af'd,  and  wur  vary  merry,  vary  merry  indeed  ;  and 
Betty  said, '  Richard,  wou'dn't  thee  sing  us  a  song?"  and  1  said, 
4  ees  I  would,'  and  I  did,  and  chaunted  a  steave — 

The  cluck  had  struck,  I  can't  tell  what, 
But  the  morn  came  on  as  grey  as  a  rat  ; 
The  cocks  and  hens  from  their  roost.-;  did  fly, 
Grunting  pigs  too  had  left  their  stye. 
Down  in  a  vale, 
Carrying  u  pail. 
Cicely  was  met  by  her  true  love  Harry, 
Vurst  they  kiss't, 
Then  shook  fist, 
And  look'd  like  two  fools  just  going  to  marry. 

Aye,  I  remember  vary  weel  that  wur  the  vurst  song  I  ever  sung 
Betty  Hunt,  and  she  said,  'thee'd  sin;;'  us  another  song,  wouldn't 
thee;'  and  I  said  'ees,  I  wou'd,  and  I  did,  and  I  sang'd  another 
song  — aye,  I  remember  vary  weel  that  wur  tin-  last  song  I  ever 
sung  poor  Betty;  un  at  last  I  said,  '  I  must  be  ganging,  Betty,' 
and  she  said,  'well  when  thee  wo't,  Richard,  when  thee  wo'l  ;  and 
1  said,  '  thee'd  cum  and  sec  ma  sum  at  way  whoam,'  and  she  s;iid, 
she  would,  and  she  did,  and  she  see'd  me  a  bit'ut  way — all  the  way 
to  townend  ;  and  I  said  'thee'd  gi'  us  ;i  liuss,  wou'dn't  thee,    and 

she  said,  'ees,  she  wou'd,'  and  she  did,  and  she  giv'd  me  a  buss. 
•Weel.  Betty,  thec't  let  me  cum  and  see  thee  at  morrow  nee't,'and 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  Ill 

she  said, 'and  thee  wo't,  Richard:'  so  I  pang  myseii  whoara  and 
gotten  to  bed,  and  went  at  morrow  nee't  to  meet  Betty — eight 
o'clock,  and  na  Betty — nine  o'clock,  ten  o'clock,  and  na  Betty — 
eleven,  twelve  o'clock,  and  na  Betty ;  so  I  tho't  I'd  gang  myscn 
whoam  ;  so  in  the  morning  I  were  told  poor  Betty  war  vary  badly, 
vary  badly  indeed,  and  she  had  sent  to  see  ma;  so  I  went  to  see 
poor  Betty,  and  she  said,  'Richard,  if  I  shou'd  dee,  thee'd  goo  to 
my  burying,  wou'dn't  thee?  and  I  said  I  wou'd,  and  I  did,  and  I 
went  to  her  burying,  for  poor  Betty  deed  ;  and  I  ne'er  go  to  II ic- 
kleton  churchyard  without  dropping  a  tear  to  the  memory  of  poor 
Betty  Hunt. 


THE  CHOICE. 

A  Quaker,  residing1  at  Paris,  was  waited  on  by  four  workmen,  in 
order  to  make  their  compliments,  and  ask  for  their  usual  New  Year's 
gifts. 

'  Well,  my  friends,'  said  the  Quaker,  'here  are  your  gifts  ;  choose 
fifteen  francs  or  the  Bible.' 

'I  don't  know  how  to  read,'  said  the  first,  'so  I  take  the  fifteen 
francs.' 

'  I  can  read,'  said  the  second,  'but  I  have  pressing  wants.'  lie  took 
the  fifteen  francs. 

The  third  also  made  the  same  choice. 

He  now  came  to  the  fourth,  a  lad  about  fourteen.  The  Quaker 
looked  at  him  with  an  air  of  kindness — '  Will  you,  too,  take  these  tlireo 
five  franc  pieces,  which  you  may  obtain  at  any  time  by  your  labour 
and  industry  ?' 

'As  you  say  the  book  is  good,  I  will  take  it,  and  read  it  to  my  mo- 
ther,' replied  the  boy.  He  took  the  Bible,  opened  it,  and  found  be- 
tween the  leaves  a  gold  piece  of  forty  francs. 

The  others  hung  down  their  heads ;  and  the  Quaker  told  them  he 
was  sorry  they  had  not  made  a  better  choice. 


The  Stomach.— I  firmly  believe  that  almost  every  malady  of 
the  human  frame  is,  either  high-ways  or  by-ways,  connected  with 
the  stomach.  The  woes  of  every  other  member  are  founded  on 
your  belly  timber  ;  and  I  must  own  I  never  see  a  fashionable  phy- 
sician mysteriously  consulting  the  pulse  of  his  patient,  but  1  feel 
a  desire  to  exclaim — '  Why  not  tell  the  poor  gentleman  at  once. 
'  Sir  you  have  eaten  too  much  ;  you've  drunk  too  much  ;  and  you 
have  not  taken  exercise  enough!''  The  human  frame  was  not 
created  imperfect.  It  is  we  ourselves  who  have  made  it  so.  There 
exists  uo  donkey  in  creation  so  overloaded  as  our  stomachs. 


112  THE   BOOK  OF 

A  THIRSTY  SOUL. 

A  very  good  widow  lady,  who  was  looked  up  to  by  the  congre- 
gation to  which  she  belonged,  as  an  example  of  piety,  contrived  to 
bring  her  conscience  to  terms  for  one  little  indulgence.  She 
loved  porter,  and  one  day,  just  as  she  was  receiving  half-a-dozen 
bottles  from  the  man  who  usually  brought  her  the  comforting  bev- 
erage, she  perceived  (0  horror!)  two  of  the  grave  elders  of  the 
church  approaching  the  door.  She  hurried  the  man  out  the  back 
way,  and  put  the  bottles  under  the  bed.  The  weather  was  hot,  and 
while  conversing  with  the  sage  friends,  pop  went  one  of  the  corks. 
'  Dear  me,' exclaimed  the  good  lady,  'there  goes  that  bed-cord; 
it  snapped  yesterday  just  the  same  way  ;  I  must  have  a  new  rope 
provided.'  In  a  few  moments  pop  went  another,  followed  by  the 
peculiar  hissing  of  the  escaping  liquor.  The  rope  woudn't  do  again, 
but  the  good  lady  was  not  at  a  loss.  '  Dear  me,'  says  she,  '  that 
black  cat  of  mine  must  be  at  some  mischief  there. — Hist  cat !' 
Another  bottle  popped  off,  and  the  porter  came  stealing  out  from 
under  the  valance!  '  Dear  me,'  said  she, '  I  had  forgot  that  it  was 
them  bottles  of  yeast.' 


'  N.    S  X     v-  X    V  - 


THE  SWEEPER  AND  THE  THIEVES. 

A  sweeper's  lad  was  late  o'  th'  nceg-ht, 
His  slap  shod  shoon  had  laeam'd  his  feet; 
He  call'd  to  see  a  good  awd  deeame, 
At  mony  a  time  had  triirg'd  his  weame, 
For  he  wor  then  fahve  miles  fra  yam : 
He  ax'd  i'  t'  lair  te  let  him  sleep, 
An'  he'd  next  day  their  chimlera  sweep. 
They  supper'd  him  wi'  country  fare, 
Then  show'd  him  tul  his  liool  i'  t'  lair. 
He  crept  in  tul  his  streeahy  bed, 
His  pooak  o'  seeat  beneath  his  heead, 
He  wor  content,  nur  card  a  pin, 
An'  his  irood  friend  then  lock'd  him  in. 
The  lair  frae  t'  hoose  a  distance  Btood — 
Between  'cm  grew  a  lahtle  wood; 
Ahou^ht  midneeght,  or  neari  r  raoi 
Two  thieves  brack  in  te  steeal  ther  coorn  : 
Hi  \  in  a  leeght  i'  t'  lantern  dark, 

Secan  they  te  winder  fell  te  wark  ; 
And  wishing  they'd  a  lad  le  fill, 
Young  Brush,  when  yet  bad  lig  f'd  q 
Tbinkin'  'at  men  belang'd  te  t'  hoose, 
An'  that  he  noo  mud  be  o'  use, 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  113 

Jump'd  doon  directly  on  te'  t'  fleear, 
An'  t'  thieves  beeatb  van  out  at  deear ; 
Nur  stop  at  owt  nur  thin  nur  thick, 
Fully  convinc'd  it  wur  awd  Nick. 
The  sweeper  lad  then  ran  reeght  seean 
T'  t'  hoose   an'  tell'd  'em  what  wor  deean; 
Maister  'an  men  then  quickly  i-aise, 
An'  ran  to  t'  lair  wi'  hawf  tlier  cleeas. 
Twea  horses,  seeks,  an'  leeght  they  fand, 
Which  had  been  left  by  t'  thievish  band : 
These  round  t'  t'  neybourheead  they  cry'd, 
But  nut  an  owner  e'er  apply 'd 
For  neean  durst  horses  own  or  seeks, 
They  wor  so  freg'hten'd  o'  ther  necka. 
They  seld  the  horses,  and  of  course, 
Put  awf  o'  the  brass  i'  Sooty's  purse; 
Desiring'  when  he  com  that  way, 
He'd  awlus  them  a  visit  pay  ; 
When  hearty  welcome  he  sud  have, 
Because  he  did  ther  barley  save. 
Brush  chink'd  the  guineas  in  his  hand, 
An'  oft  to  leeak  at  'em  did  stand, 
As  he  came  he  wistling-  teeak  his  way, 
Blessin'  t'  awd  deeam  wha  let  him  stay 
An'  sleep  i'  t'  lair,  when  late  o'  t'  neeght, 
His  slap-shod  shoon  had  leeam'd  his  feet. 


Purgent  Wit.— A  couple  of  Irishmen,  who  had  not  been  long 
in  this  country,  met  at  an  inn  and  called  for  dinner.  As  it  so  hap- 
pened, there  was  a  dish  of  horseradish  grated  for  dinner.  Pat, 
thinking  it  was  something  to  be  eaten  with  a  spoon,  put  a  large 
spoonful  into  his  mouth.  The  tears  immediately  filled  his  eyes 
and  rolled  down  his  cheeks.  His  companion  saw  it,  and  said — 
'  Pat,  what  is  the  matter  ?' — '  I  was  just  thinking  of  my  poor  father 
that  was  hanged  in  swate  Ireland,'  answered  Pat.  But  Jemmy 
soon  filled  his  mouth  with  the  same,  and  as  the  tears  gushed  from 
his  eyes  also,  Pat  says — '  What's  the  matter,  what  has  happened 
to  ye  r" — '  Ah !'  says  Jemmy, '  I  was  just  thinking  what  a  pity  it 
was  that  you  were  not  hanged  when  your  father  was.' 


Two  cardinals  found  fault  with  Puiphael  for  having  in  one  of 
his  pictures  given  too  florid  a  complexion  to  St.  Peter  and  St.  Paul. 
'  Gentlemen,'  replied  the  artist,  ill-pleased  with  the  criticism, '  don't 
he  surprised  ;  I  paint  them  just  as  they  look  in  heaven.  They  arc 
blushing  with  shame  to  see  the  church  below  so  badly  governed.' 

n 


114  THE   BOOK   OF 

Magnanimity. — In  Germany,  during;  the  war,  a  captain  of 
cavalry  was  ordered  out  upon  a  foraging;  expedition.     He  put 
himself  at  the  head  of  his  troop,  and  marched  to  the  quarter  as- 
signed him.     It  was  a  solitary  valley,  in  which  hardly  any  thing 
but  wood  was  to  be  perceived.     Finding  in  the  midst  of  it  a  small 
cottage,  he  approached  and  knocked  at  the  door,  which  was  opened 
by  an  old  and  venerable  mail,  with  a  beard  silvered  by  age.     '  Fa- 
ther,' said  the  officer,  '  show  me  a  field  where  I  may  set  my  troop 
to  foraging.'     The  old  man  complied,  and  conducting  them  out  of 
the  valley,  after  a  quarter  of  an  hour's  march  came  to  a  fine  field 
of  barley.     'Here  is  what  we  are  in  search  of,'  exclaimed  the 
captain  ;  'father,  you  are  a  true  and  faithful  guide.'     'Wait  yet  a 
lew  minutes,'  replied  the  old  man;  'follow  me  patiently  a  little 
further.'     The  march  was  accordingly  resumed,  and  at  the  distance 
of  a  mile,  they  arrived  at  another  field  of  barley.     The  troop  im- 
mediately alighted,  cut  down  the  grain,  trussed  it,  and  remounted. 
The  officer  thereupon  said  to  his  conductor,  'Father,  you  have 
given  yourself  and  us  unnecessary  trouble;  the' first  field  was  far 
better  than  this.'    'Very  true,  sir,'  replied  the  good  old  man,  'but 
it  was  not  mine.' — St.  Pierre. 


WEDDINGS. 

'I  like  to  'tend  wedding's,'  said  Mrs.  Parting-ton,  ns  she  returned 
from  one  in  church,  and  hung-  her  shawl  up  and  replaced  her  black 
bonnet  in  her  long-preserved  bandbox  ;  '  I  like  to  see  young:  people 
come  together  with  the  promise  to  love,  cherish,  and  nourish  each 
other.  But  it  is  a  solemn  thing;  is  matrimony — a  very  solemn  thing — 
where  the  minister  comes  into  the  chancery  with  his  surplus  on,  and 
goes  through  the  ceremony  of  making  them  '  man  and  wife.'  It  ought 
to  be  husband  and  wife,  for  it  isn't  every  husband  that  turns  out  to 
be  a  man.  I  declare  I  never  shall  forget  how  I  felt  when  Paul  put 
the  nuptial  ring  on  my  finger,  and  said,  'with  my  goods  I  thee  endow.' 
He  used  to  keep  a  dry-goods  store  then,  and  I  thought  he  was  going 
to  give  me  all  there  was  in  it.  I  was  young  and  simple,  and  didn't 
know  till  afterwards  that  it  only  meant  one  cotton  gown  a  year.  It 
is  a  lovely  sight  to  see  young  people  'pliirhtin'  their  trough,'  as  the 
song-  saya,  and  'consume  their  vows.'  '  8he  bustled  about,  and  got  tea 
ready,  but  abstractedly  put  on  the  broken  tea-pot,  that  bad  lain  away 
unused  since  Paul  was  alive,  and  the  tea-cup  mended  with  putty  and 
dark  with  age,  as  if  the  idea  had  conjured  up  the  ghost  of  past  enjoy- 
ment to  dwell  for  the  moment  in  the  home  of  her  present  widowhood. 
A  young  lady,  who  expected  to  be  married  on  Thanksgiving  Night, 
wept  copiously  at  her  remarks,  but  kept  on  hemming  the  veil  that  was 
to  adorn  her  brideship,  and  Ike  sat  pulling  the  bristles  out  of  the 
hearth-brush  in  expressive  silence. 


EUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  115 

THE  BREWER'S  COACHMAH. 

Honest  William,  an  easy  and  g-ood-natured  fellow, 
Would  a  little  too  oft,  get  a  little  to  mellow. 
Body-coachman  was  lie  to  an  eminent  brewer- 
No  better  e'er  sat  on  a  box,  to  be  sure  : 
His  coach  was  kept  clean,  and  no  mothers  or  nurses 
Took  such  care  of  their  babes,  as  be  did  of  his  horses. 
He  had  these — aye  and  fifty  good  qualities  more, 
But  the  business  of  tippling-  could  ne'er  be  got  o'er; 
So  his  master  effectually  mended  the  matter, 
By  hiring  a  man  who  drank  nothing1  but  water. 
'  Now,  William,'  says. lie,  '  you  see  the  plain  case, 
Had  you  drank  as  he  does,  you'd  have  kept  a  good  place.' 
'  Drink  water !'  quoth  William,  '  had  all  men  done  so, 
You  would  never  have  wanted  a  coachman,  I  trow: 
'Tis  soakers,  like  me,  whom  you  load  with  reproaches — 
That  enable  you  brewers  to  ride  in  your  coaches.' 


INSTANCE  OF  SAGACITY  IN  A  DOG. 
He  informed  me  that  a  friend  of  his,  an  officer  in  the  forty-fourth 

regiment,  who  had  occasion,  when  in  Paris,  to  pass  one  of  the 
bridges  across  the  Seine,  had  his  boots,  which  had  been  previously 
well  polished,  dirtied  by  a  poodle-dog  rubbing  against  them.  He 
in  consequence  went  to  a  man  who  was  stationed  on  the  bridge, 
and  had  them  cleaned.  The  same  circumstance  having  occurred 
more  than  once,  his  curiosity  was  excited,  and  he  watched  the  dog. 
He  saw  him  roll  himself  in  the  mud  of  the  river  and  then  watch 
for  a  person  with  well-polished  boots,  against  which  he  contrived  to 
rub  himself.  Finding  that  the  shoe-black  was  the  owner  of  the 
dog,  he  taxed  him  with  the  artifice  ;  and  after  a  little  hesitation 
he  confessed  that  he  had  taught  the  dog  the  trick,  in  order  to  pro- 
cure customers  for  himself.  The  officer  being  much  struck  with 
the  dog's  sagacity,  purchased  him  at  a  high  price,  and  brought 
him  to  England.  He  kept  him  tied  up  in  London  some  time,  and 
then  released  him.  The  dog  remained  with  him  a  day  or  two, 
and  then  made  his  escape.  A  fortnight  afterwards  he  was  found 
with  his  former  master,  pursuing  his  old  trade  of  dirtying  gentle- 
men's boots  on  the  bridge. 


'6' 


'  I  say,  Mr.  Johnson,  did  you  hear  'bout  de  catalepsy  dat  befel 
Phillise  ?' — '  Ob  course  I  didn't ;  what  was  itr° — '  You  see,  de  doc- 
tor ordered  a  blister  on  her  chist ;  well,  as  she  hadn't  no  chist,  no 
how,  she  put  urn  on  de  band-box,  and  it  drawed  her  new  pink  bon- 
net out  ob  shape  and  spile  urn  entirely.' 


116  THE   BOOK   OP 

PAT  AT  THE  POST-OFFICE. 

The  following  colloquy  actually  took  place  at  an  Eastern  Post- 
Office  : — Pat :  '  1  say,  Mr.  Postmaster,  is  there  a  litther  for  me  ?' 

'Who  are  you,  my  good  sir?' — '  I'm  meself,  that's  who  I  am.' 

'Well,  what  is  your  name?' — 'An'  what  do  ye  want  wid  the 
name? — is'nt  it  on  the  litther?' 

'  So  that  I  can  find  the  letter  if  there  is  one.' — '  Will,  Pat  Byrne, 
thin,  if  ye  must  have  it.' 

'  Xo,  sir — there  is  none  for  Pat  Byrne.' — 'Is  there  no  way  to  git 
in  there  hut  through  this  pane  of  glass  ?' 

'No  sir.' — It's  will  far  ye  there  isn't.  I'd  teach  ye  hetther  man- 
ners thin  to  insist  on  a  gentleman's  name ;  but  ye  didn't  git  it 
after  all — so  I'm  aven  wid  ye  j  divil  the  bit  is  me  name  Byrne  !' 


LACONICS. 

Men  will  wrangle  for  religion ;  write  for  it;  fight  for  it;  die 
for  it ;  anything  but live  for  it. 

The  excesses  of  our  youth,  are  drafts  upon  our  old  ago,  payable 
with  interest,  about  thirty  years  after  date. 

The  true  motives  of  our  actions,  like  the  real  pipes  of  an  organ, 
are  usually  concealed.  But  the  gilded  and  the  hollow  pretext  is 
pompously  placed  iu  the  front  for  show. 

An  act,  by  which  we  make  one  friend,  and  one  enemy,  is  a  lo- 
sing game  ;  because  revenge  is  a  much  stronger  principle  than 
gratitude. 

It  is  better  to  be  laughed  at,  than  ruined  ;  better  to  have  a  wile, 
who,  like  Martial's  Mamurra,  cheapens  every  thing,  and  buys  noth- 
ing, than  to  be  impoverished  by  one  whose  vanity  will  purchase  every 
thing,  but  whose  pride  will  cheapen  nothing. 

He  that  openly  tells  his  friends  all  that  he  thinks  of  them,  must 
expect  that  they  will  secretly  tell  his  enemies  much  that  they  do 
not  think  of  him. 

The  greatest  friend  of  Truth  is  Time  ;  her  greatest  enemy  is 
Prejudice,  and  her  constant  companion,  is  Humility. 

Did  universal  charity  prevail,  earth  would  be  an  heaven,  ami 
hell  a  fable. 

There  are  only  two  things  in  which  the  false  professors  of  all 
religions  have  agreed  ;  to  persecute  all  oilier  sects,  ami  to  plunder 
their  own. 


"FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  117 

MY  LETTERS. 

11  Litera  scripta  manet." — Old  Saw. 

Another  mizzling1,  drizzling1  day  ! 

Of  clearing  up  there's  no  appearance, 
So  I'll  sit  down  without  delay, 

And  here  at  least  I'll  make  a  clearance! 

So  Molly,  draw  that  hasket  nigher, 

And  put  my  desk  upon  the  table — 
Bring  that  portfolio — stir  the  fire — 

Now  off  as  fast  as  you  are  able. 

First,  here's  a  card  from  Mrs.  Grimes, 

1  A  Ball  '—she  knows  that  I'm  no  dancer — 

That  woman's  asked  me  fifty  times, 
And  yet  I  never  send  an  answer. 

"  Dear  Jack, 

Just  lend  me  twenty  pounds, 
Till  Monday  next,  when  I'll  return  it. 
Yours  truly, 

Henry  Gibbs." 

Why,  z ds ! 

I've  seen  the  man  but  twice — here,  burn  it. 

One  from  my  cousin,  Sophy  Daw, 

Full  of  Aunt  Margery's  distresses. 
"  The  cat  has  kitten'd  '  in  the  draw,' 

And  ruin'd  two  bran-new  siik  dresses. 

From  Sam,  "  The  Chancellor's  motto" — nay 
Confound  his  puns,  he  knows  I  hate  'em ; 

"Pro  liege,  Lege,  Grege" — ay, 

"  For  king  read  mob  !"  Brougham's  old  erratum. 

From  Seraphina  Price — "  At  two — 

Till  then  I  can't,  my  dearest  John,  stir." 
Two  more,  because  I  did  not  go, 

Beginning  "  Wretch !"  and  "  Faithless  monster !" 

"  Dear  Sir, 

This  morning  Mrs.  P. 

Who's  doing  quite  as  well  as  may  be, 
Presented  me  at  half-past  three 

Precisely,  with  another  baby ; 

"  We'll  name  it  John,  and  know  with  pleasure 

You'll  stand" Five  guineas  more,  confound  it  !— 

I  wish  they'd  call'd  it  Nebuchadnezzar, 

Or  thrown  it  in  the  Thames,  and  drown'd  it, 


118  THE  BOOK  OF 

What  have  we  next  ?     A  civil  Dun, 

"  John  Brown  would  take  it  as  a  favour,— 

Another,  and  a  surlier  one, 

"  I  can't  put  up  with  sich  behaviour. 

"  Bill  so  long  standing," — "  quite  tired  out," — 
"  Must  sit  down  to  insist  on  payment" — 

"  Call'd  ten  times  !"  here's  a  fuss  about 
A  few  coats,  waistcoats,  and  small  raiment ! 

For  once  I'll  send  an  answer,  and  in — 
— form  Mr.  Snip  he  needn't  "  call"  so, 

But,  when  his  bill's  as  "  tired  of  standing' 
As  he  is,  beg  'twill  "  sit  down"  also. 

This  from  my  rich  old  uncle,  Ned, 
Thanking  me  for  my  annual  presen 

And  saying  he  last  Tuesday  wed 

His  cook-maid  Nelly— vastly  pleasant ! 

An  ill-spelt  note  from  Tom  at  school, 
Begging  I'll  let  him  learn  the  riddle — 

Another  from  that  precious  fool 
Miss  Pyefinch,  with  a  stupid  riddle. 

"If  you  was  in  the  puddle,"  how 
I  should  rejoice  that  sight  to  see ! — 

"  And  you  were  out  on't,  tell  me  now 
What  that  same  puddle  then  would  be  ?" 

"D'ye  give  it  up" — indeed  I  do  ! 

Confound  these  antiquated  minxes, 
I  won't  play  "  Billy  Black,"  to  a  "  Blue," 

Or  CEdipus  to  such  old  Sphinxes. 

A  note  sent  up  from  Kent,  to  show  me, 
Left  with  my  baliff,  Peter  King, 

"  I'll  burn  them  b y  stacks  down,  blow  me 

Yours,  most  sincerely, 

Captain  Swing." 

Four  beL'ginir  letters  with  petitions, 
One  from  my  Bister  Jane,  to  pray, 

I'll  execute  a  lew  'commissions 
In  bond  stre<  I,  "  when  I  go  that  way," 

Ami  "  buy  at  s  in  Uie  city, 

Twelve  Bkeint  of  silk  lor  netting  parses, 

Colour  no  i',  ■>  ii  -  prettj  ; 

Two  hundred  pens "  two  hundred  curses] 

From  Mrs.  Jones  i  "  My  little  Billy 

I  Op    III  :-..:.. 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  119 

Will  you  just  step  to  Piccadilly, 
And  meet  him  when  the  coach  comes  in  1" 

"'And  then,  perhaps,  you  will  as  well  see 

The  poor  dear  fellow  safe  to  school, 
At  Dr.  Smith's,  in  Little  Chelsea  ?" 

Heaven  send  he  flog-  the  little  fool. 

From  Lady  Snooks :  "  Dear  sir,  you  know, 

You  promised  me  last  week  a  Rebus, 
Or  something-  smart  and  apropos 

For  my  newjAlbum '.'"     Aid  me,  Phoebus  ! 

"  My  hint  is  followed  by  my  second  ; 

Yet  should  my  first  my  second  see, 
A  dire  mishap  it  would  be  reckon'd, 

And  sadly  shock'd  my  first  would  be. 

"Were  I  but  what  my  Whole  implies, 
And  pass'd  by  chance  across  your  portal, 

You'd  cry.  '  Can  I  believe  my  eyes  ? 
I  never  saw  so  queer  a  mortal.' 

"For  then  my  head  would  not  be  on, 

My  arms  their  shoulders  must  abandon, 
My  very  body  would  be  gone, 

I  should  not  have  a  leg-  to  stand  on." 

Come,  that's  dispatch'd— what  follows? — stay — 

"  Reform  demanded  by  the  nation  ; 
Vote  for  Tag-rag-  and  Bobtail," — ay, 

By  Jove,  a  blessed  Reformation  !  I 

Jack,  clap  the  saddle  upon  Rose, — 

Or  no — the  filly — she's  the  fleeter ; 
The  devil  take  the  rain — Here  goes — 

I'm  oft' — a  plumper  for  Sir  Peter. 


^S     *•  ^     V  •    ■ 


LOST  AND  FOUND,  AND  FOUND  AND  LOST. 

Some  gentlemen  of  a  Bible  Association  calling  upon  an  old  wo- 
man to  see  if  she  had  a  bible,  were  severely  reproved  with  a  spirit- 
ual reply,  '  Do  you  think,  gentlemen,  that  I  am  a  heathen  that  you 
should  ask  me  such  a  question  ?'  then  addressing  a  little  girl,  she 
said, '  run  and  fetch  the  bible  out  of  my  drawer,  that  I  may  show 
it  to  the  gentlemen.'  The  gentlemen  declined  giving  her  the  trou- 
ble, but  she  insisted  on  giving  them  ocular  demonstration.  Ac- 
cordingly the  bible  was  brought  nicely  covered ;  and  on  opening 
it  the  old  woman  exclaimed,  '  Well,  how  glad  I  am  you  have 
come ;  here  are  my  spectacles,  that  I  have  been  looking  for  these 
t/trcr  years  and  didn't  know  where  to  find  'em." 


120  THE   BOOK   OF 

PERIL. 

There  is  a  story,  and  which  I  believe  is  fact,  of  two  boys  going  to 
take  a  Jackdaw's  nest  from  a  hole  under  the  belfry  window  in  the  tow- 
er of  All  Saints'  Church,  Derby.  As  it  was  impossible  to  reach  it 
standing  within  the  building-,  and  equally  impossible  to  ascend  to  that 
height  from  without,  they  resolved  to  put  a  plank  through  the  win- 
dow ;  and  while  the  heavier  boy  secured  its  balance  by  sitting  on  the 
end  within,  the  lighter  boy  was  to  fix  himself  on  the  opposite  end,  and 
from  that  perilous  situation  to  reach  the  object  of  their  desire.  So 
far  the  scheme  answered.  The  little  fellow  took  the  nest,  and,  finding 
in  it  five  fledged  young  birds,  announced  the  news  to  his  companion. 
'Five  are  there?'  replied  he;  'then  I'll  have  three.'  'Nay,'  ex- 
claimed the  other  indignantly,  '  I  have  run  all  the  danger,  and  I'll 
bave  the  three.'  'You  shall  not,'  still  maintained  the  boy  in  the  in- 
side; '  you  shall  not.  Promise  me  three,  or  I'll  drop  you!'  'Drop 
me,  if  you  please,'  replied  the  little  hero;  'but  I'll  promise  you  no 
more  than  two ;'  upon  which  his  companion  slipped  off  the  plank. 
Up  tilted  the  end,  and  down  went  the  boy,  upwards  of  a  hundred  feet, 
to  the  ground.  The  little  fellow,  at  the  moment  of  his  fall,  was  hold- 
ing his  prize  by  their  legs,  three  in  one  hand,  and  two  in  the  other; 
and  they  finding  themselves  descending,  fluttered  out  their  pinions  in- 
stinctively. The  boy,  too,  had  on  a  stout  carter's  frock,  secured  round 
the  neck,  which  filling  with  air  from  beneath,  buoyed  him  up  like  a 
balloon,  and  he  descended  smoothly  to  the  ground ;  when,  looking  up, 
he  exclaimed  to  his  companion,  '  Now  you  shall  have  none!'  and  ran 
away,  sound  in  every  limb,  to  the  astonishment  of  the  inhabitants,  who, 
with  inconceivable  horror,  had  witnessed  his  descent. 


ANECDOTES  OF  MR.  ABERNETHY. 

Mr.  AmcRNETHY  was  a  man  of  genius,  but  very  eccentric.  How- 
ever he  bad  no  real  moroseness  of  disposition  ;  his  impatience  of  loqua- 
city and  superfluous  details  arose  from  a  great  degree  of  BBgacity, 
clearness  of  judgment,  and  a  feeling  of  independence.  He  seemed  "to 
feel  as  if  he  mentally  expressed  himself  thus  :— '  Here  I  am,  ready  to 
give  my  advice  if  you  want  it  ;  but  you  must  take  it  us  you  find  it, 
and  if  you  don't  like  it,  egad,  (his  favourite  word)  you  may  go  about 
your  business,  I  don't  want  to  have  anything  to  do  with  you  ;  hold 
your  tongue  and  be  oil.  In  some  such  mood  as  this  he  received  a 
visit  from  a  lady  on,'  daj  who  was  well-acquainted  will)  bis  invincible 
repugnance  to  her  sex's  predominant  disposition,  and  who  therefore 
forbore  speaking  bul  simply  in  reply  to  his  laconic  queries.  The  con- 
sultation was  conducted  during  three  visits  in  the  following  manner : — 
First  day— Lady  enters  and  hoi. Is  out  her  finger— Abernethy.  'Cut?' 
Lady.  « Bite.'  k.  'HogV  L.  'Parrot.'  A.  'Go  home  and  poulti 
it.'    Second  day— Finger  held  out  again— A.  'Better?'     I..  'Woi 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  121 

A.  '  Go  home  and  poultice  it  again.'  Third  day — Finger  held  out  as 
before — A.  'Better?'  L.  'Well.'  A.  '  You're  the  most  sensible  wo- 
man I  ever  met  with. — Good  bye — Get  out.' 

Another  lady  having-  scalded  her  arm,  called  at  the  usual  hour  to 
show  it  three  successive  days,  when  similar  laconic  conversations  took 
place.  First  day — Patient,  exposing-  the  arm,  says — 'Burnt.'  A.  '  I 
see  it,'  and  having-  prescribed  a  lotion;  she  departs.  Second  day — 
Patient  shows  the  arm,  and  says — 'Better.'  A.  'I  know  it.'  Third 
day — .Again  showing-  the  arm,  Patient — '  Well.'  A.  'Any  fool  can  tell 
that.—  What  d'ye  come  ag-ain  for? — Get  away.' 

A  patient  consulted  Mr.  Abernethy  for  a  pain  of  the  arm,  and,  hold- 
ing- it  up  in  the  air,  said,  '  It  always  gives  me  pain  when  I  hold  it  up 
so.'     A.  '  Then  why  the  devil  do  you  hold  it  up  so?' 

In  all  cases  of  obesity  and  repletion,  Mr.  Abernethy  was  especially 
impatient,  and  indisposed  to  prescribe.  A  portly  gentleman  from  the 
country  once  called  on  him  for  advice  and  received  the  following-  an- 
swer :  '  You  nasty  beast,  you  go  and  fill  your  g ,  and  then  you 

come  to  me  to  empty  them.' 

A  young  lady  was  brought  one  morning  by  her  mamma,  complaining- 
of  difficulty  of  breathing  when  taking  exercise  and  after  her  meals. 
Perceiving  her  to  be  tightly  laced  round  the  waist,  Mr.  Abernethy 
seized  a  pair  of  scissors,  and  without  saying  a  word,  ripped  up  the  stays 
from  top  to  bottom,  and  then  desired  her  to  walk  about  for  ten  minutes. 
The  injunction  being  complied  with  accordingly,  he  demanded  how  she 
felt.  '  Better,'  was  the  reply.  The  mandate  was  repeated,  and  the 
walk  being  finished,  he  asked — '  How  now?'  '  Quite  well,'  was  the  an- 
swer. Abernethy.  '  That  will  do. — Take  her  away, — and  don't  let  her 
wear  tight  stays.'  In  such  a  case  a  common  physician  would  probably 
prescribe  to  oblige  the  apothecary  and  to  please  the  patient.  The  ec- 
centric professor  went  directly  to  the  cause  at  once,  and  removed  it, 
without  caring  who  was  pleased  or  who  not  so,  having  no  sinster  object 
in  view.  Another  young  lady  was  one  summer's  morning  brought  to 
him  by  her  mother  in  consequence  of  the  former  having  swallowed  a 
spider.  Mr.  Abernethy  dextrously  caught  a  blue-bottle  fly  as  it  fled 
by  him,  and  told  the  patient  to  put  it  into  her  mouth,  and  if  she  spit 
it  out  in  a  few  moments  the  spider  would  come  out  with  it. 

A  lawyer  having  called  to  show  the  state  of  his  leg,  proceeded  to  re- 
move the  bandages,  which  Mr.  Abernethy  endeavoured  to  prevent, 
repating  every  now  and  then — 'No,  no — that  will  do, — shut  it  up — 
shut  it  up.'  Accordingly  the  lawyer  yielded  at  length,  but  determined 
on  revenge  Mr.  Abernethy  having  simply  prescribed  for  the  stomach 
without  regard  to  the  leg,  the  patient  tendered  a  shilling,  and  pre- 
pared to  depart,  when  the  former,  missing  the  expected  sovereign,  ob- 
served that  there  must  be  some  mistake.  '  No,  no,'  said  the  lawyer, 
advancing  to  the  door, '  that  will  do — that  will  do, — shut  it  up — shut 
it  up.'  

Work  of  Necessity. — Unbuttoning  a  young  gentleman's 
waistcoat,  to  enable  him  to  pick  up  his  cane. 


122  THE   BOOK   OF 

Habit.— Habit  will  reconcile  us  to  every  thing  but  change, 
and  even  to  change  if  it  recur  not  too  quickly.  Milton,  therefore, 
makes  his  hell  an  ice-house,  as  well  as  an  oven,  and  freezes  his 
devils  at  one  period,  but  bakes  them  at  another.  The  late  Sir 
George  Staunton  informed  ine,  that  he  had  visited  a  man  in  India, 
who  had  committed  a  murder,  and,  in  order  not  only  to  save  his 
life,  but  what  was  of  much  more  consequence,  his  caste,  he  sub- 
mitted to  the  penalty  imposed  ;  this  was,  that  he  should  sleep  for 
seven  years  on  a  bedstead,  without  any  mattress,  the  whole  surface 
of  which  was  studded  with  points  of  iron  resembling  nails,  but  not 
so  sharp  as  to  penetrate  the  flesh.  Sir  George  saw  him  in  the 
fifth  year  of  his  probation,  and  his  skin  was  then  like  the  hide  of 
a  rhinoceros,  but  more  callous ;  at  that  time,  however,  he  could 
sleep  comfortably  on  his  'bed  of  thorns,'  and  remarked,  that  at  the 
expiration  of  the  term  of  his  sentence,  he  should  most  probably 
continue  that  system  from  choice,  which  he  had  been  obliged  to 
adopt  from  necessity. 


ON  THE  MARRIAGE  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Cloe,  a  coquet  in  her  prime, 

The  vainest,  ficklest  thing  alive ; 
Behold  tlie  strange  effects  of  time  ! 

Marries,  and  dotes  at  forty-five. 
Thus  weathercocks  which  for  awhile 

Have  turned  about  with  every  blast, 
Grow  old,  and  destitute  of  oil, 

liust  to  a  point  and  fix  at  last. 


.  y x^x   - 


FIGHT  WITH  A  JAGUAR,  OR  AMERICAN  TIGER. 

A  correspondent  of  the  Galveston  News  gives  an  account  of  a 
desperate  fight  between  a  Mr.  Absolom  Williams,  who  is  about  sen  nty 
years  of  age,  his  wife,  and  an  enormous  tiger,  whieh  occurred  about 
the  1st  of  December  1852,  at  Mr.  Williams's  residenoe.  While  Mr.  and 
Mrs.  Williams  were  sitting  in  their  house,  the  rest  of  the  family  bring 
absent,  they  were  startled  by  a  Strange  noise  in  the  yard.  Mr.  Wil- 
liams, on  going  out,  discovered  his  dog  engaged  with  a  tiger.  He 
seizi  '1  an  ox  yoke  and  aimed  a  blow  at  the  beast,  but,  missing  it,  struck 
his  dog,  which  immediately  retreated.  In  an  instant  the  tiger  sprang 
upon  Mr.  Williams,  and,  seizing  him  by  the  baud,  jerked  him  about 
twenty  feet.  The  old  gentleman  finding  himself  in  the  too  pov, 
grasp  of  the  wild  animal,  courageously  determined  to  give  it  the  best 
'rough  and  tumble  light1  in  his  power,  and,  having  no  weapon  within 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  123 

reach,  he  seized  the  tiger  by  the  throat  with  the  other  hand,  and 
throwing  his  whole  strength  forward,  bore  the  animal  to  the  ground 
both  falling  side  by  side. 

At  this  time  Mrs.  Williams  came  to  the  rescue,  with  a  gun,  which 
she  snapped  at  the  tiger,  but  there  being  no  priming  in  the  pan,  it  did 
not  go  off.  Mr.  Williams  then  with  one  arm  round  the  tiger's  body, 
and  grasping  its  throat  with  his  other  hand,  by  an  effort  disengaged 
himself.  The  tiger,  discovering  a  new  adversary  in  the  person  of  Mrs. 
Williams,  jumped  at  her,  and  attempted  to  grasp  her  head  within  its 
jaws,  while  it  struck  and  lacerated  her  breast  with  its  fore  paws.  She 
tried  to  avoid  the  monster,  but  was  felled  to  the  ground.  The  tiger 
made  another  grasp  at  her  head,  his  upper  teeth  penetrating  at  the 
top  of  the  skull,  and,  sliding  along  the  bone,  peeled  off  the  skin  till 
they  met  the  lower  teeth,  which  penetrated  on  the  right  side  of  her 
face.  In  the  mean  time,  Mr.  Williams  had  seized  the  ox-yoke  again, 
and,  giving  the  tiger  a  tremendous  blow,  caused  it  to  leave  Mrs.  Wil- 
liams, when  it  leaped  into  the  house  and  got  under  the  bed.  The  door 
was  immediately  closed,  and  the  monster  secured.  Mr.  Williams  was 
exhausted  from  the  effects  of  his  wounds,  from  which  the  blood  flowed 
in  streams  ;  but  not  so  his  wife.  When  she  saw  their  foe  attempt  to 
take  possession  of  their  house,  she  determined  to  finish  the  battle,  and, 
notwithstanding  the  severity  of  her  wounds,  her  dress  almost  entirely 
torn  from  her  person,  and  covered  with  blood,  she  deliberately  took 
the  gun,  and,  shaking  some  powder  from  the  barrel  into  the  pan,  pla- 
ced the  muzzle  between  one  of  the  openings  which  the  logs  of  the 
house  afforded,  and  fired  with  steady  and  deadly  aim.  The  tiger  was 
killed.  When  subsequently  measured,  it  was  found  to  be  twelve  feet 
from  the  tip  of  the  tail  to  its  nose.  During  all  the  time  the  fight  was 
progressing  no  one  was  within  hearing.  Mr.  William's  nearest  neigh- 
bour lives  three  miles  off.  However,  as  Mrs.  Williams  was  washing 
the  blood  from  her  person,  a  neighbour  came  riding  by,  and,  alarmed 
at  her  appearance,  inquired  the  cause.  The  old  lady,  unable  from  the 
loss  of  blood,  to  speak,  pointed  to  the  dead  body  of  the  tiger.  The 
escape  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Williams  is  indeed  wonderful,  and  they  are 
now  recovering  gradually  from  their  wounds.  Mr.  Williams  jokes 
about  the  tiger  fight,  and  intimates  that  the  old  lady  was  most  enraged 
when  the  '  varmint '  took  possession  of  his  bed  and  house. 

Misconception. — The  following  conversation  is  said  to  have 

taken  place  between  Mrs. ,  of  Boston,  and  her  maid  :  '  Leah, 

bring  me  some  water  with  the  chill  taken  off.'  '  Yes,  ma'am, 
directly.'  '  Leah,  what  on  earth  keeps  you  ?'  '  I've  been  looking 
ever  since  for  the  chill,  ma'am,  and  I  can't  find  it.'  This  reminds 
us  of  the  boy  sent  to  boil  some  eggs  soft ;  when  questioned  aa 
to  what  detained  him,  he  answered.  "  Hot  the  things,  it  ain't 
no  use,  they  won't  bile  soft.  I've  been  at  'em  more  than  an  hour, 
and  the  more  I  bile  'em  the  harder  they  gets,'' 


124  THE   BOOK   OF 

The  Nantucket  Islander  says  the  following  story  was  lately  told 
by  a  reformed  inebriate,  as  an  apology  for  much  of  the  folly  of 
drunkards : — A  mouse  ranging  about  a  brewery,  happening  to  fall 
into  a  vat  of  beer,  was  in  imminent  danger  of  drowning,  and  ap- 
pealed to  a  cat  to  help  him  out.  The  cat  replied, '  It  is  a  foolish 
request,  for  as  soon  as  I  get  you  out  I  shall  eat  you.'  The  mouse 
piteously  replied  that  that  would  be  far  better  than  to  be  drowned 
in  beer.  The  cat  lifted  him  out,  but  the  fume  of  the  beer  caused 
puss  to  sneeze,  and  the  mouse  took  refuge  in  a  hole.  The  cat 
called  upon  the  mouse  to  come  out — '  Did  you  not  promise  that  I 
should  eat  you  ?'  '  Ah  !'  replied  the  mouse, '  I  did,  but  you  know 
/  was  in  liquor  at  the  tune.' 


HOW  TO  SAVE  ONE'S  BACON. 

Early  one  fine  morning-,  as  Terence  O'Fleary  was  hard  at  work  in 
his  potatoe-garden,  he  was  accosted  by  his  gossip,  Mick  Casey,  who 
he  perceived  had  his  Sunday  clothes  on. 

•  God's  'bud  !  Terry,  man,  what  would  you  be  afthur  doing-  there 
wid  them  praties,  an  Phelim  O'Loug-hlin's  berrin'  goin'  to  take  place? 
Come  along-,  ma  buchel !  sure  the  praties  will  wait?' 

'  Och !  no,'  sis  Terry,  '  I  must  dig-  on  this  ridge  for  the  childer's 
breakfast,  an'  thin  I'm  g-oin'  to  confession  to  Father  O'Higgins,  who 
holds  u  stashin  beyont  there  at  his  own  house.' 

•  Bother  take  the  stashin  !'  sis  Mick,  'sure  that  'ud  wait  too.'  But 
Terence  was  not  to  be  persuaded. 

Away  went  Mick  to  the  berrin1 ;  and  Terence,  having-  finished,  '  wid 
the  praties,'  as  he  said,  went  down  to  Father  O'Higgins,  where  he  was 
shown  into  the  kitchen,  to  wait  his  turn  for  confession.  He  had  not 
been  long  standing  there,  before  the  kitchen  fire,  when  bis  attention 
was  attracted  by  a  nice  piece  of  bacon,  which  hung-  in  the  chimney- 
corner.  Terry  looked  at  it  again  and  again,  and  wished  the  cliilder 
'had  it  at  home  wid  the  praties.' 

'  Murther  alive  !'  says  he,  'will  I  take  it?  Sure  the  priest  can  spare 
it;  an  it  would  be  a  rare  thrate  to  Judy  an'  the  gorsoous  at  home,  to 
say  nothin1  iv  mys<  If,  who  hasn't  tasted  the  likes  this  main's  the  day.' 
Terry  looked  at  it  again,  and  then  turned  away, saying — 'I  won't  take 
it — why  wou'd  I,  an'  it  not  mine,  but  the  priest's !  an'  I'd  have  the  sin 
iv  it,  sure  !  I  won't  lake  it,"  replied  he,  '  an'  its'  nothing  but  the  Quid 
Boy  himself  thafs  timptin'  me!  But  sure  it's  no  harm  to  feel  it,  any 
way,' said  he,  taking  it  into  his  hand,  and  looking  earnestly  at  it;  'Och! 
it's  a  beauty  ;  and  why  wouldn't  1  on -ry  it  home  to  Judy  and  the  cliil- 
der?    An'  sure  it  won't  be  a  sin  afther  I  confesses  it!' 

Well,  into  bis  great  ooal  pocket  he  thrust  it;  and  he  had  scaroely 
dote-  BO,  When  the  maid  came  in  and  told  him  that  it  was  bis  turn   for 

oonfi    ion, 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  125 

'  Murther  alivn  !  I'm  kilt  and  ruin'd,  borse  and  foot,  now,  joy,  Terry ; 
what'll  I  do  in  this  quandary,  at  all,  at  all  ?  By  gannies !  I  must  thry 
an'  make  the  best  of  it,  any  how,'  says  he  to  himself,  and  in  he  went. 

He  knelt  to  the  priest,  told  his  sins,  and  was  about  to  receive  abso- 
lution, when  all  at  once  he  seemed  to  recollect  himself,  and  cried  out: 

'  Oh  !  stop — stop,  Father  O'Hig-gins,  dear  !  for  goodness'  sake,  stop! 
I  have  one  great  big-  sin  to  tell  yit ;  only  sir,  I'm  frightened  to  tell  id, 
in  the  regard  of  never  having-  done  the  like  afore,  sur,  niver  !' 

'  Come,'  said  Father  O'Higgins,  '  you  must  tell  it  to  me.' 

'  Why,  then,  your  Riverince,  I  will  tell  id ;  but,  sir,  I'm  ashamed 
like?' 

'  Oh,  never  mind  !  tell  it,'  said  the  priest. 

'  Why,  then,  your  Riverince,  I  went  out  one  day  to  a  g-intleman's 
house,  upon  a  little  bit  of  business,  an'  he  bein'  ing-aged,  I  was  showed 
into  the  kitchen  to  wait.  Well,  sur,  there  I  saw  a  beautiful  bit  iv  ba- 
con hanging-  in  the  chimbly-corner.  I  looked  at  id,  your  Riverince, 
an'  my  teeth  beg'an  to  wather.  I  don't  know  how  it  was,  sur,  but  I 
suppose  the  Divil  timpted  me,  for  I  put  it  into  my  pocket;  but,  if  you 
plaze,  sur,  I'll  give  it  to  you,'  and  he  put  his  hand  into  his  pocket. 

'  Give  it  to  me  !'  said  Father  O'Hig-g-ins;  '  no,  certainly  not ;  g-ive  it 
back  to  the  owner  of  it.' 

'  Why,  then  your  Riverince,  sur,  I  offered  id  to  him,  and  lie  would- 
n't take  id.' 

'Oh!  he  wouldn't,  wouldn't  he?'  said  the  priest;  'then  take  it 
home,  and  eat  it  yourself,  with  your  family.' 

'  Thank  your  Riverince  kindly !'  says  Terence,  '  an'  I'll  do  that 
same  immediately,  plaize  God:  but  first  and  foremost,  I'll  have  the  ab- 
solution, if  you  plaize,  sir.' 

Terence  received  absolution,  and  went  home  rejoicing-  that  he  had 
been  able  to  save  his  soul  and  his  bacon  at  the  same  time. 


A  PUZZLE. 

Oh  dear !  what  can 

the  matter  be? 

that !       name 

what 

same 

well 

g-lad 

tell 

sad 

in             my 

not 

the 

not 

not 

not 

is 

chang-'d    except 

know 

not 

am 

am 

dare 

heart 

be             all 

I 

I'm 

I 

I 

I 

my 

I               in 

indeed 

myself 

ill 

g-riev'd 

cause 

sick 

shall       chang-'d 

am 

not 

not 

not 

the 

is 

when         I'm 

I 

I'm 

am 

am 

0 

heart 

0 

I 

I 

But 

my 

—  ■  ■ 

Undoubted  Courage.—'  Sambo,  you  nigger,  are  you  afraid 
of  work?'  '  G  or  Almighty  bless  you  Massa,  I  no  'fraid  of  work, 
I'll  lie  down  and  go  asleep  close  by  him  side.' 


126  THE   BOOK   OF 

THE  MARRIED  SCHOLAR. 

A  scholar  newly  enter'd  marriage  life, 

By  study  much,  he  did  offend  his  wife ; 

While  all  his  company  she  expected, 

He  lov'd  his  books  and  his  new  wife  neglected. 

She  to  his  study  came,  '  My  dear,'  said  she, 

Extreme  love  to  your  books  eclipses  me : 

I  wish  I  were  transform 'd  into  a  book, 

That  your  affection  might  upon  me  look  ! 

But  in  my  wish  I'd  have  it  so  decreed, 

I'd  be  a  book  that  you  would  love  to  read. 

Husband,  now  say,  which  book's  form  should  I  take?' 

'  Mary,'  said  he,  '  'twere  best  an  Almanack  : 

The  reason  why  I  would  desire  it  so, 

Almanacks  are  new  every  year,  you  know. 


ANDERSON,  THE  WIZARD,  SOLD  BY  A  YANKEE. 

Professor  Anderson  was  looking-  over  the  American  and  foreign 
newspapers  in  the  office  of  the  New  York  Diitrltwan,  when  he  saw 
that  he  was  closely  scrutinized  by  a  gentleman  of  tall  stature  and 
swarthy  appearance,  who  was  evidently  from  the  country.  The  fol- 
lowing conversation  took  place:  — 

'I  say!  are  you  Professor  Anderson,  eh?' 

'Yes,  sir.' 

'  Wal,  you're  a  tarnation  smart  man,  I  hear.  You  aint  got  that  are 
bottle  of  yourn  with  ye — have  you?' 

'No,  sir.' 

'  Wal,  I'm  from  down  East,  having  been  raised  in  Maine,  and  I 
should  like  to  purchase  a  duplicate  of  that  are  bottle,  as   I  am  going 

out  stumping  for .     1  guess  if  I  had  your  bottle,  or  its  twin  brother, 

I'd  soon  Bwamp  the  Scotties,  without  talking  politics,  either !' 

'I  never  carry  my  bottle  with  me,  nor  have  I  a  duplicate  of  it.' 

'Sorry  for  that,  sir,1  Bald  the stumper.  'However,'  he  con- 
tinued, 'I  was  once  taught  a  trick  when  a  boy,  but  1  almost  forget 
how  the  thing  was  done,  now.  I'll  tell  you  how  it  was,  stranger,  as 
near  as  I  can.  I  used  to  take  a  red  cent,  and  change  it  into  a  ten- 
dollar  gold  piece.' 

MHi,'  said  the  professor,  'that  is  quite  simple  :  a  mere  trick  of  sleight 
of  band.' 

'  Wal,  I  know  it's  not  very  difficult,  but  as  I  forget  how,  will  you 
show  me?'      At  the  Mime  time  handing  it  cent  to  the  Wizard. 

1  Oh,  yes,  sir,  if  it  will  oblige  you,  1  will  show  you  in  a  moment. 
Hold  your  hand,'  said  the  Wizard,  '  This  is  your  cent,  is  it  not ." 
♦Yes,  sir.' 

'  Clusr  your  hand* 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 


127 


The  down  Easter  closed  his  hand  fast. 

'  Are  you  sure  you  have  it  V  said  the  "Wizard. 

'I  guess  I  have,'  said  he,  'and  I'll  bet  a  dollar  you  can't  change  it 
into  a  ten-dollar  p-old  piece.' 

'Done  !'  said  the  Wizard.     '  Now  hold  fast !' 

'Yes,  sir!  I  reckon  I  will — but  stop!  down  with  your  dollar! 
here's  mine  '.'  said  the  Yankee. 

The  Wizard  covered  bis  dollar. 

'Now,  sir,  are  you  ready  ?'  said  the  Wizard. 

'I  aint  nothing  else  !'  said  the  down  Easter. 

1  Change  !'  said  the  Wizard.     'Now,  sir,  open  your  hand.' 

He  did  so,  and  to  his  utter  astonishment,  he  held  a  bona  fide  ten- 
dollar  gold  piece ! 

'Well,  sir,'  said  the  Wizard,  '  you  see  you  have  lost  your  dollar !' 

'I  guess  I  have  !'  said  he,  handing  over  the  two  dollars. 

'Now,'  said  the  professor,  'I'll  bet  you  another  dollar  I'll  change 
the  ten-dollar  piece  into  your  cent  again,  much  quicker.' 

'No,  yer  don't !'  said  the  gent  from  Maine,  placing  the  ten  dollars 
in  his  pocket,  and  buttoning  up  tight.  '  I'm  much  obliged  to  you, 
purfessor,  but  I  reckon  I'll  leave  it  as  it  is  !  Good  morning,  old /toss  !' 
said  he,  walking  out  of  the  office  ;  and,  turning  round  as  he  reached 
the  door,  he  placed  his  digitals  in  close  approximation  to  his  proboscis, 
saying:  ' I  guess  there  aint  anything  green  about  this  child!'  and 
left  the  professor  in  utter  amazement  at  his  coolness. 


THE  CHAPTER  OF  MISSES. 

The  dear  little  Misses  we  meet  with  in  life, 

What  hopes  and  what  fears  they  awaken ! 
And  when  a  man's  taking  a  Miss  for  his  wife, 

He  is  Miss-led  as  well  as  Miss-taken. 
When  I  courted  Miss  Kidd,  and  obtained  the  first  kiss, 

I  thought,  in  the  warmth  of  my  passion, 
That  I'd  made  a  great  hit  in  gaining  a  Miss, 

But  'twas  only  a  Miss-calculation. 

For  so  many  Misses  surrounded  Miss  Kid, 

With  me  and  my  love  interfering, 
A  jealous  Miss-trust  put  it  into  her  head 

That  she  ought  not  to  give  me  a  hearing. 
There's  a  certain  Miss-chance  that  I  met  with  one  day 

Who  near  sent  my  hopes  to  destruction, 
For  she  had  a  suspicion  of  all  I  might  say- 

And  all  owinir  to  one  Miss-construction, 


Deceived  by  a  Miss-information,  I  wrote, 
The  cause  of  her  anger  demanding  ; 


128  THE    BOOK   OF 

Miss-direction  prevented  her  jetting  the  note, 
And  introduced  Miss-understanding. 

When  to  make  her  my  wife  I  exultingly  swore, 
Miss-belief  'made  her  douht  my  intention  ; 

And  I  nearly  got  wed  to  Miss-Jortnne,  before 
I  could  wean  her  from  Miss-apprehension. 

But  when  she  no  longer  would  yield  to  Miss-doubt 

Nor  be  led  by  Miss-representation, 
She  had  with  Miss-like  a  serious  fall  out, 

And  to  wed  felt  no  more  hesitation. 
But  when  at  the  church  to  be  married  we  went, 

Miss-take  made  the  fat  parson  linger, 
And  I  was  so  annoyed  by  an  awkward  Miss-Jit, 

I  could  not  get  the  ring  on  her  finger. 

Having  been  so  Miss-used,  I  kept  a  strict  watch, 
Though  I  still  lived  in  fear  of  Miss-carriage ; 

I  found  out,  too  late,  that  an  unlucky  Miss-match 
Interfered  with  the  joys  of  our  marriage. 

Miss-rule  in  our  dwelling  made  every  thing  wrong, 
Miss-management  there  took  her  station, 

Till  my  cash,  like  the  time  I  take  writing  my  song, 
Was  all  wasted  by  Miss-application. 


Dean  Swift  being  once  upon  a  journey,  attended  by  a  servant, 
they  put  up  at  an  inn,  where  they  lodged  all  night.  In  the  morn- 
ing the  Dean  called  lor  his  hoots ;  the  servant  immediately  took 
them  to  him :  when  the  Dean  saw  them — "  How  is  this,  Tom," 
Bays  he,  "  my  boots  are  not  cleaned ?"  "No,  sir,"  replied  Tom — 
"  as  you  are  going  to  ride,  I  thought  they  would  soon  be  dirty 
again." — "  Very  well ;  go  and  get  the  horses  ready."  The  servant 
obeyed  his  orders,  and  in  the  mean  time  the  Dean  desired  the 
landlord  to  let  him  have  no  breakfast.  When  Tom  returned,  the 
Dean  asked  if  the  horses  were  ready  ? — "  Yes,  sir."  "  Go  and  bring 
them  out  then." — 1  have  not  had  my  breakfast  yet,  sir." — Oh!  no 
matter  for  that;  if  you  had  it,  you  would  soon  be  hungry  again." 
— They  then  mounted  and  rode  off:  as  they  rode,  the  Dean  pulled 
a  book  out  of  his  pocket,  and  fell  to  reading.  A  gentleman  met 
them,  and  Beeing  the  Dean  leading,  was  not  willing  to  disturb  him, 
but  passi  d  by  till  he  met  the  servant  "  Who  is  that  gentleman?" 
said  he.  -  "  "Tis  my  master,  sir." — "  I  know  that,  you  blockhead — 
but  where  are  you  going':"'  "To  heaven,  sir." — "How  do  you 
know  thatP"  "  Because  I  am  lasting,  and  my  master  is  praying: 
I  think  we  are  in  the  right  road  to  that  place." 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  129 

A  SAILOR. 

As  a  party  of  seamen  were  walking  up  Point-street,  Portsmouth, 

rather  elated  with  liquor,  ahull  which  had  escaped  from  the  King's 
slaughter-house,  came  running  towards  the  jolly  tars  with  his  tail 
erect  in  the  air,  when  all  the  men  jumped  out  of  his  way  except 
one,  and  he  being  an  immense  sturdy  fellow,  stood  in  the  street  di- 
rectly in  the  way  of  the  bull,  and  hailed  him  in  the  following  words: 
— 'Bull,  tihoy !  Bull,  ahoy!  I  cry.  Drop  your  peak,  and  put 
your  helm  a  starboard,  or  you'll  run  aboard  of  me?'  The  bull, 
continuing  his  course,  came  in  contact  with  Jack  and  capsized 
him;  hut  Jack  not  being  intimidated,  sprung  from  the  ground, 
and  shaking  his  clothes,  very  good-naturedly  observed  to  the  bull, 
*  Oh,  you  lubberly  beast,  1  told  you  bow  it  would  be." 


THE  YANKEE  AND  THE  DUTCHMAN'S  DOG 

Abnku  was  a  quiet,  peaceable  sort  of  Yankee,  who  lived  on  the  same 
firm  nn  which  his  fathers  had  lived  before  him,  and  was  generally 
considered  a  pretty  cute  sort  of  a  fellow — always  ready  with  a  trick, 
whenever  it  was  of  the  least  utility,  yet  when  he  did  play  any  of  his 
tricks,  'twas  done  in  such  an  innocent  manner,  that  his  victim  could 
do  no  better  than  take  it  all  in  good  part. 

Now  it  happened  that  one  of  Abner's  neighbours  sold  a  farm  to  a  tol- 
erable green  specimen  of  a  Dntchman — one  of  the  real  unintelligent, 
stupid  sort. 

Von  Vlom  Schlopsch  had  a  dog,  as  Dutchmen  often  have,  who  was 
less  unintelligent  than  his  master,  and  who  had,  since  leaving  his  "fa- 
derland,"  became  sufficiently  civilised  not  only  to  appropriate  the  soil 
as  common  stock,  but  had  progressed  so  far  in  the  good  work  as  to  ob- 
tain his  dinners  from  the  neighbours'  sheepfold  on  the  same  principle. 

When  Abner  discovered  this  propensity  in  the  canine  department  of 
the  Dutchman's  family,  lie  called  over  to  his  new  neighbour's  to  enter 
complaint,  which  mission  he  accomplished  in  the  most  natural  method 
in  the  world. 

"  Wall,  Von,  your  dog  Blitzen's  been  killing  my  sheep." 

"Ya!  dat  ish  bace — bad — he  ish  vo'n  goot  tog — ya  !  dat  ish  bad!" 

"  Sartain,  it's  bad,  and  you'll  have  to  stop  'im." 

"  Ya!  dat  ish  alias  goot — but  Ich  weis  nicht?" 

"  What's  that  you  say  !  he  was  niched?  Wall,  now  look  here,  old 
feller,  nickin's  no  use — crop  'im — cut  the  tail  off  close — chock  up  to 
his  trunk — that'll  cure  him." 

"  Vat  ish  dat!"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  while  faint  ray  of  intel- 
ligence crept  over  his  features,  "  Ya,  dat  ish  goot — dat  cure  von  sheep 
steal,  eh?'" 

1 


130  THE    BOOK   OF 

"Sartain  it  will,  lie'll  never  touch  sheep-meat  again  in  this  world." 
said  Abner,  gravely. 

"  Den  come  mit  me— he  von  mity  g-oot  tog;  all  the  way  from  Yar- 
many ;  I  not  take  one  rive  dollar — but  come  mit  me  and  hold  his  tail, 
th  ?  Ich  chop  him  off.'' 

"Sartain,"  said  Abner,  "  I'll  hold  his  tail  if  you  want  me  tew,  but 
you  must  cut  it  up  close." 

"Ya!  dat  ish  right — Ich  make  'im  von  goot  tog — there,  Blitzen, 
Blitzen,  come  right  here,  you  von  sheep  steal  rashcull — I  chop  your 
tail  in  von  two  pieces." 

The  dog  obeyed  the  summons,  and  the  master  tied  his  feet  fore  and 
aft,  for  fear  of  accident,  and  placing  the  tail  in  the  Yankee's  hand,  re- 
quested to  lay  it  across  a  large  block  of  wood. 

"  Chock  up,"  said  Abener,  as  he  drew  the  butt  of  the  tail  close  over 
the  log-. 

"  Ya,  dat  ish  right— now  you  von  bad  tief  sheep,  I  learns  you  better 
juek,"  said  Von  Vlom  Schlopsch,  as  he  raised  the  axe. 

It  descended,  and  as  it  did  so,  Abner,  with  characteristic  presence 
of  mind,  gave  a  sudden  jerk,  and  brought  Blitzen's  neck  over  the  log, 
and  the  head  rolled  over  the  other  side. 

"  Wall  I  swow !"  said  Abner,  with  apparent  astonishment,  as  he 
dropped  the  headless  trunk  of  the  dog,  "  that  was  a  leetle  too  close  !" 

"  Mine  Cot !"  exclaimed  the  Dutchman,  "you  skust  cut  'im  off  itc 
ivrong  end!" 


Wealth. — An  Arab,  wandering  in  the  deserts,  and  having  eat- 
en nothing  for  two  days,  was  ready  to  expire  with  hunger.  As  he 
passed  by  one  of  the  wells  used  by  the  caravans  to  water  their  cam- 
els, he  perceived  on  the  sand  a  little  leathern  bag.  He  took  it  up; 
and  feeling  something  within, '  Thanks  be  to  Allah!'  said  he,  'these 
are,  I  doubt  not,  either  dates  or  nuts.'  Elated  with  this  expecta- 
tion, he  hastened  to  open  his  bag,  but  as  soon  as  he  saw  what  it 
really  contained,  '  Alas !'  said  he,  in  an  agony  of  distress,  '  here 
are  only  pearls !' 

A  young  student,  showing  the  Museum  at  Oxford  to  a  party, 
produced  a  rustv  sword,  which  he  assured  them  was  the  identical 
sword  with  which  Balaam  was  about  to  kill  bis  ass.  One  of  the 
company  observed  that  he  thought  Balaam  had  no  sword,  but 
only  wished  for  one.  '  You  are  right,'  said  the  student,  'and  this 
is  the  very  sword  that  he  wished  for '.' 

Test  Of  Good  Humour.— Wake  a  man  up  in  the  middle  of 
the  night,  and  ask  him  to  lend  yo/>  five  shillings. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  131 

THE  BACHELOR'S  EPITAPH. 

IN  MEMORY  OF  THE  LATE 

TIMOTHY  SAPLESS  DRYSIDES,  Esq., 

OK   SOLITUDE   HALL,    BUCKS,    AGED   SIXTY. 

Here  lies  a  man  who  never  lived, 
In  social  bliss  at  all ; 

Here  lies  a  man  who  never  wived, 
For  a  Bachelor  he  did  fall. 
Ne'er  visit  this  spot  but  leave  him  to  rot, 
And  let  not  a  tear  fall  on  his  bier, 
Except  by  old  maids  who  may  come  here, 
To  see  the  cause  of  their  being'  so  queer  : 
For  they  were  willing:,  but  he  was  not; 
For  love's  sweet  killing  no  love  he'd  got ! 
lie  was  as  cold  as  the  North  Pole  Sea — 
All  darts  of  Cupid  resisted  he  ! 
The  charms  of  love  and  beauty  were  vain  ! 
Oh  !  Oh  !  this  Bachelor  died  insane  ! 
He  was  wrong  in  his  head  through  all  his  life, 
For  he  took  not  to  bed  a  nice  sweet  wife. 
Then  rot  his  bones  under  this  stone, — 
He's  but  a  Bachelor  whom  none  will  own. 
Old  maids  draw  near  without  a  tear, 
And  loudly  laugh  at  his  epitaph; 
And  place  an  iceberg  on  this  grave, 
An  emblem  of  the  Bachelor  knave  ! 
The  like  on  earth  ne'er  be  again  1 
All  maids  repeat,  Amen,  Amen ! 


'Poor  fugitive  slave,  Bill!"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  as  her  eyes 
ran  over  the  morning  papers,  and  her  quivering  lip  betrayed  the  ag- 
itation of  her  mind  ;  poor  fugitive  slave,  Bill !  I  hope  from  my 
soul  they  won't  catch  him — I  hope  they  won't." 

Sheridan  is  reported  to  have  once  fallen  into  a  coal-cellar  on 
his  way  home,  after  a  good  supper  at  Druvy  Lane  ;  and  his  abuse 
of  the  vendor,  for  not  keeping  a  light  at  his  cellar-door  was  warm- 
ly retorted  by  the  wife.  'Hang  it,' cried  Sheridan,  who  was  not 
hurt,  'do  you  think  I  want  to  pocket  your  coals  !' — '  No  ,'  retorted 
the  wench,  'but  your  nose  may  set  the  coal-hole  on  fire.' 

Height  of  Charity. — Unlacing  a  young  lady's  stays,  toenahle 
her  to  sneeze. 


132  THE   BOOK   OF 

Quarrels. — If  you  cannot  avoid  a  quarrel  with  a  blackguard, 
let'your  lawyer  manage  it,  rather  than  yourself.  No  man  sweeps 
lis  own  chimney,  but  employs  a  chimney  sweeper,  who  has  no 
objection  to  dirty  work,  because  it  is  his  trade. 


The  Font  and  the  Altar.— A  gentleman  of  eighty-four  hav- 
ing taken  to  the  altar  a  very  young  damsel,  the  clergyman  led  the 
way  to  the  font.  'What  do  I  want  with  the  font?'  said  the  old 
bridegroom.  '  I  beg  your  pardon,'  replied  the  clerical  wit;  'I 
thought  you  had  brought  this  child  to  be  christened.' 


THE  PYRAMID  OF  BAYONETS. 

The  officers  as  well  as  sub-officers  or  the  Russian  horse-guards  are 
subjected  to  the  most  rigorous  discipline,  and  are  required  to  execute, 
on  horseback,  all  the  manoeuvres  of  a  theatrical  equestrian. 

One  day  an  officer  ot"  the  lancer  guard  was  going  through  his  exer- 
cise  before  the  Grand-Duke.     He  had  performed  all  the  usual  evolu- 
tions in  the  most  satisfactory  way  until,  when  at  full  gallop,  he  was 
nly  ordered  to  turn, — his  horse  proved  restive,  and  refused  to 
obey  either  liridle  or  spur. 

The  command  was  repeated  in  a  thundering  voice,  and  the  officer 
renewed  his  (Hurts  to  make  the  horse  obey  it;  hut  without  effect,  for 
the  fiery  animal  continued  to  prance  about  in  defiance  of  his  rider,  who 
was  nevertheless  an  excellent  horseman. 

The  rage  of  the  Grand-Duke  had  vented  itself  in  furious  impreca- 
tions, and  all  present  trembled  for  the  consequences.  '  Halt !'  he  ex- 
exclaimed,  and  ordered  a  pyramid  of  twelve  muskets  with  fixed  bayo- 
in  is,  to  be  erected.     The  order  was  instantly  obeyed. 

The  officer  had  by  this  time  subdued  the  restiveness  of  his  horse, 
was  ordered  to  leap  the  pyramid — and  the  spirited  horse  bore  bis  rider 
baf  ly  over  it. 

Without  an  interval  of  delay,  the  officer  was  commanded  to  repeat 
irful  leap,  and  to  the  amazement  of  all  present  the  noble  horse 
and  his  brave  rider  stood  in  safety  on  the  other  side  of  the  pyramid. 

The  Grand-Duke  exasperated  at  finding  himself  thus  thwarted  in 
bis  barbarous  purpose,  repeated  the  order  for  the  third  time.     A 
rial,  who  happened  to  be  present,  now  stepped  forward  and  interceded 
for  the  pardon  of  the  officer;  observing  thai  the  horse  was  exhausted, 

and  that  tbe  enforcement  •  if  the  order    would    he   to  doom   both   horse 

iiml  rider  to  a  horrible  death. 

This  humane  remonstrance  was  not  only  disregarded,  but  was  pun- 
ished by  the  immediate  arresl  of  the  general  who  had  thus  pri  sumed 
to  rebel. 

'i  lie  word  of  command  n  ts  Iven,  and  horse  and  rider  for  the  third 
time  cleared  tin  ■.  litt*  ring  b 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  1,33 

Rendered  furious  by  these  repeated  disappointments,  tbe  Grand-Duke 
exclaimed  for  the  fourth  time: — 'To  the  left  about —Forward!' — The 
command  was  obeyed,  and  for  the  fourth  time  the  horse  leapt  the  pyra- 
mid and  then,  with  his  rider,  dropped  down  exhausted.  The  officer 
extricated  himself  from  the  saddle  and  rose  unhurt,  but  the  horse  had 
bulb  his  fore-legs  broken. 

The  countenance  of  the  officer  was  deadly  pale,  his  eyes  stared  wild- 
ly, and  his  knees  sIiook  under  him. 

A  deadly  silence  prevailed  as  he  advanced  to  the  Grand-Duke,  and 
laying  his  sword  at  his  Highness'  feet,  he  thanked  him  in  a  faltering 
voice  for  the  honour  he  had  enjoyed  in  the  Emperor's  service. 

'  I  take  back  your  sword,'  said  the  Grand-Duke,  gloomily,  '  and  are 
you  not  aware  of  what  may  be  the  consequence  of  this  undutiful  con- 
duct towards  me?' 

The  officer  was  sent  to  the  guard-house.  He  subsequently  disappear- 
ed, and  no  trace  of  him  could  be  discovered. 

This  scene  took  place  at  St.  Petersburg!),  and  the  facts  are  proved 
by  the  evidence  of  credible  eye-witnesses. 


EPIGRAM  FROM  SCARROBT. 

A  Confessor  was  caught  t'other  day  rather  jolly, 
"Who  observed,  "  When  a  man  has  committed  a  folly, 
If  he  has  any  sense  left,  hastens  straightway  to  me. 
When,  confessing  his  guilt,  I  can  soon  set  him  free; 
But  how  hard  is  my  fate !  for  when  wrong  I  have  done, 
Absolution's  denied  me  by  every  one ; 
In  which  case,  that  I  may  from  conscience  escape, 
Take  refuge  from  thought  in  the  juice  of  the  grape. 


Professional  Pomposity  is  well  taken  off  in  the  following 
anecdote.  Shields  Doctor  :  (looking  learned  and  speaking  slowly)  ■ 
'Well,  mariner,  which  tooth  do  you  want  extracted  ?  Is  it  a  molar 
or  incisor  ?'  Jack  (short  and  sharp) :  '  It  is  in  the  upper  tier,  on 
the  larboard  side.  Bear  a  hand,  you  swab,  for  it  is  nipping  my 
jaw  like  a  lobster  !' 


A  wittol,  a  barber,  and  a  bald-headed  man  travelled  together. 
Losing  their  way,  they  were  forced  to  sleep  in  the  open  air  ;  and, 
to  avert  danger,  it  was  agreed  to  keep  watch  by  turns.  The  lot 
first  fell  on  the  barber,  who,  for  amusement,  shaved  the  fool's  head 
while  he  slept ;  he  then  woke  him,  and  the  fool,  raising  his  hand 
to  scratch  his  head,  exclaimed,  '  Here's  a  pretty  mistake,  rascal' 
you  have  waked  the  bald-headed  man  instead  of  me,' 


L34  THE    BOOK    OF 

There  is  one  passage  in  the  Scriptures  to  which  all  the  poten- 
tates of  Europe  seem  to  have  given  their  unanimous  asseut  and 
approbation,  and  to  have  studied  so  thoroughly  as  to  have  it  quite 
at  their  fingers'  ends.  '  There  went  out  a  decree  in  the  days  of 
Claudius  Ccesar,  that  all  the  world  should  be  taxed.' 


Namesakes. — The  head  of  John  the  Baptist,  which  is  at 
Amiens,  was  shown  to  the  Abbe  de  Marolles.  In  kissing  it  he  ex- 
claimed, 'God  be  praised!  this  is  fifth  or  sixth  that  I  have  had 
the  honour  of  kissing.' 


aTJEEE  OLD  BACHELORS. 

Ten  thousand  pounds  1  will  bet, 
You  would  not  find  so  queer  a  set, 

As  queer  old  Bachelors ! 
And  their  loss  none  could  regret, 
Ever  seeking  gold  to  get, 

Sordid  old  Bachelors  ! 

When  fair  ladies  they're  before, 
They  prove  themselves  quite  a  bore, 

Plaguy  old  Bachelors  ! 
They've  offer'd  love  to  many  a  score, 
Are  yet  unfixed  as  before, 

Restless  old  Bachelors ' 

They  say  that  married  they  will  be, 
When  one  to  suit  them  they  shall  see, 

Flattering  old  Bachelors 
But  sooner  dry  will  be  the  sea, 
Than  they  will  pay  the  marriage  fee, 

Lying  old  Bachelors  ' 

They'd  rather  have  a  dog  and  gun, 
And  on  the  race-course  see  the  run, 

Sporting  old  Bachelors ! 
While  in  the  betting  they  arc  done, 
Regret  must  bitter  ends  such  fun, 

Foolii  li  old  Bachelors  ' 

Yel  -till  in  riot's  course  they  pr 
h  cannot  end  their  sad  disti 

lii c.  iv'd  old  Bachelors  ' 
The  g\a  -  unto  their  lips  they  press, 

And  tin  ii  it  i  nils  in  drnnLrnni 

Drunki  n  old  Bachelors ' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  135 

Wine  and  women  they  pursue, 
Wealth  they  ever  covet  too, 

Lustful  old  Bachelors ! 
Women  often  make  them  rue, 
Money  brings  them  mesery  too, 

Wretched  old  Bachelors ! 

They've  no  wife  to  tend  their  purse, 
None  with  wliom  they  can  converse, 

Lonely  old  Bachelors 
And  they  have  themselves  to  nurse, 
And  their  life  is  quite  a  curse, 

Helpless  old  Bachelors ! 

Gentle  maidens  !  heed  them  not, 
Despise  the  riches  they  have  got, 

Despise  old  Bachelors ! 
The  hulky,  skulky,  sulky  lot, 
They'll  lonely  live,  and  lonely  rot, 

They'll  DIE  Old  Bachelors  ! 


GUTTISTG  THE  FISH. 

One  evening-  a  red-headed  Connaught  swell,  of  no  small  aristocra 

tic  pretensions  in  his  own  eyes,  sent  his  servant,  whom  he  had  just 

imported  from  the  long-horned  kingdom,  in  all  the  rough  majesty  of 

a  creature  fresh  from  the  'wilds,'  to  purchase  a  hundred  of  oysters  on 

the  City  quay.     Paddy  stayed  so  long  away,  that  Squire  Trigger  got 

quite  impatient  and  unhappy  lest  his  'body  man'  might  have  slipped 

into  the  Lift'ey  ;  however,  to  bis  infinite  relief,  Paddy  soon  made  his 

appearance,  puffing  and  blowing  like  a  disabled  bellows,  but  carrying 

bis  load  seemingly  in  great  triumph.       Well,  Pat,'  cried  the  master, 

'what  the  devil  kept  you  so  long?'  'Long  !  a  thin,  may  be  it's  what 

you'd  have  me  to  come  home  with  half  my  arrant  ?'  says  Pat.     '  Half 

the  oysters?'  says  the  master.     'No;  but  too  much  of  the  fish,'  says 

Pat.     '  What  fish  ?'   says  he.     '  The  oysters,  to  be   sure,'   says  Pat. 

'  What  do  you  mean,  blockhead  ?'  says  he.     '  I  mean,'  says  Pat,  '  that 

there  was  no  use  with  loading  myself  with  more  nor  was  useful.'  'Will 

you  explain  yourself?"  says  he.     '  I  will,'  says  Pat,  laying  down  his 

load.     '  Well  then,  you  see,  plaise  your  honour,  as  I  was  coming  home 

along  the  quay,  mighty  peaceable,  who  should  I  meet  but  Shammus 

Maginnis;  'Good  morrow,  Shamien,'  sis  I;    'Good  morrow  kindly, 

Paudeen,'  sis  he  ;  '  What  is  it  you  have  in  the  sack  V  sis  he  ;  '  A  Cwt. 

of  oysters,'  sis  I ;  'Let  us  look"  at  them,'  6is  he  ;  '  I  will,  and  welcome, 

sis  I ;  'Orah  !  thunder  and.  pratees  !'  sis  he,  openin  the  sack  an  exa- 

minin  them  ;  '  who  sowld  yon  these  ?'  '  One  Tom  Kinham,  that  keeps 

a  small  ship  there  below,'  sis  I  ;  'Musha  then,  bad  luck  to  that  same 


13G  THE   BOOK   OF 

Tom  that  sowhl  the  likes  to  you,'  sis  he;  'Arab,  why,  avic?'  sis  I; 
'To  make  a  Bulshour  ov  you  an  give  thim  to  you  without  putting; 
thim,' sis  he  ;  'An  arn't  they  gutted,  Jim,  aroon  ?'  sis  I;  'Oli!  bad 
luck  to  the  one  o'  thim,'  sis  he ;  '  Musha  then,'  sis  I,  '  what  the  dhoul 
will  I  do  at  all  at  all,  fur  the  master  will  be  mad  ;'  '  Do  !'  sis  lie,  'why 
I'd  rather  do  the  thing  for  you  mysel  nor  you  should  lose  yon  place,* 
sis  he ;  so  wid  that  he  begins  to  gut  them  wid  his  knife,  nate  and  clain, 
an  afeered  ov  dirtying  the  flags,  begor,  he  swallowed  the  guts  himself 
from  beginnin  to  ind,  tal  he  had  thim  as  dacent  as  you  see  thim  here' 
—  dashing  down  at  his  master's  feet  his  bag  of  oyster  shells,  to  the  no 
small  amazement  of  the  Connaught  worthy,  as  you  may  suppose. 


EFFECT  OF  MUSIC. 

A  Scotch  bag-piper  traversing  the  mountains  of  Ulster,  in  Ire- 
land, was  one  evening  encountered  by  a  starved  Irish  wolf.  In 
his  distress  the  poor  man  could  think  of  nothing  better  than  to 
open  bis  wallet,  and  try  the  effects  of  bis  hospitality  ;  he  did  so, 
anil  the  savage  swallowed  all  that  was  thrown  to  him,  with  so  im- 
proving a  voracity  as  if  his  appetite  was  but  just  returning  to  him. 
The  whole  stock  of  provision  was,  of  course,  soon  spent,  and  now 
his  only  recourse  was  to  the  virtues  of  his  bagpipe  :  which  the  mon- 
ster no  sooner  beard,  than  be  took  to  the  mountains  with  the  same 
precipitation  be  bad  left  them  The  poor  piper  could  not  so  per- 
fectly enjoy  bis  deliverance,  but  that,  with  an  angry  look,  at  part- 
ing he  shook  his  head,  saying,  "  Ay,  are  these  your  tricks  ?  Had 
I  known  your  humour,  you  should  have  bad  music  before  supper." 


^     v  ^     -v  - 


A  GOOD  GUN. 

A  country  farmer  told  a  friend  of  his,  who  had  come  from  town 
for  a  few  days'  shooting,  that  be  once  bad  so  excellent  a  gun  thai 
it  went  off  immediately  upon  a  thief  coming  into  th  •  house,  although 
not  charged.  '  How  the  deuce  is  that?'  said  his  friend.  'Why,' 
replied  the  farmer,  'because  the  thief  carried  ii  off;  and,  what  was 
worse,  before  I  bad  time  to  charge  him  with  it.' 


A  Question. — Judge  Jeffries,  of  notorious  memory,  pointing 
to  a  man  with  his  cane  who  was  about  to  be  tri<  d,  said,  "  There  is 
a  great  rogue  at  the  end  of  my  cane."  The  man  to  whom  be 
pointed)  looking  at  him,  said,  "  At  which  end,  my  Lord  ':" 

•\  Btudenl  in  win!  of  money   sold    his   bonks,  and    wrote   home, 

'  Father,  rejoice  ;  for  1  now  derive  my  supnort  from  literatu 


TUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  137 

An  Extraordinary  Story. — Mr.  Francis,  in  his  recently  pub- 
lished volume  of  insurance  anecdotes,  relates  the  following : — A 
merchant  appeared  in  the  commercial  walks  of  Liverpool,  where, 
deep  in  the  mysteries  of  cotton  and  corn,  a  constant  attendant  at 
church,  a  subscriber  to  local  charities,  and  a  giver  of  good  dinners, 
he  was  much  respected.  The  hospitalities  of  the  house  were 
gracefully  dispensed  by  his  niece  ;  but  at  length  it  became  whis- 
pered that  his  speculations  were  not  successful,  and  it  was  neces- 
sary for  him  to  borrow  money.  This  he  did  upon  the  security  of 
property  belonging  to  his  niece  ;  a  certain  amount  of  secrecy  was 
necessary  for  the  sake  of  his  credit,  .and  the  Liverpool  underwriters 
readily  assented.  He  insured  her  life  with  at  least  ten  different 
merchants  or  underwriters  for  £2,000  each,  and  the  same  game 
was  again  played  over.  The  lady  was  taken  ill,  the  doctor  was 
sent  for,  and  found  her  in  convulsions.  A  specific  was  administered, 
but  in  the  course  of  the  night  he  was  again  summoned,  but  arri- 
ved too  late.  Next  morning  it  was  known  to  all  Liverpool  that  she 
had  died  suddenly.  The  body  lay  in  state,  and  the  merchant  re- 
tained his  position,  and  bore  himself  with  a  decent  dignity  under 
his  affliction.  He  made  no  immediate  application  for  the  money, 
and  scarcely  alluded  to  it,  but  he  had  selected  his  victims  with 
skill.  They  were  safe  and  honourable  men,  and  he  duly  received 
his  £20,000.  From  this  period  he  appeared  to  decline  in  health, 
and  was  recommended  change  of  climate  :  he  went  abroad,  and 
with  liim  his  clever  partner,  who  possessed  the  wonderful  power  of 
simulating  death,  and  deceiving  tbe  medical  men. 


NON-PROPOSALS,  OR  DOUBTS  RESOLVED. 

I  WONDER  when  'twill  be  our  turn 

A  wedding  here  to  keep  ! 
Sure  Thomson's  'flame'  might  quicker  burn, 

His  '  love   seems  gone  to  sleep  ! 
I  wonder  why  he  hums  and  haws 

With  'kerchief  at  his  nose  • 
And  then  makes  one  expecting  pause, 

Yet  still  he  don't  propose. 

I  wonder  whether  Bell  or  Bess, 

It  is  he  most  admires, 
Even  Mi  tress  Match' em  cannot  guess — 

It  really  patience  tires, 
He  hung,  last  night,  o'er  Bella's  chair, 

And  things  seem'd  at  a  close — 
To  day  'twas  Bess  was  all  his  care, 

But.  \<t  he  don't  propose. 


138  THE   BOOK    OF 

He's  gone  to  concert,  play,  and  ball, 
So  often  with  them  now, 

That  it  must  seem  to  one  and  all 
As  binding-  as  a  vow. 

He  certainly  does  mean  to  take 
One  of  the  girls,  and  close 

The  life  he  leads— the  flirting  rake- 
But  yet  he  don't  propose. 

I  often  wonder  what  he  thinks 

We  ask  him  here  to  do — 
Cooly  he  Cockburn's  claret  drinks, 

And  wins  from  me  at  Loo 
For  Twenty  months  he's  dangled  on, 

The  foremost  of  their  beaux, 
While  half-a-dozen  else  have  gone, — 

And  still  he  don't  propose 

No  matter — 'tis  a  comfort,  though, 

To  know  he  will  take  one, 
And  even  tho'  Bess  and  Bella  go, 

He  still  may  fix  on  Fan. 
I'll  have  him  in  the  family, 

That's  sure But,  why,  you  look — ' 

"Oh,  madam,  Mr.  Thomson's  just 

Got  married  to  his  cook ' 


Dr.  Garth,  who  was  one  of  the  Kit-Eat  Club,  coming  there 
one  night,  declared  he  must  soon  begone,  having  many  patients  to 
attend;  but  some  good  wine  being  produced  he  forgot  them. 
When  Sir  Richard  Steele  reminded  him  of  his  appointments,  Garth 
immediately  pulled  out  his  list,  which  amounted  to  fifteen — and 
said,  "  It's  no  great  matter  whether  I  see  them  to-night  or  not,  fin- 
nine  of  them  have  such  hud  constitutions,  that  all  the  physicians 
in  the  world  can't  save  them,  and  the  other  six  have  so  good  con- 
stitutions that  all  the  physicians  in  the  world  can't  kill  them." 

A  Sovereign  Trumpeter.— A  gentleman  holding  a  plate  for 
contributions  at  a  public  meeting,  was  observed  alter  the  collec- 
tion, to  take  away  a  sovereign.  When  charged  with  the  theft,  lie 
replied  that  he  had  put  into  the  plate  as  a  decay  or  trap  ;  and  also 
said,  "you  know  trumpeters  never  fight.' 


A  man,  hearing  that  a  raven  would  live  two  hundred   years, 
bought  one  to  In 


EUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  139 

CHRONICLES  OF  RATTON  ROW,  HALIFAX. 

Nicodemus  Vacuo  Esq.  — He  was  a  very  great  linguist  as  his  con- 
versational use  of  Dog-  Latin  indicated.  He  graduated  at  Windy  Col- 
lege, and  came  off  with  Hying  honours.  When  fifteen  years  of  age, 
he  wrote  a  third  edition  of  A,  B,  C,  revised  and  corrected,  and  after- 
wards translated  the  same  into  all  the  dialects  of  England.  When  1G£ 
years  of  age  he  wrote  the  History  of  Nowhere,  and  a  Geographical 
description  of  a  country  undiscovered.  This  stamped  his  name  with 
uncommon  celebrity.  But  as  a  linguist  he  shone  with  unequalled 
splendour.  He  translated  the  word  Gymnastics  into  James  Nasty, 
Mathematics  into  Matthew  Mattocks,  Hebrew  into  Eye-brow,  Jamaica 
into  James  Aca,  Ireland  into  Wrathland,  Dictionary  into  Richard  Airy, 
Benefit  into  Benjamin  Fit,  Tomahawk  into  Thomas  Hawk,  Malefaction 
into  Mary  Factiou,  Jacobite  into  John-a-bite,  Frankness  into  Francis 
Ness.  This  is  a  specimen  of  his  translations.  The  clergy  were  much 
benefited  by  his  labours,  but  ungratefully  forgot  to  erect  a  monument 
in  honour  of  his  great  genius.     He  was  translated  1692. 

Jacky  Thinsodl. — He  was  a  very  noted  man,  being  a  real  skin-flint. 
All  the  Shopkeepers  in  the  town  dreaded  his  visits,  for  he  was  sure  to 
make  a  bargain  at  their  expense.  He  was  a  real  scraper,  and  raker 
together  of  money,  sacrificing  decency,  honour,  and  honesty ,  to  accom- 
plish his  purpose.  He  often  wept  that  he  could  not  be  fed  by  the 
shadow  of  his  meals,  or  be  clothed  with  the  shadow  of  rags.  In  this 
respect  his  influence  was  infectiously  bad ;  many  in  the  town  were 
inoculated  by  it,  and  that  is  the  reason  why  the  shopkeepers  of  Hali- 
fax have  encountered  such  multitudes  of  narrow-souled  skin-flints  ever 
since.  Besides  Jacky  Thin-soul  professed  to  be  a  churchman  in  the 
strictest  sense  of  the  term.  He  hated  all  who  thought  differently  from 
him,  and  he  had  a  most  persecuting  spirit.  Bobby  Liberal  tried  to 
measure  or  estimate  Jackey's  soul  one  day,  and  the  result  was  that 
Bobby  said,  '  Mathematically  this  chap's  soul  is  the  smallest  particle 
in  God's  universe.  Talk  of  infinite  divisibility !  you  can  divide  this 
'  Thin-soul'  no  more.  Upon  close  investigation  I  find  that  50  Billions 
of  such  souls  might  dance  a  hornpipe  in  the  socket  of  a  mite's  eye. 
He  was  a  native  of  Queenshead,  alias  Niggardly-hill,  abounding  with 
curmudgeons  who  can  calculate  to  the  thousandth  part  of  a  hair's 
breadth.     His  thin-soul  left  his  thin  body  in  the  year  1G9-J. 

Bobby  Liberal  wrote  the  following  lines  as  his  Epitaph. 

Jackey  Thin-soul  is  no  more  in  the  land 
He  has  yielded  at  last  to  death's  icy  hand, 
He  starved  his  body  and  ruined  his  soul, 
He  laboured  for  wealth  by  fair  means  and  foul. 

0  misers,  come  here,  and  see  your  last  end, 
Like  Jackey  Thin-soul  to  death  you  must  bend  ; 
The  gold  you've  collected  and  carefully  tend, 
Must  fall  to  another  when  hither  you  wend. 


140  THE    BOOK   OF 

A  Miser  Jails  down  and  worships  the  yod  of  this  world,  but  will 
have  neither  its  pomps,  its  vanities,  nor  its  pleasures,  for  his  trouble. 
He  lives  poor  to  die  rich,  and  is  the  mere  jailor  of  his  house,  and  the 
turnkey  of  his  wealth.  The  avarice  of  the  miser  may  be  termed  the 
grand  sepulchre  of  all  his  other  passions,  as  they  successively  decay. 
But  unlike  other  tombs  it  is  enlarged  by  repletion,  and  strengthened 
by  age. 

Avarice  begets  more  vices  than  Priam  did  children,  and  like  Priam 
survives  them  all.  It  starves  its  keeper  to  surfeit  those  who  wish 
him  dead,  and  makes  him  submit  to  more  mortifications  to  lose  heave. i 
than  the  martyr  undergoes  to  gain  it. 

Zerubbabel  Pebble  and  Aminadab  Stone. — These  were  two 
very  eminent  Geologists  and  Antiquarians.  They  discovered  that  coal 
was  merely  charred  timber  which  had  been  thrown  down  by  floods, 
and  then  fossilized.  They  disputed  the  Scriptural  Account  of  the  de- 
luge, and  thought  themselves  the  most  accute  Geologists  that  ever  ex- 
isted. There  was  only  one  thing  on  which  they  differed,  whether  a 
brick  was  a  mineral  or  vegetable  substance.  In  this  they  differed  till 
death.  Their  Museum  contained  many  fossil  remains — a  winged  uni- 
corn—the Jackass  ridden  by  Adam's  grandfather,  Noah's  eldest  cow, 
the  tail  of  Balaam's  Ass,  a  quill  from  the  wing  of  Noah's  raven,  a  shoe 
lost  by  the  Egyptians  in  the  Red  Sea,  and  the  Purse  of  Adam's  Uncle, 
Homer's  Stockings,  one  of  Virgil's  garters,  and  Xenophon'a  periwig. 
So  they  said,  and  so  they  believed,  they  were  so  enthusiastic  in  their 
science.  Like  comets  they  moved  in  a  very  eccentric  orbit,  till  they 
became  extinct — 1GU5. 

Obadiaii  Gallipot.  He  was  a  rare  chemist  and  doctor.  He  got 
his  name  up  by  indirectly  sounding  his  own  trumpet,  and  his  shop  was 
always  thronged  with  customers.  One  reason  of  his  extreme  popu- 
larity was,  his  '  Vegetable  Pi//,'  curative  of  all  diseases,  mental  or 
bodily,  and  which  were  tumbled  down  the  throats  of  the  gullables  in 
actual  shoals  Put  it  was  all  Quackery  ;  for  one  time  Gallipot  being 
drunk,  Moses  Quiz  said  to  him,  '  I  Bay,  Gallipot,  tell  me  how  you  ma 
your  Vegetable  Pills?  I  know  you  will  tell  an  old  crony  the  secret.' — 
•They  are  made  of  sheep's-dung,'  said  Gallipot.  '  Shi  ep's-dung  !'  said 
Quiz,  'nonsense,  do  not  think  to  gull  me  in  that  way.'  '  It's  a  fact,' 
said  Gallipot.  'It  is  nut,'  said  Quiz;  'what  you  will  poison  the  p 
pic!' — 'To  convince  you  that  my  Vegetable  Pill  is  so  manufactured, 
if  to-morrow  you  will  give  me  a  day's  work,  gratis,  I  will  convince 
you.'  In  the  morning  Gallipot  and  Quiz  visited  a  noted  sheep-walk, 
and  there  filled  a  basket  with  the  vegi  table  globules,  alias  Twirlin 
Returning  to  bis  laboratory,  Gallipot  rounded  them,  magnesied,  and 

boxed  them,  to  the  great  astonishment  of  MoSOS  Quiz.* 

•  Hi.    •  mtobeafa  t  in  moderu  timi       Oltl    fan,  rnre  fun, 

run,  to  think  what  delicious  slufl  dlon    bou  ihey  an  duped  i>, 


FtJN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  14l 

NATURE  AND  ART. 

The  following  ingenious  test  was  related  In/  a  Rabbin,  which,  in 
the  Talmud,  is  attributed  to  Solomon. 

A  maiden  knelt  before  the  king-, 

And  placed  beside  his  throne 
Two  wreaths — the  one  by  Art  entwin'd, 

The  other  Nature's  own. 

So  exquisite  the  mimic  wreath, 

Wove  with  an  artist's  care, 
She  deem'd  its  hues  would  emulate 

The  flowers  more  rich  and  fair. 

He  grazed  upon  the  beauteous  wreaths, 

Doubt  gather'd  o'er  his  brow  ; 
His  treasured  guide  had  Nature  been — 

And  would  Art  triumph  now  ? 

He  paused — when  thro'  a  window  spied, 

Some  bees  had  cluster'd  near  ; 
He  hade  them  throw  the  casement  back, 

And  greet  the  balmy  air. 

But  not  the  perfumed  breath  of  Art, 

Could  now  its  influence  lend — 
The  bees  alight  on  Nature's  wealth, 

The  flowers  they  loved  to  tend. 

The  maiden  bow'd  before  his  power, 

Whose  wisdom  could  impart 
The  dictates  of  a  mighty  God 

Within  a  perfect  heart. 

MORAL. 

Then  sigh  not  for  the  works  of  Art, 

Cling  to  the  good  and  true ; 
God's  blessing  yields  us  lovlier  flowers 

Than  painter  ever  drew. 


'Mv  dear,  don't  say  tale,  say  narrative,'  said  a  modest  lady  to 
her  little  son,  who  was  relating-  a  very  interesting  '  tale'  he  had 
just  read  in  the  newspaper.  While  the  little  fellow  was  thinking 
of  his  mistake,  the  old  house  dog  walked  in,  shaking  his  tail  and 
looking  quite  familiarly  at  the  hoy,  when  he  exclaimed, '  Ma,  make 
Sancho,  quit  shaking  his  narrative  ■' 


142  THE   BOOK  OF 

A  ministerial  acquaintance  of  ours,  who  had  lost  his  wife,  and 
become  wearied  of  his  second  edition  of  the  single  state,  was  once 
instructing  a  congregation  from  the  passage,  "  Use  this  world  as 
not  abusing  it,"  &c.  In  the  course  of  this  remark,  he  took  occa- 
sion to  mention  some  things  which  a  Christian  could  dispense  with 
in  this  world.  In  this  category  he  placed  his  wife.  He  had,  how- 
ever, scarcely  said,  "  A  man  may  do  without  a  wife,"  when  his 
own  experience  stoutly  protested,  and  he  finished  this  branch  of 
the  subject  by  saying,  in  the  simplicity  of  his  heart,  "but  it's 
mighty  hard." 


CROCKETT  OUTDONE. 

TALK  of  Crockett !  why  Ezekiel  Nash,  a  genuine  downeaster,  could 
send  him  to  eternal  smash  right  off.  Nash  chaws  chain  cables  for  to- 
bacco, takes  gunpowder  for  snuff,  and  blows  his  nose  with  a  tin  pocket 
handkerchief.  He  sleeps  between  iron  sheets,  which  in  winter  are 
made  red  hot.  Instead  of  rats  and  mice,  wolves  and  grizzly  bears 
prowl  about  his  room  at  night;  but  he  sleeps  so  soundly  that  he  is 
obliged  to  be  thrown  out  of  the  window  every  morning  to  wake  liim. 
His  mother  missed  him  when  a  baby,  and  found  him  at  last  in  a 
hornet's  nest  playing  at  bo-peep  with  a  couple  of  rattlesnakes.  As  an 
infant  Ezekiel  was  a  wonder.  He  had  razors  and  bayonets  for  toys, 
walked  in  top  boots  when  he  was  three  days  old,  sucked  hot  coals,  and 
used  to  rub  bis  gums  with  a  nutmeg  grater ;  they  weaned  him  the  day 
he  was  born,  and  fed  him  on  pap  made  of  Hint  stone  and  lignum  vita', 
soaked  in  prussic  acid.  His  appetite,  for  a  boy,  was  awful;  he  once 
ate  three  parts  of  a  horse,  and  then  asked  if  tea  wasn't  ready.  When 
lie  rides  on  a  railroad  he  gets  out  to  walk  a  trifle  of  forty  or  fifty  miles, 
and  waits  an  hour  or  two  for  the  train  to  overtake  him.  The  engine 
comes  up  panting  and  blowing,  and  often  says,  with  a  forced  laugh — 
1  Bust  my  biler,  Zekiel,  but  of  all  mortal  critters  you're  the  biggest!  I 
reckon  your  father  was  a  flash  of  lightning,  and  your  mother  an  airth- 
quake.'  As  a  speculator  Nash  is  real  lucky.  He  held  some  canal 
shares  once  which  went  up  to  such  a  premium  that  he  was  obliged  to 
send  a  broker  up  in  a  balloon  to  sell  out.  —  American  Paper. 


Irish  Roads.  —  An  Englishman  having  asked  a  son  of  Erin, 
if  the  roads  in  Ireland  were  good,  Pat  replied,  "Yes,  they  arc  so 
line  that  I  wonder  you  do  not  import  BOme  of  them  into  England; 
let  me  Bee,  there's  the  road  to  love,  Btrewed  with  roses — to  matri- 
mony, through  nettles— to  honour,  through  the  camp— to  prison, 
through  the  law— and  to  the  undertaker's,  through  physio."  "  Have 
you  any  road  to  preferment  i"  said  the  Englishman.  "  Yes,  faith 
we  have,  but  that  is  the  dirtiest  road  in  the  kingdom  " 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT  143 

4  Breach  r.s  of  faith!'  screamed  Mrs.  Partington,  as  she  heard 
the  terra  applied  to  Mexican  violations  of  the  armistice.  '  Well, 
I  wonder  what  they  will  have  next.  I  have  heard  tell  of  cloaks  of 
hypocrisy  and  rohes  of  purity,  hut  I  never  heard  of  breeches  of  faith 
before.  I  hope  they're  made  of  something  that  won't  change  and 
wear  out,  as  old  Deacon  Cudgin's  faith  did,  for  his  was  always 
changing.  He  went  from  believing  that  nobody  would  be  saved, 
to  believing  that  all  would  be,  and  at  last  turned  out  a  phrenolager, 
and  didn't  believe  in  nothing.  I  wonder  if  it's  as  strong  as  cassi- 
mere!'  and  she  bit  off  her  thread,  and  prepared  a  new  needlefull. 


"\_s  -v_  "  >^./"* 


A  TEMPERANCE  ANECDOTE. 

Old  Parson  B ,  who  presided  over  a  little  flock  in  one  of 

the  back  towns  of  the  State  of  M ,  was,  without  any  exception, 

the  most  eccentric  divine  we  ever  knew.  His  eccentricities  were 
carried  as  far  in  the  pulpit  as  out  of  it.  An  instance  we  will  re- 
late:— Among  his  church  members  was  one  who  invariably  made 
a  practice  of  leaving  the  church  ere  the  parson  was  two-thirds  through 
his  sermon.  This  was  practised  so  long,  that  after  awhile  it  became 
a  matter  of  course,  and  no  one,  save  the  divine,  seemed  to  take  no- 
tice of  it.  And  he  at  length  notified  Brother  P.,  that  such  a  thing 
must,  he  felt  assured,  be  needless ;  but  P.  said  that  at  that  hour 
his  family  needed  his  service  at  home,  and  he  must  do  it.  Never- 
theless, on  leaving  the  church  he  always  took  a  roundabout  course, 
which,  by  some  mysterious  means,  always  brought  him  in  close 
proximity  with  the  village  tavern,  which  he  would  enter,  and 
"thereby  hangs  a  tale."  Parson  B.  ascertained  from  some  source 
that  P.'s  object  in  leaving  church  was  to  obtain  a  '  dram,'  and  he 
determined  to  stop  his  leaving  and  disturbing  the  congregation  in 
future,  if  such  a  thing  were  possible.  The  next  Sabbath,  brother 
P.  left  his  seat  at  the  usual  time,  and  started  for  the  door,  when 
Parson  B.  exclaimed : — '  Brother  P. !'  P.,  on  being  thus  address- 
ed, stopped  short,  and  gazed  towards  the  pulpit  '  Brother  P.,' 
continued  the  parson,  '  there  is  no  need  of  your  leaving  the  church 
at  this  time ;  as  I  passed  the  tavern  this  morning,  I  made  ar- 
rangements with  the  landlord  to  keep  your  toddy  hot  till  church 
was  out.'  The  surprise  and  mortification  of  the  brother  can  hard- 
ly be  imagined. 


A  gentleman  preseuted  a  lace  collar  to  the  object  of  his  adora- 
tion, aud  in  a  jocular  way  said,  "  Do  not  let  any  one  else  rumple 
it."—  "No,  dear,"  said  the  lady,  "  I  will  take  it  off.'' 


144  TI1E   BOOK   OP 

A  prize  was  once  offered  for  a  rhyme  to  the  word  "  month  ;"    the 
following  may  be  adjudged  successful : — 

"A  lisping  girl  sat  on  her  father's  knee, 

A  trying  to  rhyme  the  little  word  month; 
And  she  laugh'd,  as  she  said,  '  I'll  let  you  thee 

I  can  thai/  it  again,  for  I've  thaid  it  wonth.' 
•Well,*  her  father  replied,  'I  am  listening,  dear! 

Go  on.'     And  she  stuttered  in  haste,  '  Wonth  and  month 
And  now,*  she  continued,  'I've  rhymed  it,  tho  clear, 

I'm  thurc  you  will  never  more  call  me  a  dunth  !' ' 


THE  EOAD  TO  GLORY. 

The  road  to  glory  would  cease  to  he  arduous,  if  it  were  trite  ana 
trodden  ;  and  great  minds  must  be  ready  not  only  to  tahe  oppor- 
tunities, hut  to  make  them.  Alexander  dragged  the  Pythian 
priestess  to  the  temple,  on  a  forbidden  day— She  exclaimed,  "My 
son,  ihou  art  invincible,"  which  was  oracle  enough  for  him.  On 
a  second  occasion,  he  cut  the  Gordian  knot  which  others  had  in 
vain  attempted  to  untie.  Those  who  start  for  human  glory  like 
the  mettled  hounds  of  Actseon,  must  pursue  the  game  not  only 
where  there  is  a  path,  hut  where  there  is  none.  They  must  be 
able  to  simulate  and  dissimulate,  to  leap  and  to  creep  ;  to  conquer 
the  earth  like  Caesar,  or  to  fall  down  and  kiss  it  like  Brutus ;  to 
throw  their  sword  like  Brennus  into  the  trembling  scale;  or,  like 
Nelson,  to  snatch  the  laurels  from  the  doubtful  hand  of  victory, 
while  she  is  hesitating  where  to  bestow  them.  That  policy  that 
can  strike  only  while  the  iron  is  hot,  will  be  overcome  by  that  per- 
severance, which,  like  Cromwell's,  can  make  the  iron  hot  bt/  strik- 
ing; and  he  that  can  only  rule  the  storm,  must  yield  to  him  who 
can  lmtli  raise  and  rule  it. 


The  Two  Cats.— The  following  anecdote,  which  has  been  told 
of  many  learned  men,  originated  with  the  painter  Barrett.  His 
onlj  pets  were  a  cat  and  a  kitten,  its  progeny.  A  friend,  seeing 
two  holes  in  the  bottom  of  the  door,  asked  him  for  what  purpose 

he  made  them  there.  Barrett  said  it  was  lor  his  eats  to  go  ill  and 
out— "Why,''  replied  Ins  friend,  "would  not  one  do  for  both?" 
— "  Vmi  silly  man,"  answered  the  painter,  "how  could  the  big  cat 

gel  in  at  the  little  holeP" — "  But,  said  his  friend,  "could  not  the 
little  one  go  through  the  big  hole':''-"  Egad,"  said  Barrett,  "so 
bhc  could,  but  I  never  thought  of  that.'' 


TUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  145 

Beitt£  dt  u  wedding  party  where  there  were  some  wild  young  men 
they  proposed  that  the  Rev.  Mr.  Murray  should  drink  wine  with 
them;  to  this  he  assented,  remarking  at  the  same  time  that"  Ac 
could  drink  like  a  beast."  At  this  they  stared  at  each  other,  and 
winked,  plainly  intimating  that  they  would  make  him  go  the  entire 
animal.  After  drinking  a  <;lass,  he  positively  refused  to  take  any 
more.  They  then  reminded  him  of  his  promise;  to  which  he  re- 
plied, 'I  have  performed  my  promise — I  have  had  enough,  and 
a  beast  always  leaves  off  when  he  has  had  enough!  The  reproof 
was  keenly  felt,  and,  it  is  said,  had  a  very  salutary  effect. 


THE  VICAR  AND  MOSES. 

At  the  sign  of  the  Horse 

Old  Spintext,  of  course, 
Each  night  took  his  pipe  and  his  pot ; 

O'er  a  jorum  of  nappy, 

Quite  pleasant  and  happy, 
Was  placed  this  canonical  sot. 

The  evening  was  dark, 
When  in  came  the  clerk, 

With  reverence  due  and  submission ; 
First  stroked  his  cravat, 
Then  twirl' d  round  his  hat, 

And  bowing  prefer'd  his  petition. 

'  I'm  come,  sir,'  says  he, 

'  To  beg,  look,  d'ye  see, 
Of  your  reverence's  worship  and  glory, 

To  inter  a  poor  baby, 

With  as  much  speed  as  may  be — 
And  I'll  walk  with  the  lantern  before  ye 

'  The  baby  we'll  bury — 

But,  pray,  where's  the  hurry  ." 
1  Why,  lord,  sir,  the  corpse  it  doth  stay.' 

'  You  fool,  hold  your  peace — 

Sinee  miracles  cease, 
A  corpse,  Moses,  can't  run  away.' 

Then  Moses  he  smiled, 

Saying  '  Sir,  a  small  child 
Cannot  long,  sure,  delay  your  intentions.' 

'  wiiy,  that's  true,  by  St.  Paul — 

A  child  that  is  small 
Can  never  enlarge  its  dimensions.' 


146  THE   BOOK   OF 

'  -Bring;  Moses  some  beer, 
And  me  some — d'ye  hear  ? 

I  hate  to  be  called  from  my  liquor ; 
Come,  Moses,  •  The  Queen'— 
What  a  scandalous  scene 

Such  a  subject  should  be  but  a  vicar ! 

Then  Moses  he  spoke, 

'  Sir,  'tis  past  twelve  o'clock — 

Besides,  there's  a  terrible  shower.' 
'  Why,  Moses,  you  elf, 
Since  the  clock  has  struck  twelve, 

I'm  sure  it  can  never  strike  more. 

'  Besides,  my  dear  friend 

To  this  lesson  attend, 
Which  to  say  and  to  swear  I'll  be  bold 

That  the  corpse,  snow  or  rain, 

Can't  endanger,  that's  plain  , 
But  perhaps  you  or  I  may  take  cold.' 

Then  Moses  went  on, 

•  Sir,  the  clock  has  struck  one, 
Pray,  master  look  up  at  the  hand.' 

'  Why  it  ne'er  can  strike  less ; 
'Tis  a  folly  to  press 
A  man  for  to  go  that  can't  stand.' 

At  length,  hat  and  cloak 

Old  Orthodox  took, 
But  first  crammed  his  jaw  with  a  quid ; 

Each  tipt  of  a  gill, 

For  fear  they  should  chill, 
And  then  stagger'd  away  side  by  side. 

When  come  to  the  grave, 

The  clerk  hummed  a  stave, 
While  the  surplice  was  wrapt  round  the  priest 

So  droll  was  the  figure 

Of  MoBefl  and  Vicar, 
That  the  parish  still  laugh  at  the  jest. 

*  Good  people,  let's  pray — 
Put  the  corpse  t'other  way, 

Or,  perchance  I  shall  over  it  .stumble — 
'  lis  best  to  take  care, 

Though  the  sages  declare 
A  mortunm  caput  can't  tumble. 

'  Woman,  that's  of  man  born — 
I'hat's  wrong,  the  leafs  torn — 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  117 

A  man  that  is  born  of  a  woman 

Can't  continue  an  hour, 

Is  cut  down  like  a  flower — 
You  see,  Moses,  Death  spareth  no  man 

'  Here,  Moses,  do  look, 

What  a  confounded  book! 
Sure  the  letters  are  turn'd  upside  down  ; 

Such  a  scaudalous  print  1 

Why,  the  devil  is  in't, 
That  a  blockhead  should  print  for  the  crown  ! 

'  Prithee,  Moses,  you  read, 

For  I  connot  proceed, 
And  bury  the  corpse  in  my  stead.' 
'  Amen,  amen.' 

'  Why,  Moses,  you're  wrong1 — 

You  fool,  hold  your  tongue — 
You've  taken  the  tail  for  the  head. 

■  Oh,  where's  thy  sting-,  Death? 

Put  the  corpse  in  the  earth, 
For  believe  me,  'tis  terrible  weather.' 

So  the  corpse  was  interred, 

Without  praying'  a  word, 
And  away  they  both  staggered  tog-ether. 


The  Archbishop  of  York  and  Mr.  11.,  a  Baptist  minister,  whilst 
one  day  conversing  on  the  lawfulness  of  tithes,  the  archbishop  re- 
marked, "Mr.  R.,  I  do  not  see  that  in  the  same  light  as  you  do.* 
Mr.  R.  (without  replying)  took  a  pencil  and  wrote"  God"  in  small 
characters.  "  Do  you  see  that?"  said  Mr.  R.  "Yes,''  replied  the 
archbishop.  Mr.  R.  then  took  a  sovereign  and  placed  it  over  the 
word  "  God,"  and  then  asked  the  prelate  if  he  could  see  "  God" 
then  ?  The  archbishop  replied  that  he  could  not.  "  Then,"  said 
Mr.  R.,  "now  you  perceive  why  you  consider  tithes  lawful.  Be- 
fore the  gold  intervened,  you  had  God  in  view,  but  when  the  gold 
came  in  view,  you  lust  sight  of  God.  " 


xiOquacity.— Men  are  born  with  two  eyes,  but  with  one  tongue, 
in  order  that  they  should  see  twice  as  much  as  they  say  ;  but,  from 
their  conduct,  one  would  suppose  that  they  were  born  with  two 
tongues,  and  one  eye,  for  those  talk  the  most  who  have  observed  the 
least,  and  obtrude  their  remarks  upon  every  thing,  who  have  seen 
into  nothing. 


148  THE   BOOK  OP 

'Ghosts!  be  hanged !'  said  Tom  Hood.  '  No  such  things  in  na- 
ture. All  laid  long  ago,  before  the  wood  pavement.  What  should 
they  come  for?  The  colliers  may  rise  for  higher  wages,  and 
the  chartists  may  rise  for  reform,  and  Joseph  Sturge  may  rise  for 
his  health,  and  bread  may  rise,  and  the  rising  generation  may  rise  ; 
but  that  the  dead  should  rise  only  to  make  one's  hair  rise  is  more 
than  I  can  believe.  Suppose  yourself  a  ghost.  Well,  if  you  come 
out  of  your  grave  to  a  friend,  how  are  you  to  help  him  ?  And  if 
it's  an  enemy,  what's  the  use  of  appearing  to  him  if  you  can't 
pitch  into  him  ?' 


A  person  of  the  name  of  Button  soliciting  the  favour  of  Arch- 
bishop Usher  to  write  his  epitaph,  the  primate  promised  him  one ; 
and  when  he  next  called  upon  him  he  produced  the  following 
couplet:  — 

0  Heavens !  O  Stars !  O  Earth !  O  Poles ! 

That  graves  should  be  but  bidton-hotes. 


An  ignorant  fellow,  who  was  about  to  get  married,  resolved  to 
make  himself  perfect  in  the  responses  of  the  marriage  service  ;  but 
by  mistake  he  learned  the  office  of  baptism  for  those  of  riper  years ; 
so  when  the  clergyman  asked  him  in  the  church,  "  Wilt  thou  have 
this  woman  to  be  thy  wedded  wife  ?"  the  bride-groom  answered,  in 
a  very  solemn  tone,  "  1  renounce  them  all. '' — The  astonished  min- 
ister said,  "  I  think  you  are  a  fool." — To  which  he  replied,  "All 
this  I  steadfastly  believe.'' 


Wit  versus  Learning. — Two  knowing  village-schoolmasters 
were  once  annoying  the  company  at  an  inn,  by  boasting  of  their 
superior  learning.  A  little  pimple-nose  plasterer,  who  was  per- 
ched behind  the  door,  jumped  up,  evidently  in  a  rage  by  the  tone 
of  his  voice,  and  said,  "  Yor  making  a  gurt  noize  abaght  y'r  lam- 
ing, nab  al  bet  awther  on  ye  wot  ye  like,  at  nawther  on  ye  naws  /til- 
ting a/,  weel  az  I  do."  This  put  the  knights  of  the  quill  to  a  non- 
plus for  sumo  time:  the  rest  of  the  company,  having  caught  the 
little  plasterers  meaning,  were  in  a  regular  twitter. 


In  all  societies  it  is  advisable  t< >  associate  if  pos  ible  with  the 
I  i  .  ii'ii  that  the  highest  arc  always  the  best,  but,  because  if 
disgusted  there,  we  can  ;*i  anytime  descend; — hut  if  we  begin 
with  the  lowest,  i<>  a  <■<  nd  is  impossible.  In  the  graud  theatre  of 
human  life,  a  b<>£  ticket  Lakes  us  through  the  house. 


vr\'   AVI)  AMUSEMENT.  1  10 

Mr.  Abern  jaten. — A    very   talkative  lady  who   I ■■! 

wearied  the  temper  of  Mr.  Abernethy,  which  was  at  all  times  im- 
patient  of  gabble,  was  told  by  him,  the  first  moment  that  he  could 
gel  a  chance  of  speaking,  to  be  good  enough  to  put  out  her  tongue. 

'  Now,  pray,  madam,'  said  he,  playfully,  '  keep  it  out.'  The  hint 
was  taken.  He  rarely  met  with  his  match  ;  but  on  one  occasion 
he  fairly  owned  that  he  had.  lie  was  sent  for  to  an  innkeeper, 
who  bad. had  a  quarrel  with  his  wife,  and  who  had  scored  his  face 
with  her  nails,  so  that  the  poor  man  was  bleeding,  and  much  dis- 
figured. Mr.  Abernethy  considered  this  an  opportunity  not  to  be 
lost  for  admonishing  the  offender,  and  said, '  Madam,  are  you  not 
ashamed  of  yourself  to  treat  your  husband  thus — the  husband,  who 
is  the  head  of  all — your  head,  madam,  in  fact?' — 'Well,  doctor,' 
fiercely  retorted  the  virago,  and  may  I  not  scratch  my  own  head  ?' 
Upon  this,  her  friendly  adviser,  after  giving  directions  fur  the  ben- 
efit of  the  patient,  turned  upon  his  heel,  and  confessed  himself 
beaten  for  once. 


Mr. resides  in  Harley  street.  His  wife,  who  is  an  econom- 
ical body,  had  sent  a  costly  silk  gown  to  a  French  dyer.  The 
dyer  himself  brought  the  dress  home,  and  unluckily,  as  it  happened, 
met  the  husband  of  the  lady  at  the  door  "  Is  madam  within  ?" 
asked  the  Frenchman.  The  husband,  who  is  of  a  jealous  disposi- 
tion, replied—"  And  suppose  she  is,  what  do  you  want  with  her?'' 
"  I'm  dyeing  for  her,  sare.  "  "  You  dying  for  my  wife — get  out  of 
my  house,  you  scoundrel  !"  and  he  had  just  raised  his  foot  to  kick 
the  honest  artizan  into  the  street,  as  the  lady  made  her  appearance 
and  set  the  matter  to  rights. 


A  merchant  examining  a  hogshead  of  hardware,  on  comparing 
it  with  the  invoice  found  it  all  right  except  a  hammer  less  than  the 
invoice.  "  Och,  don't  be  troubled,  my  honey,  "  said  the  Irish  por- 
ter, "  sure  the  nayger  took  it  out  to  open  the  hogshead  with.  " 

Theophilus  Cibber,  who  was  very  extravagant,  one  day  asked  bis 
father  for  a  hundred  pounds.  "  Zounds,  sir,"  said  Colly,  "  can't 
you  live  upon  your  salary?  When  I  was  your  age,  I  never  spent  a 
farthing  of  my  father's  money. "  "  But  you  have  spent  a  great  deal 
of  my  fathers,"  replied  Theophilus.  This  retort  had  the  desired 
effect. 


A  foolish  fellow,  having  a  house  to  sell,  took  a  brick  from  the 
wall  to  exhibit  as  a  sample. 


150  THE    BOOK   OF 

Transcendentalism.— instead  of  saying  to  a  young  lady, 
'  Please  to  take  my  arm,'  you  should  say  in  this  philosophic  age, 
'  Will  you  condescend  so  far  to  sacrifice  your  own  convenience  to 
my  pleasure,  as  to  insert  the  five  digitals  and  part  of  the  extrem- 
ity of  your  contiguous  arm  through  the  angular  aperture  formed 
by  the  crooking  of  my  elbow  against  the  perpendicular  portion  of 
my  animal  frame  ?' 


Oratory. — Those  orators  who  give  us  much  noise  and  many 
words,  but  little  argument  and  less  wit,  and  who  are  most  loud 
when  they  are  the  least  lucid,  should  take  a  lesson  from  the  great 
volume  of  Nature;  she  often  gives  us  the  lightning  even  without 
the  thunder,  but  never  the  thunder  without  the  lightning. 


JUST  IN  TIME. 

A  doctor  called  in  Bedford  Row, 
(It  mutters  not  how  long  ago) 
To  see  a  patient.     When  he  knock'd, 
Now,  only  think  how  he  was  shock'd, 
When  instantly  the  footman  said — 
'  Dear  doctor,  our  poor  lady's  dead  !' 

Dead  ?  surely  not ;  it  may  by  chance 
lie  nothing  but  a  sleeping  trance; 
I'll  just  walk  up  and  see  for  certain.' 
He  did  so,  and  undrew  the  curtain  ; 
Where  laid  the  lady,  pale  and  calm, 
The  usual  guinea  in  her  palm. 
*  I  see,'  bf  cried  (and  took  the  fee) — 
1  The  poor  dear  soul  expected  me  !' 


Vrahian,  having  brought  a  blush  on  a  maiden's  cheek  by 
1       arnestness  of  his  gaze,  said  to  her,  'My  looks  have  planted 
in  your  cheeks  ;  why  forbid  me  to  gather  them  ?  the  law  per- 
mi     him  who  sows  to  reap  the  harvest.' 


A  young  gentleman  recently  found  himself  in  (lie  company  "f 
three  young  ladies,  and  generously  divided  an  orange  amongst 
them.  "  Yon  will  rob  yourself!"  exclaimed  one  of  the  damsels. — 
"  Not  at  all,"  replied  the  innocent ;  "  1  bave  three  or  four  more  in 
my  nncki  i  " 


FUN    A.ND   AMUSEMENT.  151 

At  a  pow  wow  of  Indians,  on  Columbia  River,  tlie  subject  of 
white  women's  "  bustles"  was  discussed  by  chiefs,  squaws,  and  med- 
icine men.  One  squaw  took  a  hag  of  feathers,  tied  it  behind  her, 
and  imitated  the  way  in  which  the  pale-faced  women  walk  with 
them  on.  A  warrior  guessed  it  was  to  catch  insects.  Another 
thought  it  bad  something  to  do  with  the  perspiration.  At  last  the 
old  doctor — the  medicine  man— from  whose  decision  there  is  no 
appeal,  gave  the  signal  for  silence,  and  then  said,  "  That  the  white 
women  had  not  so  good  forms  as  the  Indian  women,  and  that  the 
white  men  were  very  fond  of  good  forms,  and  that  the  women  wore 
these  bags  to  make  the  white  men  think  they  were  well  formed." 
He  then  sat  down  amid  repeated  grunts. 


GUESSING  A  DOG'S  NAME. 

"Drive  him  out!'*  screamed  Mrs.  Partington,  as  Ike  whistled 
in  an  immense  dog  one  wet  day,  who  perambulated  the  kitchen, 
dotting  the  newly-washed  floor  with  flowers  in  mud,  and  auda- 
ciously smelling  Mrs.  Partington's  toes  as  the  old  lady  stood  up 
on  a  chair  to  avoid  him.  "Drive  him  out;  what  is  his  name, 
Isaac :>'_« Guess,  aunt,"  replied  Ike.  "I  can't;  perhaps  it's 
Watch,  or  Ponto,  or  Caesar ;  what  is  it?''— "Why,  Guess."— "  I 
tell  you  I  can't  guess ;  perhaps  it's  Hector,  or  Tiger,  or  Rover. 
What  is  his  name?"—"  Guess,  aunt."—"  Oh,  you  provoking  crea- 
ter,  I'll  be  tempted  to  whip  you  within  an  inch  of  your  skin,  if  you 
teaze  me  so.  Why  don't  you  tell  me  ?"— "  I  did  tell  you  the  first 
time,"  blubbered  Ike;  "his  name  is  Guess."  The  old  lady  was 
melted  by  his  emotion,  and  as  soon  as  the  dog  was  sent  out,  some 
nice  quince  jelly  settled  the  difficulty.  "  He  is  such  a  queer 
child,"  said  she  to  herself— "so  sharp  ;  I  suppose  because  he  was 
weaned  on  pickles." 


A  country  fellow  came  to  the  city  to  see  his  intended  wife,  and 
for  a  long  time  could  think  of  nothing  to  say.  At  last  a  great 
snow  falling,  he  took  occasion  to  tell  her  that  his  father's  sheep 
would  be  undone.  '  Well,'  said  she,  kindly  taking  him  by  the 
band, '  I'll  keep  one  of  them.' 

Hard  Run  for  Husbands.-An  exchange  paper  says—"  The 
girls  in  some  parts  of  Pennsylvania  are  so  hard  run  for  husbands 
that  they  sometimes  take  up  with  lawyers  and  tailors." 


152  TITE    BOOK    O* 

A  PROSE  POEM. 

Once  upon  a  midnight  stormy,  a  lone  bachelor  attorney  pondered 
many  a  curious  volume  to  his  heart's  forgotten  lore;  while  be  nodded, 
nearly  napping',  suddenly  their  came  a  tapping,  as  of  some  one  gently 
rapping — rapping'  at  his  chamber  door.  ' 'Tis  the  spirits!'  and  he 
started,  '  rapping;  at  my  chamber  door.  Oh  !  for  help  !  I'm  frighten- 
ed sore ! ' 

Then  into  this  chamber  flitting1  (not  even  one  permitting  him  m  fly 
into  the  closet  or  to  go  behind  the  door),  came  the  ghosts  of  fond  hearts 
broken  (with  many  a  ring,  and  many  a  token),  and  they  sut  them 
down  beside  him,  on  the  dusty,  book-strewn  floor — sat  amidst  the  vol- 
umes of  most  venerable  lore.     Quoth  the  lawyer,  '  What  a  bore  !' 

'  It  must  be  something  serious  ;  this  is  certainly  mysterious,  quite 
an  advent  of  the  spirits— resurrection  con  amove.  But  I  understand 
them  mostly!' — here  there  came  a  rap  so  ghostly,  that  he  could  not 
more  dissemble  as  he  had  done  heretofore,  and  Ids  face  grew  pale  and 
paler  as  he  started  for  the  door— down  he  fell  upon  the  floor. 

Then  there  came  a  clatter,  clatter,  and  his  teeth  began  to  chatter,  as 
the  spirits  gather'd  round  him,  and  accused  him  very  sore  ;  how  with 
handsome  face  all  smiling,  and  with  winning  words  beguiling,  he  had 
charmed  away  the  senses  of  fair  maidens  by  the  score  !  and  each  lass 
had  fondly  fancied  'twas  her  he  did  adore.  Quoth  the  Lawyer, 
1  Never  more  ! ' 

Startled  ut  the  stillness  broken  by  reply  so  aptly  spoken,  for  the 
answer,  strange  enough,  quite  a  relevancy  bore;  they  began  a  noisy 
rapping — sort  of  spiritual  clapping,  which  the  lawyer  thought  could 
be  but  u  fashionable  encore— and  again,  as  if  his  soul  in  that  word  he 
would  outpour,  did  he  groan  out, '  Never  more  !' 

Presently  his  soul  grew  stronger  ;  hesitating  then  no  longer — •  Oh  !' 
said  he, 'sweet  spirits,  your  forgiveness  I  implore;  on  my  knees,  to 
every  ghostess,  who  to  love  has  played  the  hostess,  I  will  promise  to 
recant  the  many  faithless  things  I  swore!  Will  you  promise  then  to 
leave  me?'  here  he  pointed  to  the  door.  Rapped  the  spirits,  '  Never 
more !' 

'  Be  that  word  our  sign  of  parting,'  said  the  hapless  wight  upi 
ing,  'hie  ye  hence  into  the  darkness,  seek  ye  out  some  distant  shore. 
In  the  noisy  camp  or  forum,  in  the  lonely  sane,  sanctorum — such 
ghastly  grim  ungainly  guests  were  never  seen  before.  Leave  my  lone- 
liness unbroken,' — here  he  opened  wide  the  door.  Rapped  the  spirits, 
'  Never  more !' 

80  uie.-e  vixen  sprites  of  evil — spirits  still,  thougo  most  uncivil—  they 
will  never  leave  the  lawyer,  though  in  tears  he  may  implore.  At  Ids 
false  hear!  they  are  tapping,  they  are  rapping,  rapping,  rapping,  and 
be  wishes,  oh,  how  vainly!  that  his  haunted  life  was  o'er;  ami  he 
Often  Sigh  ■'  Oh  I  could  I  but  recall  the  days  of  yore,  I  would  FLIRT 
— Oh  '    ii'  ver  more  '' 


1  UN   AND  AMUSEMENT.  153 

PETITION  TO  TIME. 

Touch  us  gently,  Time  ! 

Let  us  glide  ad  own  thy  stream 
Gently, — as  we  sometimes  glide 

Through  a  quiet  dream  ! 
Humble  voyagers  are  We, 
Husband,  wife,  and  children  three — 
(One  is  lost — an  angel,  fled 
To  the  azure  overhead  !) 

Touch  us  gently,  Time  ! 

We've  not  pioud  nor  soaring  wings  : 
Om-  ambition,  our  content 

Lies  in  simple  things, 
umble  voyagers  are  We, 
O'er  Life's  dim  unsounded  sea, 
Seeking  only  some  calm  clime  : — 
Touch  us  gently,  gentle  Time  ! 


ANECDOTES  OF  THE  BAR. 

Serjeant  Bond  related  the  following  anecdote.  He  was  the 
unquestionable  original.  'I  once,'  said  hf>,  'bought  a  horse  of  a 
horse-dealer,  warranted  sound  in  all  his  points.  I  thought  I  had 
got  a  treasure,  but  still  wished  to  find  out  if  he  had  any  fault.     I 

refore,  when  I  paid  for  him,  said  to  the  seller  'Now,  my  friend, 
you  have  got  your  money,  and  I  the  horse,  so  that  the  bargain  is 
closed  ;  but  do,  like  an  honest  fellow,  tell  me  fairly  of  any  fault 
which  he  has.'  'Why,  sir,'  says  he,  'you  have  dealt  with  me  like 
a  gentleman,  and  as  you  ask  me  to  be  frank  with  you,  I  must  tell 
you  that  the  horse  has  one  fault.'  I  pricked  up  my  ears  :  '  What 
is  it,  my  friend  ?'  '  Why,  sir/  says  he,  'it  is  that  he  will  not  go 
into  the  yard  of  the  Crown  Inn,  at  Uxbridge.'  'Pooh,  pooh,'  said 
1,  '  if  that  is  all  I'm  not  likely  to  put  him  to  the  trial,  as  I  have 
nothing  to  do  with,  or  to  lead  me  to  Uxbridge.' 

'  It  however  so  happened,  that  1  had  occasion  to  go  to  Uxbridge, 
and  1  determined  to  try  if  my  horse  retained  his  dislike  to  the 
yard  of  the  Crown  Inn.  I  accordingly  rode  up  the  street  until  I 
came  opposite  to  the  inn-yard  of  the  Crown  I  faced  about,'  said 
the  sergeant, 'seated  myself  firmly  in  my  stirrups,'  at  the  same 
time  exhibiting  the  attitude  in  which  the  feat  was  to  be  performed. 
'  Expecting  a  plunge  from  my  horse,  I  stuck  my  spurs  into  his 
sides,  and  pushed  him  forward  into  the  yard  ;  but  what  was  my 
surprise  to  find  him  enter  the  yard  as  quietly  as  a  cow  that  had 


154  THE    JJOOK    Of 

just  gone  in  before  him.  But  I  was  not  long  in  doubt  as  to  wlat 
appeared  to  be  the  cause  of  this  change  in  his  antipathies,  by  the 
landlord's  coming  up  to  him  and  tapping  him  on  the  shoulder : 
'  Ha,  Jack  !'  says  he,  'I'm  glad  to  see  you  again  ;  I  thought  I  had 
lost  you.'  'What  do  you  mean,  Mr.  Landlord.'  'Sir,'  says  he, 
'this  horse  was  stolen  from  me  about  six  months  ago,  and  I  have 
never  seen  him  since.'  I  did  not  much  relish  this  piece  of  infor- 
mation,' rejoined  the  sergeant,  'but  I  could  not  help  laughing  at 
the  conceit  of  the  horse  dealer,  to  prevent  me  from  going  to  a  place 
where  his  theft  of  the  horse  would  be  discovered  :  I  wished  I  had 
attended  to  his  caution,  as  the  sale  to  me  was  not  regular,  and  I 
was  left  to  make  the  best  terms  I  could  with  the  landlord.'  What 
they  were  he  kept  to  himself. 


I  have  repeatedly  heard  Fielding  say,  that  the  lowest  class  of 
the  Irish  had  more  native  humour  than  any  other  body  of  people 
in  the  same  rank  in  life.  He  would  then  relate,  in  proof  of  it,  the 
event  of  a  bet  which  was  made  on  the  subject  at  one  of  the  club- 
houses in  St.  James  s  Street,  which  then  was  crowded  with  English 
aud  Irish  chairmen,  and  which  was  to  be  decided  by  the  reply  of 
one  of  each  country  to  the  same  question.  It  was,  'If  you  were 
put  naked  on  the  top  of  St.  Pauls,  what  would  you  be  like  ?'  The 
English  chairman  was  first  called  in,  and  the  question  being  put 
to  him,  he  ran  sulky,  and  refused  to  give  any  direct  answer,  saying 
they  were  making  fun  of  him.  Pat  was  then  introduced,  and  the 
question  being  propounded  to  him  :  'What  should  I  be  like  ?'  says 
he;  '  why,  like  to  get  could,  to  be  sure,  your  honours.'  'This,' 
says  he, '  they  call  mother  wit ;  and  the  most  illiterate  have  a 
quickness  in  parrying  the  effect  of  a  question  by  an  evasive  answer. 
1  recollect  hearing  Sir  John  Fielding  giving  an  instance  of  this, 
in  the  case  of  an  Irish  fellow  who  was  brought  before  him  when 
sitting  as  a  magistrate  at  Bow  Street.  He  was  desired  to  give 
some  account  of  himself,  and  where  he  came  from.  Wishing  to 
pass  for  an  Englishman  lie  said  he  came  from  Chester.  This  he 
pronounced  with  a  very  rich  brogue,  which  caught  the  ears  of  Sir 
John.  'Why,  were  you  ever  in  Chester?'  says  he.  'To  be  sure 
I  was,'  said  Pat  ;  'wasn't  1  born  there  P'  '  How  dare  you,'  said 
Sir  John  Fielding,  'with  that  brogue,  which  shows  that  you  are  an 
Irishman,  pretend  to  have  been  born  in  Chester.'  'I  didn't  sav 
I  was  born  there,'  says  he,  'I  only  asked  your  honour  whether  I 
was  or  not.' 


'  I  think  our  chinch  will  last    a   pood    many   years   yet,'   said   a 
Waggish  deacon  to  his  minister;  '1  see  the  sleepers  are  very  sound.' 


FL'N   AND  AMUSEMENT.  155 

"  What  is  the  reason,'  said  a  young  lady,  "  that  there  is  no- 
thing said  in  the  Bihle  about  a  'certain  woman,'  as  well  as  a  'cer- 
tain  man?' '  A  gentleman  answered  the  lady's  question  in  the  fol- 
lowing impromptu : — 

4  A  certain  man's'  a  plivase  in  Scripture  common, 

But  nothing's  said  about  a  'certain  woman;' 

The  reason  all  may  see  that  are  not  blind, 

A  woman's  never  certain  of  her  mind. 


Peter  the  Great.— It  being  term  time  while  the  Czav  was  in 
London,  he  was  taken  into  Westminster  Hall;  he  inquired  who 
all  those  busy  people  in  black  gowns  and  flowing  wigs  were,  and 
what  they  were  about?  Being  answered, '  They  are  lawyers,  sire  ;' 
— 'Lawyers!'  said  he,  with  marks  of  astonishment,  'why  I  have 
but  two  in  my  whole  dominions,  and  I  believe  I  shall  hang  one 


of  them  the  moment  I  get  home.' 


Quakeii  Wooing. — '  Martha,  does  thee  love  me  ?'  asked  a  Qua- 
ker youth  of  one  at  whose  shrine  his  heart's  fondest  feelings  had 
been  offered  up.  '  Why,  Seth,'  answered  she, '  we  are  commanded 
to  love  one  another,  are'  we  not  ?'  '  Ay,  Martha ;  but  does  not  thee 
regard  me  with  that  feeling  that  the  world  calls  love  ?'  '  '  hardly 
know  what  to  tell  thee,  Seth  :  1  have  greatly  feared  that  ivy  heart 
was  an  erring  one  ;  I  have  tried  to  bestow  my  love  on  all ;  but  I 
may  have  sometimes  thought,  perhaps,  that  thee  was  getting 
rather  more  than  thv  share.' 


Common  Sense. — In  the  course  of  a  lecture  delivered  by  the 
Bev.  G.  Gleig,  it  was  observed  that  the  late  Duke  of  Wellington 
had  a  great  respect  for  what  he  called  common  sense.  In  illustra- 
tion thereof  he  used  to  tell  the  following  anecdote : — 'When  I  was 
following  a  rajah,  in  India,  we  came  to  a  great  sandy  plain,  to 
cross  which  was  impossible,  with  the  enemy's  cavalry  hovering 
about  us.  The  spies  said  there  was  a  river  in  front  which  I  could 
not  cross  as  it  had  no  bridges,  and  that  I  must  therefore  take  a 
drlour  to  the  right  or  left.  1,  however,  took  the  cavalry,  and  push- 
ed on  to  the  river,  till  I  was  near  enough  to  take  a  view  of  it  with 
my  spy  glass,  when  I  saw  that  there  were  two  villages  opposite  each 
other,  on  different  sides  of  the  river.  I  immediately  said  to  my- 
self, '  People  would  never  be  fools  enough,  to  build  two  towns  im- 
mediately opposite  on  a  great  river  if  they  could  not  get  from  one 
to  the  other.'  So  I  moved  on,  and  sure  enough  there  was  a  bridge 
between  the  towns.     We  crossed  it,  and  licked  the  rajah.' 


15G  TUE    BOOK    OF 

A  Precise  Answer. — A  young  man  pertly  said  to  an  aged 
gentleman, '  Pray,  sir,  is  your  son  going  to  be  married  ?' — '  It  is 
a  possible  case.' — 'And  pray  who  is  it  he  intends  to  marry?* — 
"  Should  he  marry,  she  is  a  descendant  of  a  man  who  never  bad  a 
mother,  and  whose  wife  was  never  born." 


WHEN  WILT  THOTJ  RETURN  ? 

When  wilt  thou  return  ? 

The  silver  clouds  are  closing1 
Like  billows  o'er  the  fairy  path 

Of  sunset  there  reposing  ; 
The  sapphire  fields  of  heaven, 

With  its  golden  splendour  burn, 
And  purple  is  the  mountain  peak, — 

But  when  wilt  thou  return  ? 

When  wilt  thou  return  P 

The  woods  are  bright  with  summer, 
And  the  violet's  bower  is  grae'd 

With  tliti  rose — a  queenly  comer  , 
The  stars,  that  in  the  air 

Like  ethereal  spirits  burn, 
Seem  watching  for  thy  steps, — 

Oh  !   when  wilt  thou  return  ? 

When  wilt  thou  return  ? 

The  sheathless  sword  is  idle, 
And  each  warrior  from  his  steed 

Has  thrown  aside  the  bridle. 
Hark  ! — 'tis  the  trumpet's  call! 

With  hope  our  bosoms  burn  ; 
Its  echo  wakes  the  distant  bills 

Announcing  thy  return  ! 


Learned  'Ladies.' — Mr.  Murphy  used  to  relate  the  following 
story  of  Footed,  the  heroines  of  which  were  the  la. lies  Cheere, 
Fielding,  and  Hill,  the  last  the  widow  of  the  celebrated  Dr.  Hill. 
He  represented  them  as  playing  at  '  I  love  my  love  with  a  loiter ;' 
Lad]  Cheen  began  and  said,  *  I  love  my  love  with  an  N,  because 
be  is  a  Night;'  Lady  Fielding  followed  with  '1  love  my  love  with 
a  6,  because  he  is  a  Gustis;'  and  'I  love  my  love  with  an  1',' 
said  Lady  Hill, ' because  he  is  a  Fizishun.'  Such  was  the  impu- 
ted orthography  of  these  learned  ladies. 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  157 

The  Rev.  Theodore  Parker  in  a  recent  lecture  at  New  York, 
remarked  : — John  Bull  and  Brother  Jonathan  quarrel  a  little  some- 
time^ ;  John  Bull  may  grumble,  and  Brother  Jonathan  shake  his 
list  in  return,  but  the  trouble  is  soon  settled.  John  Bull  is  very 
proud  of  having  so  fine  a  son,  and  we  are  very  proud  of  being  the 
son  of  such  a  lather;  and  soon  this  Anglo-Saxon  race — that  is, 
the  Anglo-Saxon  Britons  and  the  Anglo-Saxon  Americans— will 
control  the  whole  world.  Three  hundred  years  ago  the  Anglo- 
Saxon  Britons  did  not  own  the  whole  of  Great  Britain,  and  see 
what  they  have  now ! 


COOLNESS 

Sometime  ago  the  whole  of  the  gable  end  of  the  Hare  and  Hounds  Inn, 
at  Barnsley,  fell  down,  fortunately  without  injuring'  any  of  the  inmates. 
According  to  a  local  paper,  a  lodger  sleeping  in  the  room  adjoining  the 
wall  was  not  awoke  by  the  noise,  and  on  the  landlord  going  to  him  and 
telling  him  to  get  up,  as  the  house  was  falling,  he  made  answer  by 
saying,  '  It  may  fall  then  ;  I've  paid  for  my  bed,  and  I'll  take  good 
care  that  I  have  my  sleep  out.'  Thus  the  lodger  laid  his  wonted  time, 
exposed  to  the  weather  and  the  gaze  of  a  large  number  of  persons  that 
had  been  drawn  there  by  the  accident.  This  story  reminds  us  of  the 
man  who  heing  shaken  up  and  told  that  the  house  was  on  fire,  turn- 
ed round  again  to  sleep,  and  said,  '  Well,  you  must  speak  to  my  wife ; 
I  don't  meddle  with  household  affairs;'  and  of  the  other  member  of 
the  same  cool  family  who,  when  told  in  bed  that  his  wife  had  expired, 
nestled  under  the  clothes,  and  murmured,  '  Dear  me !  how  sorry  I 
shall  be  in  the  morning.'  There  is  really  something  grand  in  coolness 
of  this  description ! 


The  celebrated  Dr.  Brown,  of  London,  paid  his  addresses  to  a 
lady  for  many  years,  but  unsuccessfully  ;  during  which  time  he  was 
accustomed  to  propose  her  health  in  company  when  called  on  for  a 
toast.  But  being  observed  one  day  to  omit  it,  a  gentleman  present 
reminded  him  that  he  bad  forgotten  to  toast  his  favourite  lady. 
"  Why,  indeed,"  said  the  doctor,"  1  find  it  all  in  vain.  Since  I 
have  toasted  her  for  so  many  years  and  still  cannot  make  her  Brown 
1  am  resolved  to  toast  her  no  longer.'' 


A  country  girl,  coming  in  from  the  fields,  was  told  by  her  cousin 
that  she  looked  as- fresh  as  a  daisy  kissed  with  dew.  'Weil,  it 
wasn't  any  fellow  of  that  name,  but  Bill  Jones,  that  kissed  me; 
and  I  told  him  every  body  would  find  him  out. 


158  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  DREAM  OF  THE  BEAUTIFUL. 

"Another  scene  where  happiness  is  sought ! 

A  festive  chamber  with  its  golden  hues, 

Its  dream-like  sounds  and  languishing  delights." 

R.  MONTGOMERY. 
I  stood  in  the  light  of  the  festive  hall, 
Gorgeously  wrought  was  its  pictured  wall; 
And  the  strings  of  the  lute  replied  in  song, 
To  the  heart-breathed  lays  of  the  vocal  throng. 

Oh  !  rich  were  the  odours  that  floated  there, 
O'er  the  swan-like  neck  and  the  bosom  fair ; 
And  roses  were  mingled  with  sparkling  pearls, 
On  the  marble  brow  and  the  cluster'd  curls. 

I  stood  in  that  hall,  and  my  lips  were  mute, 

And  my  spirit  entranced  with  the  elfin  lute  ; 

And  the  eyes  that  look'd  on  me  seem'd  fraught  with  love, 

As  the  stars  that  make  Night  more  divine  above. 

A  sorrowful  thought  o'er  my  spirit  came, 
Like  thunder-clouds  kindling  with  gloom  and  flame  ; 
For  I  knew  that  those  forms  in  the  dust  would  lie, 
And  no  passionate  lips  to  their  songs  reply. 

But  the  music  recalled  me,  the  hall  glow'd  with  light, 
And  burst  like  a  vision  of  heaven  on  my  sight ; 
'Oh  thus,'  I  exclaimed,  '  will  dark  feelings  depart, 
When  the  sunshine  of  beauty  descends  on  the  heart.' 


The  following  anecdote  illustrative  of  railroad  facility  is  very 
pointed  : — A  traveller  inquired  of  a  negro  the  distance  to  a  certain 
point.  "  Dat 'pends  on  circumstances,"  replied  the  darky.  "If 
you  gwine  afoot,  it'll  take  you  about  a  day;  if  you  gwine  in  de 
stage  or  de  homneybuss,  you  make  it  in  half  a  day  ;  but  if  you  get 
in  one  ob  dese  smoke-waggons,  you  be  almost  Jar  now  !'' 


A  credulous  peasant  went  to  the  clergyman  of  his  parish,  and 
told  him,  with  symptoms  of  great  consternation,  that  he  had  seen 
B  ghost-  "  Where  did  you  sec  iti'''— "  Why,"  said  Diggory,  "  as 
J  war  going,  an'  please  your  reverence,  by  the  church,  right  up 
against  the  wall  I  sees  the  ghost." — "In  what  shape  did  it  ap- 
pear:'''— M For  the  world  like  a  great  donkey.'' — "Go  home  and 
hold  your  tongue,'1  replied  the  clergyman  ;  "you  area  timid  crea- 
ture, and  have  been  frightened  at  your  own  shadow." 


EV8   AND    AMUSEMENT.  Iu9 

Miss  Bremer's  Opinion  of  Married  Men— I  confess,  then, 

that  I  never  find,  and  never  have  found,  a  man  more  loveable, 
more  captivating,  than  when  he  is  a  married  man — that  is  to  say, 
a  good  married  man.  A  man  is  never  so  handsome,  never  so  per- 
fect, in  my  eyes,  as  when  he  is  married — as  when  he  is  a  husband, 
and  the  father  of  a  family — supporting  in  his  manly  arms  wife  and 
children,  and  the  whole  domestic  circle,  which,  in  his  entrance  into 
the  married  state,  close  around  him,  and  constitute  a  part  of  his 
home  and  his  world.  He  is  not  merely  enobled  by  his  position, 
hut  he  is  actually  beautified  by  it.  Then  he  appears  to  me  as  the 
crown  of  creation  ;  and  it  is  only  such  a  man  as  this  who  is  dan- 
gerous to  me,  and  with  whom  I  am  inclined  to  fall  in  love.  But 
then  propriety  forbids  it ;  and  Moses,  and  all  European  legislatures 
declare  it  to  be  sinful. 


SOMETHING  TO  LOVE. 

Something  to  love,  some  tree  or  flow'r 
Something  to  nurse  in  my  lonely  bow'r, 
Some  dog  to  follow  where'er  I  roam, 
Some  bird  to  warble  my  welcome  home , 

Some  tame  Gazelle,  or  some  gentle  dove, 
Something  to  love — oh  !  something  to  love 
Something  to  love— oh  !  let  me  see, 
Something  that's  fill'd  with  a  love  for  me. 

Belov'd  by  none,  it  is  sad  to  live, 
And  'tis  sad  to  die  and  leave  none  to  grieve 
And  fond  and  true,  let  the  lov'd  one  prove, 
Something  to  love — oh  !  something  to  love. 


It  is  proposed,  in  a  Boston  paper,  that  every  man  should  consti 
lute  himself  a  self-examining  committee,  to  inquire  into  his  own 
conduct.     It  is  believed  the  business  each  committee  would  have 
to  transact  would  keep  it  constantly  and  usefully  employed 


e 


'  I  want  to  borrow  a  hundred  pounds,'  said  a  fast  young  man  to 
a  Jew  usurer.  '  What  security  can  you  give  ?  'My  own  perso- 
nal security,  sir.'  •  Very  well — go  in  here,'  says  the  Jew,  lifting 
up  the  lid  of  a  large  iron  chest.  '  Get  in  there !'  exclaimed  the 
other,  in  astonishment ;  '  what  for  ?'  '  Why  that  is  the  place  where 
I  always  keep  my  securities." 


1G0  THE   BOOK  OP 

During  the  last  war,  a  Quaker  was  on  board  an  American  ship 
engaged  in  close  combat  with  an  enemy.  He  preserved  his  peace 
principles  calmly  until  he  saw  a  stout  Briton  climbing  up  the  ves- 
sel by  a  rope  which  hung  overboard.  Seizing  a  hatchet,  the  Qua- 
ker looked  over  the  side  of  the  ship,  and  remarked, '  Friend,  it  thee 
wants  that  piece  of  rope,  thee  may  have  it ;'  when,  suiting  the  deed 
to  the  word,  he  cut  off  the  rope,  and  down  went  the  poor  fellow  to 
his  long  watery  home  ' 


A  gentleman,  troubled  with  an  unfortunate  stuttering  impediment, 
in  the  following  poetic  strain  '  popped  the  question'  to  the  fair  idol 
of  bis  heart  — 

'  Oh  boo-boo-beateous  Mary  say, 

When  shish-shish-shail  we  wedded  be ; 

Nin-narne  the  ha-ha-happy  day 
That  will  us  marr-married  see. 

Nay,  did-did-dearest,  though  thy  chei  '• 
A  crick-crick-crinison  blush  hath  dyed 

I  could  not  wait  a  wee-wee-week 
Without  my  jo-jo-joyful  bride. 

'  Then  Mary,  let  us  fif-fif-fix 

For  To-To-Tuesday  next  the  day 
When  in  the  morn  at  sis-sis-six, 

I'll  fy-fy-fetch  thee  hence  away. 

Then  to  some  bub-bub-blissful  spot 

To  pass  the  muin-mum-month  we'll  go, 

A  coo-coo-coach  I've  gee-gee-got, 
Thou  could'st  not  say  nxa-nin-ny  no!' 


*  y  n   r  *N    ■■  *% 


A  Shout  Sermon,  by  a  Quakeress,  runs  as  follows. — '  Dear 
friends,  there  are  three  things  I  greatly  wonder  at.  The  first  is, 
that  children  should  lie  bo  foolish  as  to  throw  up  stones  and  brick- 
bats nit')  fruit  trees  to  knock  down  fruil :  it  they  would  let  it  alone 
it  would  fall  itself.  The  second  is,  that  men  should  he  so  fool- 
ish, and  eveu  SO  wicked,  as  to  go  to  war  and  kill  each  other:  If  let 
alone  they  would  die  themselves.  And  the  third  and  last  thing 
which  1  wonder  at  is,  that  yoUDg  men  should  he  so  unwise  as  to 
go  after  young  women:  since,  if  they  would  stay  at  home,  the 
young  wonen  would  come  alter  them.' 


FUN    AND   AMUSEMENT.  161 

When  Nineveh  his  departed  and  Palmyra  is  in  ruins — when 
Imperial  Rome  has  fallen  and  the  Pyramids  themselves  are  sink- 
inn;  into  decay — it  is  no  wonder  (sighed  a  French  humorist)  that  my 
old  black  coat  should  be  getting  seedy  at  the  elbows ! 


A  lady  renowned  for  repartee,  and  a  gentleman  noted  for  ten- 
acity to  his  own  opinion,  were  overheard  in  deep  and  earnest  con- 
versation. Says  Mr.  M.  (waxing  rather  warm), '  Mrs.  C,  facts  are 
stubborn  things.'  Says  Mrs.  C.  to  Mr.  M.,  '  Then  what  a  fact  you 
must  be.' 


THE  COBBLER  and  the  CLOWN. 

A  country  clown,  just  come  from  tillage, 
Intent  to  reach  the  nearest  village, 
Was  seen  to  hurry  o'er  the  ground, 
In  hopes  a  dentist  might  be  found; 
For  he  was  troubled  with  a  pain, 
Which  sadly  went  against  the  grain. 
It  made  him  wince  and  twist  about — 
He  wish'd  his  tooth  was  quickly  out ! 

In  gazing  at  a  parish  clock 
A  butcher's  tray  his  tooth  did  knock ; 
He  swore  with  rage,  and  with  a  frown, 
That  he  would  knock  the  rascal  down. 

But  ah  !  alas!  the  pain  was  worse, 
And  oft  he  vented  many  a  curse ; 
He  could  not  fight,  so  look'd  about, 
And  spied,  at  last,  a  cobbler  out. 

The  stall  he  entered  with  delight, 
Thinking  the  man  would  draw  it  right; 
And  ask'd  him,  in  his  awkward  manner, 
To  draw  his  tooth  for  one  small  tanner. 

Says  he,  "  My  lad,  you  need  not  doubt 
But  very  soon  I'll  have  it  out; 
And  ease  you  of  your  pain  right  quickly, 
I  see  that  you  look  rather  sickly." 
So  straightway  got  his  tools  in  order, 
To  cure  his  patient's  bad  disorder ; 
And  bade  him  on  his  stool  be  seated, 
Till  he  his  wax  a  little  heated. 
And  getting  down  his  best  of  twine, 
By  rubbing  quick,  soon  made  it  shine } 
K 


162  THE   BOOK   OF 

Then  fixed  it  to  his  tooth  quite  neatly, 
In  hopes  to  do  the  job  completely. 

"  Stop  !'•  says  the  clown,  "  the  one  you've  tied. 

Is  wrong — its  on  the  other  side : 

The  tooth  I'd  swear  to,  in  a  minute, 

By  looking  at  the  blackness  in  it !" 

"  Then,  lad,  your  teeth  would  any  bother 

For  all  are  black  as  one  another." 

At  last  he  got  it  fix'd  quite  right, 
By  tying  it,  with  all  his  might, 
Down  tt  the  stool  on  which  he  sat, 
And  laughed  to  think  what  he  was  at. 

For  fun  this  cobbler  was  inclin'd, 

And  slyly  took  his  aw]  behind, 

To  prick  him  in  the  hinder  part, 

Which  made  the  clown  upright  to  start ! 

So  quickly  did  his  tooth  extract, 

He  thought  that  his  poor  jaw  was  crack'd ; 

And  like  wise,  in  Lis  sudden  jump, 

His  head  against  the  roof  went  bump. 

"Odd  zounds  !"  he  cried,  and  gave  a  shout — 

"  Is  this  Ihu  way  you  get  it  out  P 

By  goles!  you  laugh  as  if  'twas  fun, 

But  really,  zur,  to  me  it's  none. 

When  I  came  in  just  now,  d'ye  see, 

I  had  one  sore,  but  now  I've  three !" 

Much  did  lie  grieve  for  what  he'd  borne, 
So  paid  his  fee — and  then  was  gone, 
But  not  much  farther  than  the  door, 
The  clown  a  tickler  had  in  store. 
Conceal'd  beneath  his  smock,  he  had 
The  cobbler's  last — (it  was  too  bad  •) 
And  muttering  to  himself,  he  said — 
He'd  like  to  send  it  at  his  head  ! 
Which  straight  he  did  with  all  his  might, 
And  ran  till  lie  was  out  of  sight. 


A  blacksmith  brought  up  his  son,  to  whom  lie  was  very  severe, 
t(  liis  trade.  One  clay  the  old  man  was  trying  to  harden  a  cold 
chisel,  which  he  had  made  of  foreign  steel,  but  lie  could  not  suc- 
ceed. '  Horsewhip  it,  father,'  exclaimed  the  young  one;  'if  that 
will  nol  harden  it,  I  don't  know  what  will.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  103 

A  barber  once  beaded  bis  advertisement  with  the  following- par- 
ody on  Goldsmith : 

Man  wants  but  little  beard  below, 
Nor  wants  that  little  long. 


Mrs.  Dobbs,  upon  being  summoned  to  court  as  a  witness,  asked 

ltd  hei 
you  have  not 


her  husband  what  she  should  say  if  the  lawyers  inquiud  her  aire. 
'Say,  madam/  replied  her  husband  ;  '  why,  tell  themyc 


yet  reached  the  years  of  discretion 


A  FLIRTATION  WITH  A  FAIR  AMERICA*. 

"  What  flirts  all  you  men  are,'  saio'  she.  But  oh,  my  sakes! 
ain't  that  tree  lovely !  just  one  mass  of  flowers.  Hold  me  up, 
please  Mr.  Slick,  till  1  get  a  branch  of  that  apple-tree.  Oh  dear! 
how  sweet  it  smells." — Well,  I  took  her  in  my  arms  and  lifted  her 
up,  but  she  was  a  long  time  a  choosin'  of  a  wreath,  and  that  one 
she  put  round  my  hat,  and  then  she  gathered  some  sprigs  foi  a 
no:-egay. — "  Don't  hold  me  so  high,  please.  There,  smell  that, 
ain  t  it  beautiful  ?  I  hope  i  ain't  a  showin'  of  my  ankles." — "Lucy, 
how  my  heart  beats,"  sais  I  and  it  did  too,  it  thundered  like  a 
sledge  hammer;  I  actilly  thought  it  would  have  torn  my  waistcoat 
buttons  off — "  Dcn't  you  hear  it  go  bump,  bump,  bump,  Lucy  ? 
I  wonder  if  it  even  bursts  like  a  biler ;  for  holdiu  such  a  gal  as  you 

be,  Lucy,  in  one's  arms  ain't  safe,  it  is  as  much  as  one's " — 

"  Don  t  be  silly,"  said  she,  larfin', "  or  I'll  get  right  down  this  min- 
it.  No,"  she  said,  "  I  don't  hear  it  beat ;  I  don't  believe  you've 
got  any  heart  at  all." — "There,"  said  I,  bringiu'  her  a  little  far- 
ther forward,  "  don't  you  hear  it  now  ?  Listen." — "  No,"  said  she, 
"  its  nothin  but  your  watch  tickin',"  and  she  larfed  like  anythin' ; 
"  I  thought  so." — "You  hav'nt  got  no  heart  at  all,  have  you?" 
sais  I. — "  It  never  has  been  tried  yet,"  said  she  ;  "  I  hardly  know 
whether  I  have  one  or  not." — "  Oh  !  then  you  don't  know  whether 
it  is  in  the  right  place  or  not?" — "  Yes  it  is,"  said  she,  a  pullin'  of 
my  whiskers  ;  "  yes,  it's  just  in  the  right  place,  just  where  it  ought 
to  be,"  and  she  put  my  hand  on  it,  "  where  else  would  you  have  it, 
dear,  but  where  it  is?  But,  hush!"  said  she ;  "  I  saw  Eunice 
Snare  just  now  ;  she  is  a  com  in'  round  the  turn  there.  Set  me 
down  quick,  please.  Ain't  it  provokin?  that  gal  fairly  harnts  me. 
I  hope  she  didn't  see  me  in  your  arms." — "  I'll  lift  her  up  to  the 

tree  too,"  sais  I,  "if  you  like;   and  then " — "Oh  no!"  said 

she,  "  it  ain't  worth  while.  I  don't  care  what  she  says  or  thinks 
one  snap  of  my  finger." — Sam  Slick. 


164t  THE   BOOK   OF 

"  I  think,"  said  a  farmer,  "  I  should  make  a  good  Parliament 
man,  for  I  use  their  language.  I  received  two  bills  the  other  day, 
with  request  for  immediate  payment;  the  one  I  ordered  to  be  laid 
on  the  table — the  other  to  be  read  that  day  six  months." 

Matthew  Lansberg  used  to  say,  'If  you  wish  to  have  a  shoe 
made  of  durable  materials,  you  should  make  the  upper  leather  of 
the  mouth  of  a  hard  drinker,  for  that  never  lets  in  water. 


THE  INCORRIGIBLE. 

A  good  story  is  told  in  an  eastern  paper  of  the  treatment  of  a 
drunken  husband  by  his  amiable  spouse.  After  trying  various  ex- 
pedients, all  to  cure  drunkeness,  she  at  last  bethought  herself  of 
another  plan  of  making  a  reformed  drunkard  of  her  lord.  She  en- 
gaged a  watchman  for  a  stipulated  reward  to  carry  Philander  t» 
to  the  watch-house,  while  yet  in  a  state  of  insensibility,  and  to 
frighten  him  a  little  when  he  recovered.  In  consequence  of  this 
arrangement  Philander  awoke  about  eleven  o'clock  at  night,  and 
found  himself  lying  on  a  pine  bench,  in  a  strange  and  dim  apart- 
ment. Raising  himself  upon  his  elbow,  he  looked  around  until  his 
pye  rested  on  a  man  seated  by  a  stove,  smoking  a  cigar.  '  Where 
am  I  ?'  said  Philander. — '  In  a  medical  college,'  said  the  cigar 
smoker. — '  What  a-doing  there?' — '  Going  to  be  cut  up.' — '  How 
came  that?' — '  Why,  you  died  yesterday,  while  you  were  drunk, 
and  we  bought  your  body  to  make  a  natomy.' — '  It's  a  lie  ;  Pm  not 
dead.' — 'No  matter.  We  bought  your  carcass  from  your  wife, 
who  had  a  right  to  sell  it,  for  it's  all  the  good  she  could  ever  make 
of  you.  If  you're  not  dead  that's  no  lault  of  the  doctors,  and 
they'll  cut  you  up,  dead  or  alive.' — 'You  will  do  it,  eh?'  asked 
the  old  sot. — 'Ay,  to  be  sure  we  will :  now,  directly,'  was  the  res- 
olute answer. — '  Well,  can't  you  let  me  have  something  to  drink 
before  you  begin?'  This  last  speech  satisfied  the  watchman  that 
Philander  was  a  hopeless  case,  and,  as  his  reward  was  contingent 
on  his  successful  treatment  of  the  patient,  he  was  not  a  little  cha- 
grined at  the  result;  so,  with  no  gentle  handling,  he  tumbled  the 
irreformable  inebriate  out  ni  the  watch-house. — American  Paper. 


Universal  Agreement. — There  is  one  passage  in  the  Scrip- 
tures to  which  all  the  potentates  of  Europe  Beem  to  have  given 
unanimous  assent  and  approbation,  and  ti>  have  studied  so  tho- 
roughly as  to  have  it  quite  at  their  fingers'  ends.  '  There  went  out 
a  dune  from  Claudius  Ccesar,  that  all  the  world  should  be  taxed. 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  165 

A  gentleman  having  called  a  ticket-porter  to  carry  a  mes- 
sage, asked  his  name  ;  the  reply  was  Russell.  '  And,  pray,' 
said  the  gentleman,  jocularly,  '  is  your  coat  of  arms  the  same 
as  the  Duke  of  Bedford's  ?'— '  As  to  our  arms,  your  honour,' 
said  the  porter,  '  I  believe  they  are  much  alike ;  but  there  is 
a  great  difference  between  our  coats. 


A  man  was  in  the  habit  of  making  great  profession  when  he 
was  sick,  but  always  returned  to  his  old  ways  when  he  got 
well.  In  one  of  his  illnesses,  when  he  was,  as  usual,  making 
loud  protestations  of  his  change  of  heart,  a  homely  neighbour 
said  to  him—'  Wait  a  bit,  John,  thou'st  got  the  handcuffs  on 


now. 


Merely  a  Trifling  Difference.— in  a  country  parish  in  the 

north  of  Cumberland  the  inhabitants  lately  took  it  into  their  heads 
to  have  an  harmonium  for  their  parish  church,  which  was  accordingly 
ordered,  and  was  duly  announced  as  being  ready  at  the  nearest  rail- 
way station,  awaiting  its  transportation  to  its  destination,  which  was 
to  be  by  means  of  the  cart  of  a  farmer  who  had  kindly  offered  to  take 
it  up  to  the  village,  at  the  same  time  that  he  carried  home  a  "  Patent 
Time-Saving  Washing  Machine,"  which  the  farmer's  wife  had  per- 
suaded the  good  man  to  invest  in,  to  get  up  their  household  linen. 
Now  it  happened  that  he  being  the  leading  man  of  the  village,  and 
the  churchwarden,  the  instrument  was  addressed  to  him.  Safely  de- 
posited in  his  cart,  the  two  "  new-fangled  things"  got  home  ;  but  lo  ! 
"Which  is  t'  thing  et  weshes  t'  cleas?"  and  which  "f  new  organ 
fiddle  ?"  Neither  had  ever  been  seen  at  work  by  the  puzzled  church- 
warden, and  "  for  f  varra  leyfe  on  em"  he  could  not  tell  "  whilk  was 
whilk."  At  last,  however,  the  larger  of  the  two— both  being  fitted 
up  in  neat  oak  cases — was  pitched  upon  as  being  more  like  the  har- 
monium, and  was  set  in  its  appointed  place  in  the  church,  the  other 
being  deposited  in  the  washhouse,  ready  for  use  at  the  next  wash.  We 
may  leave  it  to  our  readers  to  imagine  the  astonishment  of  the 
schoolmaster  on  being  taken  down  in  the  evening  to  "  give  a  tune  or 
two"  to  the  village  choir,  and  a  select  circle,  on  what  turned  out  to 
be  a  washing  machine  !  The  farmer  defends  himself  from  the  jokes 
of  his  friends  by  saying  "  they  were  so  much  alike,  particularly  the 
washing-machine,  that  it  was  impossible  to  tell  the  difference. 


An  Englishman,  boasting  of  the  superiority  of  the  horses  in  his 
country,  mentioned  that  the  celebrated  Eclipse  had  run  a  mile  in  a 
minute.     "  My  good  fellow,"  exclaimed  an  American  present,  "that 


166  THE   BOOK   OF 

is  rather  less  than  the  average  rate  of  onr  common  roadsters.  I  live 
at  my  country  seat,  near  Philadelphia,  and  when  I  ride  in  a  hurry  to 
town,  of  a  morning,  my  own  shadow  can't  keep  up  with  me,  but  gen- 
erally comes  into  the  store  to  find  me,  from  a  minute  to  a  minute 
and  a  half  after  my  arrival.  One  morning  the  beast  was  restless,  and 
I  rode  him  as  fast  as  I  possibly  could  several  times  round  a  large 
factory — just  to  take  the  old  Harry  out  of  him.  Well,  sir,  he  went 
so  fast,  that  the  whole  time  I  saw  my  back  directly  before  me,  and 
was  twice  in  danger  of  riding  over  myself." 


The  Infant  Yankee. — A  late  lecturer  remarked  that  it  wouldn't 
be  a  very  violent  stretch  of  the  imagination  to  believe,  "  that  a  Mas- 
sachusetts baby,  six  months  old,  sits  in  his  mother's  lap,  eyeing  his 
own  cradle,  to  see  if  he  could  not  invent  a  better  ;  or  at  least  suggest 
some  improvement." 

FUNERAL  EULOGY. 

A  very  infamous  woman,  in  the  reign  of  Charles  II,  who 
had  pursued  the  attrocious  occupation  of  procuress  for  thirty- 
six  years,  desired  in  her  will  to  have  a  funeral  sermon  preach- 
ed, for  which  the  preacher  was  to  have  ten  pounds ;  on  the 
express  condition,  that  he  should  say  nothing  butttWZofher. 
The  minister  concluded  a  sermon  on  the  general  subject  of 

mortality,  by  saying 'By  the  will  of  the  deceased  it  is 

expected  that  I  should  mention  her,  and  say  nothing  but 
w  11  of  her.  All  that  I  shall  say  of  her  therefore  is  this: 
she  was  born  well,  she  lived  ivell,  and  she  died  well ;  for  she 
was  born  with  the  name  of  Gresswell,  she  lived  in  Clerken- 
well,  and  she  died  in  Bridc«c7." 

NAPOLEON  I. 

Soox  after  the  elevation  of  Buonaparte  to  the  ronsulship, 
he  sent  for  Madame  de  Montesson,  the  reputed  widow  of  the 
33uh  c  of  Orleans,  and  desired  to  know  if  there  was  any  thing 
in  which  he  could  be  of  service  to  her.  '  General,'  said  she, 
'  I  have  no  claim  upon  your  generosity.'  'Do  you  not  know,' 
said  Buonaparte,  'that  I  received  from  you  my  firsl  crown P 
You  came  to  Brienne,  with  the  duke  of  Orleans,  to  distribute 
tin'  prizes,  ami  placing  upon  my  head  tin-  laurel  wreath  which 
was  tlir  precursor  of  others,  you  said,  '  ~S\  ay  it  be  lucky  to  you!' 
It  is  said  that  I  am  a  fatalist:  thus  il  is  very  natural  that  I 
should  remember  this  circumstance,  which  you  have  Forgotten. 
It  will  afford  me  great  pleasure  to  be  of  service  to  you.' 


PUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  1G7 

Powers  of  Memory. — Boys  are  sometimes  endowed  with  re- 
markable memories.  The  Keen  family,  of  the  state  of  Texas,  con- 
sisted of  three  girls  and  a  boy — the  later  only  four  years  old.  They 
were  all  sitting'  round  the  fire  one  evening,  engaged  in  telling  how 
far  back  they  could  recollect.  One  of  the  girls  recollected  when 
she  had  "  a  doll  that  winked  with  both  eyes.'  Another  recollected 
when  she  was  "  a  little  baby  at  the  breast,  and  Nancy  tickled  her 
feet.'  Johnny  Keen,  who  was  the  last  and  least  of  them  all,  said 
he  recollected  "  itmss  than  that.'  '  How  wuss?'  said  all  the  girls 
in  a  breath.  '  Oh,  I  recollect  three  weeks  afore  I'ze  born,  and  how 
I  cried  all  the  time  for  fear  I'd  be  a  gal  !' 


CURRAN'S  SCHOOLMASTER. 

An  account  of  his  interview  with  Boyse,  the  friend  and  educator 
of  his  youth,  is  thus  related  by  himself.  'About  five  and  thirty 
years  after  leaving  the  school  at  Middleton,  when  I  had  risen  to 
some  eminence  at  the  bar,  and  when  I  had  a  seat  in  parliament, 
on  my  return,  one  day,  from  court,  I  found  an  old  gentleman  seat- 
ed alone  in  my  drawing-room  ;  his  feet  familiarly  placed  on  each 
side  of  the  chimney-piece,  and  his  whole  air  bespeaking  the  con- 
sciousness of  one  quite  at  home.  He  turned  round — it  was  my 
friend  of  the  Ball-alley.  I  rushed  instinctively  into  his  arms,  and 
burst  into  tears.  Words  cannot  describe  the  scene  that  followed  : 
'  You  are  right,  sir :  you  are  right,'  said  I ;  '  the  chimney-piece  is 
yours — the  pictures  are  yours — the  house  is  yours.  You  gave  me  all 
I  have — my  friend — my  father — my  benefactor!'  He  dined  with 
me ;  and  in  the  evening  I  caught  the  tear  glistening  in  his  eye, 
when  he  saw  poor  little  Jack,  the  creature  of  his  bounty,  rising  in 
the  House  of  Commons  to  reply  to  a  right  honourable.  Poor  Boyse ! 
he  is  now  gone  :  and  no  suitor  had  a  larger  deposit  of  practical  be- 
nevolence in  the  court  above.  This  is  his  wiue  ;  let  us  drink  to  his 
memory.' 


A  stranger  having  entered  the  apartment  where  the  Emperor 
Napoleon  was  shaviug  himself,  when  in  a  little  town  in  Italy,  he 
said,  "  I  want  to  see  your  great  emperor — what  are  you  to  him  ?  " 
The  emperor  replied,  "  I  shave  him. " 


•  Don't  you  think  the  Rev.  Mr.  K.  a  preacher  of  great  power  ?' 
asked  a  gentleman,  in  reference  to  a  pompous,  long-winded  divine, 
who  spoke  in  a  high -keyed,  drawling  voice.  '  Yes,  high-draio-Mc 
power,'  was  the  reply  of  the  person  addressed. 


168  THE   BOOK   OF 

Smart  'Uns. — '  First  class  in  astronomy,  stand  up.  Where  does 
the  sun  rise  ?'  '  Please,  sir,  down  in  our  meadow  ;  I  seed  it  yester- 
day.' •  Hold  your  tongue,  you  dunce ;  where  does  the  sun"  riser0 
'I  know— in  the  east.'—'  Right,  and  why  does  it  rise  in  the  east?" 
1  Because  the  'east  makes  every  thing  rise.'    'Out,  you  boohy.' 


BUTTERY  DICK 

My  neighbour  Dick  was  sent  one  day, 
With  a  message  for  Old  Farmer  Ray, 
Whose  farm  was  just  beside  the  moor, 
Consisting-  of  land  both  rich  and  poor. 

Well-pleased  was  Dick  to  have  an  out, 
He  cross'd  the  moor  with  many  a  shout, 
And  came  at  length  to  the  old  farm-gate, 
To  give  his  message  in  joyful  state. 

He  knock'd  at  the  door,  and  made  his  how, 
Just  in  the  way  his  mother  did  show, 
And  told  his  tale  so  very  polite. 
That  Farmer  Ray  was  full  of  delight. 

Now  Farmer  Ray  was  a  wealthy  chap, 
And  liberal  too  with  his  bread  and  tap; 
But  in  haste  to  send  an  answer  back, 
He  forgot  to  give  poor  Dick  a  snack. 

For  messenger  Dick  had  hungry  grown, 
Since  he  had  quitted  the  distant  town  ; 
His  empty  stomach  gave  loudest  calls, 
His  hunger  was  rife  to  break  through  walls. 

At  the  farm  it  had  been  churning  day, 
The  butter  was  not  yet  put  away, 
'Twus  on  tbe  table  in  numerous  rolls, 
And  tempting  it  was  to  hungry  souls. 

Thought  hungry  Dick,  that  butter  looks  nice, 
I  wish  in  my  heart  1  had  a  slice 
Well  spread  upon  a  twopenny  cake, 
I  think  it  would  cure  the  Btomacb  :iche. 

So  when  the  old  Farmer  did  withdraw, 
Says  Dick  u>  himself,  Til  have  a  go  ; 
ilr  ruse,  from  the  seat  on  which  he  sat 
And  dropped  u  pound  into  bis  hat. 


FTTN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  1G9 

As  I  return,  I  will  buy  some  bread, 
And  on  it  the  butter  I  will  spread ; 
Though  thieving  makes  me  feel  on  a  flutter. 
I'm  rather  uneasy  with  this  butter. 

Old  Ray  is  rich— has  plenty  to  spare, 
He'll  never  miss  it — so  do  not  care ; 
He'd  do  the  same  if  as  hungry  he  felt, — 
I  must  be  gone,  ere  the  butter  shall  melt. 

What  a  time  he  is !— I  cannot  stop, 
The  butter  gives  notice  that  it  will  drop ; 
0  if  he  does  not  release  me  quick, 
With  flutter  and  grease  I  shall  be  sick. 

Ah  !  buttery  Dick,  thou  didst  not  see, 

That  old  Farmer  Ray  was  watching  thee ; 

He  saw  thee  take  it ;  and  he  did  mutter, 

'  I'll  make  him  smart,  and  baste  him  with  butter.' 

'  I'll  teach  him  to  steal  when  he  comes  here, 
And  I'll  make  that  pound  of  butter  dear  : 
So  then  here's  to  work  to  cure  him  right, 
I'll  have  him  soon  in  a  greasy  plight.' 

In  merry  mood  now  old  Ray  came  in, 
While  hungry  Dick  did  tremble  and  grin  :  — 
'  My  lad,  you  appear  impatient  quite, 
But  wait  till  I  a  letter  shall  write : 

Come,  sit  in  this  chair,  beside  the  fire, 

And  warm  your  feet — they  are  cold  with  mire  ; 

The  fire  is  low — Molly,  mend  it  up, 

And  bring  more  coals,  and  some  ale  to  sup  : 

And  put  some  ginger  and  nutmeg  in, 
Afterwards  bring  him  a  glass  of  gin  ; 
Be  at  home,  my  lad,  you're  cold  and  flutter, — 
Moll,  let  him  have  some  bread  and  butter.' 

So  Dick  regaled  on  butter  and  bread, 
With  hot  foaming  ale,  well  peppered; 
While  Farmer  Ray  his  letter  did  write, 
Eyeing  buttery  Dick  with  rare  delight. 

The  sweating  process  did  now  commence, 
To  give  the  culprit  a  proper  sense  ; 
The  pound  of  butter  had  softer  grown, 
And  about  his  ears  came  leaking  down. 

The  letter  done— the  Farmer  did  say, 
'  Be  at  home,  my  lad,  now  eat  away  5 


170  THE   BOOK   OF 

Then  drink  this  gin — I'll  have  no  excuse, 
For  this  cold  day,  it  will  be  of  use.' 

Poor  Dick  was  press'd  on  every  side, 
What  with  food  and  fire,  he  could  not  bide  ; 
The  steam  was  rais'd  to  such  a  degree, 
The  butter  came  down  in  streams  right  free. 

It  trickled  down  upon  all  his  hair, 
Shirt,  collar,  and  clothes  received  a  share ; 
No  part  of  his  face  from  butter  was  free, 
It  filled  his  eyes — he  could  scarcely  see. 

Poor  Dick  exceeded  priest  Aaron  now, 
When  the  ointment  on  his  beard  did  flow, 
And  on  his  garments  its  odour  spread  ; 
So  Dick  was  greas'd — but  no  fragrance  shed. 

Farmer  Ray  was  overcome  with  mirth, 
'Twas  the  rummest  thing  he'd  seen  on  earth ; 
Dick  seasoned  and  roasting  like  a  goose, 
When  the  fat  from  the  skin  is  seen  to  ooze. 

4 1  wonder,'  said  Ray,  •  that  you  have  sat, 
Before  the  fire,  having  on  your  hat ; 
If  you  take  it  off,  you'll  feel  more  easy, 
You  will  not  sweat  and  be  so  greasy.' 

'  Ah !  master  Ray,  please  excuse  me  now, 
My  ringworm  I  do  not  like  to  show, 
My  mother  charg'd  me  before  I  sped, 
'Be  sure  to  keep  thy  hat  on  thy  head.' 

1  Well,  I  will  not  urge  it,  use  your  choice, 

To  6ee  you  happy  makes  me  rejoice  , 

I  hope  this  cheer  your  taste  has  met, 

And  done  you  good,  though  it  makes  you  sweat.' 

'The  fire  gets  low, — Moll,  bring  some  fuel, 
Some  of  us  soon  may  want  some  gruel ; 
Put  on  more  coals,  and  fire  away, 
I  am  pleas'd  this  lad  will  with  me  stay.' 

'  I  thank  you,  master,  for  being  kind,' 
But  my  way  home  I  must  try  to  find  ; 
'  You  must  not  go  yet,'  old  Ray  replied 
'  Till  a  glass  of  brandy  you  have  tried.' 

As  Molly  passed  poor  Dickey's  chair, 
She  saw  him  sweat,  and  did  declare, 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  171 

'  I  never  saw  such  a  sight  before, 
The  sweat  pours  from  him  to  the  floor.' 

*  It  is  not  sweat,  it  looks  like  butter, 
Ay,  down  his  face  I  see  it  scutter ; 
Tt  may  be  butter  or  bacon  fat ; 
Why  does  it  come  from  under  his  hat  ? 

'  I've  got  a  sore  head,  poor  Dick  replied , 
And  every  remedy  I  have  tried ; 
But  still  the  wound  progressed  the  faster 
Until  I  tried  a  buttery  plaster." 

"And  now  you  see  that  it  melts  with  heat, 
And  falls  on  my  Sunday  clothes  so  neat.' 
"I  hope  the  plaster  will  do  it  good," 
Said  Farmer  Ray  in  a  laughing  mood. 

"It  is  cold,''  said  Ray,  "mend  up  the  fire, 
Yes,  raise  it  fully  one  foot  higher  ; 
Come,  come,  my  lad,  that  brandy  sup, 
You  shall  have  another,  so  drink  it  up." 

But  now  poor  Dick  began  to  faint, 
And  was  forced  to  utter  this  complaint ; — 
"  0  Farmer  Ray,  I  begin  to  tire, 
Let  me  withdraw  from  this  hot  lire." 

"  I  cannot  stop  any  longer  here, 

I  assure  you  that  I  do  feel  queer ; 

Permit  me  to  go,  I'm  all  a-sweat, 

Shirt,  stockings,  coat,  breeches, — all  are  wet." 

"Very  well,  lad,  the  process  is  past, 
The  butter's  gone — may  the  lesson  last ; 
I'd  have  you  to  learn  when  you  come  here, 
That  stealing  and  lying  will  cost  you  dear." 

"You  took  the  butter,  I  saw  you  do  it, 
And  sadly  you  lied  to  get  through  it ; 
I  lift  up  your  hat,  and  what  do  I  see? 
Not  the  disease  you  mentioned  to  me." 

"I  care  not  for  the  butter  you  took, 
If  you  will  now  at  the  warning  look; 
Stealing  and  lying  together  will  go, 
Filling  with  sorrow,  leading  to  woe." 

So  now,  my  lad,  I  will  give  you  ease, 
After  your  purgatory  in  grease  ; 
Hie  home  as  fast  as  you  can  scutter, 
And  don't  forget  the  pound  of  butter." 


172  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  Dutiful  Child.—'  How  old  are  ye  ?'  said  Mr.  Major  Kiplins 
to  a  dwarfish  young  man. — '  Twenty.' — '  I  wonder  you  aren't  right 
down  ashamed  of  being  no  bigger  ;  you  look  like  a  boy  of  ten.' — 
'All  comes  of  being  a  dutiful  child.' — '  How  so  ? — 'When  I  was 
ten,  father  put  his  baud  on  my  head,  and  said  '  Stop  there,'  and 
he  then  ran  away  ;  I've  never  seen  him  since,  and  didn't  think  it 
right  in  me  to  go  on  growing  without  his  leave." 


THE  LADIES. 

A  TOAST. 

'  No  skylights  or  heeltaps,'  exclaimed  Costigan,  standing  up  with 
oratorical  pomp,  and  looking  round  to  see  that  every  glass  was  full. 
'  Sir — there  are  moments  when  the  human  heart  is  agitated  by  emo- 
tions— don't  laugh,  young  man,  you'll  know  better  when  you  grow 
older.  We've  enjoyed,  sir,  at  your  hospitable  board  this  day,  aa  in- 
tellectual feast  that'll  be  remembered  by  our  great-grandchildren,  to 
whom  we  will  feel  it  our  duty  to  communicate  the  rich  trate.  A  grate- 
ful posterity,  sir,  will  hold  the  day  in  reverence,  and  every  mother's 
son  of  them  will  emulate  your  example,  and  consider  himself  bound  to 
give  a  dinner  on  the  occasion.  But  I  appale  to  every  one  o'  you,  in 
your  concave  and  convex  connections  with  the  world  at  large,  as  hus- 
bands, fathers,  sons,  brothers,  lovers,  and  cousin-germans,  what  would 
this  intellectual  trate  have  been  without  the  presence  of  lovely  woman  .' 
The  eye  of  woman,  sir,  is  the  growing  refulgence  that  lights  up  the 
transparency  of  human  life.  Is  there  a  heart  amongst  you  that  doesn't 
respond  to  my  appale?  Sir,  the  extent  of  our  obligations  to  that  sex 
is  unknown.  From  the  cradle  to  the  grave — I  spake  advisedly— wo- 
man is  with  us  everywhere.  We  are  born  of  woman,  and  when  we 
die  we  go  back  to  her  arms,  for  aren't  we  then  put  to  sleep  in  our  mo- 
ther earth?  Everything  that's  beautiful,  and  grand,  and  glorious  is  of 
the  female  gender.  Isn't  Liberty  a  woman  ?  Isn't  Britannia  a  wo- 
man? and  when  does  she  look  so  like  a  real  divinity  as  when  she's  lean- 
ing on  her  anchor,  and  shaking  hands  across  the  green  waters  with  her 
sister  Ilibeniia  .'  Aren't  the  Muses  and  the  Graces  women  to  a  man? 
And  the  only  bull  in  the  fine  ancient  heathen  mythology  was  making 
Love  n  little  boy.  If  we  had  had  the  making  of  the  gods  and  goddesses 
in  Ireland,  may  be  we  wouldn't  put  petticoats  upon  Cupid,  and  con- 
vert him  into  a  girl !  If  Love  isn't  a  woman,  the  deuce  is  in  the  diee. 
A  bumper,  boys,  for  woman,  upstanding,  with  one  foot  on  your  chairs, 
and  three  times  three,  ami  all  the  honours!  Immaculate,  immutable 
Woman!  Take  the  lire  from  me — The  ladies,  sir,  that  have  left  us, 
and  may  Ihey  never  leave  us  again,  and  may  blessing  be  on  them 
Wherever  they  go.  One,  two,  three,  hurrah  1 — bathershin  ! — one,  two, 
three  hurrah!  hurrah!' 


EUN    AND   AMUSEMENT.  173 

Singing  and  Jumping. — Handel  was  once  the  proprietor  of 
the  Opera  house,  London,  and  at  the  time  presided  at  the  harpsi- 
chord in  the  orchestra.  His  embellishments  were  so  masterly  that 
the  attention  of  the  audience  was  frequently  diverted  from  the  sing- 
ing  to  the  accompaniment,  to  the  frequent  mortification  of  the  vo- 
cal professors.  A  pompous  Italian  singer  was  once  so  chagrined 
at  the  marked  attention  paid  to  the  harpsichord,  in  preference  to 
his  own  singing,  that  he  swore,  that  if  ever  Handel  played  him  a 
similar  trick,  he  would  jump  down  upon  his  instrument,  and  put  a 
stop  to  the  interruption :  upon  which  Handel  thus  accosted  him: 
— '  Oh  !  oh  !  you  vill  jump,  vill  you?  very  veil,  Sare  ;  be  so  kind, 
and  tell  me  de  night  ven  you  vill  jump,  and  I  vill  advertishe  it 
in  de  bills ;  and  I  shall  get  grate  dale  more  money  by  your  jump- 
ing than  I  shall  get  by  your  singing.' 


BUONAPARTE. 

One  day  at  the  camp  of  Boulogne,  Napoleon,  accompanied  by 
6ome  engineers,  was  walking  on  the  beach,  and  an  old  sailor  was 
there  also ;  they  met,  and  the  old  tar,  without  seeming  the  least 
embarrassed,  answered  with  much  promptness  to  the  questions  put 
to  him.  During  this  discourse,  the  Emperor  took  out  his  gold 
snuff-box  and  opened  it  mechanically  ;  the  sailor,  on  seeing  it,  first 
saluted  the  Emperor  familiarly,  and  then  plunged  his  two  fingers 
into  the  box.  '  The  deuce !'  exclaimed  .Napoleon, '  it  seems,  com- 
rade, that  you  like  it.'  The  sailor  disconcerted  at  this  remark,  let 
fall  the  pinch,  and  began  to  apologize.  The  emperor  shut  the 
box.  '  Here,  my  brave  fellow,'  said  he, '  as  you  like  the  snuff  so 
well,  take  the  box  also.'  The  old  sailor  ever  after  was  continually 
relating  this  anecdote.  There  was  not  a  cabin  boy  but  was  anxious 
to  see  the  snuff-box ;  and  this  little  adventure  rendered  Napoleon 
more  popular  in  the  fleet,  than  if  they  had  received  a  present  of  six 
months'  pay. 


A  certain  Bishop  had  a  Biscayan  man-servant  whom  he  order- 
ed one  festival  to  go  to  a  butcher,  who  was  called  David,  for  a 
piece  of  meat,  and  then  come  to  church  where  the  Bishop  was  to 
preach.  The  Bishop  in  his  sermon,  bringing  authorities  from  the 
scriptures  in  this  manner :  '  Isaiah  says  thus :'  '  Jeremiah  says 
thus:'  At  last,  happening  to  turn  towards  the  door  as  his  servant 
came  in,  went  on.  '  And  what  says  David  ?'  upon  which  the  Bis- 
cayman  roared  out,  ■  He  swears  to  God,  that  if  you  do  not  pay 
your  old  bill,  you  need  never  send  to  his  shop  again.' 


174  THE   BOOK  OF 

A  dignified  Clergyman  when  returning  from  a  journey,  met 
near  his  house  a  comical  old  chimney-sweeper,  with  whom  he  used  to 
chat, '  So,  John,'  says  the  doctor, '  from  whence  come  you  ?'  'from 
your  house,'  says  Mr.  Soot,  '  for  this  morning  I  have  swept  all  your 
chimneys.'  '  How  many  were  there?'  says  the  doctor,  'No  less 
than  twenty,'  quoth  John.  'Well,  and  how  much  a  chimney  have 
you?'  '  Only  a  shilling  a  piece,  sir.'  '  Why  then,'  quoth  the  doc- 
tor, '  you  have  earned  a  great  deal  of  money  in  a  little  time.'  '  Yes, 
yes,  sir,'  says  John,  throwing  his  hag  of  soot  over  his  shoulders, 
'  we  black  coats  get  our  money  easy  enough.' 


THE  RICH  MAN  AND  THE  POOR  MAN 

So  goes  the  world  ; — if  wealthy,  you  may  call 
This  friend,  that  brother, — friends  and  brothers  all ; 
Though  you  are  worthless — witless — never  mind  it ; 
You  may  have  been  a  stable  boy — what  then  ? 

'Tis  wealth,  good  sir,  makes  honourable  men — 
You  seek  respect,  no  doubt,  and  you  will  find  it. 

But  if  you  are  poor,  heaven  help  you  !  though  your  sire 
Had  royal  blood  within  him,  and  though  you 
Possess  the  intellect  of  angels,  too, 

'Tis  all  in  vain ; — the  world  will  ne'er  inquire 

On  such  a  score  ; — why  should  it  take  the  pains  ? 

'Tis  easier  to  weigh  purses,  sure,  than  brains. 

I  once  saw  a  poor  fellow,  keen  and  clever, 

Witty  and  wise  : — he  paid  a  man  a  visit, 
And  no  one  noticed  him,  and  no  one  ever 

Gave  him  a  welcome.     'Strange,' cried  I    'whence  is  it V 
He  walk'd  on  this  side,  and  then  on  that, 
He  tried  to  introduce  a  social  chat ; 
Now  here,  now  there,  in  vain  he  tried  ; 
Some  formally  and  freezingly  replied, 

And  some 
Said  by  their  silence — 'Better  stay  at  home.' 

A  rich  man  burst  the  door, 

As  Cronsus  rich  —  I'm  sure 
He  could  not  pride  himself  upon  bis  wit; 
And  as  for  wisdom,  lie  had  none  of  it; 
He  had  what's  better,  -he  had  wealth. 

What  a  confusion  ! — all  stand  up  erect — 
These  crowd  around  him — ask  him  of  his  health  ; 

These  bow  in  honest  duty  and  respect , 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  175 

And  these  arrange  a  sofa  or  a  chair, 
And  these  conduct  him  there. 
'  Allow  me,  sir,  the  honour,' — then  a  bow 
Down  to  the  earth, — 1st  possible  to  show 
Meet  gratitude  for  such  kind  condescension  ? 

The  poor  man  hung  his  head, 

And  to  himself  he  said  : — 
'This  is,  indeed,  beyond  my  comprehension  :' 

Then  looking  round, 

One  friendly  face  he  found, 
And  said — '  Pray  tell  me  why  is  wealth  preferr'd 

To  wisdom?'— 'That's  a  silly  question,  friend  !' 
Replied  the  other — 'have  you  never  heard, 

A  man  may  lend  his  store 

Of  gold  and  silver  ore, 
But  wisdom  none  can  borrow,  none  can  lend  ?' 


Three  Chances  for  a  Wife.— I  once  courted  a  gal  by  the  name 
of  Deb  Hawkins.     I  made  up  to  get  married.     Well,  while  we  was 
going  up  to  the  deacon's,  I  stepped  my  foot  into  a  mud  puddle,  and 
spattered  the  mud  all  over  Deb's  new  gown,  made  out  of  her  grand- 
mother's chintz  petticoat.     When  we  got  to  the  deacon's  I  asked  Deb 
if  she  would  take  me  for  her  lawful  wedded  husband? — "No,"  says 
she,  "I  shan't  do  no  such  thing." — "What  on  airth  is  the  reason?" 
says  I. — "Why,"  says  she,  "I've  taken  a  mislikin'  to  you."     Well, 
it  was  all  up  with  me  then,  but  I  gave  her  a  string  of  beads,  a  few 
kisses,  some  other  notions,  and  made  it  up  with  her  ;  so  we  went  up  to 
the  deacon's  a  second  time.     I  was  determined  to  come  up  to  her  this 
time,  so  when  the  deacon  asked  me  if  I  should  take  her  for  my  law- 
fully wedded  wife,  says  I,  "  No,  I  shan't  do  no  such  thing." — "  Why," 
says  Deb,  "what  on  airth  is  the  matter  ?"—"  Why,''  says  I,  "I've 
taken  a  mislikin'  to  you  now."     Well,  there  it  was  all  up  again,  but  I 
gave  her  a  new  apron,  and  a  few  other  little  trinkets,  and  we  went  up 
again  to  get  married.     We  expected   then  we  6hould  be  tied  so  fast 
that  all  nature  couldn't  separate  us,  and  when  we  asked  the  deacon  if 
he  wouldn't  marry  us,  he  said,  "No,  I  shan't  do  no  such  thing."— 
"Why,  what  on  airth  is  the  reason?"  says  we. — "  Why,"  says  he, 
"I've  taken  a  mislikin'  to  both  on  you."     Deb  burst  out  cryin',  the 
deacon  burst  out  scoldin',  and  I  burst  out  laughin',  and  sicu  a  set  of 
reg'lar  bursters  you  never  did  see. 


1  How  is  it,'  said  a  gentleman  to  Sheridan,  'that  your  name  has 
not  an  0  attached  to  it  i*  Your  family  is  Irish,  and  co  doubt  il- 
lustrious.'—' No  family  has  a  better  right  to  an  O  thau  our  family," 
said  Sheridan, '  for  we  owe  every  body.' 


176  THE   BOOK   OP 

TIPPEKARY. 

Dr.  Fitzgerald,  in  his  poem  of  the  'Academic  Sportsman,'  in- 
troduces the  following  apostrophe  to  his  birth-place,  the  village  of 
Tipperary : 

4  And  thou,  dear  village,  loveliest  of  the  clime, 
Fain  would  I  name  tbee,  but  I  can't  in  rhyme.' 

This  catching  the  observation  of  some  of  our  English  wits,  gave 
rise  to  the  following  laughable  Jeu  de  mnt. 

A  bard  there  was  in  sad  quandary 
To  end  his  rhyme  with — Tipperary  ! 

Long  laboured  he  through  January, 
But  all  in  vain  for — Tipperary  ! 

Toil'd  every  day  in  February, 
But  toil'd  in  vain  for — Tipperary ! 

Exploring  '  Byshe's  Dictionary,' 

He  miss'd  the  rhyme  for — Tipperary  ! 

Search'd  Hebrew  text,  and  commentary, 
Yet  found  no  rhyme  for — Tipperary  ! 

And  though  of  time  he  was  not  chary, 
'Twas  thrown  away  on — Tipperary  ! 

For  still  the  line  would  run  contrary, 
Whene'er  he  turn'd  to — Tipperary  ! 

The  stubborn  verse  he  ne'er  could  vary, 
To  that  unlucky — Tipperary  ! 

Strange  that  a  wight  so  wise  and  wary, 
Could  find  no  rhyme  for — Tipperary ! 

He  next  implored  his  mother  Mary 
To  tell  him  rhyme  for— Tipperary! 

But  she,  good  woman,  was  no  fairy, 
Nor  witch,  though  born  in — Tipperary  ! 

Knew  every  thing  about  her  dairy, 
But  not  the  rhyme  for— Tipperary  ! 

Drawing  from  thence  a  corollary 

That  nought  would  rhyme  with — Tipperary! 

And  of  his  wild-goose  chase  most  weary, 
lie  vowed  to  leave  out — Tipperary  ! 


Wild  Beasts.— Diogenes  being  asked  what  kind  of  beast  was 
the  worst,  replied,  among  wild  beasts,  the  back-biter,  among  tame 
ones,  the  Batterer. 


fUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  177 

A  YANKEE  IN  LOVE. 

Oh,  dear,  what  nonsense  people  talk  about  love,  don't  they? 
Sleepless  nights — broken  dreams— beatin  hearts — pale  faces— a 
pinin'  away  to  shaders — fits  of  absence — loss  of  appetite — narvous 
flutterins,  and  all  that.  I  haven't  got  the  symptoms,  but  I'll  swear 
to  the  disease.  Folks  take  this  talk,  1  guess,  from  poets  ;  and  they 
are  miserable,  mooney  sort  of  critters,  half  mad,  and  whole  lazy, 
who  would  rather  take  a  day's  dream  than  a  day's  work  any  time, 
and  catch  rhymes  as  niggers  catch  flies  to  pass  time— hearts  and 
darts, cupid  and  stupid,  purlin'  streams  and  pulin'  dreams,  and  so  on. 
It's  all  bunkum!  Spooney  looks  and  spooney  words  may  do  for 
school-boys  and  seminary  gals ;  but  for  a  man  like  me,  and  an 
angeliferous  critter  like  Sophy,  love  must  be  like  electricity— eye 
for  eye,  heart  for  heart,  telegraphed  backwards  and  forwards  like 
'iled  liu-htnin.' — Sam  Slick. 


SLEEPING  THREE  IN  A  BED. 

Mr.  G.  Sykes,  a  respectable  Itinerant  Preacher,  was  remarkable 
for  wit  and  humour,  as  well  as  for  eloquent  preaching.  Being 
once  on  a  journey,  and  night  coming  on  before  he  could  possibly 
reach  the  residence  of  any  of  his  friends,  he  was  under  the  neces- 
sity of  tarrying  all  night  at  a  village  Alehouse.  Happening  to  be 
the  Fair  day  there,  the  landlady  informed  him  that  he  was  welcome 
to  stay  if  he  could  accommodate  himself  to  sleep  with  other  two 
gentlemen,  as  they  had  but  one  spare  bed,  and  that  was  already 
engaged  to  carry  double.  He  told  her  that  he  preferred  a' bed 
even  on  those  conditions  to  none.  However  about  bed-time,  he 
contrived  to  be  the  first  to  retire  to  rest.  After  having  secured  the 
door  with  all  possible  precaution,  he  fell  asleep — from  which  he 
Mas  quickly  roused  by  the  chamber-maid.  'Who's  there?'  in- 
quired our  traveller. — '  The  two  gentiemen  want  to  go  to  bed.'  re- 
plied the  girl.—'  1  think  the  bed  is  full  enough  already,'  said  he. — 
'Well,  who  is  there?' — '  Here  is  George  Sykes,'  calmly  replied  the 
man  of  God,  'a  Methodist  preacher,  and  myself'  The  maid  was 
satisfied,  aud  Mr.  Sykes  slept  comfortably  till  morning. 


Marshal  Soult,  once  showing  the  pictures  he  stole  in  Spain, 
stopped  before  one,  and  remarked:  'I  value  that  picture  very 
much  ;  it  saved  the  lives  of  two  estimable  persons.'  An  aide- 
camp  whispered  in  the  listener's  ears :  '  He  threatened  to  have 
them  both  shot  unless  they  gave  it  up.' 

L 


178  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  Lawyer's  Name. — A  lawyer  wrote  rascal  in  the  hat  of  a  bro- 
ther lawyer,  who,  on  discovering  it,  entered  a  complaint  in  open 
court  against  the  trespasser,  who,  he  said,  had  not  only  taken  his 
hat,  but  had  written  his  own  name  in  it. 


Wellington. — During  the  battle  of  Waterloo,  while  he  stood 
in  the  centre  of  the  high  road,  in  front  of  mount  St.  John,  several 
guns  were  levelled  at  him.  The  balls  repeatedly  grazed  a  tree 
on  the  right  hand  of  the  road,  which  now  bears  his  name.  '  That's 
good  practice,'  observed  the  Duke  to  one  of  his  suite,  'I  think  they 
fire  better  than  in  Spain.' 


WATCH  AND  PRAY. 

The  Rev.  Mr.  Leppington  had  a  practice  of  making  a  very  long 
extempore  Grace  before  meat : — Being  one  day  on  a  visit  to  a 
friend's  house,  who  was  blessed  with  a  son  endued  with  a  larger 
portion  of  wit  than  grace ;  when  the  company  had  sat  down  to  din- 
ner, which  was  neat  lint  plain,  and  served  up  in  one  or  two  dishes, 
and  all  were  leaning  their  closed  eyes  in  their  hands,  some  with 
real  and  some  with  affected  devotion,  attending  to  the  minister,  the 
waggish  youth  contrived  slily  and  silently  to  remove  the  eatables 
into  an  adjoining  apartment,  the  door  of  which  stood  open.  He 
had  recovered  his  seat  in  time  enough  to  raise  his  head  with  the 
rest  of  the  company.  'What  is  become  of  the  dinner,'  was  the 
extemporaneous  exclamation  of  every  tongue,  when  the  place  was 
discovered  '  where  the  dinner  was  not.' — 'Tis  a  judgment,'  ob- 
served the  youth,  '  on  us  for  not  sufficiently  attending  to  the  injunc- 
tions of  the  scripture.' — '  I  think  we  were  complying  exactly  with 
the  commands  of  scripture,'  said  Mr.  Leppington,  '  lor  we  were 
praying.' — '  Yes,'  says  the  youth,  'but  the  scripture  sivs  we  must 
ivalch as  well  as  prat/.  Had  one  of  us  been  watching  as  atten- 
tively as  you  were  prayiny,  we  had  not  lost  our  dinner.' 


It  is  said  that  of  five  hundred  and  forty  young  ladies  who  faint- 
ed away  last  year,  more  than  one  half  fell  into  the  amis  of  gentle- 
men.   Only  two  had  the  misfortune  to  fall  on  the  Hour. 


'  Ma,' said  little  Katv,  '  1  don't  think  Solomon  was  as  rich  as 
they  say  lie  was,'  'Why,  my  dear?'  asked  the  astonished  mother. 
1  Bi  cauBe  he  slept  with  his  fathers,  and  I  think  it  he  had  been  so 
ven  rich  be  would  have  had  a  bed  of  his  own.' 


FUN    AND    AMUSEMENT.  179 

A  proud  parson  and  his  man  riding  over  a  common,  saw  a  shep- 
herd tending  his  flock,  who  had  a  new  coat  on,  the  parson  asked 
him,  in  a  haughty  tone,  who  gave  him  that  coat?  'The  same,' 
said  he, 'that  clothed  you,  the  parish.'  The  parson,  nettled  at 
this,  rode  on,  murmuring,  a  little  way,  and  then  hade  his  man  go 
hack  and  ask  the  shepherd,  if  he  would  come  and  live  with  him, 
for  he  wanted  a  fool  ?  The  man  went  accordingly  to  the  shepherd, 
delivered  his  master's  message,  and  concluded  as  lie  was  ordered, 
that  his  master  wanted  a  fool.  '  Why  are  you  going  away  then  V 
said  the  shepherd.  '  No,'  answered  the  other.  '  Then  you  may 
go  and  tell  your  master,'  replied  the  shepherd,  'his  living  cannot 
maintain  three  of  us.' 


AN  ODE  TO  DELIA. 

Thy  ruby  eyes,  my  charming  fair, 

And  snowy  cheeks  have  won  my  heart 
May  heav'n  in  mercy  hear  my  prayer, 
And  never  let  thee  feel  the  smart. 

I've  often  wish'd  that  I  might  be 
A  dishclout  in  thy  rosy  hands  ; 

Or,  hut  the  favour' d  myrtle  tree, 

That  in  thy  chamber  window  stands. 

For  if  a  dishclout,  then  I  might 

Be  press'd  in  thy  lov'd  hand  by  day ; 

Or  if  a  myrtle,  then  by  nig-ht, 

I  could  thy  rapt'rous  charms  survey. 


Antiquity. — A  lawyer  and  a  doctor  were  discussing  the  antiqui- 
ty of  their  respective  professions,  and  each  cited  their  authority  to 
prove  his  the  most  ancient.  '  Mine,'  said  the  disciple  of  Lycurgus, 
'commenced  almost  with  the  world's  era.  Cain  slew  his  brother 
Abel,  and  that  was  a  criminal  case  in  law.'  '  True,'  rejoined  Es- 
culapius,  'but  my  profession  is  coeval  with  the  creation  itself. 
Old  Mother  Eve  was  made  out  of  a  rib  taken  from  Adam's  body, 
and  that  was  a  surgical  operation.'  The  lawyer  dropped  his  green 
bag.' 


Why  are  people  who  stutter  unsafe  to  rely  on  ?  Because  they're 
always  breaking  their  word. 


180  THE   BOOK   OP 

SWIFT  AND  SHERIDAN- 

Dr.  Sheridan  was  extremely  vain  of  his  estate  at  Quilca,  and 
improved  it  by  a  number  of  foolish  whims.  This  was  to  Dean 
Swift  a  fair  subject ;  and  he  seized  every  opportunity  to  ridicule 
the  Doctor  upon  it.  Happening  to  be  in  company  with  the  Bishop 
ofMeath,  and  some  other  persons,  among  whom  was  Sheridan, 
the  Bishop  observed  that  he  was  without  a  house,  as  his  palace 
was  then  undergoing  a  repair.  Upon  this  the  Dean  offered  the 
use  of  his  parsonage  at  Laracor  to  the  Bishop.  Dr.  Sheridan  who 
would  not  be  outdone  in  generosity,  made  the  Bishop  an  offer  of 
his  mansion  at  Qnilca.  The  Dean  was  tickled  with  the  folly  of 
the  schoolmaster,  and  produced,  for  the  information  of  the  company, 
the  following  ludicrous  discription  of  Quilca: 

Let  me  thy  properties  explain  ; 
A  rotton  cabin,  dropping  rain, 
Chimneys  with  scorn  rejecting'  smoke; 
Stools,  tables,  chairs,  and  bedsteads  broke. 
Here  elements  have  lost  their  uses, 
Air  ripens  not,  nor  earth  produces. 
In  vain  we  make  poor  Shelata  toil, 
Thro'  all  the  valleys,  hills,  and  plains, 
Fire  will  not  roast,  nor  water  boil. 
The  Goddess  Want  in  triumph  reigns  ; 
And  her  chief  officers  of  state, 
S/ul/i,  Dirt,  and  Theft  around  her  waitl* 

The  Doctor  sat  crest  fallen  a  few  moments,  and  then  slipped  out 
of  doors — wrote  a  humorous  inventory  of  the  Dean's  goods  at  Lar- 
acor— folded  it  up,  and  gave  it  with  a  shilling  to  a  beggar,  to  pre- 
Si  Ut,  as  a  petition,  to  the  Bishop.  While  the  Bishop  read  the  lct- 
ter,  the  Dean  railed  at  beggars ;  but  silence  seized  him  when  he 
took  the  paper  himself  and  read  : — 

'  A  true  and  faithful  inventory  of  the  goods  belonging  to  Dr. 
Swift,  Vicar  of  Laracor,  upon  Ins  offering  to  lend  his  house  to  the 
Bishop  of  Meath,  till  the  Bishop's  be  finished. 

"An  oaken,  broken,  t  lhow  chair; 
A  caudle  cup,  without  an  ear ; 
A  batter'd,  Bhatter'd,  ash  bedstead  ; 
A  boi  of  deal  « ithout  a  lid  ; 
A  pair  of  '""  i  i,  but  out  of  joint ; 
A  backsword  poken,  without  point; 
A  pot  that's  orack'd,  aoross,  around, 
With  an  old  knotted  garter  bound; 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  1  Si 

An  iron  lock,  w  ithout  a  key; 

A  w;g,  with  hanging  quite  »rown  grey; 

A  curtain  worn  to  half  a  stripe; 

A  pair  of  bellows  without  pipe; 

A  dish  which  might  afford  good  meat  once, 

An  Ovid,  and  an  old  Concordance; 

A  bottle  bottom,  wooden  platter; 

(One  is  for  meal,  and  one  for  water ;) 

There  likewise  is  a  copper  skillet; 

Which  runs  as  fast  out,  as  we  fill  it ; 

A  candle-stick,  snuff-dish,  and  save-all ; 

And  thus  his  household  goods  you  have  all. 

These  to  your  Lordship,  as  a  friend, 

Till  you  have  built,  I'll  freely  lend. 

They'll  serve  your  Lordship  for  a  shift ; 

Why  not  aa  well  as  Dr.  Swift? 

The  retaliation  was  allowed  to  be  complete,  and  the  parties  con- 
tiuued  faithful  friends  as  usual. 


HANDEL. 

Handel  had  such  a  remarkable  irritation  of  nerves,  that  he  could 
not  bear  to  hear  the  tuning  of  instruments,  and  therefore  this  was 
always  done  before  he  arrived  at  the  theatre.  A  musical  wag,  who 
knew  how  to  extract  some  mirth  from  Handel's  irascibility  of  temper, 
stole  into  the  orchestra,  on  a  night  when  the  Prince  of  Wales  was  to 
be  present,  and  untuned  all  the  instruments.  As  soon  as  the  Prince 
arrived,  Handel  gave  the  signal  of  beginning  con  spirito  ;  but  such 
was  the  horrible  discord,  that  the  enraged  musician  started  up  from 
his  seat,  and  having  overturned  a  double  bass,  which  stood  in  his  way, 
he  seized  a  kettle  drum,  which  he  threw  with  such  violence  at  the 
leader  of  the  band,  that  he  lost  his  full-bottomed  wig  in  th( 
Without  waiting  to  replace  it,  he  advanci  i,  bare-headed,  to  the  fi  : 
of  the  orchestra,  breathing  vengeance,  but  so  much  choked  with  pas- 
sion that  utterance  was  denied  him.  In  this  ridiculous  attitude  he 
stood  staring  and  stamping  for  some  moments,  amidst  a  convulsion  of 
laughter;  nor  could  he  be  prevailed  upon  to  resume  his  seat,  until  the 
Prince  went  in  person,  and  with  much  difficulty  appeased  his  wrath. 


A  secret  is  like  silence — you  cannot  talk  about  it  and  keep  it ;  it 
is  like  money — when  once  you  know  there  is  any  concealed  it  is 
half  discovered.  'My  dear  Murphy,'  said  an  Irishman  to  Lis 
friend,  'why  did  you  betray  the  secret  that  I  told  you?"  '  Is  it 
betraying,  you  call  it?  Sure,  when  I  found  I  wasn't  able  to  keep 
it  myself,  didn't  I  do  well  to   tell  it  to  somebody  that  could?' 


1S2  TIIE   BOOK   OF 

THE  LOVER'S  PETITION 

'  Give  me  a  tress  of  curling  hair. 

Above  thy  forehead,  love,  reclining1, 
And  next  my  faithful  heart  I'll  wear 

The  golden  treasure,  brightly  shining.* 
Thus  spoke  I  to  my  Laura  dear, 

And  brightly  on  her  cheek  the  blushes 
Of  modesty  and  love  sincere 

Uiuw'd  in  their  rosy  transient  flushes. 

Repulsing  me,  she  gently  strove 

To  free  her  tresses  from  my  fingers, 
And  as  I  sought  the  gift  of  love, 

The  glance  she  gave  in  mem'ry  lingers- 
'Twas  partly  anger,  partly  fear — 

I  wonder'd  at  her  strange  emotion, 
When  in  my  hand  her  wig  fell  down! — 

A  cooler  to  my  love's  devotion. 


RULES  TO  DISCOVER  MARRIED  COUPLES. 

1.  If  you  see  a  gentleman  and  a  lady  disagree  upon  trifling 
occasions  or  correcting  each  other  in  company,  you  ma;  be  assured 
they  have  tied  the  matrimonial  no( 

2.  If  you  a  it  pair  in  a  hackney  or  any  other  coach, 
lolling  i  one  at  each  window,  without  seeming  to  know 
they  have  a  companion,  the  sign  is  infallible. 

3.  If  you  see  a  lady  drop  her  glove,  and  a  gentleman  by  the 
side  of  her,  kindly  telling  her  to  pick  it  up,  you  need  not  hesitate 
in  forming  your  opinion  ;  or, 

4.  If  you  see  a  lady  presenting  a  gentleman  with  any  thing 
car'  I  inclined  another  way,  and  speaking  to  him 
with  in  ;  fieri  nee  ;  or, 

5.  Ifyou  meet  a  couple  in  the  fields,  the  gentleman  twenty 

ranee  of  the  lady,  who,  perhaps  is  getting  over  a  style 

with  .    i  picking  her  way  through  a  muddy  path  ;  or, 

(i.     li  you  see  a  lady  whose  beauty  and  accomplishments  attract 

attention  of  every  gentleman  in  the  room  but  one,  you  can 

haw  tin  difficulty  in  deb  rmining  their  relationship  to  each  other 

—  the  one  is  hei  husband. 

7.  1 1  you  Bee  a  gentleman  particularly  courteous,  obliging,  and 
good-natured,  relaxing  into  smiles,  saying  smart  things,  and  toying 
with  every  putty  woman  in  the  room,  excepting  one,  to  whom  he 


FITS     iVIi    AMUSEMENT.  183 

appears  particular])  n  served,  cold,  and  formal,  and  is  unreasona- 
bly cross — who  that  one  is,  nobody  can  lie  at  a  loss  to  discover. 

8.  If  you  see  a  young  or  an  old  couple  jarring,  checking  and 
thwarting  each  other,  differing  in  opinion  before  the  opinion  is 
expressed  ;  eternally  anticipating  and  breaking  the  thread  of  each 
other's  discourse,  yet  using  kind  words,  like  honey  bubbles  floating 
on  vinegar,  which  are  soon  overwhelmed  by  the  preponderance  of 
the  fluid  ;  they  are,  to  all  intents,  man,  and  wife ! — it  is  impossible 
to  be  mistaken. 

The  rules  above  quoted  are  laid  down  as  infallible  in  just  inter- 
pretation— they  may  be  resorted  to  with  confidence  ;  they  are  upon 
unerring  principles,  and  deducted  from  every  day's  experience. 


^X      ^~x 


Gallantly. — A  gallant  old  gentleman  of  the  name  of  Page, 
finding  a  young  lady's  glove  at  a  watering-place,  presented  it  to 
her  with  the  following  words: — 

'  If  from  yoiir  g-love  you  take  the  letter  G, 
Your  glove  is  love,  which  I  devote  to  thee." 

To  which  the  lady  returned  the  following  neat  answer: — 

If  from  your  Page  you  take  the  letter  P, 
Your  Page  is  age,  and  that  won't  do  for  me.' 


Crailiology. — A  professor  of  Craniology  passing  the  other 
morning  through  a  Church  yard  near  London,  while  they  were 
opening  some  old  graves,  took  up  several  skulls,  and  affected  to 
distinguish  very  accurately  the  characters  of  their  owners.  '  This 
now,'  said  the  professor, '  belonged  to  a  philosopher.'  'Like  enough, 
your  honour,'  replied  the  grave  digger, '  for  I  see  it  is  a  bit  cracked.' 


Some  time  before  the  breaking  up  of  the  British  head  quarters 
at  Cambray,  an  Irish  soldier,  a  private  in  the  23rd  Regiment  of 
foot,  was  convicted  of  shooting  at,  and  robbing  a  French  peasant, 
and  was  sentenced  to  be  hang<  d.  On  arriving  at  the  place  of  exe- 
cution, he  addressed  the  spectators  in  a  stentorian  voice,  as  fol- 
lows:— '  Bad  luck  to  the  Duke  of  Wellington,  he's  do  Irishman's 
friend  any  way.  1  have  killed  many  a  score  of  Frenchmen  by  his 
orders,  and  when  I  just  took  it  in  my  head  to  kill  one  ou  my  own 
account,  by  the  powers,  he  has  tacked  me  up  for  it.' 


'  Beware,'  said  the  potter  to  the  clay,  and  it  became  ware. 


184  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  scholar  of  Dr.  Bushby's  coming  into  the  parlour  where  the 
doctor  had  laid  a  fine  hunch  of  grapes  for  his  own  eating,  took  it 
up,  and  said  aloud,  '  I  publish  the  banns  between  these  grapes  and 
my  mouth;  if  any  one  knows  any  just  cause  or  impediment  why 
these  two  should  not  be  joined  together,  let  them  now  declare  it.' 
The  doctor  being  in  the  next  room,  overheard  all  that  was  said, 
and  coining  into  the  school,  he  ordered  the  boy  who  had  eaten  his 
grapes  to  be  taken  up,  or  as  they  called  it,  hors'd  on  another  boy's 
back;  but  before  he  proceeded  to  the  usual  discipline,  he  cried  out 
aloud,  as  the  delinquent  had  done  ;  '  I  publish  the  banns  between 
my  rod  and  this  boy's  breech,  if  any  one  knows  any  just  cause  or 
impediment  why  these  two  should  not  be  joined  together,  let  them 
declare  it.'  ;  I  forbid  the  banns,'  cried  the  boy.  'Why  so?'  said 
the  doctor.  '  Because  the  parties  are  not  agreed,'  replied  the  boy, 
which  answer  so  pleased  the  doctor,  who  loved  to  find  any  readiness 
of  wit  in  his  scholars,  that  he  ordered  the  boy  to  be  set  down. 


Two  Friends,  who  had  not  seen  each  other  for  some  time,  met 
at  the  Exchange.  '  How  are  you,'  said  one  of  them.  '  Not  very 
well.'  said  the  other.  '  So  much  the  worse;  what  have  you  been 
doing  since  I  saw  you  lastr"  '  I  have  being  getting  married.'  '  So 
much  the  better.'  '  Not  so  much  the  better;  for  I  married  a  bad 
wife'  '  So  much  the  worse.'  '  Not  so  much  the  worse,  for  her  dowry 
was  2000  Louis.'  '  So  much  the  better.'  '  Not  so  much  the  belter; 
for  1  laid  out  a  part  of  that  sum  in  sheep,  which  have  all  died  of 
the  rot.'  '  So  much  the  worse.'  'Not  so  much  the  worse  ;  because 
the  sale  of  their  skins  has  brought  me  more  than  the  price  of  the 
sheep.'  '  So  much  the  better '  '  Not  so  much  the  better  ;  for  the 
house  in  which  1  had  deposited  the  sheep  skins  and  the  money, 
has  just  been  burned.1  'Oh!  so  much  the  worse.'  'Notsomuch 
the  worse  ;  for  my  wife  was  within.' 


Mf.iut  Rewarded — 'Sam,'  said  one  little  urchin  to  another, 
i  your  schoolmaster  ever  give  you  a  reward  ol  merit?'     '  l 
s'pose  he  does,'  was  the  rejoindi  i  ;    'lie  gives  me  a  lickin'   every 
day,  and  Bays  1  merit  two.' 


A  Gentleman. — There  have  been  many  definitions  of  a  gentle- 
man, i'ut  the  prettiest  ami  most  poetic  is  that  given  by  a  lady  in 
New  York.  'A  gentleman,' said  she,  'is  a  humble  being  com- 
bining a  woman's  tenderness  wiih  a  man's  courage.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  185 

Irish  Porecast. — A  friend  of  mine  told  me,  that  lie  was  at  a 
funeral  sometime  since  ;  and,  although  the  Church  stood  on  rising 
ground,  it  was  so  wet  that  the  corpse  was  covered  with  water  as 
soon  as  it  was  let  down  into  the  grave.  An  Irishman  who  was  at 
the  funeral,  seemed  much  affected  on  seeing  the  water  cover  the 
coffin — and  said  in  a  serious  and  feeling  manner — '  If  ever  I  die 
while  I  live,  which  1  hope  I  never  shall,  I  will  net  he  buried  in 
this  Church-yard,  to  be  drowned  all  the  days  of  my  life!' 


AN  EP1GEAM. 

Cum  Bet,  says  Jack,  let's  hev  a  smack; 

L'v  langt  foi-'t  boon  a  week. — 
Here  take  it  then,  says  Bet  again  ; 

An  slapt  'im  reet  o'  th'  cheek  I 


Tom  Treddlehoyle's  Violoncello. -When  ah  wor  at  me  last 

skooil,  ah  tuck  ta  playin  a  blether-baise  ov  anew  destruekshan, — hey, 
an  ah  wor  soa  affeard  a  onny  boddy  seein  it,  at  ah  uze't  ta  be  teed  up 
in  a  6eck  whenivver  ah  play'd  it,  ah  wor,  indeed  ;  an,  ah  remember, 
wun  winter  time,  ah  wor  e  praektisin  a  varry  still  piece,  an  thear  they 
went  ta  bed,  do  yo  naw,  did  ar  owd  foaks,  an  left  me  teed  up  it  seek 
all't  neet,  an  when  they  gat  up  it  mornin,  thear  ah  wor  at  bottam  at 
stairs,  hommast  smuthard, — hey,  yo  ma  laft',  but  all  sud  a  been  an  noa 
mistack,  if  ah  heddant  a  nattard  a  hoyle  we  me  teeth,  ta  breath  throo. 
Anuther  thing:,  let  ma  tell  yo,  it  wor  a  varry  difficult  instrament  ta 
finger  wor  this,  an  so  Lindlay  ad  say  if  he  wor  ta  see  it,  an  heez  wun 
at  furst  banse  scrapers  e  this  country,  at  least  they  tell  me  so,  duz't 
foaks;  but  if  he  iz,  an  hez  onny  consate  in  hizsen  upa  baiseolog-y,  ah 
doant  mind  tryin  a  bit  ov  a  contest  we  him,  for  a  trifle,  awther  upa 
Hiekam  common,  Skyer's  moor,  Boadbill  flat,  or  onny  where  else  at 
heeze  a  mind  ta  menshan,  we  thin' t  terrytory  a  Yorksher;  an  them  at 
beats,  sal  be  ta  let  t'winnen's  goa  tut  benefit  a  Pudsa  Dorcas  Sasiaty  ; 
but  mind,  wot  ah  sal  play  al  be  this,  if  it  cums  to  a  Baig,  an  now't 
else,  an  that  iz't '  Bull  solo,'  «Sither  grinder's  fantazia,'  an't  'Mule 
choras,  wit  variations;  an  rare  hard  things  too,  for  ah  reckaleckt 
wunce,  when  all  wor  e  playin  t'furst  on  em,  ah  split  three  a  me  fin- 
ger-nails we  goin  daan  three  staves,  below  dubble  D,  fifteen  times  e 
wun  bar;  an  that  last  av  naim'd,  yo  mind,  iz  no  waister,  for  it  neks 
seven  paand  a  rozin  ta  g-oa  throo  it,  an  do  it  azitowt  ta  be  dun;  more 
then  that,  when  ah  get  firir  in  tat  middle  on't,  at  Lindlay  weant  be 
able  ta  be  within  a  cloiselength  on  ma,  sa  much  more  a  bar,  heele 
sneeze  so  wit  rozin-dust,  for  it  flies  e.  claads  alias  e  this  piece,  eaze  sa 
menny  simmy-dimmy  quavers;  wha,  yo  ma  think  wot  its  like,  when 
am  twenty  niinnits  an  eaan't  be  seen. 


1S6  THE   BOOK    OF 

Miser's  Dinner. — Swift  having  dined  with  a  rich  miser,  pro 
nounced  the  following  grace  after  dinner; 

'Thanks  to  this  miracle,  it  is  no  less 

Than  finding-  manna  in  the  wilderness. 

In  midst  of  famine  we  have  found  relief, 

And  seen  the  wonder  of  a  chine  of  beef ! 

Chimneys  have  smok'd,  that  ne'er  have  smok'd  before; 

And  we  have  din'd,  where  we  shall  dine  no  more.' 


ADVENTURES  OF  TOMMY  DIXON, 
IN  SEARCH  OF  A  WIFE. 

I  said  to  myself,  Tommy,  said  I,  it  is  quite  time  for  thee  to  think  of 
laiting  a  wife.  I  had  for  two  or  three  years  said  a  smooth  word  or 
two  to  Ellen  Mayfield  ;  but  then  I  thought  there  were  sure  to  be  better 
lasses  somewhere  than  Ellen.  It  would  be  very  curious  if  the  best 
young  woman  in  the  world  should  happen  to  be  born  at  How  House. 
1  knew  nought  amiss  by  Ellen ;  hut  then  if  I  went  farther,  I  might 
fare  better.  I  therefore  resolved  to  go  into  Lancashire,  and  get  aright 
good  one.  That,  Ellen  lived  in  Lancashire  to  be  sure,  and  she  was  a 
Lancashire  lass ;  but  then  she  had  seen  nothing,  and  I  wanted  a  wife 
that  knew  something. 

When  I  got  to  Lancaster,  I  called  on  my  cousin  Ned,  and  told  him  I 
was  going  down  into  Lancashire  to  /ait  a  wife.  Ned  was  so  pleased 
witli  my  resolution  that  he  laughed  right  heartily.  '  Thou'rt  quite  a 
dandy,'  said  Ned  ;  '  thou'll  win  one  any  where.'  To  be  sure  I  was  no 
way  a  despiseable  chap;  for  I  had  got  a  new  brown  jacket,  new  red 
plush  waistcoat,  new  velveteen  breeches,  blue  grey  stocking's,  and 
quarter  boots;  and  there  was  not  a  smarter  young  fellow  went  from 
ubout  Grayrigg,  though  I  say  it. 

'  What  kind  of  a  wife  would  you  have?'  said  Ned.  '  I  would  have 
one  witli  a  little  bit  of  brass, '  said  I,  '  for  I  shall  have  a  decent  estate 
when  my  father,  Lord  rest  him,  lias  done  with  it.' 

1  was  silting  at  the  Hear  and  Stall",  while  I  was  talking  with  Ned, 
and  such  a  beautiful  young  ladjf,  as  I  thought  her,  brought  us  some- 
thing to  drink.  When  she  was  gone,  Ned  says,  '  Well,  Tommy,  will 
that  suit  you,  as  you  seem  to  admire  her.'  '  If  I  could  catch  her,' 
said  I,  'she  would  do;  but  a  country  lad  like  me,  has  no  chance  of 
getting  a  Lancaster  lady.  Nay,  Ned,  I  must  be  content  with  one  like 
myself;  but  it  I  had  been  a  gentleman  1  would  have  had  that  lady.' 
'  That  lady,'  said  Ned,  '  is  only  the  bar-maid.  Her  lather  is  a  weav- 
er in  Penny-street ;  hut  line  feathers,  it  seems,  make  line  birds,  Tom- 
my.'— I  puzzled  a  long  while  to  think  how  servant  lasses  could  afford 
to  dress  like  ladies,  bul  I  couldn't  make  it  out. 

Uut  I  was  more  surprised  with  what  I  saw  at  Chorley  than  what  I 


FUN    AND   AMUSEMENT.  1S7 

was  with  t li is*.  Bill  Stitch,  our  tailor's  sou  was  living  at  Cliorley,  so 
I  called  upon  him  and  told  him  what  I  was  after.  'That's  right,'  said 
Bill,  '  we'll  just  take  a  walk  to  a  public-house  or  two,  and  try  to  find 
one  of  your  mind,  Tommy.'  'To  a  public-house  to  lait  a  sweetheart!' 
I  exclaimed.  'Yes,'  said  Bill,  'whither  else  would  you  go  V — We 
went,  and  there  they  were  sure  enough.  Haifa  dozen  sitting-  drink- 
ing as  comfortably  as  you  could  wish. 

*  I'll  tell  you  what,  Bill,'  said  I,  'I'll  just  set  back  to  Grayrigg,  tell 
my  father  what  I  have  seen,  and  set  off  and  wed  Ellen  immediately.' 
—  'You'll  never  do  better,'  said  Bill.  I  took  his  advice;  and  in  less 
than  three  weeks  1  wedded  Ellen,  and  I  believe  I  liked  her  better  since 
I  knew  what  kind  of  women  the  world  contained.  She  neither  spends 
my  money  in  fine  clothes,  nor  drinks ;  but  seems  as  anxious  as  I  do  to 
make  ends  meet  nicely,  and  get  a  little  matter  to  spare  against  a  wet 
day. 

Thus,  said  the  pannier  man,  it  is  not  necessary  to  travel  far  to  get 
a  ^ood  wife.  '  You  will  generally  find,'  said  the  old  man,  'that  hea- 
ven has  so  wisely  ordered  all  things,  that  our  marriages  will  uniform- 
ly be  most  happy  when  we  are  united  to  one  whom  we  know — No 
doubts  or  suspicions  torment  the  mind.  We  are  both  among  our  friends, 
and  constitute  one  little  family.  I  recommend  also  to  marry  as  nearly 
as  possible  in  the  same  rank  of  lite.  Our  ideas  then  of  proper  and  im- 
proper concerns  will  be  more  nearly  alike.  Our  pursuits,  and  the 
means  of  accomplishing  our  ends  will  not  be  so  often  thwarted.  But 
I  am  a  silly  old  man  for  attempting  to  advise  young  ones.  A  bright 
eye,  or  a  cherry  cheek  will  destroy  all  the  arguments  I  could  invent. 
If  I  should  preach  to  you  for  a  month,  the  smiling  lip  of  a  young  and 
lovely  female  would  make  you  forget  my  discourse  in  a  minute.  I 
know,  this  was  the  case  with  me  at  your  years,  and  I  naturally  sup- 
pose it  will  be  the  same  with  you.' 


An  Irishman  attending  the  University  of  Edinburgh  waited 
upon  one  of  the  most  celebrated  teachers  of  the  German  ilute,  de- 
siring to  know  on  what  terms  he  would  give  him  a  few  lessons. 
The  flute-player  informed  him,  that  he  generally  charged  two  guin- 
eas for  the  first  month,  and  one  for  the  second.  'Then  by  my 
soul,'  replied  the  cunning  Hibernian,  '  I'll  come  in  the  second 
month.' 


Sermons  and  Salutations. — A  good  sermon  is  like  a  kiss — 
it  requires  but  two  heads  and  a  little  application. 


1  On !  Nanny,  wilt  thou  gang  wi'  me?'  as  the  fellow  said  when 
he  was  trying  to  steal  the  goat. 


188  THE    BOOK    OF 

Satin  Waistcoat. — Many  years  since,  a  French  teacher,  resi- 
dent in  Oxford,  of  the  name  of  Dncane,  called  on  Mr.  Wickhani, 
a  mercer,  who  lived  opposite  University  College,  for  a  waistcoat 
piece,  hut  could  not  recollect  the  name  of  the  material  he  wished 
for.  He  said  that  'he  thought  it  was  de  English  for  de  Diahle.' 
Mr.  Wickham  mentioned  the  several  names  of  his  infernal  High- 
ness, such  as  Old  Nick,  Beelzehub,  etc. — 'No,  no,  it  was  not  dat.' 
was  the  reply.  At  last  Mr.  W.  thought  of  Satan.  '  0  dat  is  vat 
I  vant,'  said  Ducane, '  I  vant  a  Satan  vestcoat,' 


Fine  Antitheses. — A  Gentleman,  known  for  habitual  tardi- 
ness, was  invited  to  join  a  party  at  Nahant ;  and  appointed  for 
that  purpose  to  be  at  a  friend's  house  at  an  early  hour  in  the 
morning-.  Contrary  to  all  expectations,  he  was  the  first  on  the 
ground,  and  his  friend,  in  surprise  at  his  punctuality,  burst  out  in 
the  following  lucid  apostrophe :  '  So  you  have  come  first  at  last ; 
you  used  to  be  behind  before  ;  I  suspect  you  get  up  early  of  late ; 
'tis  well  you  called  in  season,  you  would  not  have  found  me 
within  without.' 


Fanny  Fern  on  Husbands  and  Wives.— 'if  your  husband 

looks  grave,  let  him  alone;  don't  disturb  or  annoy  him.'  01),  pshaw  ! 
when  I'm  married,  the  soberer  my  husband  looked,  the  more  fun  I'd  rat- 
tle about  his  ears.  '  Don't  disturb  him!'  I  guess  so!  I'd  salt  his  cof- 
fee, and  pepper  his  tea,  and  sugar  his  beefsteak,  and  tread  on  his  toes, 
and  hide  his  newspaper,  and  sew  up  his  pockets,  and  put  pins  in  his 
slippers,  and  dip  bis  cigars  in  water,  and  wouldn't  stop  for  the  Great 
Mogul,  till  I  had  shortened  his  face  to  my  liking.  Certainly  he'd  'get 
vexed' — there  wouldn't  be  any  fun  in  teasing  him  if  he  didn't — and 
that  would  give  his  melancholy  blood  a  good  healthful  Btart,  and  his 
eyes  would  snap  and  sparkle,  and  he'd  say  :  '  Fanny,  «  i  I  you  be  quiet 
or  nol  V  and  I  should  laugh  and  pull  his  whisk,  rs,  and  suy,  decidedly, 
'  Nol  !'  and  then  I  should  tell  him  I  hadn't  the  slightest  idea  how  hand- 
Borne  he  looked  when  he  was  vexed — and  then  he  would  pretend  not  to 
hear  the  compliment,  but  would  pull  up  his  dickey,  and  take  a  sly  pei  p 
in  the  glass  (for  all  that1.)  and  then  he'd  begin  to  grow  amiable,  and 

gel  nil' hi.- stilts,  and  he  just  as  agreeable  all  the   rest,  of  the  evening 

as  if  he  wasn't  my  husband-  and  all  because  1  didn't  follow  that  Btu- 
piil  advice,  '  t<>  let  him  alone.'  Just  as  if  I  didn't  know  !  Just  ima- 
gine m  i:,  Fanny,  Bitting  down  on  a  oricketin  the  corner,  with  my  fore- 
fingt  r  in  my  mouth,  looking  out  of  the  sides  of  my  eyes,  and  waiting 
till  that  man  got  ready  to  speak  to  mo !  You  can  see  at  once  it  would 
be.      Well,  the  amount  of  it  is,  I  shouldn't  do  it. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT. 


ISO 


TIM   TURPIN. 


Tim  Turpin  hG  was  gravel  blind, 
And  ne'er  had  seen  the  skies — 

For  nature,  when  his  head  was  made, 
Forgot  to  dot  his  ej  es, 

So  like  a  Christian  pedagogue 
Poor  Tim  was  forced  to  do — 

Look  out  for  pupils,  for  he  had 
A  vacancy  for  two. 

There's  some  have  specs  to  help  their 
sight, 

Of  objects  dim  and  small — 
But  Tim  had  specks  in  both  of  his 

Yet  could  not  see  at  all. 

Now  Tim,  he  wooed  a  servant  maid, 
And  took  her  to  his  arms, 

For  he,  like  Pvraraus,  had  cast 
A  wall-eye  on  her  charms. 

By  day  she  led  him  up  and  down, 
Where'er  he  wished  to  jog, 

A  happy  wife — altho'  she  led 
The  life  of  any  dog. 

But  just  when  Tim  had  livedamonth 

In  honey  with  his  wife, 
A  surgeon  op'd  his  Milton  eyes — 

Like  oysters — with  a  knife. 

But  when  his  eyes  were  open'd  thus 
He  wished  them  dark  again, 

For  when  he  looked  upon  his  wife, 
He  saw  her  very  plain  ! 

Her  face  was  bad,  her  figure  worse, 

lie  couldn't  bear  to  cat, 
For  she  was  any  thing  but  like 

A  grace  befoie  his  meat ! 

Now  Tim,  he  was  a  feeling  man— 
For  when  his  sight  was  thick, 

He  used  to  feel  for  every  thing, 
And  that  was  with  a  stick ! 


So,  with  a  cudgel  in  his  hand, 
(It  was  nut  slight  or  slim) 

He  knock'd  at  his  wile's  head,  until 
'  It  opened  unto  him.' 

And  when  the  corpse  was  stiff  and 
cold, 

He  took  his  slaughtered  spouse, 
And  laid  her  in  a  heap  with  all 
The  ashes  uf  her  house  ! 

But  like  a  wicked  murderer. 
He  lived  in  constant  fear 

From  day  to  day — and  so  he  cut 
His  throat  from  ear  to  ear ! 

The  neighbours  fetched  a  doctor  in, 
Says  he,  this  wound,  I  dread 

Can  hardly  be  sewed  up — his  life 
Is  hanging  on  a  thread! 

But  when  another  week  was  gone, 
He  gave  him  stronger  hope — 

Instead  of  hanging  on  a  thread, 
Of  hanging  on  a  rope  1 

Ah !   when  he  hid   his    murderous 
work 

In  ashes  round  about, 
How  little  he  supposed  the  truth 

Would  soon  be  sifted  out! 

But  when  the  parish  dustman  came 
His  rubbish  to  withdraw — 

He  found  mure  dust  within  the  heap 
Than  lie  contracted  fur. 

A  dozen  men  to  try  the  fact. 
Were  sworn  that  verj    lay, 

And  though  they  were  all  jurors,  yet 
No  conjurors  were  they. 

Said  Tim  unto  the  jurymen — 
You  need  not  waste  your  breath, 

For  I  confess  myself  at  once, 
The  author  of  her  death. 


190  THE   BOOK  or 

And,  oh  !  when  I  reflect  upon            >  The  great  judge  took  his  judgment 

The  blood  that  I  have  spilt,             j  cap, 

Just  like  a  button  is  my  soul —           \  And  put  it  on  his  head, 

Inscribed  with  double  gilt !             J  And  sentenced  Tim,  by  law,  to  hang 

<  Till  he  was  three  time*  dead  ! 


Then  turning  round  his  head  again, 

lie  saw  before  his  eyes 

A  great  judge  and  a  little  judge— 

„,,      .    ,  ,       .      ,  >    On  Horsham  urop,  ana  none  can  say 

The  judges  ol  a-size!  )  ' 


So  he  was  tried,  and  he  was  hung, 
(Fit  punishment  for  such) 


It  was  a  drop  too  much  ! 


v---^>~^  . 


JOE  STANDFAST'S  DESCRIPTION  of  a  SEA-FIGHT. 

We  were  cruising  off  the  Lizard  :  on  Saturday  the  29th  of  Oc- 
tober, at  seven  minutes  past  six,  a.  m.  a  sail  hove  in  sight,  bearing 
southwest,  with  her  larboard  tacks  on  board  ;  clear  decks  ;  up  sails, 
away  we  stood  ;  the  wind  right  east  as  it  could  blow  ;  we  saw  she 
was  a  Monsieur  of  superior  force,  and  awful  heavy  metal.  We  re- 
ceived her  lire  without  a  wiuce,  and  returned  the  compliment ;  till 
about  five-and-twenty  minutes  past  eight,  we  opened  our  lower 
deck  ports,  and,  as  we  crossed,  plumpt  it  right  into  her.  We  quick- 
ly wore  round  her  stern,  and  gave  her  a  second  part  of  the  same 
tone;  ditto  repeated  (as  our  doctor  writes  on  our  doses).  My  eyes! 
how  she  rolled  !  she  looked  like  a  floating  mountain  !  '  T'other 
broadside,  my  boys,'  says  our  captain,  'and  hang-me  you'll  make 
the  mountain  a  mole-hill !' — We  followed  it  up,  till  her  lantern- 
ribs  were  as  full  of  holes  as  a  pigeon-box.  By  nine,  she  had  shiv- 
ered our  canvass  so,  1  thought  she'd  have  got  off,  for  which  she 
crowded  all  sail.  We  turned  to,  however,  and  wore;  and  in  half 
an  hour  got  along-side  a  second  time :  we  saw  all  her  mouths  wide 
open,  and  we  drench'd  her  sweetly.  She  swallowed  our  English 
pills  by  dozens:  but  they  griped  her  awfully.  At  forty  minutes 
after  nine,  we  brought  all  our  guns  to  bear  at  once;  bang — she 
had  it.  Oh  !  hang-me,  'twas  a  settler.  In  less  than  two  minutes 
alter,  she  cried  '  Peccavi!' — In  five  more  she  took  lire  abaft ;  and 
just  as  we  were  going  to  board  her,  and  clap  every  lubber  upon  his 
beam  end — whush  ! — down  she  went  by  the  head. — My  eyes  !  what 
a  screech  was  there. — Out  boats  ;  not  a  man  was  idle— we  picked 
up  two  hundred  and  fifty  odd,  sound  and  wounded  ;  and  if  1  did 
not  feel  more  joy  at  heart  at  saving  their  lives,  than  at  all  the  vic- 
tories I  ever  had  a  share  in,  hang-me! 


Mrs.   Partington  says  that  her  minister  preached  about  '  the 
parody  of  the  probable  son.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  101 

HUMOROUS  TIT-BITS. 

The  Poetry  and  the  Prose  of  Nature. — The  most  beau- 
tiful sight  in  nature,  met  lately  by  a  florid  correspondent,  was  a 
woman :  '  Grace  was  in  her  step,  heaven  in  her  eye,  and  in  her 
arms  a  baby.'  A  rose-hush  with  a  bud  clinging  to  it  was  nothing 
compared  with  such  a  heavenly  combination.  But  what  was  poor 
John  like,  when  the  baby  was  handed  to  him  to  carry? 


The  School  for  Good  Manners. — As  George  III.  was  walk- 
ing the  quarter-deck  of  one  of  his  men-of-war,  with  his  hat  on,  a 
sailor  asked  his  messmate  '  who  that  fellow  was  who  did  not  douse 
his  peak  to  the  admiral  ?'  '  Why,  it's  the  King.'  '  Well,  king  or 
no  king,' retorted  the  other,  'he's  an  unmannerly  dog?'  'Lord! 
where  should  he  learn  manners?"  replied  Jack.  "  he  was  never  out- 
side of  land  in  his  life.' 


The  man  who  has  never  been  struck  by  the  glance  of  a  bright 
eye  deserves  to  be  struck  himself;  he  who  bows  not  to  love  ought 
to  be  trimmed  with  a  hickory  bough ;  and  the  one  who  needs  not 
the  soft  consolation  of  a  gentle  and  devoted  wife  should  be  well 
kneaded  with  hard  rubs. 


A  '  Fast  Man'  and  a  Trotter. — A  creditor,  whom  he  was 
anxious  to  avoid,  met  Sheridan  coming  out  of  Pall  Mall.  There 
was  no  possibility  of  avoiding  him,  but  he  did  not  lose  his  presence 
of  mind.  '  That's  a  beautiful  mare  you  are  on!'  said  Sheridan. 
'  Do  you  think  so  ?'  '  Yes  indeed  !  how  does  she  trot  ?'  The  cred- 
itor, highly  flattered,  put  her  into  a  full  trot.  Sheridan  bolted 
round  the  corner,  and  was  out  of  sight  in  a  moment. 


Husband. — Well,  my  love,  I've  sold  Carlo.  Wife  [who  ab- 
hors dogs]  —Now,  Charles,  that's  kind  in  you — the  dirty,  nasty 
brute — you  ought  to  have  done  it  long  ago.  Husband — Yes,  my 
love  ;  got  fifty  dollars — good  trade— all  in  pups  -five  at  ten  dollars 
a  piece. 

A  Lady  compositor  explained  to  her  'fellow'  the  other  day  the 
difference  between  printing  and  publishing,  and  at  the  conclusion 
of  her  remarks,  by  way  of  illustration,  she  said,  'you  may  print 
a  kiss  on  my  cheek,  but  you  must  not  publish  it ' 


192  the  book  or 

Curious  Conundrum  or  Rebus. — A  waggoner  passing  a  store, 
was  asked  what  lie  bad  in  his  waggon.     He  replied : 

Three-fourths  of  a  cross,  and  a  circle  complete 
An  upright  where  two  semi-circles  meet ; 
A  rectangle  triangle  standing  on  feet; 
Two  semi-circles  and  a  circle  complete. 

Query. — What  was  in  the  waggon? 

This  is  a  very  '  puzzle' — but  after  some  study,  we  can  cry  { eitrrl.a. 
Thus  three-fourths  of  a  cross  is  a  T.  A  circle  complete  is  an  0. 
An  upright  where  two  semi-circles  meet  is  a  B.  A  triangle  stand- 
ing on  feet  is  an  A.  Two  semi-circles  are  CC,  and  a  circle  is  0. 
TOBACCO  is  what  was  in  the  waggon. 

The  waggoner  may  wag  on. 


BOAR-HUNTING  IN  THE  EAST  INDIES. 

I  assisted  the  other  day  in  a  stirring  scene,  the  narration  of  which 
may  amuse  the  sporting  portion  of  your  readers.  Three  of  us  sallied 
forth  one  fine  morning  to  rouse  the  wild  boar  from  his  lair.  We  had 
not  heat  long  before  we  started  a  boar,  who  went  away  at  a  spanking 
rate.  I  got  the  lead  with  my  chestnut  galloway,  and  pressed  him 
hard.  As  I  was  closing  up  alongside  to  receive  his  charge,  two  bul- 
locks, tied  top-ether  by  a  long  rope,  ran  across  my  path,  and  nearly 
upset  me.  My  friend  Mr.  Allan  W.,  of  Phoolbariah  Factory,  Dacca 
district,  now  came  in  for  the  first  spear.  As  Mr.  AV.  speared  the  an- 
imal, it  got  between  his  horse's  fore  legs;  and,  in  a  moment,  horse, 
rider,  and  hog-,  were  rolling  over  each  other  in  a  cloud  of  dust.  Before 
\V.  could  pick  himself  up,  the  boar  rushed  at  him,  seized  him  by  the 
coat  (which  luckily,  was  loose),  lifted  him  off  the  ground,  and  shook 
him  as  a  terrier  would  shake  a  rat.  Mr.  W.  had  the  presence  of 
mind  tn  lie  still,  and  pretend  to  be  dead.  His  horse  Rainbow — a  beau- 
tiful  prey  Arab — jumped  up  and  ran  towards  me,  as  if  tor  protection 
— shaking  and  shivering  in  every  limb.  He  then  snorted  wildly,  and 
galloped  oil".  Having-  got  I'vcv.  from  W's  horse,  1  went  at  the  pi-',  who 
immediately  left  W.  and  rushed  at  me  with  blood-?  hot  eye  and  eliamp- 

ing  tusks.  My  spear  arrested  his  headlong  career,  and  wheeling  my 
horse  off  with  bit  and  spur,  I  got  safe  away  from  the  infuriated  ani- 
mal, who,  giving  a  savage  grunt,  dashed  at  Mr.  D.,  of  Sreemi 
factory,  a  celebrated  hog-hunter  and  daring-  rider.  The  pig  received 
a  terrific  job  from  Mr,  I)'.-,  herculean  arm;  but  this  only  appeared  to 
madden  bim.  Again  he  rushed  at  Mr.  D.,  whose  excellent  horseman- 
ship enabled  him  to  avoid  the  onset.  The  savage  brute  Foiled  in  his 
rush,  now  stood  grimly  at  hay,  Ids  small  malignant  eye  glnring  on  his 
(ues,  and  his  huge  tu.-ks  gleaming  snow-white  from  out  ot   the  bloorf- 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  193 

covered  jaws.  After  an  instant's  pause,  the  boar  charged  at  each  ot 
us  in  our  turn — Mr.  W.,  who  was  unable  to  help,  as  his  horse  was  not 
naught  until  after  the  fray,  looking  on  as  a  spectator.  From  each  of 
us  the  boar  received  many  a  severe  wound,  but  he  still  gallantly  kept 
up  the  fight.  A  powerful  bull  mastiff  of  mine  now  coming  up,  seized 
the  pig  by  the  snout,  and  held  him  for  a  short  time.  He  threw  the 
dog  off,  but  after  receiving  some  more  spears,  fell  upon  the  field.  A 
more  gallant  pig  never  walked  the  jungle  plain. 

Strange  to  say,  Mr.  W.  escaped  with  no  further  injury  than  a  graze 
from  the  boar's  tusks  along  the  ribs  of  the  left  side;  and  the  evening's 
festive  board  found  him  singing  the  well-known  song: — 

Then  pledge  the  boar— the  mighty  boar! 

Fill  high  the  cup  with  me ; 
Here's  luck  to  all  who  fear  no  fall, 

And  the  next  grey  boar  we  see. 

You  can  fancy  we  joined  most  heartily  in  the  chorus. 


-  "v  j"  N^v  "v  y  n.  •"  "v  >-  n  ■ 


CROSS  HEADINGS. 

"We  had  a  violent  gale  of  wind  on  Monday  last — Which  was  con- 
ducted in  the  most  private  manner. 

The  Workinton  Auxiliary  Bible  Society — Is  found  to  be  remarkably 
reduced  in  flesh. 

Ulverston  cock-fights  begin  on  the   10th  instant — Lord  Melville  is 
appointed  Governor. 

To  be  sold  by  private  contract — The  Chancellorship  of  the  University 
of  St.  Andrews. 

Yesterday,  his  Grace  the  Duke  of  Wellington— Was  safely  deliver- 
ed of  three  fine  children. 

Last  week,  a  field  of  barley  was  cut  in — The  venerable  parish  church 
of  Ulverston. 

The  Tower-steeple  of  St.  Nicholas  Church,  Liverpool— Is  licensed  to 
sell  ale  and  spirituous  liquors. 

The  assistance  of  the  well-disposed  is  required  in  support  of— The 
small  Lottery  containing  5000  tickets. 

Money  wanted — The  greatest  discovery  in  the  memory  of  man. 

Upwards  of  8000  acres  of  waste  hind  have — Arrived  at  Liverpool 
from  Miramichi. 

On  Saturday  the  12th  regiment  of  Dragoons — Was  attacked  by  a 
mad  bull,  and  dreadfully  gored. 

During  the  late  storm,  a  ship  was  driven  on  shore — In  Kentmere 
fell  heads. 

On  Thursday  last,  was  launched  in  the  Lune  at  Lancaster— Several 
sums  of  £1000,  £500,  and  £200. 

Married  on  Monday  last,  Mr.  W.  Simpson  to     A.  prize  of  twenty 
thousand  pounds. 

M 


194  THE   BOOK   OF 

CROSS  TALKING. 

The  following-  is  something1  very  nearly  similar  to  the  foregoing- ;  and 
will  follow  extremely  well : — 

A  writer  in  the  New  Monthly  Magazine  gives  the  following  pleasant 
illustration  of  a  cross  dialogue: — 'Talking  of  incongruities  puts  me  in 
mind  of  the  steam-boat,  and  of  a  conversation  between  two  parties, 
one  conversing  of  their  children,  the  other  settling  the  ingredients  of 
a  wedding  dinner,  whose  joint  colloquies,  as  I  sat  between  them,  fell 
upon  my  ear  in  the  following  detached  sentences:  — 

'  Thank  Heaven  ;  my  Sally  is  blessed — with  a  calf's  head  and  a  pig's 
face. 

'  Well,  if  I  should  have  another  baby  I  shall  have  it  immediately — 
skinned  and  cut  into  thin  .slices. 

'  I  love  to  see  little  Tommy  well-dressed — in  the  fish-kettle  over  a 
charcoal  fire. 

'  To  behold  the  little  dears  dancing  before  one— in  the  frying-pan. 

'  And  to  hear  their  innocent  tongues — bubble  and  squeak. 

1  My  eldest  girl  is  accomplished — with  plenty  of  sauce. 

'  I  always  see  the  young  folks  put  to  bed  myself — and  smothered  in 
onions. 

'  And  if  they  have  been  very  good  children,  I  invariably  order — the 
heart  to  be  stuffed  and  roasted,  the  gizzard  to  be  peppered  and  deviled, 
and  the  sole  to  be  fried.' 


JOHN  AND  JOAN. 

No  plate  had  John  and  Joan  to  hoard, 
Plain  folks  in  humble  plight; 

One  tankard  only  crown'd  their  board 
And  that  was  filled  each  night. 

Along  whose  inner  bottom,  sketch 'd 

In  pride  of  chubby  grace, 
Some  rude  engraver's  hand  had  etch'd 

A  baby  angel's  face. 

John  Bwallow'd  first  a  moderate  sup, 

But  Joan  was  not  like  John, 
For  when  her  lips  first  touch'd  the  cup, 
She  swill'd  till  all  was  gone. 

John  often  urged  her  to  drink  fair, 
But  she  ne'er  ohanged  a  jot, 

She  loved  to  see  the  angel  there, 
And  therefore  drain'd  the  pot. 


FUN   AND    AMUSEMENT.  195 

When  John  found  all  remonstrance  vain 

Another  card  he  play'd, 
And  where  the  angel  stood  so  plain, 

He  got  a  devil  pourtray'd. 

Joan  saw  the  horns,  Joan  saw  the  tail, 

Yet  she  as  stoutly  quaflfd  ; 
And  ever,  when  she  seized  her  ale, 

She  clear'd  it  at  a  draught. 

John  stared,  with  wonder  petrified, 

His  hair  rose  on  his  pate  ; 
And  '  Why,  does  guzzle  now,'  he  cried 

At  this  enormous  rate? 

'Oh,  John,'  said  she,  'am  I  to  blame? 

I  can't  in  conscience  stop; 
For  sure  'twould  be  a  burning  shame, 

To  leave  the  Devil  a  drop.' 


A  Couple  of  Legs. — It  Lad  been  a  stormy  November  day, 
when  a  commercial  traveller  alighted  at  the  door  of  the  Swan  Inn. 
Mr.  A.,  the  lawyer,  sat  on  one  side  of  the  fire;  the  new  comer,  in 
what  was  called  Traveller's  Chair,  on  the  other,  Mr.  A's  leg  was 
covered  with  a  black  silk  stocking,  the  traveller's  was  cased  in  stout 
leather  ;  when  a  bet  was  laid  that  the  wearer  of  the  silks  would  hold 
his  leg  longer  in  hot  water  then  the  wearer  of  the  leathers.  The 
experiment  was  tried  in  boiling  water.  In  two  minutes  the  stran- 
ger was  in  agony,  while  the  lawyer  looked  on  with  astonishing 
composure —  lor  his  was  a  cork  leg. 


Dr.  Beesway,  in  his  'Essay  on  woman,'  says, 'I  have  made 
woman  my  study  for  a  series  of  years,  but  I  never  found  one  who 
stuttered.  I  meet  with  any  number  of  men,  every  day,  who  s-st- 
stammer,  but  never  have  I  seen  a  woman  who  couldn't  blow  an 
unbroken  blast.' 


A  Hen's  Mistake. — The  Woonsocket  Patriot  editor  males 
merry  over  a  mistake  of  an  old  Shanghae  hen  of  his,  that  has  been 
'setting'  for  five  weeks  upon — two  round  stones  and  a  piece  of 
brick !  '  Her  anxiety,'  quoth  he,  '  is  no  greater  than  ours,  to  know 
what  she  will  hatch.  If  it  moves  a  brickyard— that  heu  is  not  for 
sale.' 


196  THE   BOOK   OF 

An  Irish  Dinner. — Will  you  dine  with  me  to-morrow?'  said 
a  Hibernian  to  his  friend.  '  Faith  an'  I  will,  with  all  my  heart.' 
'  Remember 'tis  only  a  family  dinner  I'm  asking  ye  to.'  'And 
what  for  not?  A  family  dinner  is  a  mighty  plisant  thing!  What 
have  ye  got?'  '  Och  !  nothing  by  common !  Jist  an  illigant  pace 
of  corued  beef  and  potatoes."  '  By  the  powers !  that  bates  the  world ! 
Jist  my  own  dinner  to  a  hair — barring  the  beef f 


DR.  HERSCHEL 

Dr.  Herschel,  the  celebrated  astronomer,  was  originally  brought  up 
to  his  father's  profession,  that  of  a  musician,  and  accompanied  a  Ger- 
man regiment  to  England  as  one  of  the  band,  performing  on  tbe  haut- 
boy. While  acting  in  this  humble  capacity,  in  the  north  of  England, 
a  new  organ  was  built  for  the  parish  church  of  Halifax,  by  Snetzler, 
which  was  opened  with  an  Oratorio  by  the  well-known  Jonah  Bates. 
Mr.  Herschel  and  six  other  persons  became  candidates  for  the  organist's 
situation.  A  day  was  fixed,  on  which  each  was  to  perform  in  rotation. 
When  Mr.  Wainwright,  of  Manchester,  played,  his  finger  was  so  rapid 
that  old  Snetzler,  the  organ  builder,  ran  about  the  church,  exclaiming, 
'  He  run  over  de  key  like  one  cat;  lie  will  not  give  my  pipes  time  to 
speak.'  During  Mr.  AVainwright's  performance,  Dr.  Miller,  the  friend 
of  Herschel,  inquired  of  him  what  chance  he  had  of  following  him  ?  '  I 
don't  know,'  said  Herschel;  'but  I  am  sure  that  fingers  will  not  do.' 
When  it  came  to  his  turn,  Herschel  ascended  the  organ  loft,  and  pro- 
duced so  uncommon  a  richness,  such  a  volume  of  slow  harmony,  as 
astonished  all  present,  and  after  this  extemporaneous  effusion,  he  finish- 
ed with  the  Old  Hundredth  Psalm,  which  he  played  better  than  his  op- 
ponent. '  Aye,  aye,'  cries  Old  Snetzler,  '  'tish  is  very  good,  very  good 
indeed  ;  I  will  luf  tis  man,  he  gives  my  pipes  time  to  speak.'  Herschel 
being  asked  by  what  means  he  produced  so  astonishing  an  effect,  re- 
plied, '  I  told  you  fingers  would  not  do;'  and  producing  two  pieces  of 
lead  from  his  waistcoat  pocket,  said,  '  One  of  these  I  laid  on  the  lowest 
key  of  the  organ,  and  the  other  I  put  on  the  octave  above,  and  thus 
by  accommodating  the  harmony,  1  produced  tbe  effect  of  four  hands 
instead  of  two.'  This  superiority  of  skill  obtained  Herschel  tbe  situa- 
tion :  but  he  had  other  and  higher  obji  cts  in  view,  to  suffer  him  long 
to  retain  it. 


Jerry  Bryant,  Esq.  says  there  is  one  place  in  the  world  where 
u  man  may  always  find  happim  ss,  which  is  in  the  dictionary. 


A  correspondent  of  the  Nashville  Gazette,  who  Bigns  '  Suphia,' 
Bayt  thai  woman  »a  twice  as  jood  as  man,  and  proves  it  thus  by 
the  very  orthography.     W-O-M-A-N — double  ymt,  0,  man  ! 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  197 

Hogg's  Tales. — 'Any  commands,  Miss,  for  Watherford  ?'  says 
I.  '  Yes,'  says  she  ;  'go  to  the  library  and  bring  me  Hogg's  Tales ; 
I  want  them  very  much.'  ■  To  the  library  to  fetch  hog's  tails !'  says 
I ;  'that's  a  quare  place  to  get  them.'  '  Not  at  all,'  says  she  ;  'at 
the  English  library.  Where  else  would  you  get  Hogg's  Tales?' 
'Oh!  very  well,  Miss,'  says  I ;  'as  it's  the  English  library,  I  sup- 
pose they  keep  all  sortings  there.'  'To  be  sure  they  do,'  says  she  ; 
'  you  won't  forget.'  '  Did  1  ever  forget  any  thing  you  bid  me  ?' 
says  I.  'When  I  do,'  says  I,  'it'll  be  time  enough  ibr  you  to  be 
backbiting  me,'  says  I  ;  '  which  is  a  thing  no  young  lady  ought  to 
do  to  a  dacent  man  ;'  and  off  I  went  in  a  huff.  Well,  the  bustle 
of  the  town  and  one  thing  or  another  bothered  me  so,  that  I  for- 
got where  she  said  1  was  to  get  the  hog's  tails  :  so  1  walked  off  to 
the  shambles,  and  hunted  every  stall  in  the  place,  but  never  a  man 
there  would  cut  off  the  tail  of  his  pig  for  me,  because  they  all  said 
the  tail  was  the  beauty  of  the  baste.  So,  whin  I  couldn't  get  the 
tails,  I  bought  two  of  the  prettiest  bacon  faces  you  ever  saw,  think- 
ing they'd  do  for  Miss  Car'line  as  well  as  the  hog's  tails!  And  to 
be  sure  the  laugh  they  riz  again  me,  for  it  turned  out  that  what  she 
wanted  was  a  story-book,  written  by  one  Mister  Hogg — and  sure 
that's  a  queer  name  for  a  Christian.' 


TO  PEOPLE  ABOUT  TO  MAEEY. 

MRS.  BEAKEY'S  TABLE  (AND  CHAIR)  TALK. 

The  following-  conversation  will  convey  to  our  readers  who  are  about 
to  enter  on  the  duties  of  Housekeeping,  a  hint  worth  remembering': — 

"  Well,  my  love,  Charles  thought  that  as  I  had  vowed  I  would  never 
marry  into  furnished  lodgings,  we  had  better  wait  until  he  had  saved 
money  enough  to  furnish  a  house  comfortably.  I  was  sillier  then  than 
I  am  now,  and  I  thought  his  wanting  to  postpone  our  marriage  didn't 
look  much  like  love,  so  I  sulked.  He  was  sillier  then  than  he  is  now, 
and  minded  a  woman's  sulks.  He  furnished  a  house  completely  from 
top  to  bottom,  from  an  advertising  warehouse,  and  the  whole  bill  came 
to  29/.  lis.  3|d.  We  married  and  took  possession.  Here  is  my  diary 
of  the  week,  love  ;  I  preserve  it  for  any  of  my  young  friends  who  are 
in  a  hurry  to  marry. 

"Monday". — Charles,  while  shaving,  rested  his  left  band  heavily  on 
the  dressing-table.  It  smashed  under  bis  hand,  he  cut  himself  severely, 
and  it  was  a  mercy  he  didn't  have  his  dear  nose  cut  off.  I  flew  to  the 
drawers  for  something  to  stop  the  bleeding,  and  the  keys  broke  or  the 
locks  wouldn't  work,  and  we  bad  to  open  the  drawers  with  the  shovel. 
The  hay,  with  which  the  easy  chair  was  stuffed,  smelt  so  disagreeably 
that  we  were  obliged  to  send  it  out  of  the  room,  and,  as  Ann  was  car- 


198  THE    BOOK    OF 

rying  it,  the  chair  came  in  halves,  the  back  and  halves  falling  away 
from  the  seat. 

"  Tuesday. — The  frame  of  the  looking-glass  gave  way,  the  glass  fell 
out,  and  smashed  the  beautiful  little  French  clock  dear  uncle  Brooks 
gave  us. 

"Wednesday.— I  had  a  head-ache,  so  Charles  wheeled  the  sofa 
near  the  fire  for  me.  Doing  so,  two  of  the  legs  came  off.  He  propped 
it  up  with  books,  but,  by-and-by,  I  heard  a  sort  of  frizzling;  it  was 
the  jrlue,  which  the  fire  was  frying.  Hastily  removing  the  sofa,  we 
divided  it  between  us  Charles  fell  down  with  the  end,  and  I  got  the 
back  on  my  poor  toes. 

"Thursday. — The  dininir-rocm  table  suddenly  parted  in  the  middle. 
The  lamp  fell  on  Charles's  head  (making  him  swear  sadly),  and  I  re- 
ceived a  lovely  goose,  and  all  the  gravy,  into  the  lap  of  my  new  satin 
dress.  That  night,  the  screws  of  the  bed  slipped  in  the  rotten  wood1, 
and  one  side  gave  way.  We  came  to  the  floor ;  I  was  sadly  bruised, 
and  Charles  hurt  his  head,  and  used  very  strong  language  against  the 
advertising  wretches. 

"FRIDAY. — One  of  the  brackets  of  the  curtain  rod  broke,  the  cur- 
tains, rings  and  all  came  on  mamma's  head,  crushing  her  new  bonnet. 
Getting  on  a  footstool  to  dust  a  picture,  the  stool  broke,  and  I  fell 
against  the  picture,  breaking  the  glass,  and  cutting  my  forehead.  The 
pole  of  a  music  desk  came  out  of  the  stand,  the  candles  fell  and  greased 
the  carpet  (which  was  actually  beginning  to  lose  its  colour  already,) 
and  the  book  smashed  Charles's  violoncello.  N.B. — Not  so  sorry 
about  this  last. 

"Saturday. — Moved  into  furnished  lodgings,  where  we  stayed 
until  we  could  afford  to  deal  with  a  respectable  upholsterer." 


EPITAPH 

ON    A    COMPOSITOR. 

No  more  shall  copy  bad  perplex  my  brain, 

No  more  shall  type's  small  face  my  eyeballs  strain; 

No  more  the  proofs  fond  page  create  me  troubles 

By  errors,  transpositions,  outs,  and  doubles; 

No  more  my  back  shall  ache  from  authors'  whims, 

At  over-runnings,  driving  nuts,  and  ins, 

mrly pressman' 8  frown  I  now  may  scoff, 
Revis'd,  corrected,  finally  wrought  off. 


\  &BA80N  FOB  NOT  LlKING  STEPFATHERS. — A  little  fellow 
once  observed,  '  I  do  not  like  these  new  papus ;  they  whip  the  old 
papa's  children.' 


FUN    AND   AMUSEMENT.  199 

At  the  time  when  the  beautiful  picture  of  the  '  Court  of  Death,' 
was  exhibited  in  Boston,  says  the  Herald  of  that  city,  the  painter 
sent  the  late  Dr.  Osgood  a  ticket,  on  which  was  written,  •  Admit 
the  hearer  to  the  Court  of  Death.'  The  old  gentleman,  having 
never  heard  of  the  picture,  was  utterly  confounded.  '1  expected 
to  go  before  long,'  said  he,  '  but  1  was  nut  prepared  for  so  abrupt 


a  summons.' 


A  SNUFFY  FUNERAL. 

The  following  copy  of  the  will  of  Mrs.  Margaret  Thompson,  who 
died  April  2nd,  17?(i,  at  her  house  in  Boyle-street,  Burlington  Gardens, 
affords  a  notable  specimen  of  the  ruling  passion  strong-  in  death  : — 

"  In  the  name  of  C4od,  Amen,  f ,  Margaret  Thompson,  &c.,  being  of 
sound  mind,  &c,  do  desire  that  when  my  soul  is  departed  from  this 
world,  my  body  and  effects  may  be  disposed  of  in  the  manner  following: 
I  idso  desire  that  all  my  handkerchiefs,  that  I  may  leave  unwashed  at 
the  time  of  my  decease,  after  they  bave  been  got  together  by  my  old 
and  trusty  servant,  Sarah  Stuart,  be  put  by  her,  and  by  her  alone,  at 
the  bottom  of  my  coffin,  which  I  desire  may  be  made  large  enough  for 
that  purpose,  together  with  such  a  quantity  of  the  best  Scotch  snuff, 
(in  which  she  knoweth  I  always  had  the  greatest  delight,)  as  will  cover 
my  deceased  body  ;  and  this  I  desire  the  more  especially  as  it  is  usual 
to  put  flowers  into  the  coffins  of  their  departed  friends,  and  nothing 
can  be  so  fragrant  and  refreshing  to  me  as  that  precious  powder.  But 
I  strictly  charge  that  no  man  be  suffered  to  approach  my  body  till  the 
coffin  is  closed,  and  it  is  necessary  to  carry  me  to  my  burial,  which  I 
order  in  the  manner  following  :  Six  men  to  be  my  bearers,  who  are  well 
known  to  be  the  greatest  snuff-takers  in  the  parish  of  St.  James's, 
Westminster  ;  instead  of  mourning,  each  to  wear  a  snuff-coloured  bea- 
ver hat,  which  I  desire  may  be  bought  for  that  purpose  and  given  to 
them.  Six  maidens  of  my  old  acquaintance,  viz.,  &c,  to  bear  my  pall, 
each  to  wear  a  proper  hood,  and  to  carry  a  box  tilled  with  the  best 
Scotch  snuff,  to  take  for  their  refreshment  as  they  go  along.  Before 
my  corpse  I  desire  the  minister  may  be  invited  to  walk,  and  to  take  a 
Certain  quantity  of  the  said  snuff,  not  exceeding  one  pound;  to  whom 
also  I  bequeath  five  guineas  on  condition  of  Ids  so  doing-.  And  I  also 
desire  my  old  and  faithful  servant,  Sarah  Stuart,  to  walk  before  the 
corpse,  to  distribute  every  twenty  yards  a  large  handful  of  Scotch  snuff 
to  the  ground,  and  upon  the  crowd  who  may  possibly  follow  me  to  the 
burial  place;  on  which  condition  I  bequeath  her  £20.  And  I  also  de- 
sire that  at  least  two  bushels  of  the  said  snuff  may  be  distributed  at  the 
door  of  my  house  in  Boyle-street." 

She  then  proceeds  to  order  the  time  of  her  burial,  which  is  to  be  at 
twelve  o'clock  at  noon.  She  then  particularizes  her  legacies,  ami  over 
and  above  every  legacy,  she  desires  may  be  given  one  pound  of  good 
Scotch  snuff,  which  she  calls  the  grand  cordial  of  nature. 


200 


THE    BOOK    OF 


'Julius,  is  you  better  dis  morning? 

4  No,  I  was  better  yesterday,  but  i  got  over  it. 

1  Am  der  no  hopes  den  of  your  discovery.' 

'  Discovery  of  what1? 

'Your  discovery  from  the  convalesence  which  fetched  you  on 
your  back.' 

'  Dat  depends,  Mr.  Snow,  altogether  on  de  prognostications 
whicli  amplify  the  disease;  should  they  terminate  fatally  the  doc- 
tor thinks  Julius  is  a  gone  nigger;  should  dey  not  terminate  fa- 
tally he  hopes  dis  colored  individual  die  anoder  time.  J  said  be- 
fore it  all  depends  on  the  prognostics,  and  these  come  so  a  head, 
it  is  hard  telling  wedder  the  nigger  will  discontinue  dis  time  or 
not.' 


SINGULAR  SERMON. 

In  the  fifth  chaper  of  Job,  verse  seventh,  you  will  find  these  words: 
"  Yet  man  is  born  to  trouble,  as  the  sparks  fly  upwards." 

I  shall  divide  this  discourse  and  consider  it  under  the  three  follow- 
ing heads: — 

1st.  Man's  ingress  into  the  world. 
2nd.   Man's  progress  through  tiie  world. 
3rd.   Man's  egress  out  of  the  world. 

And 
1st.  Man's  ingress  into  the  world, 

la  naked  and  bare  ; 
2ndly.    His  progress  through  the  world, 

Is  trouble  and  care  ; 
3rdly.  His  egress  out  of  the  world, 
Is  nobody  knows  where. 
To  conclude, 
If  we  do  well  here,  we  shall  do  well  there, 
I  can  tell  you  no  more,  if  I  preach  a  whole  year 


A  Profitable  Tikieat.— The /W say  thatadenizenofa  certain 
village,  with  whom  he  is  acquainted,  having  had  sanded  sugar  sold 
to  him,  inserted  in  thc  Weekly  Timesthe  following:  '  Notice.— I 
purchased  of  a  grocer  in  this  village  a  quantity  of  sugar,  from 
which  1  obtained  our  pound  of  sand.  If  the  rascal  who  cheated 
me  will  send  to  my  address  seven  pounds  ol good sugar  (Scripture 
measure  of  restitution),  I  will  be  satisfied 1:  if  not  I  shall  expi 
him.'    On  the  following  day,  nine  seven-pound  packages  of  sugar 

were  left  at  his  residence,   from    as   many    different  dealers,  each 

supposing  himst  If  the  intended. 


FU>'  AND  AMUSEMENT.  201 

A  YANKEE  THICK. 

Two  Englishmen,  fresh  from  the  mother  country,  in  travelling 
through  t  he  west  on  horseback,  happened  to  puss  an  evening  at  a  house 
situated  on  the  hanks  of  the  Mississippi  river,  where  they  met  with  a 
Yankee  pedlar  who  had  just  disposed  of  his  stock  of  goods,  and  was 
ready  to  go  to  any  part  of  the  world  where  interest  might  call  him. 
By  shrewd  guesses,  he  soon  found  out  every  thing  in  relation  to  the 
circumstances,  residence,  and  business  of  his  companions,  and  then 
kindly  gave  a  history  of  himself.  lie  no  sooner  announced  himself  as 
a  Yankee,  than  the  strangers,  who  had  often  heard  of  th->  shrewdness 
of  their  character,  were  all  anxiety  that  he  should  play  them  a  Yan- 
kee trick.  This  he  modestly  declined.  They  insisted;  and  offered  to 
give  him  five  dollars  for  a  good  Yankee  trick.  The  money  was  taken 
with  the  promise,  either  to  refund  it,  or  play  a  good  trick  ;  and  mor- 
ning was  selected  as  the  time  for  an  exhibition  of  the  Yankee's  skill. 
Pleased  with  each  other,  they  all  retired  to  bed  in  the  same  apartment ; 
and  when  morning  came,  the  Yankee  rose  up  with  the  first  light, 
gently  dressed  himself  in  the  clothes  of  one  of  the  strangers,  took  a 
pair  of  saddle-hags  to  which  he  had  no  title,  and  quietly  leaving  the 
liouse,  was  observed  to  go  on  hoard  of  a  flat  boat  bound  for  New  Or- 
leans. The  strangers  soon  after  awoke,  and  upon  getting  up  to  dress, 
heheld  the  sad  reality  of  a  Yankee  trick.  Having  much  money  in 
their  saddle-hags,  they  ascertained  which  way  the  Yankee  had  gone; 
and  obtaining  a  small  skiff,  set  out  after  him.  The  skiff  was  light; 
and  moving  rapidly,  an  hour  or  two  brought  it  alongside  of  the  flat 
hoat,  where  sat  the  Yankee  perfectly  composed,  in  quiet  possession  of 
their  clothes  and  saddle  bags.  With  much  apparent  pleasure  he  arose, 
inquired  after  their  healths,  and  asked  how  they  were  pleased  with  the 
trick.  The  idea  that  they  then  had  of  the  Yankee  is  left  to  the  ima- 
gination of  the  reader.  However,  he  soon  delivered  their  saddle-hags, 
which  had  not  been  opened,  and  exchanged  clothes.  The  strangers, 
having  deposited  their  saddle-hags  in  the  skill',  very  mucli  dissatisfied, 
were  about  to  leave,  when  the  Yankee  insisted  upon  their  taking  a 
parting  glass  together;  and,  while  drinking,  lie  stepped  back,  jumped 
into  the  skiff,  and  pushed  off.  Amid  the  execrations  of  the  crew,  he 
plied  his  paddle,  and  the  skiff  darted  away  from  the  flat  hoat.  Going 
up  stream,  pursuit  with  the  fiat  boat  was"  useless.  He  was  observed 
to  land  on  the  Arkansas  shore,  where  there  is  little  doubt  he  speedily 
doubled  the  money  thus  obtained. 


A  Strong  Prescription. — An  alderman  once  called  on  Dr. 
Francis,  when  the  following  dialogue  took  place : — '  Doctor,  I  have 
a  strong  tendency  to  gout;  what  shall  I  do  to  arrest  it?'  'Take 
a  bucket  of  water  and  a  ton  oi' anthracite,  three  times  a  week.' — 
'How?'— 'Drink  the  former,  and  cany  the  latter  up  three  pair  of 
stairs.' 


202  THE   BOOK   OP 

'My  brethren,'  said  Swift  in  a  sermon,  'there  are  three  sorts  of 
pride — of  birth,  of  riches,  and  of  talents.  I  shall  not  now  speak  of 
the  latter,  none  of  you  being  liable  to  that  abominable  vice.' 


The  Evil  Eye.— A  well-known  maiden  lady,  in  the  Tenessee 
listrict,  returning  home  one  evening  from  a  ball,  accidentally  drop- 
ped one  of  her  eyes,  which  was  a  false  one.  The  next  morning 
the  town-crier  was  heard, '  in  full  cry,'  and  the  goodly  citizens  were 
thus  highly  edified  :  'Oh,  yes!  oh,  yes!  lost,  stole,  or  strayed,  a 
high  !  a  high  !  Whosumhever  nose  any  thing  about  it,  please  to 
bring  it  ear,  &c.     Ring  de  ding,  Ring  de  ding.'' 


Dining  with  the  President.— Colonel  Crockett  gives  the  fol- 
lowing account  of  bis  dining  with  the  President : — "  Well,  I  walked 
all  round  the  long  table,  looking  for  something  that  I  liked.  At 
last  I  took  my  seat  just  beside  a  fat  goose,  and  I  helped  myself  to 
as  much  of  it  as  I  wanted.  But  I  hadn't  took  three  bites,  when  I 
looked  away,  up  the  table,  at  a  man  they  called  Task  (attache.) 
He  was  talking  French  to  a  woman  on  t'other  side  of  the  table. 
He  dodged  his  head,  and  she  dodged  hers,  and  then  they  got  to 
drinking  wine  across  the  table.  But  when  I  looked  back  again, 
my  plate  was  gone,  goose  and  all.  So  I  jist  cast  my  eyes  down 
to  t'other  end  of  the  table,  and  sure  enough,  I  seed  a  white  man 
walking  off  with  my  plate.  I  says,  '  Hello,  Mister,  bring  back  my 
plate.'  He  fetched  it  back  in  a  hurry,  as  you  may  think ;  and 
when  he  set  it  down  before  me,  how  do  you  think  it  was?  Licked 
as  clean  as  my  hand.  If  it  wasn't  I  wish  I  may  be  shot.  Says 
he, 'What  will  you  have,  sir  ?'  And  says  I,  'You  may  well  say 
that,  after  stealing  my  goose.'  And  he  began  to  laugh.  'Then, 
says  I, 'Mister,  laugh  if  you  please;  but  1  don't  half  like  such 
tricks  upon  travellers.'  I  then  filled  my  plate  with  bacon  and  greens; 
and  whenever  I  looked  up  or  down  the  table,  1  held  on  to  my  plate 
with  my  left  hand.  When  we  were  all  done  eating,  they  cleared 
every  tiling  off  the  table,  and  took  away  the  table-cloth.  And  what 
do  you  think?  There  was  another  cloth  under  it.  If  there  wasn't 
I  wish  I  may  be  shot.  Then  1  saw  a  man  coming  along,  carrying 
a  great  ;_;lass  thing,  with  a  glass  handle  below,  something  like  a 
cat)  dies  tick.  It  was  stuck  full  of  little  glass  cups,  with  something 
in  them  that  looked  good  to  eat.  Says  I, 'Mister,  bring  that  thing 
here!'  Thinks  I,  let's  taste  them  first.  They  were  everlasting 
sweet,  and  mighty  good)  so  I  look  a  dozen  of  cm.  If  I  didn't,  1 
wish  I  may  be  shot.' 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  203 

A  Lucky  Epigram.— Mr.  James  Smith,  one  of  the  authors  of 
Rejected  Addresses,  was  once  well  paid  lor  a  trifling  execution  of 
his  muse  ;  for  having  met  at  a  dinner- party  the  late  Mr.  Strahan, 
the  king's  printer,  then  suffering  from  gout  and  old  age,  though 
his  faculties  remained  unimpaired,  he  sent  him  next  morning  the 
following  jeu  d' esprit : — 

Your  lower  limbs  seemed  far  from  stout 

When  last  I  saw  you  walk ; 

The  cause  I  presently  found  out 

When  you  began  to  talk. 

The  power  that  props  the  body's  length, 

In  due  proportion  spread, 

In  you  mounts  upwards,  and  the  strength 

All  settles  in  the  head. 

Mr.  Strahan  was  so  much  gratified  by  the  compliment,  that  he 
made  an  immediate  codicil  to  his  will,  by  which  he  bequeathed  to 
the  writer  the  sum  of  three  thousand  pounds. 


The  Gtlliet  Mr.  Smith. — '  What  a  quiet  man  your  husband  is, 
Mrs.  Smith!' — 'Quiet!  a  snail  is  an  express  train  to  him!  If  the 
top  of  this  house  should  blow  off,  he'd  just  sit  still  and  spread  his 
umbrella.  He's  a  regular  pussy-cat ;  comes  into  the  front  door  as 
though  the  entry  was  paved  with  eggs,  and  sits  down  in  his  chair 
as  if  there  was  a  uest  of  kittens  under  the  cushion.  He'll  be  the 
death  of  me  yet.  1  read  him  all  the  horrid  accidents,  dreadful 
collisions,  murders,  and  explosions,  and  he  takes  it  just  as  easy  as 
if  I  was  saying  the  ten  commandments.  He  is  never  astonished, 
or  startled,  or  delighted.  If  a  cannon  hall  should  come  through 
that  window,  he  wouldn't  move  an  eyelash.  If  I  should  make  the 
voyage  of  the  world,  and  return  some  fine  day,  he'd  take  off  his 
spectacles,  put  them  in  the  case,  fold  up  the  newspaper,  and  settle 
his  dickey,  before  he'd  he  ready  to  say,  '  Good  morning,  Mrs. 
Smith.'  If  he'd  been  born  of  a  poppy  he  couldn't  be  more  sopo- 
rific. I  wonder  if  all  the  Smiths  are  like  him.  When  Adam  got 
tired  of  naming  his  numerous  descendants,  he  said,  'Let  all  the 
rest  be  called  Smith !'  Well,  I  don't  care  for  that,  but  he  ought  to 
have  known  better  than  to  call  my  husband  Abel  Smith.  Do  you 
suppose,  if  I  were  a  man,  I  would  let  a  woman  support  me  ?  Where 
do  you  think  Abel's  coats  and  cravats  and  canes  and  cigars  come 
from  ?  Out  of  my  brain  !  '  Quiet !' — it's  perfectly  refreshing  to  me 
to  hear  of  a  comet,  or  see  a  locomotive,  or  look  at  a  streak  of  chain 
lightning  !  I  tell  you  be  is  the  expressed  essence  of  chloroform  '' 


SOi  THE    1SOOK    OF 

i  Gvardt&an's  Compliment.— Mrs.  Flowerdale  bad  been  a 

pn  ii \  gin, and  was  h  pretty  woman  still,  when,  altera  long  absence 
Captain  Sparkler  of  the  Guards  called  upon  her.  'What  an  age 
since  we  met !'  she  exclaimed  as  he  entered.  'Twelve  years,'  re- 
plied the  gallant  soldier,  'by  the  almanac,  but  only  yesterday  by 
your  looks!'  The  lady  was  more  convinced  than  ever  'that  none 
but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair.' 


A  Stock  Sermon. — A  young  man  on  the  eve  of  going  out  to 
Australia  heard  his  father  preach  a  sermon  from  the  text,  'Adam, 
where  art  thou  ?'  On  his  return  after  a  long  absence,  he  went  on 
the  first  Sunday,  as  was  but  proper,  to  his  father's  church,  when 
the  old  gentleman  read  out  the  same  text,' Adam,  where  art  thou  ? 
'Mother,'  said  the  son,  who  was  somewhat  of  a  wag,  'Has  my  la- 
ther not  found  Adam  yet  ?' 


Ice.— Iu  some  hot  countries,  to  which  ice  is  sent,  it  is  consider- 
ed as  a  great  luxury.  An  African  journal  relates,  that  a  gentle- 
man who  had  purchased  some  lumps  of  it,  sent  it  to  his  cook,  with 
orders  to  have  it  sent  up  for  dinner.  The  cook  was  at  a  loss  what 
to  do  with  it ;  but  as  he  had  a  pot  of  boiling  water  over  the  fire, 
he  dropped  the  ice  into  it.  At  the  dinner-table,  the  master  said, 
when  the  dessert  was  ready  :  '  Fiw  fetch  on  the  ice.'  '  All  gone, 
massa.'  'Gone!  where  is  it  gMie  to  ?'  '  Why,  massa,  me  put  it 
in  the  pot  to  boil,  and  when  me  look  for  it,  it  wasn't  there !'  The 
poor  fellow  had  a  bottle  thrown  at  his  head  for  his  bluuder. 


The  amusing  performances  of  some  of  the  lucky  '  Australian  dig- 
gers,1 who  never  possessed  property  before,  is  scarcely  credible. 
The  best  story  we  have  heard  is  of  a  digger  who  came  down  with 
£700,  and  paid  a  man  8s.  a  day  as  his  companion  to  help  him  to 
spend  it. 


If  a  woman  don't  want  her  hair  to  fall  out,  she  should  be  care- 
ful and  not '  fall  out'  with  her  husband,  the  more  especially  if  he 
wears  red  hair,  ami  keeps  possession  "fa  sanguinary  temperament 


A  minister  at  a  camp  meeting  said,'  If  the  lady  with  the  blue 
hat,  red  hair,  ami  cross  eves,  don't  stop  talking,  she  will  be  point- 
ed out  to  the  congregation.' 


fctJN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  205 

VAT  YOU  PLEASE. 

Two  Frenchmen  once  to  England's  isle  came  over, 
Half  etarv'd,  but  ton  jours  gai, 
(No  weasels  e'er  were  thinner) 
Trug'd  up  to  town  from  Dover, 

Their  slender  store  exhausted  on  the  way, 
Extremely  puzzled  how  to  get  a  dinner '. 

'Twas  morn,  and  from  each  ruddy  chimney  top 
The  dun  smoke-wreaths  were  slowly  curling1 ! 

Each  house-maid,  cherry-cheek'd,  her  snow  white-mop 
Before  the  door  was  gaily  twirling. 

From  morn  till  noon,  from  noon  till  dewy  eve, 
Our  Frenchmen  wander'd  on  their  expedition; 

Great  w;is  their  need,  but  sorely  did  they  grieve, 
Stomach  and  pocket  in  the  same  condition. 

At  length,  by  mutual  consent  they  parted 

And  different  ways  on  the  same  errand  started. 

This  happened  on  a  day  .nost  dear 

To  epicures,  when  gen'rai  use 

Sanctions  the  roasting  of  the  savoury  goose! — 
Towards  night,  one  Frenchman,  at  a  tavern  near, 
Stopp'd,  and  beheld  the  glorious  cheer: 
While  greedily  he  snuff  d  the  luscious  gale  in, 
That  from  the  kitchen  windows  was  exhaling, 
He  instant  set  to  work  his  busy  brain, 
And  sniff  d  and  long'd,  and  long'd  and  sniff' d  again, 

Necessity's  the  mother  of  invention 

(A  proverb  I've  heard  many  mention) ; 
So  now,  one  moment  saw  his  plan  completed, 
And  our  sly  Frenchman  at  a  table  seated. 
The  ready  waiter  at  his  elbow  stands — 
'Sir,  will  you  favour  me  with  your  commands? 
We've  roast  and  boil'd,  sir,  choose  you  those  or  these?* 
'  Sare !  you're  very  good,  sare  ' — Vat  you  please  !' 

Quick  at  the  word, 
Upon  the  table  smokes  the  wish'd-for  bird ! 
No  time  in  talking  did  he  waste, 
But  pounced  peii-meli  upon  it; 
Drumstick  and  merry-thought  he  pick'd  in  haste, 
Exulting-  in  the  *  merry  thought'  that  won  it ! 
Pie  follows  goose,  and  after  pie  comes  cheese  : — 
'  Stilton,  or  Cheshire,  sir'.'' — '  Ah,  vat  you  please!' 

And  now  our  Frenchman,  having  ta'en  his  till, 
Prepar'd  to  go,  when — '  Sir,  your  little  bill !' 


206  THE   BOOK  OF 

'Ah,  vat  you're  Bill*,  veil,  Mr.  Bill,  good  day! 
Bon  jour,  good  Villiam  !' — 'No  sir,  stay; 
My  name  is  Tom,  sir,  you've  this  bill  to  pay.' 

'  Pay  ! — Pay  ? — mafoi  I 
I  call  for  nothing-,  sure — pardonnez  moil 
You  bring  me  vat  you  call  your  goose,  your  cheese, 
You  ask-a  me  to  eat — I  tell  you,  Vat  you  please!* 

Down  came  the  master,  each  explained  the  case, 
The  one  with  cursing,  the  other  with  grimace; 

But  Boniface,  who  dearly  loved  a  jest, 
(Altho'  sometimes  he  dearly  paid  for  it, 

And  finding  nothing  could  be  done  you  know, 

For  when  a  man  has  got  no  money, 

To  make  him  pay  some  would  be  rather  funny !) 
Of  a  bad  bargain  made  the  best, 
Acknowledg'd  much  was  to  be  said  for  it ; 
Took  pity  on  the  Frenchman's  meagre  face, 

And,  Briton-like,  forgave  a  fallen  foe, 

Laughed  heartily,  and  let  him  go! 

Our  Frenchman's  hunger  thus  subdued, 
Away  he  trotted  in  a  merry  mood  ; 
When,  turning  round  the  corner  of  a  street, 
Who  but  his  countryman  he  chanc'd  to  meet! 

To  him,  with  many  a  shrug  and  many  a  grin, 
lie  told  how  he  had  taken  Jean  Bull  in  ! 
Fired  with  the  tale,  the  other  licks  his  chops, 
Makes  his  congee,  and  seeks  this  shop  of  shops. 
Ent'ring,  he  seats  himself  just  at  his  ease — 
'  What  will  you  take,  sir  I — '  Vat  you  please!' 

The  waiter  looked  as  pale  as  Paris  plaster, 
And,  up  stairs  running,  thus  address'd  his  master: — 
'  These  French  Mounseers  came  over,  sure,  in  pairs: 
Sir,  there's  another  'Vat  you  please'  down  stairs!' 

This  made  the  landlord  rather  crusty, 

Too  much  of  one  thing — the  proverb's  something  musty 

Once  to  be  'done,'  his  anger  didn't  touch, 

But  when  a  second  time  they  tried  the  treason, 
It  mode  him  'crusty,'  sir,  and  with  good  n  ason  : — 

You  would  be  '  crusty,'  were  you  'done'  so  much. 

There  is  a  kind  of  instrument 

Which  greatly  helps  a  serious  argument, 
And  which,  when  properly  applied,  occasions 
Some  most  unpleasant  tickling  sensations ! 


PUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  207 

'Twould  make  more  clumsy  folks  than  Frenchmen  skip, 

'Twould  strike  you  presently — a  stout  horse  whip  ! 

This  instrument  our  maitre  d'hote 

Most  carefully  conceal'd  beneath  his  coat — 

And,  seeking  instantly  the  Frenchman's  station, 

Address'd  him  with  the  usual  salutation. 

Our  Frenchman,  bowing  to  his  threadbare  knees, 

(Determin'd  whilst  the  iron's  hot  to  strike  it) ; 
Quick  with  his  lesson  answers — 'Vat  you  please!' 
But  scarcely  had  he  let  the  sentence  slip, 
Than  round  his  shoulders  twines  the  pliant  whip! 

'  Sare,  sare  !  ah,  misericorde !  parbleau! 

Curse  you,  Monsieur!  vat  makes  you  use  me  so? 

Vat  call  you  dis  V — 'Lord,  don't  you  know? 
That's  '  what  I  please,'  (says  Bonny) — how  d  ye  like  it? — 
Your  friend,  although  I  paid  so  dearly  for  his  funning, 
Deserv'd  the  goose  he  gain'd,  sir,  for  his  cunning; 
But  you,  Monsieur,  or  else  my  time  I'm  wasting, 
Are  goose  enough  yourself— and  only  want  a  basting !' 


Sam  Slick's  Illustration  of  Courting.— Courtin'  a  gal,  I 

guess,  is  like  catching  a  young  horse  in  the  pasture.  You  put 
the  oats  in  a  pan,  hide  the  halter,  and  soft-sawder  the  critter  ;  and 
it  comes  up  softly  and  shily  at  first,  and  puts  its  nose  to  the  grain, 
and  gets  a  taste,  stands  oS'and  munches  a  little,  looks  round  to 
see  that  the  coast  is  clear,  and  advances  cautious  again,  ready  for 
a  go,  if  you  are  rough.  Well  you  soft-sawder  it  all  the  time :  so 
— so,  pet,  pet!  that's  a  pretty  doll,  and  it  gets  to  a  kind  a  like  it, 
and  comes  closer,  and  you  think  you  have  it,  make  a  grab  at  its 
mane,  and  it  tips  head  and  tail,  snorts,  wheels  short  round,  lets 
go  both  hind  feet  at  you,  and  off  like  a  shot.  That  comes  of  being 
in  a  hurry.  Now  if  you  put  your  hand  up  slowly  towards  its 
shoulder,  and  felt  along  the  neck  for  the  mane,  it  might  perhaps 
have  drawed  away,  as  much  as  to  say, '  Hands  off,  if  you  please ; 
1  like  your  oats,  hut  I  don't  want  you !'  the  chance  is  you  would 
hue  caught  it.  Well,  what's  your  play  now  you  have  missed  it  ? 
Why  you  don't  give  chase,  for  that  only  scares  a  critter;  but  you 
stand  still,  shake  the  oats  in  the  pan,  and  say, '  Cope,  cope,  cope!' 
and  it  stops,  looks  at  you,  and  comes  up  again,  awful  skittish, 
stretches  its  neck  out  ever'  so  far,  steals  a  few  grains,  and  then 
keeps  a  respectful  distance.  Now  what  do  you  do,  then  ?  Why, 
shake  the  pan  and  move  slowly,  as  if  you  were  going  to  leave  the 
pasture,  and  make  for  home  ;  when  it  repents  of  bein'  so  distrust 
Jul,  comes  up,  and  you  slips  the  halter  on. 


203  1HE   BOOK   OF 

THE  DEAD  ALIVE. 

Some  hypochondriacs  have  fancied  themselves  miserably  afflicted, 
some  in  one  way,  and  some  in  another.  Some  have  insisted  that  they 
were  teapots,  and  some  that  they  were  town  clocks  ;  one  that  he  was 
extremely  ill,  and  another  that  he  was  actiuilly  dying1.  But  perhaps 
none  of  this  blue  devil  class  ever  matched  in  extravagance  a  patient 
of  the  late  Dr.  Stevenson  of  Baltimore. 

This  hypochondriac,  after  ringing  the  change  of  every  mad  conceit 
that  ever  tormented  a  crazy  brain,  would  have  it  at  last  that  he  was 
dead,  actually  dead.  Dr.  Stevenson  having  been  sent  for  one  morn- 
ing in  great  haste,  by  the  wife  of  his  patient,  hastened  to  his  bedside, 
where  he  found  him  stretched  out  at  full  length,  his  hands  across  hie 
breast,  his  toes  in  contact,  iris  eyes  and  mouth  closely  shut,  and  his 
looks  cadaverous. 

'Well,  Sir,  how  do  you  do?  how  do  you  do  this  morning?'  asked 
Dr.  Stevenson  in  a  jocular  way,  approaching  the  bed.  '  How  do  1  do  !' 
replied  the  hypochondriac  faintly;  'a  pretty  question  to  ask  a  dead 
man.'  '  Dead !' replied  the  Doctor.  'Yes,  sir,  dead,  quite  dead.  I 
died  last  night  about  twelve  o'clock.' 

Dr.  Stevenson  putting  his  hand  gently  on  the  forehead  of  the  hypo- 
chondriac, as  if  to  ascertain  whether  it  was  cold,  and  also  feeling  his 
pulse,  exclaimed  in  a  doleful  note,  'Yes,  the  poor  man  is  dead  enough  ; 
'tis  all  over  with  him,  and  now  the  sooner  he  can  be  buried  the  better.' 
Then  stepping  up  to  his  wife,  and  whispering  to  her  not  to  be  frighten- 
ed at  the  measures  he  was  about  to  take,  he  called  to  the  servant: 
'My  boy,  your  poor  master  is  dead;  and  the  sooner  he  can  be  put  in 
the  ground  the  better.  Run  to  C — m,  for  I  know  he  always  keeps 
New  England  coffins  by  him  ready  made;  and,  do  you  hear,  bring  a 
coffin  of  the  largest  size,  for  your  master  makes  a  stout  corpse,  and 
having  died  last  night,  and  the  weather  being  warm,  lie  will  not  keep 
long.' 

..way  went  the  servant,  and  soon  returned  with  a  proper  coffin. 
The  wife  and  family  having  got  their  lesson  from  the  Doctor,  gathered 
around  him,  and  howled  not  a  little,  while  they  were  putting  him  in 
his  coffin.  Presently  the  pall-bearers,  who  were  quickly  provided  and 
let  into  the  secret,  started  with  the  hypochondriac  for  the  churchyard. 
They  had  nol  pone  for  before  they  met  one  of  the  town  a  people,  who 
having  been  properly  drilled  by  Dr.  Stevenson,  cried  out,  'Ah,  doctor, 
what  poor  soul  have  you  got  there  ." 

'  I'oor  Mr.  B — ,'  sighed  the  doctor,  'left  us  last  night.' 

'Great  pity  he  had  not  left  us  twenty  years  ago,'  replied  the  other; 
'  he  was  ;i  bad  man.' 

Presently  another  of  the  townsmen  mel  them  with  the  same  q 
tion,  'And  what  poor  soul  have  you  got  there,  doctor?' 

•  l' ■  Mr.  H — ,'  answered  the  doctor  again,  'is  dead.' 

'  \h,  indeed!'  said  the  other,  'and  he  is  gone  to  meet  his  i'e-r  i-ti  it 
last-' 


1UN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  209 

'Ob,  villain !'  exclaimed  the  man  in  the  coffin. 

Soon  after  this,  while  the  pall-bearers  were  resting  themselves  near 
the  church-yard,  another  stepped  up  with  the  old  question  again, 
•  What  poor  soul  have  you  got  there,  doctor?' 

'  Poor  Mr.  13 — ,'  lie  replied,  'be  is  gone.' 

'  Yes,  and  to  the  bottomless  pit,'  said  the  other ;  '  for  if  he  is  not 
{rone  there,  I  see  not  what  use  there  is  for  such  a  place.'  Here  the 
dead  man  bursting-  off  the  lid  of  his  coffin,  which  had  been  purposely 
left  loose,  leaped  out,  exclaiming1, '0  you  villain!  I  am  gone  to  the 
bottomless  pit,  am  I?  Well  I  have  come  back  again,  to  pay  such  un- 
grateful rascals  as  you  are  !'  A  chase  immediately  commenced  by  the 
dead  man  after  the  living,  to  the  petrifying-  consternation  of  many  of 
the  spectators,  at  the  sight  of  the  corpse,  in  all  the  honours  of  the 
winding  sheet,  running-  through  the  streets.  After  having-  exercised 
bimself  into  a  copious  perspiration  by  the  fantastic  race,  the  hypochon- 
driac was  brought  home  by  Dr.  Stevenson  ;  freed  from  all  his  com- 
plaints ;  and  by  strengthening-  food,  generous  wine,  cheerful  company, 
and  moderate  exercise,  was  soon  restored  to  perfect  health. 


MAKING  A  SHIFT. 

A  Mrs.  Kelly,  of  Saffron  hill,  London,  lately  gave  her  female  servant 
in  custody  to  a  police  officer,  who  took  her  before  a  magistrate,  on  a 
charge  of  having  stolen  a  sheet  off  the  bed  on  which  she  lay,  and  of 
having  made  it  into  a  shift  for  herself.  The  magistrate  asked  the  pri- 
soner what  she  had  to  say  to  the  charge  against  her,  who  answered  as 
follows : — '  Yesterday  morning  my  mistress  says  to  me,  Sally,  go  and 
bring  down  one  of  the  sheets  off  your  bed  to  be  washed,  and  make  a 
shift  with  the  other ;  I  says,  thank  you  ma'am,  and  went  up  and 
brought  one  sheet  to  the  washer-woman,  and  being  much  distressed  for 
a  shift,  I  sat  up  all  night  and  made  myself  a  shift  of  the  other  sheet. 
In  the  morning,  my  mistress  says  to  me  again,  Sally,  bring  down  your 
other  sheet  to  be  washed.  I  told  her  I  had  made  it  into  a  shift,  as  she 
desired  me,  on  which  she  got  into  such  a  passion  that  she  called  me  a 
thief,  and  sent  for  an  officer,  and  had  me  brought  before  your  worship.' 
The  manner  of  her  telling  the  story,  and  mistaking  her  mistress's 
order,  whether  intended  or  accidental,  caused  much  mirth. — The  wor- 
thy magistrate  advised  the  prosecutrix  to  try  to  settle  it  with  the  pri- 
soner, to  which  she  consented,  and  the  prisoner  was  discharged.  The 
parties  afterwards  retired  home  together  good  friends. 


EPIGRAM. 

Whether  tall  men  or  short  men  are  best 
Or  bold  men,  or  modest,  and  shy  men, 

I  can't  say,  but  I  this  can  protest, 
All  the  fair  are  in  favour  of  lly-men. 

N 


210  THE  BOOK  OF 

THE  WORLD'S  A  TUNE. 

There  was  a  bard  in  a  former  age 
Compared  the  world  to  a  player's  stage, 

And  most  folks  think  he  hit  it ; 
But  I  believe,  and  I  may  be  right, 
The  world's  a  tune  that  we  sing  at  sight, 

We  learn  it — to  forget  it. 

We  all  are  notes  in  a  different  key, 

Some  flats ,  some  sharps,  some  naturals  be, 

Some  quicker,  and  some  slower! 
Like  Handel's,  some  are  full  of  grace — 
Like  Pleydel'S,  some  are  thorough  bass — 

Some  higher,  and  some  lower. 

In  life's  short  tune  what  airs  we  find, 
Bold,  cheerful,  gloomy,  dull,  refin'd, 

In  full  symphoniale  ; 
Our  time  is  quick,  and  soon  we  close, 
We  beat  away  without  a  pause, 

Till  death  sings  the  finale. 

The  world,  I  own,  has  ties  most  sweet, 
Yet  many  a  bar  and  slur  we  meet, 

Though  very  much  we  fear  them ; 
Some  men  can  nought  but  discords  trill, 
With  some  the  world  sings  counter  still, 

Nor  gives  one  note  to  cheer  them. 

The  pitch-fork  tunes  the  farmer's  voice, 
The  sack-but  is  the  miller's  choice  ; 

And  all  men's  the  viola  ; 
The  maiden  plays  the  flageolet, 
While  married  folks  sing  a  duett, 

And  bachelors  a  solo. 


Blackburn  Dick.— A  pour  idiot  well  known  by  the  name  of 
Blackburn  Dick,  was  walking  at  his  usual  slow  pace  through 
Blackburn  streets,  when  he  had  the  good  fortune  to  pick  up  a  shil- 
ling. A  man  who  was  close  in  the  rear,  and  observing  poor  Dicks 
prize,  tapped  bim  on  the  shoulder,  at  the  same  time  demanding 
the  shilling,  saying  that  he  bad  just  lost  it.  Dick  turned  round 
wiili  a  presence  of  mind  Beldom  equalled  by  those  possessing  their 
intellectual  faculties, and  asked,  lJJez  thoineahoil  through?'— 
'Yes,'  said  the  man. — ' Then,'  says  Dick,  'this  it  nin  o'  ihoine; 
for  ii  hezn't  «  hail  in.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  211 

THE  DANGER  OF  MUSICAL  TITLES. 

A  Lady  of  f;isliion  (the  well-known  Marchioness  of  Finsbury)  had 
been  loitering  for  nearly  an  hour  in  a  fashionable  music-shop.  She 
had  purchased  a  copy  of  nearly  every  piece  of  music  that  had  a  senti- 
mental t i tie-  She  had  sent  out  to  her  carriage  a  whole  Canterbury 
full  of  Love* — going  through  every  mood  of  the  feeling,  past,  present, 
or  future — and  was  following  their  example,  when  she  paused  upon 
the  step,  as  if  meditating  whether  she  should  take  it  or  some  other 
step  that  was  evidently  turning  itself  over  in  her  mind.  The  shopman, 
who  had  been  somewhat  moved  by  the  tender  tone  of  voice  in  which 
she  had  asked  him,  'Wilt  thou  love  me  then  as  now?'  watched  her 
with  an  anxiety  that  betrayed  itself  too  plainly  in  the  adjustment  of 
his  shirt  collar  and  the  arrangement  of  his  hair.  Suddenly  the  mar- 
chioness seemed  resolved.  As  with  one  bound  she  cleared  the  pave- 
ment, and  breathless,  pale,  her  auburn  ringlets  fluttering  in  the  wind, 
stood  once  more  before  the  admiring  shopman. 

'I  had  nearly  forgotten,'  she  said,  in  a  voice  that  seemed  to  veil  her 
blushing  words  ;  'dear!  dear!  1  cannot  tell  where  my  head  is  to-day  ! 
I  have  come  back  to  ask  you  if  by  chance' — here  she  paused,  as  if  to 
take  new  courage,  whilst  the  trembling  shopman  posted  his  two  thumbs 
elegantly  on  the  mahogany  counter,  and  leant  his  body  inquiringly 
forward — 'to  ask  you  to  be  kind  enough  to  give  me  'one  kiss  before 
parting  V 

'  M-a-a-a-a-d-a-m  !'  exclaimed  the  astonished  shopman. 

'I  want  you,'  repeated  the  marchioness,  'to  let  me  have  one  kiss 
before  parting — one  will  do,  if  you  please.' 

She  raised  her  beautiful  blue  eyes  full  upon  his,  and  met  them  boldly 
and  unblushingly.  She  then,  without  betraying  any  emotion,  repeated 
her  question,  adding,  as  calmly  as  possible :  '  If  you  cannot  give  it  me 
now,  I  will  call  some  other  time.' 

He  could  doubt  no  longer !  Springing  over  the  counter,  he  seized 
hold  of  the  marchioness's  fair  form,  and  then  and  there  gave  the  kiss 
she  so  earnestly  begged  for  previous  to  departure.  To  his  great  as- 
tonishment, the  only  return  the  marchioness  gave  was  to  give  him  a 
box  on  the  ears.  This  was  followed  by  a  volley  of  blows  dealt  by  her 
parasol  over  his  head,  which  was  accompanied  with  an  equal  number 
of  shrieks,  that  never  terminated  till  the  police  came  into  the  shop. 

The  affair  was  carried  to  Bow  Street,  but  was  soon  dismissed,  upon 
its  being  explained  that  'One  kiss  before  parting,'  was  the  name  of  a 
song,  which  the  unsophisticated  shopman,  blissfully  green  from  his 
native  fields,  had  never  heard  of  before.  It  was  a  favourite  joke  with 
the  Old  Duke  to  ask  the  marchioness,  whenever  she  was  at  the  piano, 
if  she  would  mind  giving  him  just '  One  kiss  before  parting.' 


Bother. — The  word  Bother  was  first  used  by  a  Serjeant,  who, 
being  exposed  to  the  volubility  of  two  Irishmen,  one  at  each  ear, 
cried, '  Don't  both  car  me !'     Hence  the  word  to  bother. 


212  THE   BOOK   OF 

T'  PARSON  AH"  POSMT; 

BEIN  AN  OWD  TALE   MENDAD  ABIT. 

Yol  understand,  at  thear  wor  a  parson  wunce  whent  throo  hoame, 
fi  sum  Taan  or  anuther,  abaght  three  mile  off  where  he  liv'd ;  but  hav 
Bich  an  a  bad  memory,  av  quite  fogattan  t'name  at  spot  nali ;  but  am- 
sumivver,  before  he  set  oif,  he  heard  hiz  wife  say  ta  wun  at  sarvant 
lassas,  at  shoo  wantad  a  two  gallan  iran  posnit,  varry  badly,  so  when 
id  gottan  to  hiz  jurney-end,  an  wor  e  waukin  daan  wun  at  streets,  he 
saw  a  chap  peark't  on  a  raand  table,  sellin  a  lot  a  posnits  be  auction , 
an  when  he  gat  up  to  him,  thear  wor  an  owd  womman  just  biddin 
eighteenpence  for  wun,  the  vary  size  he  wanted,  so  they  nodad  an 
bidad  wun  agean't  tuther,  for  noabdy  naws  hah  long,  till  at  last  t  owd 
womman  gav  in,  an  daan  it  wor  knock't  tut  Parson,  for  two  and  tup- 
pence. After  payin  for  it,  he  samd  houd  at  steil,  an  away  he  whent, 
carryin  it  furst  e  wun  hand,  and  then  it  tuther,  for  it  wor  a  rare  weight, 
yo  mind. 

After  waukin  abaght  a  mile  a  that  fasbans,  hiz  shoolders  aikt  ta  that 
degree,  he  cuddant  bide  ardly,  so  he  off  we  hiz  hat,  an  carrid  t'posnit 
at  top  of  his  head,  hollow  side  daanads  ;  an  away  he  cut  across  t'cloises, 
az  foaks  muddant  see  him,  for  they  made  sa  much  gam  ;  but  he  hed- 
dant  goan  far,  befoar  he  cum  at  a  wideish  dyke,  an  thear  bein  no  way 
but  ta  jump  it,  he  tacks  a  good  long  start,  an  ovver  he  flew  like  a  steg, 
an  leeting  at  tuther  side,  he  whent  sos  agean,  an  biz  head  beng  intat 
posnit.  Thear  he  tried  ta  get  it  off  agean,  but,  not  soa,  for  it  wor  az 
fast  az  if  it  bed  grown  thear.  An  hall  ta  get  hoame  he  diddant  naw  ; 
but,  amsumivver,  off  he  started,  an  groapt  az  weel  az  he  cud  ;  but  he 
heddent  goan  menny  yards,  befoar  he  gat  t'posnit  steil  fast  in  a  gate  ; — 
thear  he  wor,  potterin  abaght,  an  sweatin  like  a  brock,  for  a  full  clock 
liaar,  tryin  ta  extricate  hizsen.  Haiiivver  az  luck  ad  hav  it,  oa  sud 
cum  bye  but  Bobby  Brushwood,  an  nawin  t' Parson  bitshap  of  his  [e  -, 
sed,  "  Mestur,  wotivver  ar  yo  doin  here  a  this  fashans  ?"  "  Ha  !  iz  that 
yo,  Bobby?"  call'd  aght  tf  Parson,  "am  glad  summadiz  cum — whereiv- 
ver  am  e?  wot  an  a  misfortan  this  is."  "  Wha,  mestur,"  sigh'd  Bob- 
by, "  oaze  dun  it?  caant  yo  get  t'posnit  off?''  "Noa,  Bobby,  my  lad, 
it's  fast  enif,  an  am  affread  it  al  nivver  be  gottan  oil'  na  more  ;  tak  owd 
a  me  hand,  an  lead  ma  hoam."  "  Hey,  an  welcum,"  sed  Bobby,  "  but 
it's  a  varry  bad  job,  mestur,  cos  yol  not  be  able  ta  preich  ta  uz  na  more 
we  this  a  yer  head."     Parson  sed  nowt  ta  this,  but  gav  a  sort  ov  a 

an.  An  when  they  gat  tut  Taangate,  bairns  cum  runnin  e  all  de- 
l'<  ikshans,  ta  see  wot  wor  amiss  ;  sum  sed,  "  Bitha,  sitha,  Hobby's  get- 
tan  a  yung  Elefant ;"  uthers  call'd  aght,  "nay,  it,  izant,  heeze  catoh't 
padfboit."  But  when  tiny  gat  hoam,  worrant  thear  a  bonny  to  do,  all 
t'docktera  raand  abaght,  boath  fur  an  near,  wor  sent  for,  but  they  cud- 
dant do  na  good,  aivver  a  wun  on  em,  for  they  Borew'd  an  pull'd,  an 
t'l'arson  bawkt  aght,  but  it  wor  all  ta  no  use, — thay  cuddant  jret  t'pos- 
nit oil  at  noa  price.  At  last,  Billy  said,  "stop  ah  naw  hah  it's  ta  be 
dun  nab  ;  let's  goa  tut  smithy  ;"  so  away  thay  whont,  reddy  enif,  es- 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  213 

peeially  t'parson,  an  when  tltey  gat  intat  shop,  Bobby  Bed,  "  nab,  mes- 
tur,  lig  yer  head  upat  stithey  ;"  so  he  did  az  he  wor  tell'd  that  minit, 
an't  Blacksmith  tuck  wun  at  bigist  hammers  he  hed  it  place,  an  we  a 
swing-stroke,  brack  t'posnit  inta  a  thaazand  pieces.  My  wurd,  but 
diddant  Parson  look  rare  an  wackan  when  he  saw  dayleet ;  an  hoam 
he  cut  at  a  dog-trot,  lioudiu  boath  hiz  ears,  pleaz'd  enif;  an  Bobby 
after  him,  wit  posnit  steil  in  hiz  hand,  which  he  hez  ta  this  day,  hung 
up  e  thare  hause,  for  antickety's  sake,  an  e  memory  at  event. 


'A  Dead  Sell.'— An  amusing  story  is  tokl  of  a  young  Parisian 
artist,  who  lately  painted  a  portrait  of  a  duchess,  with  which  her 
friends  were  not  satisfied— declaring  that  it  was  totally  unlike. 
The  painter,  however  was  convinced  that  he  had  succeeded  admir- 
ably, and  proposed  that  the  question  of  resemblance  or  no  resem- 
blance be  left  to  a  little  dog  belonging  to  the  duchess,  which  was 
agreed  to.  Accordingly,  the  picture  was  sent  to  the  hotel  of  the 
lady  next  day,  and  a  large  party  assembled  to  witness  the  test. 
The  dog  was  called  in,  and  no  sooner  did  he  see  the  portrait  than 
he  sprang  upon  it,  licked  it  all  over,  and  showed  every  demonstra- 
tion of  the  greatest  joy.  The  triumph  of  the  painter  was  complete, 
and  all  present  insisted  that  the  picture  had  been  re-touched  du- 
ring the  night ;  which  was  actually  so— the  painter  having  rubbed 
it  over  with  a  thin  coating  of  lard  !  The  clog's  nose  was  sharper 
than  the  critic's  eyes. 

A  Love  Scene.— Overheard  and  phonographically  reported  by 
Phrederick  Phinephivn.— 'Pharest  of  the  phair,'  sighed  the  lover, 
'phancy  my  pheelings,  when  I  phorsee  the  phearful  consequences 
of  our  phleeing  phrom  your  phather's  phamily.  Phew  phellows 
could  have  phaced  the  music  with  as  much  phortitute  as  I  have  ; 
and,  as  phickle  phortune  phails  to  smile  on  our  loves,  1  phind  I 
must  phorego  the  pleasure  of  becoming  your  husband.  Pharest 
Phrances,  p'harewell  phor  ever.'  '  Hold,  Phranklin,  hold  !'  screamed 
Phrances, 'I  will  phollow  you  phor  ever.'  But  Phranklin  had 
phled  and  Phrances  phainted. 

A  young  physician  asking  permission  of  a  lass  to  kiss  her,  she 
replied:  'No,  sir;  I  never  like  a  doctor's  bill  stuck  in  my  face.' 

Derivation  of  Bus.— Tokiss.    Rebus— To  kiss  again.    Blun- 

dei'bus — To  kiss  an  old  woman.    Silly-bus— Two  girls  kissing  each 
other.    Omni-bus — To  kiss  all  in  a  room. 


214  THE   BOOK   OP 

WITTICISMS,  &c. 

A  Doctor's  Reason. — A  practitioner  being  asked  by  his  patient 
why  he  put  so  many  ingredients  into  his  prescriptions,  is  said  to 
have  answered,  more  facetiously  than  philosophically,  •  iu  order 
that  the  disease  may  take  which  it  likes  best.' 

Can  such  thincs  be  ? — It  is  said  that  a  'fast'  young  gentle- 
man heats  his  shaving  water  every  morning  with  the  fire  of  his 
own  genius. 

'Jane  what  letter  in  the  alphabet  do  you  like  best?'  'Well  T 
dont  like  to  say,  Mr.  Snobbs.'  '  Pooh,  nonsense  ;  Tell  right  out 
Jane;  which  do  you  like  best?'  'Well  (blushing  and  dropping 
her  eyes),  1  like  U  best.' 

A  lawyer,'  said  Lord  Brougham,  (in  a  facetious  mood) '  is  a  learn- 
ed gentle  man  who  rescues  your  estate  from  your  enemies,  aud  keeps 
it  himself. 

A  Good  Workman  Wanted. —  He  must  be  able  to 'rivet  the 
attention,'  must  understand  how  to  join  'a  broken  rest,'  be  able  to 
*  sharpen  the  understanding ;'  and  to  bring  rambling  arguments 
'  to  the  point.'  Any  '  old  file'  having  a  few  '  wise  saws'  will  prob- 
ably suit.     Persons  bad  at '  vice'  need  not  apply. 

Rabbito  in  Paris. — A  gentleman,  relating  the  incidents  of 
his  travels  while  in  Paris,  says: — '  I  entered  a  restaurant  on  the 
other  side  of  the  Seine,  and  ordered  a  rabbit  I  was  green — ver- 
dant as  the  first  cucumber,  even  as  early  peas— or  1  should  n< >t 
have  done  this.  The  rabbit  came,  and  i  offered  the  Monitevr  to 
an  old  Frenchman  opposite,  whose  eyes  were  fixed  upon  my  plate, 
but  he  bowed  a  negative.  The  bow  puzzled  me.  it  was  too  much. 
'  Monsieur  has  not  been  long  in  Paris.?'  '  No,  1  have  just  arri- 
ved.' 'Monsieur  is  going  to  eat  that?1  'Yes;  may  I  offer  you 
a  .^lice?'  'Monsieur  will  allow  me  to  make  a  small  observation.?' 
inquired  the  Frenchman,  with  a  frightful  grimace.  'Certainly,' 
I  replied,  hi  coming  alarmed.  'Monsieur,  that  rabbit  once  mew- 
ed,' he  replied,  with  the  utmost  gravity.' 


A  Dangerous  Experiment. — Why  is  a  man  ascending  Vesu- 
vius like  an  Irish  tan   trying  to  kiss  a  pretty  girl?   Because  he 

wauls  in  .j(;t  ;ii  the  crater's  mouth. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  215 

Captain  Scott,  in  his  Recollections  of  a  Naval  Life,  relates 
the  following  instance  of  daring  courage  on  the  part  of  a  private 
marine  on  board  the  Blanche,  in  the  action  in  which  that  ship 
captured  La  Gueriere: — "A  remarkably  handsome  young  marine, 
whose  enthusiastic  ardour  led  him  to  mount  the  main  rigging, 
that  he  might  fire  with  more  destructive  effect  on  the  enemy's  deck, 
excited  the  admiration  of  his  shipmates  by  his  gallant  bearing. 
He  maintained  his  exposed  station,  keeping  up  a  constant  fire 
amid  a  shower  of  round  and  grape  shot,  slapping  his  seat  of  honour 
in  derision  of  his  enemies  every  time  he  discharged  his  musket, 
till  an  eighteen  pound  shot  carried  away  the  fleshy  part  of  both 
thighs  and  the  lower  part  of  the  abdomen;  the  brave  fellow  was 
then  assisted  down  by  two  blue  jackets,  exclaiming,  as  he  reached 
the  deck,  that  he  had  at  least  given  them  forty  shots  for  their  one. 
He  survived  this  afflicting  wound  several  days,  and  died  with  the 
same  devoted  feelings  that  had  distinguished  his  conduct  on  the 
day  of  action.:  he  was  universally  regretted  on  board.'' 


Admiral  Duncan. — Admiral  Duncan's  address  to  the  officers 
who  came  on  board  his  ship  for  instructions  previous  to  the  engage- 
ment with  Admiral  de  Winter,  was  both  laconic  and  humorous: 
'  Gentleman,  you  see  a  severe  winter  approaching  ;  1  have  only  to 
advise  you  to  keep  up  a  good  fire.' 


Old  Cock  was  known  as  a  miser,  and  had  amassed  a  large  for- 
tune. 

On  his  death-bed,  when  the  last  gasp  was  approaching  a  tallow 
candle  was  burning  upon  the  stand,  and  a  flickering  ilame  in  the 
li re-place.  He  watched  the  candle  and  then  the  fire.  Suddenly 
he  called  his  son — 

'  Woodbury,  come  here.' 

The  son  approached  his  bedside,  when  the  old  man  whispered. 

'  Woodbury,  blow  out  that  candle  ;  tallow's  most  as  dear  as 
butter.' 


Extensively  Laid  Out. — A  plain  old  father  had  a  son  much 
given  to  the  vanities  of  the  toilet,  and  in  coming  home  in  a  new 
fashion  great  coat,  with  something  less  than  a  score  of  capes,  was 
asked  what  kind  of  thatching  he  had  got  on  his  shoulders. 

'  Capes — only  capes,  father.' 

'  So,  so,'  said  the  old  man,  passing  his  hands  over  them  ;  '  Cape 
Hatteras,  Cape  Henlopen,  I  suppose,  and  here,'  clapping  his 
hand  on  his  head,  '  is  the  Light-house.' 


216  THE   BOOK   OF 

'  I  Lave  very  little  respect  for  the  ties  of  this  world,'  as  the  chap 
said  when  the  rope  was  put  around  his  neck. 

Somebody  stole  a  water-melon  from  a  patch  in  Fitchburg  the 
other  night,  and  left  a  pocket  book  on  the  ground  containing-  five 
hundred  dollars.  The  proprietor  of  the  patch  advertises  that  he 
has  a  few  more  melons  left ! 


A  Wise  Saw. — A  sawyer,  after  sawing  with  a  very  blunt  saw, 
exclaimed  ;  '  Of  all  the  saws  I  ever  saw  saw,  I  never  saw  a  saw 
saw  as  that  saw  saws.' 


'First  class  in  sacred  music,  stand  up.  How  many  kinds  of 
metre  are  there  ?' — '  Three,  sir — long  metre,  short  metre,  and  meet 
her  by  moonlight  alone !' 


CROSS  READINGS. 

The  case  of  Howard  and   Gibbs  came  on — richly  ornamented  in 
bronze  and  or-molu. 

Obstructions  in  the  viscera  removed  by — Ramo  Samee  swallowing  a 
sword  sixteen  inches  long1. 

Excessive  vomiting-  was  quickly  produced  by — the  Time's  paper  du- 
ring- the  late  queen's  trial. 

Murder. — On  Friday,  the  trial  came  on  of — Cain,  a  mystery,  by 
Lord  Byron. 

Mr.  Waithman  then  addressed  the  common-hall— opium  fell  consid- 
erably last  week. 

During  this  awful  ceremony — II  Diavolo  Antonio  exhibited  on  the 
corde  volante. 

The  bull  and  cross  of  St.  Paul's  have  been  often  quoted  as  -a  com- 
fortable retreat  for  ladies  during  their  confinement. 

Wanted,  by  a  footman  out  of  place — six  thousand  pounds,  by  way 
of  annuity. 

The  judge,  then,  thus  addressed  the  prisoner — '  Extinguish  the  Gas, 
give  it  him,  Neate,  go'it,  my  boy.' 

The    witness,   a   watchman,   said   he   had   been   emptying — Lady 
Morgan's  notorious  work  called  Italy. 

Another  melancholy  instance  of  hydrophobia  occurred  in — the  ad- 
dress of  thanks  voted  to  Alderman  AVood,  from  little  Britain. 

When  the  balloon  had  attained  a  considerable  height — the  prisoner 
disposed  of  the  .silk  and  absconded. 

Married,  on  Saturday  last,  Miss  Anq  Jones — she  was  strongly  re- 
commended to  mercy. 

Mr  Jackson  handed  400  sovereigns  to  Neate— who  appeared  per- 
fectly resigned  to  his  i'ule. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  217 

The  most  tender-hearted  man  we  ever  saw  was  a  shoemaker, 
who  always  shut  his  eyes  and  whistled  when  he  ran  his  awl  into  a 
shoe. 


How  to  Make  Love. — If  you  cannot  inspire  a  woman  with 
love  of  you,  fill  her  above  the  brim  with  love  of  herself.  All  that 
runs  over  will  be  yours. 

4  Dear  me !'  exclaimed  Mrs.  Partington,  sorrowfully, '  how  much 
a  man  will  bear,  and  how  far  he  will  go,  to  get  this  soddered  dross, 
as  Parson  Martin  called  it,  when  he  refused  the  beggar  a  sixpence 
for  fear  it  might  lead  him  into  extravagance  !  everybody  is  going 
to  California  and  Chagrin  arter  gold.  Cousin  Jones  and  the  three 
Smiths  have  gone ;  and  Mr.  Chip  the  carpenter  has  left  his  wife, 
and  seven  children,  and  a  blessed  old  mother-in-law,  to  seek  his 
fortin  too.  Tins  is  the  strangest  yet,  and  I  don't  see  how  he  could 
have  done  it ;  it  looks  so  ongrateful  to  treat  heaven's  blessings  so 
lightly.  But  there,  we  are  told  that  the  love  of  money  is  the  root 
of  all  evil,  and  how  true  it  is,  for  they  are  now  rooting  arter  it  like 
pigs  arter  ground  nuts!  Why,  it  is  a  perfect moneymania among 
everybody!'  and  she  shook  her  head  doubtingly  as  she  pensively 
watched  a  small  mug  of  cider  with  an  apple  in  it  simmering  by 
the  winter  fire  ;  she  was  somewhat  fond  of  drink  made  in  this  way. 


If  a  ship  is  of  the  feminine  gender,  why  are  not  fighting  vessels 
called  women-of-war  instead  of  men  of  war  ? — Answer  that,  will 
you? 

'  What  is  the  meaning  of  syntax,  mother  ?'  inquired  a  little  girl. 
— '  It  is  a  tax  on  sin,  and  this  is  the  only  thiug  that  is  not  taxed 
now-a  days !'  was  the  reply. 

A  gentleman  who  has  a  warm  side  for  a  young  lady,  was  making 
fun  of  a  sack  which  she  wore.  '  You  had  better  be  quiet,  or  I'll 
give  you  the  sack,'  replied  the  lady  archly.  '  I  should  be  most  hap- 
py,' was  the  gallant's  response,  '  if  you  would  give  it  to  me  as  it  is, 
with  yourself  inside  of  it  !' 

A  little  lawyer  appearing  as  evidence  in  one  of  the  courts,  was 
asked  by  a  gigantic  counsellor,  what  profession  he  was  of;  and 
having  replied  that  he  was  an  attorney, '  You  a  lawyer  (said  Brief) 
why  1  could  put  you  in  my  pocket.'  '  Very  likely,  you  may,  (re- 
joined the  other)  and  if  you  do,  you  will  have  more  law  in  your 
pocket  than  in  your  head.' 


218  THE   BOOK   OF 

Crowle,  the  Punster.— Once  on  a  circuit  with  Page,  a  person 
asked  him  if  the  Judge  was  just  behind :  he  replied, '  I  don't  know, 
but  I  am  sure  he  was  never  just  before.'  Of  this  wag  Lord  Oxford 
also  tells  the  following  anecdote — that  on  being  reprimanded  ou 
his  knees  by  the  Speaker  of  the  Common's  House,  as  he  rose  from 
the  ground  he  wiped  his  knees  and  said,  •  It  was  the  dirtiest  house 
he  had  ever  been  in. 


Two  gentlemen  standing  together  as  a  young  lady  passed  them, 
one  of  them  said, '  there  goes  the  handsomest  woman  I  ever  saw  !' 
she  hearing,  turned  back,  and  observing  him  to  be  very  ugly,  ans- 
wered, '  I  wish,  sir,  I  could  in  return  say  as  much  of  you.'  '  So 
you  may,  madam,  (says  he)  and  lie  as  I  did.' 


Full  Measure. — A  Quaker  alighting  from  the  Bristol  VV.  S. 
Coach,  on  entering  the  Inn,  called  for  some  Beer  and  observing 
the  pint  to  be  deficient  in  quantity  thus  addressed  the  Landlord  . 
'Pray,  friend,  how  many  Butts  of  Beer  dost  thou  draw  in  a  month?' 
'  Ten,  sir,'  replied  Boniface, '  and  thou  vvouldst  like  to  draw  eleven,' 
rejoined  Ebenezer,  '  certainly,'  exclaimed  the  smiling  landlord, 
'then  I  will  tell  thee  how,  friend,'  added  the  Quaker,  'Fill  thy 
Measures !' 


Fontenem.e  lived  to  be  nearly  one  hundred  years  old.  A  lady 
of  nearly  equal  age,  said  to  him  one  day,  in  a  large  company, 
'  Monsieur,  you  and  I  stay  here  so  long,  that  I  have  a  notion  death 
has  forgotten  ns !'  '  Speak  as  softly  as  you  can,  Madam,'  replied 
Fontenelle, '  lest  you  should  remind  him  of  us.' 


A  countryman,  very  much  marked  with  the  small-pox,  applied 
to  a  magistrate  for  redress  in  an  affair  where  one  of  his  neighbours 
bad  ill-treated  him ;  but  not  explaining  the  business  so  clearly  as 
the  justice  expected, '  Fellow,' said  he,  in  a  rage,  'I  don't  know 
whether  you  were  inoculated  for  the  small  pox  or  not,  but  I  am 
sure  you  have  been  for  stupidity.'  '  Why,  an't  please  you,'  replied 
the  man, '  perhaps  1  might,  as  you  say,  be  inoculated  for  stupidity  ; 
but  there  was  no  occasion  to  perform  that  on  your  worship,  for 
you  seem  to  have  had  it  in  the  natural  way.' 


Ai.i.  the  trcth  of  a  certain  talkative  lady  being  loose,  she  asked 
the  chevalier  Kuspim  the  cause  of  it,  who  answered, '  It  proceeded 
from  de  violent  shocks  her  ladyship  did  giv'em  with  her  tongue/ 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  219 

When  Lieutenant  O'Brien,  (who  was  afterwards  called  Sky- 
rocket Jack),  was  blown  up  at  Spithead,  in  the  Edgar,  he  was  sa- 
ved on  the  carriage  of  a  gun  ;  and  when  brought  to  the  Admiral 

all  black  and  wet,  he  said  with  pleasantry,  '  1  hope,  sir,  you  will 
excuse  my  dirty  appearance,  for  I  came  out  of  the  ship  in  so  great 
a  hurry  that  i  had  not  time  to  shift  myself.' 


A  military  officer  of  diminutive  stature  was  drilling  a  tall  Irish 
recruit;  '  Hold  up  your  head,'  said  the  officer,  elevating  the  chin 
of  the  Irishman  with  the  end  of  his  cane  to  an  angle  of  nearly  forty 
degrees;  'Hold  up  your  head,  so;'  'and  must  I  always  do  so, 
captain?'  asked  the  recruit:  'Yes,  always  ;'  answered  the  officer. 
'  Then  fare  you  well,  my  dear  little  fellow,'  rejoined  Paddy, '  for  I 
shall  never  see  you  more.' 


A  young  lady  going  into  the  barrack-room  at  Fort  George,  saw 
an  officer  toasting  a  slice  of  bread  on  the  point  of  his  sword,  On 
which  she  exclaimed, '  I  think,  Sir,  you  have  got  the  staff  of  life 
on  the  point  of  death.' 

While  Napoleon  was  a  Subaltern  in  the  army,  a  Russian  Offi- 
cer, with  much  self-sufficiency,  remarked,  'that  his  country  fought 
for  glory,  and  the  French  for  gain.'  '  You  are  perfectly  right,' 
answered  Napoleon,  'for  every  one  fights  for  that  which  he  does 
not  possess.' 


Two  Oxford  scholars  meeting  on  the  road  with  a  Yorkshire  host- 
ler, they  fell  to  bantering  him,  and  told  the  fellow,  that  they  would 
prove  him  to  be  an  horse  or  an  ass.  '  Well,'  said  the  hostler,  'and 
f  can  prove  your  saddle  to  be  a  mule.'  'A  Mule  !'  cried  one  of 
them, '  how  can  that  be?'  '  Because,'  said  the  hostler,  '  it  is  some- 


thing between  a  horse  and  an  ass.' 


When  the  celebrated  Bean  Nash  was  ill,  Dr.  Chayne  wrote  a 
prescription  for  him  ;  the  next  day  the  doctor  coming  to  see  his 
patient,  inquired  if  he  had  followed  his  prescription.  'No  faith,' 
said  Nash,  '  if  I  had  I  should  have  broke  my  neck,  for  I  threw  it 
out  of  a  two  pair  of  stairs  window.' 


A  culprit  asked  Jack  Ketch  if  he  had  any  commands  for  the 
other  world.  '  Why,'  said  Jack, '  not  many ;  I'll  only,'  added  he, 
'just  trouble  you  with  a  line.' 


220 


THE   BOOK  OF 


An  Irishman  telling  his  friend,  that  in  passing  along  the  street, 
he  saw  a  person  on  the  other  side  with  whom  he  thought  he  was 
acquainted,  said, '  I  crossed  to  see  him,  I  thought  I  knew  him,  and 
he  thought  he  knew  me,  hut,  by  Jasus,  my  honey,  it  was  neither 
one  nor  t'other  of  us.' 


Cook,  the  Actor.— A  physician,  seeing  Cook  about  to  drink  a 
glass  of  brandy,  exclaimed,  don't  drink  that  filthy  stuff.  Brandy 
is  the  worst  enemy  you  have.  '  I  know  that,'  replied  Cook,  '  but 
the  Scriptures  command  us  to  love  our  enemies,  so  here  goes  !' 


A  WHITE  CHOKES. 


What  means  that  sudden  groan? 

Old  gentleman,  declare, 
Why  drop  that  chicken  bone 

With  such  a  dreadful  air? 

Why  roll  thine  eyes  beneath 
Thy  specs  of  bottle-green  ? 

Why  thus  in  spasms  breathe  ? 
Old  gent !  what  do  you  mean? 


The  guests  in  awe  regard 
His  horror-stricken  face — 

The  features  plain  and  hard 
Convulsed  with  dire  grimace. 

'  Speak  !'  cries  the  festive  crowd, 

He  answers,  in  a  pet, 
•  My  teeth  !   (he  groans  aloud) 

I've  swallow'd  the  whole  set!' 


Two  country  attorneys,  overtaking  a  waggoner  on  the  road,  and 
thinking  to  be  witty  upon  him,  asked  why  his  fore  horse  was  so 
fat  and  the  rest  so  lean  ?  The  waggoner  knowing  tliem,  answered, 
that  the  fore  horse  was  a  lawyer,  and  the  rest  were  two  clients. 


Napoleon. — Among  the  other  costly  relics  belonging  to  one  of  the 
richest  convents  in  Valladolid,  there  was  a  brick  of  massive  gold, 
of  nearly  one  foot  in  length  by  an  inch  thick,  which  contained  a 
thorn,  said  to  he  from  the  crown  which  Christ  wore  on  the  cross. 
It  was  presented  to  Napoleon  by  one  of  his  generals,  and  he  receiv- 
ed it;  but,  taking  out  the  thorn,  'There,'  said  he,  'give  that  back 
to  the  monks — 1  keep  the  brick.' 


A  lady  whom  some  musicians  were  serenading,  was  so  little 
complimented  bj  their  performance  that  she  resented  it  by  throw- 
ing stout  s  at  them.  A  wag,  who  was  passing  by,  exclaimed,  your 
music  is  as  powerful  as  that  of  Orpheus,  for  it  moves  the  very 
stones, 


TUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  221 

ASTROLOGY. 

Boulainvilliers  and  Calonne,  who  both  enjoyed  a  high  reputation  at 
Paris  for  their  skill  in  astrology,  had  predicted  to  Voltaire  that  he 
should  die  at  the  age  of  thirty-two.  '  1  have  been  mischievous  enough,' 
he  wrote,  in  17.r>:',  '  to  deceive  them  already,  by  about  thirty  years, 
for  v,  bioh  I  humbly  beg  their  pardon.'  He  deceived  them  still  further 
by  more  than  twenty  years. 

An  astrologer  fixing  his  eyes  upon  the  countenance  of  the  Duke  of 
Milan,  said  to  him,  '  My  lord,  arrange  your  affairs,  for  you  have  not 
long  to  live.'—'  How  dost  thou  know  this''  asked  the  Duke. — 'By  my 
acquaintance  with  the  stars,'  answered  the  astrologer. — '  And  pray 
how  long  ait  thou  to  live?' — 'My  planet  promises  me  a  long  life.' — 
'  Well  thou  shalt  shortly  discover  that  we  ought  not  to  trust  to  the 
stars.'     And  he  ordered  him  to  be  hanged  instantly. 

Heguiages,  an  Arab  general,  under  the  Caliph  Valid,  consulted  in 
his  last  illness,  an  astrologer,  who  predicted  to  him  his  approaching 
death.  '  I  rely  so  completely  on  your  knowledge,'  replied  Heggiages 
to  him.  '  that  I  wish  to  have  you  with  me  in  the  other  world ;  and  I 
shall  therefore  send  you  thither  before  me,  in  order  that  I  may  be  able 
to  employ  vour  services  from  the  time  of  my  arrival.'  And  he  order- 
ed the  head  of  the  soothsayer  to  be  struck  off,  although  the  time  fix- 
ed by  the  planets  had  not  yet  arrived. 

Henry  VII.,  king  of  England,  asked  an  astrologer  if  he  knew  where 
he  should  pass  the  festivities  of  Christmas.  The  astrologer  answered, 
that  he  knew  nothing  on  the  subject.  I  then  am  cleverer  than  thou 
art,' replied  the  king,  '  for  I  know  that  thou  wilt  pass  them  in  the 
Tower  of  London.'    The  individual  was  immediately  conducted  thither. 

An  astrologer  foretold  the  deatli  of  a  lady  whom  Louis  XI.  passion- 
ately loved  :  she  did,  in  fact,  die ;  and  the  king  imagined  that  the 
prediction  of  the  astrologer  was  the  cause  of  it.  He  sent  for  the  man, 
intending  to  have  him  thrown  through  the  window  as  a  punishment : 
*  Teil  me,  thou  who  pretendest  to  be  so  clever  and  learned  a  man,  what 
thy  fate  will  be?'  The  soothsayer,  who  suspected  the  intentions  of  the 
prince,  and  who  knew  his  foible,  replied,  '  Sire,  I  foresee  that  I  shall 
die  three  days  before  your  majesty.'  The  king  believed  him,  and  was 
careful  of  the  astrologer's  life. 


A  clergyman  choose  for  his  text  the  following  words  :  '  \\  Inch 
of  you  will  go  up  with  me  to  Ramoth-Gilead?'  then  pausing,  he 
aaain  and  again  repeated  the  words,  when  a  gallant  tar  started 
from  his  seat,  and  looking  around  him  with  an  eye  of  indignation, 
exclaimed, '  Will  none  of  you  go  with  the  worthy  gentleman  ?  As 
for  my  part,  I  go  for  oue !' 

A  person  asked  an  Irishman,  why  he  wore  his  stockings  the 
wrong  side  outwards,  He  answered, '  Because  there  was  a  hole  on 
the  other  side.' 


222  THE   BOOK   OP 

A  cLari table  divine,  for  tbe  benefit  of  the  country  where  he  re 
sided,  caused  a  causeway  to  be  begun  ;  and  as  he  was  one  day 
overlooking  the  workmen,  a  certain  nobleman  passing  by,  said  to 
him,  '  Well,  doctor,  for  all  your  pains  and  charity  I  don't  take  this 
to  be  the  highway  to  heaven."  '  Very  true,'  replied  the  doctor,  'for 
if  it  had,  I  should  have  wondered  to  have  seen  your  lordship  here.' 


A  man  with  an  enormously  large  mouth  called  on  a  dentist  to 
get  a  tooth  drawn.  After  the  dentist  had  prepared  his  instruments, 
and  was  about  to  commence  operations,  the  man  of  mouth  began 
to  strain  and  stretch  his  mouth  till  he  got  it  to  a  most  frightful 
extent.  '  Stay,  sir,'  said  the  dentist,  '  don't  trouble  yourself  to 
stretch  your  mouth  any  wider,  for  I  intend  to  stand  on  the  outside 
of  it  to  draw  your  tooth.' 


Generous. — '  I  will  give  you  a  thousand  pounds,'  said  a  young 
buck  to  an  old  gentleman.  '  How  ?'  '  You  have  a  daughter,  and 
you  intend  to  give  her  ten  thousand  pounds  as  her  portion.'  '  I 
do.'     ' Sir,  I  will  take  her  with  nine  thousand!' 


It  appears,  that  in  New  Zealand,  when  the  marriage  ceremony 
takesplace,  it  is  a  common  custom  to  knock  the  heads  of  thebrideand 
the  bridegroom  together,  previous  to  their  union. 

In  England,  now,  it  isn't  so ; 

The  bridegroom  and  the  bride 
To  loggerheads  but  seldom  go, 

Until  the  knot  is  tied. 


1  Why  don't  you  wheel  that  barrow  of  coals,  Ned  ?'  said  a  learn- 
ed miner  to  one  of  his  sons.  '  It  is  not  a  very  hard  job  ;  there  is 
an  inclined  plane  to  relieve  you.'  'Ah,'  replied  Ned,  who  had 
more  relish  for  wit  than  work, '  the  plane  may  be  inclined,  but  hang 
me  if  I  am.' 


The  father  of  the  present  Lord  Abingdon,  riding  through  a  vil- 
lage in  the  enmity  0?  Oxford,  met  a  lad  dragging  a  calf  along, 
wlio,  when  his  lordship  came  up  to  him,  made  a  stop  and  stared 
him  full  in  the  face.  His  Lordship  asked  the  boy  if  lie  knew  him. 
lie  replied,  'Lees.'  'What  is  my  name:''  said  bis  Lordship. 
'  Why,  Lord  Abingdon,1  replied  the  lad — '  Then  why  don't  you 
lake  off  your  hat?'  'So  I  will,  sir,'  said  the  boy,  'if  ye'll  hold  the 
call.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  223 

HOW  DAVID  PRICE  CURED  HIS  WIFE'S 
SHOCKING  BAD  TEMPER. 

David,  a  man  of  meek  and  kindly  spirit,  had  long  suffered  from 
the  patter-clatter,  never-ending  scolding  tongue  of  his  worser  half. 
One  day,  a  herb  doctor  greeted  David  at  his  work,  with  a  '  Well, 
Master  David,  and  how  be  you  ?' — '  Oh !  I  be  very  well,  thanks  to 
ye;  but  my  wife's  not  so  very  nicely.'  'Indeed!'  said  the  gath- 
erer of  simples,  with  a  quick  ear  for  an  ailment,  '  what  may  be  the 
matter  wi'  she,  Master  David?' — 'Well,'  said  David,  in  his  usual 
dry  and  quiet  way,  'she  hav  a  bad  breaking  out  about  her  mouth 
every  now  and  then,  that  troubles  her  and  me  varry  sore,  I  'sure 
ye,  Master  Doctor.'  '  Well,'  said  the  latter, '  I  could  make  a  grand 
cure  of  her,  I'll  warrant — I  hev  a  salve  'at  I  makes  fra  the  juice 
of  the  juniper  tree,  and  by  boiling  up  a  vast  o'  different  kinds  o' 
things, 'quite  cure  that  in  no  time!' — 'Deed,'  said  Davie,  'and 
what  might  your  charge  be,  now,  for  a  box  o'  that  'intment,  'at 
would  quite  cure  her  ?'  '  Oh  !'  said  the  herbalist,  looking  anxious- 
ly up  in  David's  lace,  '  only  a  matter  of  a  shilling.' — '  Well,  that's 
dirt  cheap,'  said  David  ;  'if  you  cures  her,  I'll  give  you  eighteen 
pence,  there  now !'  With  this  offer  the  doctor  set  off  home  to  pre- 
pare his  nostrum,  and  straightway  hied  the  very  next  day  to  David's 
house,  box  in  hand.  There  he  found  Mrs.  Price,  and  went  at  once 
to  business.  '  Well,  Mrs.  Price,  your  master  tells  me  you  hev  be- 
times a  bad  breaking  out  about  the  mouth,  and  I've  brought  a  box 
o'  fine  'intment,  'at  will  quite  cure  ye !'  With  this  announcement, 
Mrs.  Price  firing  up — at  once  seeing  her  husband's  jest— raised 
the  brush  with  which  she  was  sweeping  the  floor,  and  pummelled 
the  doctor  to  her  heart's  content,  even  following  to  beat  him  a  field 
from  her  house — he  screaming  out  all  the  while,  '  Oh  !  Missus 
Price,  be  you  gone  mad?'  From  that  day,  however,  Mrs.  Price 
has  been  wholly  cured  of  her  scolding  habits.  David  has  only  to 
look  up  in  her  face  and  say, '  I'll  get  a  box  o'  that  'intment,'  and 
there's  an  end  of  the  matter,  David  honourably  paid  the  doctor 
his  Is.  6d.,  and  treated  him,  to  make  him  forget  his  pummelling. 
The  whole  of  these  circumstances  are  strictly  true. —  Durham 
Chronicle. 


A  preacher  in  Arabic  having  for  his  text  a  portion  of  the  Koran 
•  I  have  called  Noah  ;'  alter  twice  repeating  his  text,  made  a  long 
pause :  an  Arab  then  present,  thinking  he  was  waiting  for  an  ans- 
wer, exclaimed, '  If  Noah  will  not  come,  what  hinders  you  from 
calling  somebody  else.' 


224  THE   BOOK  OF 

ABSENCE  OF  MIND. 

A  gentleman  addicted  to  taking  snuff,  let  fall  his  handkerchief; 
stooping  to  pick  it  up,  he  seized  hold  of  a  lady's  dress,  wiped  his 
nose  with  it,  and  then  commenced  stuffing  it  into  his  coat  pocket. 
He  did  not  discover  his  mistake  till  a  somewhat  irascible  gentle- 
man kicked  him  out  of  the  house. 


The  other  day  a  man  in  Baltimore,  intending  to  wind  up  his 
watch,  through  a  sudden  attack  of  absence  of  mind,  wound  up  him- 
self. He  did  not  perceive  his  mistake  until  his  creditors  refused 
to  allow  him  to  go  upon  tick  any  longer ! 


The '  Nashville  Observer'  informs  us  of  the  following  case  of 
absence  of  mind,  which  took  place  in  the  person  of  an  old  lady, 
who,  after  stirring  the  fire  with  her  knitting  needle,  proceeded  to 
knit  with  the  poker,  and  did  not  discover  her  error  till  she  com- 


menced scratching  her  head  with  it. 


A  woman,  in  Ohio,  put  her  baby  into  the  washing-tub,  and  its 
dirty  frock  and  petticoat  into  the  cradle,  and  set  her  little  boy  to 
rock  it.  She  did  not  discover  her  mistake  until  the  baby  cried  out 
when  she  pinned  its  left  leg  to  the  line,  as  she  hung  it  out  in  the 
yard  to  dry. 


People  in  love  are  very  apt  to  forget  themselves,  instance  the 
following; — A  lady,  having  written,  folded,  and  scaled  a  billet- 
doux,  tripped  away  to  the  post-office  at  Baltimore.  Her  mind 
being  engrossed  in  imagining  the  delight  the  fond  object  she  had 
addressed  would  experience  in  receiving  her  communication,  cau- 
sed her  to  make  a  slight  mistake  ;  she  dropped  the  loiter  uncon- 
sciously mi  the  footpath,  and  posted  herself!  nor  did  she  discover 
her  error  until  the  post-roaster  asked,  when  about  to  stamp  her, 
whether  she  was  double  or  single  ! 


Wb  learn  from  the  '  Nashville  Banner,'  that  a  land-agent  down 
there,  by  name  Hiram  S.  Botts,  having  to  ride  out  in  great  h:ist<- 
on'e  day  last  week,  actually  dapped  the  saddle  upon  his  own  bat  is 

in  lead  ill'  his  mare's,  and  liner  found  out  the  mistake  till  he  was 
quite  liitigucd  with  vainly  trying  to  get  upon  himself. 


I  I  X  AND  AMUSEMENT  'llo 

WITTICISMS,  &c. 

A  Great  Calf. — Sir  William  B.  being  at  a  parish  mpeting,  niacin 
some  proposals  which  were  objected  to  by  a  farmer.  Highly  enraged, 
"Sir,"  said  he  to  the  farmer,  "do  you  know  that  I  have  been  at  two 
universities,  and  at  two  colleges  at  each  university?"  "Well,  sir,'" 
said  the  farmer,  "what  of  that?  I  had  a  calf  that  sucked  two  cows, 
and  the  observation  I  made  was,  the  more  he  sucked  the  greater  calf 
he  grew." 


A  Chancery  Pun. — Lord  Eldon  (the  Chancellor)  related  of  hi: 
predecessor,  Lord  Erskiiie,  that  being  at  a  dinner-party  with  Captain 
Parry,  after  his  first  voyage  of  discovery,  he  (Lord  Erskine)  asked  the 
intrepid  navigator,  what  himself  and  bis  hardy  crew  lived  on,  when 
frozen  up  in  the  polar  seas.  "On  the  Seals  to  be  sure,"  replied  Parry. 
"And  very  good  living  too,"  said  the  ex-chancellor,  "  if  you  keep  them 
Ion":  enough  !" 


A  gentleman  sitting  in  one  of  the  boxes  in  company  with  the  late 
Lord  North,  not  knowing  his  lordship,  entered  into  conversation  with 
him,  and  seeing  two  ladies  come  into  an  opposite  box,  turned  to  him, 
and  addressed  him  with,  "Pray,  sir,  can  you  inform  me  who  is  that 
ugly  woman  that  is  just  come  in?"  "Oh,"  replied  his  lordship  with 
great  good  humour,  "that  is  my  wife."  "Sir,  I  ask  you  ten  thousand 
pardons :  I  do  not  mean  her,  I  mean  that  shocking  monster  who  is 
along  with  her."     "That,"  replied  his  lordship,  "is  my  daughter." 


The  Minister  and  his  Man. — '  Sara,'  said  a  late  minister  of 
Drumblade  one  day  to  his  man  of  works,  '  you  must  bottle  the  cask 
of  whisky  this  forenoon  ;  but  as  the  vapour  from  the  whisky  may 
be  injurious,  take  a  glass  before  you  begin,  to  prevent  intoxication.' 
Now,  Samuel  was  an  old  soldier,  and  never  was  in  better  spirits 
than  when  bottling  whisky ;  and  having  received  from  his  master 
a  special  license  to  taste,  went  to  work  most  heartily.  Some  hours 
after  the  minister  visited  the  cellar  to  inspect  progress,  and  was  hor- 
rified to  find  Sam  lying  his  full  length  on  the  floor,  unconscious 
of  all  around.  '  O  Sam  !'  said  the  minister,  '  you  have  not  taken 
ray  advice,  you  see  the  consequence — rise,  Sam,  and  take  a  glass 
yet,  it  may  restore  you.'  '  Sam,  nothing  loth,  took  the  glass  from 
the  minister's  hand,  and  having  emptied  it,  said, '  Oh  !  sir,  this  is 
the  thirteenth  glass  I've  ta'en,   bit  I'm  nae  better.' 


A  Yankee  and  an  Irishman  happened  to  be  riding  together  pas- 
sed a  gallows.  '  Where  would  you  be,'  said  Jonathan,  'if  the  gal- 
lows had  its  due?'     '  Killing  alone,  to  be  sure,'  said  Pat. 

O 


22G  THE   BOOK   OF 

French  Politeness. — A  young  gentleman,  lodging  in  a  nar- 
row street  of  Paris,  lately  conceived  himself  enamoured  of  a  lady 
appeared  occasionally  at  an  opposite  window.  With  the  freedom 
of  modern  Lovelaces,  he  enclosed  a  copper  coin  in  a  billet-doux, 
to  give  it  the  necessary  weight,  and  threw  it  with  sufficient  force, 
against  the  closed  sash,  to  break  the  pane  of  glass  and  go  through. 
His  own  window  was  left  open,  and,  in  a  few  minutes  alter,  a  cold 
roast  chicken  entered  from  the  opposite  side,  to  the  leg  of  which 
was  tied  the  following  note: — 'Monsieur, — You  take  advantage 
of  a  means  of  corresponding  with  my  wife  which  proves  you  to 
have  read  the  Spanish  romances  to  some  profit.  While  I  allow 
your  ingenuity,  however,  allow  me  to  express  a  wish  that,  in  your 
future  love-letters  to  her  by  the  same  post,  you  will  let  the  enclosed 
weight  be  of  silver  instead  of  copper,  that  1  may  be  able  to  repair 
the  broken  pane  of  glass  at  your  expense. 

Your  humble  servant,        X. 


The  following  is  said  to  be  the  longest  pause  on  record;  An  old 
gentleman,  riding  over  Putney  Bridge,  turned  round  to  his  ser 
vant  and  said, '  Do  you  like  eggs,  John  ?'  '  Yes,  sir.'    Here  ended 
the  conversation.      The  same  gentleman,  riding  over  the  same 
bridge,   that  day  twelvemonths,  again   turned  round  and  said 
'  How?'  '  Poached,  sir,'  was  the  answer. 


COLONEL  MARIBUS 

A  wag  of  a  fellow,  who  would  joke  at  a  funeral,  8eein£  so  mueli 
Bolemnees  about  the  cholera  at  New  Orleans,  told  a  very  ^ood  anecdote 
which  spread  a  grin  on  every  countenance,  and  was  no  doubt  more  ben- 
eficial to  the  sympathetic  portion  of  the  'crowd'  than  would  have  been 
a  dose  of '  doctors'  stuff.'  'When  the  cholera  first  made  its  appear- 
ance,' said  be,  '  in  one  of  the  Eastern  cities,  in  1832,  a  sanitary  com- 
mittee was  appointed  to  visit  each  house  in  the  city,  and  enjoin  clean- 
liness on  the  inhabitants.  In  one  of  the  suburbs,  in  a  dark  alley,  they 
found  an  old  Irishwoman  living  in  one  room,  which  was  not  remark- 
able for  cleanliness.  The  spokesman  admonished  the  old  lady  that  she 
would  he  more  cleanly  — as  sickness  was  approaching;  the  city,  and  she 
would  be  likely  to  he  attacked. 

"Devil's  the  danger?1  said  the  old  lady,  ' d'hirt  is  houlsome — it 
niver  kilt  half  as  many  as  the  devilish  doothers.' 

'Just  at  this  juncture  a  grunt,  very  much  like  the  grunt  of  a  pi^, 
was  heard  t<>  proceed  from  the  corner  in  which  the  old  lady's  bed 
stood,  and  the  spokesman  of  the  committee  inquired  what  was  under 

tfal      Led? 


FtJN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  227 

"  Me  pag-!'  said  the  old  lady. 

"  Your  pig- !'  responded  the  committee. 

"Yes,  nay  pagr.' 

'  And  don't  you  know,'  ejaculated  the  committee, '  that  if  the  Cholera 
Morbus  comes  here,  and  finds  you  in  this  filthy  condition,  and  with 
a  pig-  under  your  bed,  that  you  will  be  one  of  its  first  subjects?' 

"Who's  Curnel  Maribus?'  responded  the  old  lady,  'that  I  should 
drive  out  me  png-  for  him?  To  the  devil  wid  yer  Curnel  Maribus! 
wasn't  Gineral  Lafayette  wid  us,  and  me  pag-  under  the  bed — and  no- 
body disturbed  him  ;  and  isn't  he  a  bether  man  than  Curnel  Maribus?' 

'Ah!'  said  the  committee  man,  'you  don't  understand  us.  Its  the 
disease — the  sickness  we  mean<' 

"  Don't  trouble  yerselves  about  that,'  said  the  old  lady,  '  for  it  don't 
trouble  me.  And  now,  g-intlemen,'  she  continued,  '  I  won't  turn  out 
me  pag-  for  yer  desase,  nor  for  Curnel  Maribus,  nor  for  yerselves — so 
ye  may  jist  as  well  leave  me  house." 

They  did  leave — and  the  old  lady  kept  her  '  pag-.' 


GATHER  YE  ROSEBUDS. 

Gather  ye  rosebuds  while  ye  may, 

Old  time  is  still  a-flying ; 
And  this  same  flower  that  smiles  to-day, 

To-morrow  will  be  dying-. 

The  glorious  lamp  of  heaven,  the  sun, 

The  higher  he's  a-getting, 
The  sooner  will  his  race  be  run, 

And  nearer  he's  to  setting. 

That  age  is  best  which  is  the  first, 
When  youth  and  blood  are  warmer; 

But  being  spent,  the  worse,  and  worst 
Times  still  succeed  the  former. 

Then  be  not  coy,  but  use  your  time, 
And,  while  ye  may,  go  marry, 

For,  having  lost  but  once  your  prime, 
You  may  for  ever  tarry. 


A  Sportsman  coursing  lost  a  hare,  and  hastily  accosted  a  shep- 
herd hoy.  '  Boy,  did  you  see  a  hare  come  past  here  ?'  «  A  haie, 
sir  ?'  '  Yes,  fool.'  '  What  a  hare,  sir  ?'  '  Yes.'  '  What  a  thing  that 
runs  fast  with  long  ears?'  'That  goes  loppety,  loppety,  lop?' 
*  Yes,  yes,  my  good  fellow.'  '  What  very  long  ears  ?'  '  Yes,  dolt.' 
4  Ah,  then,'  said  the  hov,  '  I  did'nt  see  it.' 


228  THE   BOOK   or 

Railway  Speculation, — As  Burton,  a  celebrated  physician, 
was  going  to  the  house  of  a  lady,  who  had  sent  for  him  in  a  great 
hurry,  he  received  intelligence  that  shares  had  greatly  fallen. 
Holding  a  considerable  number  of  shares,  the  news  made  so  strong 
an  impression  on  his  mind,  that  while  he  was  feeling  his  patient's 
pulse,  he  exclaimed,  '  Mercy  upon  me,  how  they  fall !  lower,  lower, 
lower!'  The  lady  in  alarm  flew  to  the  bell,  crying  out,  'I  am 
dying!  Mr.  Burton  says  that  my  pulse  gets  lower  and  lower,  so 
that  it  is  impossible  I  should  live  !'  '  You  are  dreaming,  madam !' 
replied  the  physician,  rousing  himself  from  his  reverie,  'your  pulse 
is  very  good,  and  nothing  ails  you ;  it  was  the  Railway  Shares  I 
was  talking  of.' 


THE  FRENCHMAN  and  the  RATS. 

A  Frenchman  once,  who  was  a  merry  wight, 
Passing-  to  town  from  Dover,  in  the  night, 
Near  the  road  side  an  ale-house  chanc'd  to  spy, 
And  being  rather  tired,  as  well  as  dry, 
Resolv'd  to  enter :  but  first  he  took  a  peep, 
In  hopes  a  supper  he  mig-ht  get,  and  cheap. 
He  enters — '  Hallo  !  Garcon,  if  you  please, 
Bring-  me  a  leetel  bit  of  bread  and  cheese  : — 
And,  Hallo  !  (Jargon,  a  pot  of  porter,  too,'  he  said, 
*  Which  I  shall  take,  and  then  myself  to  bed.' 

His  supper  done,  some  scraps  of  cheese  were  left, 

Which  our  poor  Frenchman  thinking  it  no  theft, 

Into  his  pocket  put;  then  slowly  crept 

To  wish'd-for  bed;  but  not  one  wink  he  slept — 

For  on  the  floor  some  sacks  of  flour  were  laid, 

To  which  the  rats  a  nightly  visit  paid. 

Our  hero  now,  undress'd,  popp'd  out  the  light, 

Put  on  his  cap,  and  bade  the  world  good  night; 

But  first  his  breeches,  which  contain'd  the  fare, 

Under  bis  pillow  he  had  plac'd  with  care. 

Sans  ceremonie,  soon  the  rats  all  ran, 

And  on  the  flour  sacks  greedily  began; 

At  which  they  gorged  themselves ;  then  smelling  round, 

Under  the  pillow,  soon  the  cheese  they  found; 

And,  while  ;it  this  tliry  all  regaling  Bat, 

Their  happy  jawa  disturbed  the  Frenchman's  nap, 

Who,  half  awake,  ones  out,  '  Hollo  !  Hollo  ! 

What  is  dat  nibbel  at  my  pillow  so? 

All !  'tis  one  big  scamp  rat! 

What  de  diable  is  it  he  nibbel,  nibbel  all' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  229 

In  vain,  our  little  hero  sought  repose — 
Sometimes  the  vermin  galloped  o'er  his  nose ; 
And  such  the  pranks  they  kept  up  all  the  night, 
That  he  on  end  antipodes  upright, 
Bawling  aloud  called  stoutly  for  a  light. 
'  Hollo  !   Maison  !  Garcon,  I  say  ! 
Bring  me  de  bill  for  what  I  hav  to  pay !' 

The  bill  was  brought,  and  to  his  great  surprise 

Ten  shillings  was  the  charge — he  scarce  believes  his  eyes ; 

With  eager  haste  he  runs  it  o'er, 

And  every  time  he  view'd  it,  thought  it  more, 

'  Why,  zounds,  what  dis  mean  ?  (he  cries)  I  sail  no  pay; 

What!  charge  ten  shillings  for  what  I  hav'  mange? 

A  leetle  sup  of  porter,  dis  vile  bed, 

AVhere  all  de  rats  do  run  about  my  head?' 

•  0,  curse  those  rats?'  the  landlord  muttered  out; 

•  I  wish,  by  George,  that  I  could  make  'em  scout : 
I'll  pay  him  well  that  can.'     '  Attend  to  me,  I  pray: 
Vil  you  dis  charge  forego,  what  I  am  at, 

If  from  your  house  I  drive  away  de  rat?' 
'  With  all  my  heart,'  the  jolly  host  replies, 

•  Ecoutez  done,  ami ;'  (the  Frenchman  cries) 
First,  den — regarder  if  you  please — 
Bring  to  dis  spot  a  littel  bread  and  cheese; 
Eh  bien  !  a  pot  of  porter,  too  ; 

And  den  invite  de  rats  to  sup  wid  you ; 

And  after — no  matter  dey  be  willing — 

For  what  dey  eat,  you  charge  dem  just  ten  shilling; 

And  I  am  sure,  when  dey  behold  de  score — 

Dey'll  quit  your  house,  and  never  come  no  more.' 


THE  TWO  MISERS.-A  Hebrew  Tale. 

A  miser  living  in  Kufa  had  heard  that  in  Bassora  also  there  dwelt 
a  miser — more  miserly  than  himself,  to  whom  he  might  go  to  school, 
and  from  whom  he  might  learn  much.  He  forthwith  journeyed  thither, 
and  presented  himself  to  the  great  master  as  a  humble  commeneer  in 
the  Art  of  Avarice,  anxious  to  learn,  and  under  him  to  become  a  stu- 
dent. '  Welcome!'  said  the  miser  of  Bassora;  '  we  will  straight  go 
into  the  market  to  make  some  purchase.'  They  went  to  the  baker. 
'  1  last  thou  good  bread  .'' — 'Good  indeed,  my  masters,  and  fresh  and 
soft  as  butter.' — 'Mark  this  friend,'  said  the  miser  of  Bassora  to  the 
one  of  Kufa,  'butter  is  compared  with  bre;i<l  as  being  the  better  of  the 
two;  as  we  can  only  consume  a  small  quantity  of  that,  it  will  also  be 
the  cheaper,  and  we  therefore  act  more  wisely,  and  more  savingly  too, 


230  THE   BOOK  OP 

in  being  satisfied  with  butter.'  They  then  went  to  the  butter  mer- 
chant, and  asked  if  he  had  good  butter.  '  Good,  indeed,  and  flavoury 
and  fresh  as  the  finest  olive  oil,'  was  the  answer.  '  Mark  this,  also,' 
said  the  host  to  his  guest,  'oil  is  compared  with  the  very  best  butter, 
and  therefore  by  much  ought  to  be  preferred  to  the  latter.'  They  next 
went  to  the  oil  vender:  '  Have  you  good  oil?' — '  The  very  best  qual- 
ity, white  and  transparent  as  water,' was  thereply. — •  Mark  that,  too,' 
said  the  miser  of  Basora  to  the  one  of  Kufa ;  '  by  this  rule  water  is 
the  very  best.  Now,  at  home  I  have  a  pailful,  and  most  hospitably 
therewith  will  I  entertain  you.'  And,  indeed,  on  their  return,  nothing 
but  water  did  he  place  before  his  guest,  because  they  had  learnt  that 
water  was  better  than  oil,  oil  better  than  butter,  butter  better  than 
bread.  '  God  be  praised!'  said  the  miser  of  Kufa,  ■  I  have  not  jour- 
neyed this  long  distance  in  vain  !' — Fairy  Tales  from  all  Naliojis. 


THERE'S  A  WILL,  BUT  NO  WAY. 

Where  there's  a  will,  I  hear  you  say, 
A  man  may  always  find  a  way. 
I  wish  you'd  make  this  fact  appear, 
For  here  in  gaol  I've  been  a  year  ; 
And  though  my  ivi/l  is  very  stout, 
I  find  no  way  of  getting  out. 


AN  ENIGMA. 

A  Friend  and  an  enemy,  a  blessing  and  a  curse,  a  beauty  and  a  de- 
formity ;  it  saves  life  and  takes  it  away ;  it  is  long  ar.d  short,  round 
and  square,  hot  and  cold,  straight  and  crooked,  smooth  and  uneven, 
hard  and  soft,  much  wanted  where  in  greatest  plenty,  and  most  useful 
where  least  regarded  ;  it  accommodates  itself  to  all  tastes  ;  it  is  savoury 
and  insipid,  Bweet  and  of  a  bad  smell,  strong  and  weak,  sometimes  able 
to  carry  great  burthens,  and  at  other  times  won't  bear  the  weight  of  a 
pin;  this,  men  make  great  journeys  on,  and  yet  have  it  at  home ; 
housewives  and  cooks  admire  it,  husbandmen  curse  it,  merchants  rue 
it,  it  causes  famine  and  plenty;  it  is  a  bane  and  an  antidote;  man 
and  beast,  fish  and  fowl,  earth,  an. I  air,  and  sea,  experience  its  influence; 
it  has  the  privilege  of  kissing  the  fairest  ladies  lips,  and  assists  in 
dressing  their  persons;  it  is  a  sovereign  remedy  for  despairing  Lovers, 
ami  will  bring  them  tog<  ther,  tin/  at  a  thousand  miles  distance  ;  sub- 
servient and  overbearing)  useful  and  destructive,  death  and  a  medi- 
cine ;  it  is  a  fluid  and  a  solid,  a  mountain  and  a  valley,  has  a  numer- 
ous ofifepring  and  yet  an  enemy  to  children  ;  the  subject  of  miracles, 
tin'  destruotii  a  of  armies,  the  plague  of  philosophy,  a  theme  for  poets, 
an  Improvement  of  musio,  of  great  use  in  fortinoations,  and  occasioned 
tin   first  architecture  in  the  world. 


FUN  AND   AMUSEMENT.  2IU 

A  SECOND  ULYSSES. 

AMERICAN   POLICE. 

An  old  man,  of  very  acute  physiognomy,  answered  to  'he  name  of 
Jacob  Wirnont.  His  clothes  looking  as  though  they  mi^t  have  been 
bought  second  handed  in  his  youthful  prime,  for  they  had  suffered 
more  by  the  rubs  of  the  world  than  the  proprietor  himself. 

Mayor.  What  business  do  you  follow,  Wimont? — Wimont.  Bus- 
iness! None — I'm  a  traveller. 

M.  A  vagabond,  perhaps.  —  W.  You  are  not  far  from  wrong;  trav- 
ellers and  vagabonds  are  much  the  same  thing.  The  difference  is,  that 
the  latter  travel  without  money,  and  the  former,  generally,  without 
brains. 

M.     Where  have  you  travelled  ? —  W.  All  over  the  continent. 

M.     For  what  purpose? — W.  Observation. 

M.  What  have  you  observed? — W.  A  very  little  to  commend, 
much  to  censure,  and  very  much  to  laugh  at. 

M.  Humph!  and  what  do  you  commend? — W.  A  handsome  wo- 
man that  will  stay  at  home,  an  eloquent  preacher  that  will  make  short 
sermons,  a  good  writer  that  does  not  write  too  much,  and  a  fool  that 
lias  just  sense  enough  to  hold  his  tongue. 

M.  What  do  you  censure? — W.  A  man  who  marries  a  girl  for  her 
fine  dancing,  a  working  man  who  believes  in  the  sympathy  of  profes- 
sional gentlemen,  a  youth  who  studies  law  or  medicine  while  he  has 
the  use  of  his  hands,  and  the  people  who  elect  a  drunkard  or  a  block- 
head to  office. 

M.  Ahem!  And  what  do  you  laugh  at? — W.  I  laugh  at  the  man 
who  expects  his  position  to  command  that  respect  which  his  personal 
qualities  and  qualifications  do  not  merit. 

M.  Oh !  I  perceive  you  are  an  utterer  of  pithy  sentences  ;  now  I 
am  about  to  utter  one  that  will  surprise  you. —  W.  A  pithy  sentence 
from  your  honour  would  indeed  be  matter  for  astonishment. 

M.  My  sentence  is,  that  you  discontinue  travelling'  for  the  term  of 
thirty  days,  while  you  rest  and  recruit  yourself  at  Moyamensing. 

This  retort  was  a  poser,  and  Mr.  Wimont,  submitting  to  the  re- 
quirements of  the  Vagrant  Act,  retired  from  the  hall  of  justice  without 
uttering  another  syllable. 


Knowledge  of  the  World. — Lord  Anson,  the  circumnaviga- 
tor of  the  globe,  suffered  much  by  gaming.  The  treasure  of  the 
Spanish  galleons  hccame  the  prize  of  some  sharpers  at  Bath  :  on 
which  occasion  it  was  observed,  '  That  Lord  Anson  had  been 
round  the  world,  and  over  the  world,  but  never  in  the  world.' 


Laziness  grows  on  people  ;  it  begins  in  cobwebs,  and  ends  in 
iron  chains.  The  more  business  a  man  has  to  do  the  more  he  is 
able  to  accomplish  ;  for  he  learns  to  economise  bis  time. 


232  THE    BOOK   OF 

Two  Irishmen  meeting  one  day,  one  of  them  inquired  of  the 
other  if  he  had  seen  his  friend  Pat  Murphy  lately,  '  for,'  said  he, 
'  he  has  grown  so  thin  that  you  would  not  know  him  at  all :  you  are 
thin,  and  I  am  thin,  but,  by  the  Powers,  he  is  thinner  than  both 
of  us  together. 


An  English  sailor  observing  some  slaves  marched  down  to  the 
quay  to  be  freighted  to  New  Oilcans  slave  market;  said  to  his 
companion.  '  I  say,  Jim,  if  the  devil  don't  catch  them  'ere  fellers 
as  drives  them  poor  creatures  along  its  no  use  having  a  devil,  that's 
all." 


To  the  author  of  some  bad  lines  on  the  river  Dee. 

Had  I  been  U, 
And  in  the  Q, 

As  easy  as  I  might  B ; 
I'd  let  you  C, 

Whilst  sipping-  T, 

Far  better  lines  on  D. 


SAMUEL  FOOT 

An  eccentric  barber  some  years  ago,  opened  a  shop  under  the 
King's  Bench  Prison.  The  windows  being  broken  when  he  enter- 
ed it,  he  mended  them  with  paper,  on  which  appeared,  '  Shave  for 
a  penny,'  with  the  usual  invitations  to  customers,  and  over  the 
door  was  scrawled  this  poetry  : — 

Here  lives  Jemmy  Wright, 

Shaves  as  well  as  any  man  in  England 

Almost — not  quite. 

Foot,  who  loved  anything  eccentric,  saw  these  inscriptions,  and 
hoping  to  extract  some  wit  from  the  author  whom  he  justly  con- 
eluded  to  be  an  odd  character.  He  pulled  oil'  his  bat,  and  thrill- 
ing his  head  through  a  paper  pane  into  the  shop,  called  out,  *  Is 
Jemmy  Wright  at  home?1  The  barber  immediately  forced  his 
own  bead  through  another  pane  into  the  Street,  and  replied,  'No 
sir,  he  has  just  popt  out.'  Foot  laughed  heartily,  and  gave  the 
man  a  guinea. 


A  schoolmaster  said  of  himself,  '  I  am  like  a  hone,  I  sharpen   a 

number  of  blades,  but  I  wear  myself  oul  in  doing  it 


FDN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  233 

ELECTIONEERING. 

Col.  Crockett  says : — '  When  you  see  me  electioneering,  I  goes 
fixed  for  the  purpose.  I've  got  a  suit  of  deer-leather  clothes,  with 
two  big  pockets  ;  so  I  puts  a  bottle  of  whiskey  in  one,  and  a  twist 
of  tobacco  in  t'other,  and  starts  out ;  then,  if  I  meets  a  friend,  why 
1  pulls  out  my  bottle  and  gives  him  a  drink.  He'll  be  mighty 
apt,  before  he  drinks,  to  throw  away  his  tobacco  ;  so  when  he's  done, 
I  pulls  my  twist  out  of  t'other  pocket,  and  gives  him  a  chaw ;  f 
never  likes  to  leave  a  man  worse  off  than  when  I  found  him.  If 
I  had  given  him  a  drink,  and  he  had  lost  his  tobacco,  he  wouldn't 
have  made  much  ;  but  give  him  tobacco  and  a  drink  too,  and  you 
are  mighty  apt  to  get  his  vote.' 


THE  KENTUCKIAN  AMONG  LADIES- 

'  Were  you  never  among;  fine  ladies  V  asked  Chevilere.  '  Yes  ;  and 
fiummock  me  if  I  want  to  be  so  fixed  again  ;  for  there  I  sat  witli  my 
feet  straight  down  under  my  knees,  head  up,  and  hands  laid  close  along 
my  legs,  like  a  new  recruit  on  drill,  or  a  horse  on  the  stocks  ;  and  twist 
me  if  I  didn't  feel  as  I  was  about  to  be  nicked.  The  whole  company 
Btared  at  me  as  if  I  had  come  without  an  invite,  and  I  swear  I  thought 
my  arms  had  grown  a  foot  longer,  for  I  couldn't  get  my  hands  into  no 
sort  of  a  comfortable  fix  :  first  I  tried  them  on  my  lap  ;  there  they  look- 
ed like  going  to  prayers,  or  as  if  I  was  tied  in  that  way :  then  I  slung 
'em  down  by  my  side,  and  they  looked  like  two  weights  to  a  clock ; 
and  then  I  wanted  to  cross  my  legs,  and  I  tried  that,  but  my  legs  stuck 
out  like  a  pump-handle.  Then  my  head  stuck  up  through  a  glazed 
shirt-collar,  like  a  pig  in  a  poke:  then  I  wanted  to  spit,  but  the  floor 
looked  so  fine  that  I  would  as  soon  thought  of  spitting  on  the  window  : 
and  then,  to  fix  me  out  and  out,  they  asked  us  all  to  sit  down  to  din- 
ner !  Well,  things  went  on  smooth  enough  for  a  while,  till  we  had  got 
through  one  whet  at  it.  Then  an  imp  of  a  nigger  came  up  to  me  first 
with  a  waiter  of  little  bowls  full  of  something,  and  a  parcel  of  towels 
slung  over  his  arm  :  so  I  clapped  one  of  the  bowls  to  my  head,  and 
drank  it  down  at  a  swallow.  Now,  sir,  what  do  you  think  was  in  it?' 
•Punch,  I  suppose,'  said  Chevillere,  laughing;  'or,  perhaps  apple 
toddy.'  '  So  I  thought,  and  so  would  any  body,  as  dry  as  I  was,  and 
that  wanted  something  to  wash  down  the  fainty  stuffs  I  had  been  lay- 
ing in ;  but  no  !  it  was  water  !  Yes,  you  may  laugh  ;  but  it  was  clean 
warm  water  !  The  others  dipped  their  fingers  into  the  bowls,  and  wiped 
them  on  the  towels  as  well  as  they  could  for  giggling  ;  but  it  was  all 
the  fault  of  that  pampered  nigger  in  bringing  it  to  me  first.  As  soon 
as  I  catched  his  eye,  I  gin  him  a  wink,  as  much  as  to  let  him  know  if 
ever  I  caught  him  on  my  trail.  I  would  wipe  him  down  with  a  hickory 
towel.' 


234  THE   BOOK   OF 

A  celebrated  wag  one  evening,  accompanied  by  a  few  face- 
tious friends,  took  a  hackney  coach,  and  ordered  the  man  to  drive 
to  the  back  of  St.  Clements.  When  they  arrived  there,  the  Duke 
got  out  and  walked  round  the  coach  to  the  other  door,  and  was, 
in  consequence  of  a  concerted  plan,  followed  by  his  friends,  they 
entered  the  coach  on  the  opposite  side  to  where  the  man  stood,  and 
passed  through  the  coach  one  after  another,  eighteen  times,  to  the 
astonishment  of  the  coachman,  who  ran  into  the  first  public-house 
he  saw,  and  in  the  utmost  fright,  declared  he  had  been  carrying  a 
legion  of  devils,  for  he  had  counted  eighteen  of  them,  and  they 
were  coming  out  still! 


THE  DTJTCHMAN'S  DOG. 

'  Oh !  vare,  and  oh  !  vare 

Hash  ter  teetle  toggy  gone  ? 
Oh  !  vare,  and  oh  !  vare 

Can  ter  raschal  tog-  be  gone? 
He's  gone  unto  ter  tivel — 

He's  gone  mit  him,  I  fear. 
He  may  be  von  pig-  sassage — 

Mine  tog — oh,  tear !  oh,  tear ! 

'  His  park  vas  full  ov  mushick — 

It  goes  just  like  ting-tong  ; 
His  ears  were  cut  off  short, 

His  tail  was  cut  off  long. 
'  He  ush'd  to  trive  ter  scliiekens, 

And  say  to  tern,  '  Pow-wow !' 
But  he'sh  gone  unto  te  dickens — 

Vy  !  here  comes  Sehinippo  now  : 

'  Oh  !  vare,  and  oh  !  vare 

Hash  ter  good-for-nothin'  peen? 
Oh  !  vare,  and  oh  !  vare 

Can  ter  rashcal  toggy  peen  ? 
I  tink  he'sh  peen  koon-hunting — 

I  tink  he'sh  goot  for  koons, 
'Cause  tere'a  notion'  else  he'sh  goot  for 

Under  ter  stars  and  moons. 

•Come  here,  you  wagabone!  Vere  you  peen,  eh?  O  mine 
noshe!  you  smells  vorse  ash  von  schunk.  I  vips  you  now  mit  ter 
proom,  for  having  to  do  mit  so  pad  peoples  ash  Bchunks.  1!  you 
runs  away  agin,  1  put  you  in  ter  papers,  and  you  ish  ruined  for  ever.' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  23o 

'At,  Pat!  Pat!  Pat!'  said  the  school-mistress  to  a  thick-headed 
urchin,  into  whose  muddy  brain  she  was  attempting  to  heat  the 
alphabet,  '  I'm  afraid  you'll  never  learn  anything.  Now,  what's 
that  letter,  eh  !' — '  Sure,  don't  you  know,  ma'am  ?'  replied  Pat. 

'Thought  you  could  have  recollected  that.' — '  Why,  ma'am  ? 

'  Because  it  has  a  dot  over  the  top  61  it.' — '  Och,  ma'am!  I  mind 
it  well,  but  sure  I  thought  it  was  a.  fly  speck  P 

1  Well !  now  remember,  Pat,  it's  1.' — '  You,  ma'am  ? 

•  No !  no !— not  U,  but  /.' — '  Not  I,  but  you,  ma'am— how's  that  ?' 

'Not  I,  but  U,  blockhead.' — 'Och,  yis!  faith,  now  I  have  it, 
ma'am.     You  mean  to  say  that  not  /,  but  you,  are  a  blockhead !' 

'  Fool !  fool!'  exclaimed  the  pedagoguess,  almost  bursting  with 
rage. — 'Jist  as  you  plaze,'  quietly  replied  Pat;  '  fool  or  blockhead 
— it's  no  matter  which,  so  long  as  yeer  free  to  own  it.' 


MELTING  MOMENTS.* 

One  winter  evening  a  country  storekeeper  in  the  Mountain  State 
was  about  closing  his  doors  for  the  night,  and  while  standing  in  the 
enow  outside,  putting  up  his  window-shutters,  he  saw  through  the  glass 
a  lounging  worthless  fellow  within  take  a  pound  of  fresh  butter  from 
the  shelf,  and  hastily  conceal  it  in  his  hat.  '  Stay,  Seth,'  said  the  store- 
keeper, coming  in  and  closing  the  door  after  him,  clapping  his  hands 
over  his  shoulders,  and  stamping  the  snow  off  his  shoes.  Seth  hath 
his  hand  upon  the  door,  and  his  hat  upon  his  head,  and  the  roll  of  new 
butter  in  his  hat,  anxious  to  make  his  exit  as  soon  as  possible.  '  I  say, 
Seth,  sit  down ;  I  reckon  now,  on  such  a  night,  a  little  something  warm 
wouldn't  hurt  a  fellow.  Come,  sit  down.'  Seth  felt  very  uncertain; 
he  had  the  butter,  and  was  exceedingly  anxious  to  be  off,  but  the  temp- 
tation of  "something  warm"  sadly  interfered  with  his  resolution  to  go. 
This  hesitation,  however,  was  soon  settled  by  the  rightful  owner  of  the 
butter  taking  Seth  by  the  shoulders  and  planting  him  upon  a  seat  close 
to  the  stove,  where  he  was  so  entirely  cornered  in  by  barrels  and  boxes 
that,  while  the  country  grocer  sat  before  him,  there  was  no  possibility 
of  his  getting  out;  and  right  in  this  place  sure  enough  the  store- 
keeper sat  down.  "Seth,  we'll  have  a  little  warm  Santa  Cruz,"  said 
the  Mountain  grocer,  as  he  opened  the  stove  door,  and  stuffed  in  as 
many  sticks  as  the  space  would  admit;  "without  it  you'd  freeze  going 
home  such  a  night  as  this."  Seth  already  felt  the  butter  setting  down 
closer  to  his  hair,  and  jumped  up,  declaring  he  must  go.  "Not  till 
you  have  something  warm.  Come,  I've  got  a  story  to  tell  you;  sit 
down,  now  ;"  and  Seth  was  again  put  into  his  seat  by  his  cunning 
tormentor.  '  Oh,  it's  confounded  hot  here,'  said  the  thief,  again  attempt- 

*  Tho  Writer  of  "Buttery  Dick,"  page  168,  had  not  read  this  Auecdote  till  soma 
time  after  Battery  Dick  was  written,  ami  put  into  type. 


236  THE   BOOK   OF 

ing  to  rise.  "Sit  down  ;  don't  be  in  such  a  plaguy  hurry,"  retorted  the 
grocer,  pushing  him  back  into  the  chair.  "  But  I  have  got  the  cowa 
to  fodder,  and  some  wood  to  split,  and  I  must  be  agoing,"  continued 
the  persecuted  chap.  "But  you  mustn't  tear  yourself  away  in  this 
manner.  Sit  down ,  let  the  cows  take  care  of  themselves,  and  keep 
yourself  cool ; — you  appear  to  be  lidgetty,"  said  the  roguish  grocer  with 
a  wicked  leer.  The  next  thing  was  the  production  of  two  smoking 
glasses  of  hot  rum  toddy,  the  very  sight  of  which,  in  Seth's  present 
situation,  would  have  made  the  hair  stand  erect  on  his  head,  had  it 
not  been  well  oiled  and  kept  down  by  the  butter.  "Seth,  I'll  give 
you  a  toast  now,  and  you  can  butter  it  yourself,"  said  the  grocer,  yet 
with  such  an  air  of  consummate  simplicity  that  poor  Seth  still  believed 
himself  unsuspected.  "Seth,  here's  a  Christmas  goose — (it  was  about 
Christmas  time) — here's  a  Christmas  goose  well  roasted  and  basted, 
eh  ?  I  tell  you,  Seth,  it's  the  greatest  eating  in  creation.  And,  don't 
you  never  use  common  cooking  butter  to  baste  it  with  ?  Fresh  pound 
butter,  just  the  same  as  you  see  on  that  shelf  yonder,  is  the  only  pro- 
per thing  in  nature  to  baste  a  goose  with.  Come,  take  your  butter  ; 
I  mean,  Seth,  your  toddy."  Poor  Seth  now  began  to  smoke  as  well 
as  to  melt,  and  his  mouth  was  as  hermetically  sealed  up  as  though  he 
had  been  born  dumb.  Streak  after  streak  of  the  butter  came  pouring 
from  under  his  hat,  and  his  handkerchief  was  already  soaked  with  the 
overflow.  "Dreadful  cold  night  this  !"  said  the  grocer,  "  Why,  Seth, 
you  seem  warm.  Why  don't  you  take  your  hat  off?  Here,  let  me  put 
your  hat  away."  "  No,"  exclaimed  poor  Seth  at  last,  with  a  spasmodic 
effort  to  get  the  tongue  loose,  and  clapping  both  hands  upon  his  hat — 
"No,  I  must  go  j  let  me  out.  I  ain't  well;  let  me  go."  A  cataract 
was  now  pouring  down  the  fellow's  face,  soaking  his  clothes,  and  sli- 
ding down  his  body  into  his  very  boots,  so  that  he  was  literally  in  a 
perfect  bath  of  oil.  "Well,  good  night,  Seth,  if  you  will  go,"  said  the 
humorous  Vermonter  ;  adding,  as  Seth  got  into  the  road,  "  Neighbour, 
I  reckon  the  fun  I  have  had  out  of  you  is  worth  9d.,  so  I  shan't  charge 
you  for  that  pound  of  butter." 


.  S  V  ^  x  •  x  - 


A  Bad  Bargain. — A  Persian  who  kept  a  parrot,  taught  it  his 
own  language.  The  parrot,  in  answer  to  every  question,  would 
say,  lDer  ecu  cheek  shuck,'  or,  '  What  doubt  is  thereof  that?'  One 
day  the  man  carried  the  parrot  t'>  market  for  sale,  and  fixed  the 
price  at  one  hundred  rupees.  A  Mogul  asked  the  parrot, '  Are  you 
worth  a  hundred  rupees?'  It  answered, '  What  doubt  is  there  of 
that?'  The  Mogul  was  delighted,  bought  the  parrot,  and  carried 
it  home.  Whatever  he  said,  he  received  for  answer, '  What  doubt 
is  there  of  that?'  He  then  began  to  repent  of  liis  bargain,  and 
said,  'What  a  fool  1  was  to  liny  this  bird!'  The  parrot  said, 
'What  doubt  is  there  of  that?'  The  Mogul  smiled,  and  gave  the 
bird  its  liberty. 


FtJN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  237 

A  Good  Shot.— Two  passengers  coming  down  the  Mississipi 
in  a  steam-boat,  were  amusing  themselves  with  shooting  birds  on 
shore  from  the  deck.  Some  sporting  converse  ensued.  One  re- 
marked that  he  would  turn  his  back  to  no  man  in  killing  racoons 
— that  he  had  repeatedly  shot  fifty  a-day.  '  What  o'  that?'  said 
;i  Kentuckian,  '  1  make  nothing  of  killing  a  hundred  'coon  a-day, 
or'nary  luck.'  '  Do  you  know  Captain  Scott,  of  our  state  ?'  asked 
a  Tennessean  bystander, 'he  now  is  something  like  a  shot.  A  hun- 
dred 'coon  !  why  he  never  pints  at  one  without  hitting  him.  He 
never  misses,  and  the  'coon  know  it.  T'other  day  he  levelled  at 
au  old  'un,  in  a  high  tree;  the  varmint  looked  at  him  a  minute, 
ami  then  bawled  out, '  Halloo,  Cap'n  Scott!  is  that  you?'  '  Yes,' 
was  the  reply.  '  Well,  pray  don't  shoot,  Til  come  down  to  you — 
I'll  give  in— I'm  dead  beat.' ' 


.  y  -v  yx  y  x  r  * 


THE  BOTTLE  OF  GALKER  * 

In  a  Midland  town  a  parson  lived, 
And  a  right  good  man  was  he; 

1  knew  him  well,  and  loved  him  much, 
A  better  man  could  not  be. 

Old  Minister  Gamble  went  to  preach 

In  the  villages  around, 
Whatever  he  did  was  not  for  hire, 

His  motives  right  pure  were  found. 

At  the  places  where  he  told  his  tale, 
He  had  nought  of  theirs  to  eat, 

The  folks  were  poor  and  so  he  took 
With  him  some  drink  and  meat. 

It  makes  me  laugh  whene'er  I  think 

Of  a  visit  once  he  made, 
To  a  distant  village,  where  I  went  too, — 

I  was  then  a  merry  blade. 

Old  Mrs.  Gamble  prepared  his  prog, 

And  put  it  into  a  cloth  ; 
And  into  a  bottle  some  Galker  pour'd 

Disposed  to  ferment  and  froth. 

Thought  I,  that  Galker  will  cause  a  stir, 
When  the  bottle  has  got  heat, 

There  will  be  strife  between  cork  and  beer, 
And  I  well  know  which  will  beat. 


*  Galker  is  very  new  Beer  in  a  state  of  fermentation. 


238 


THE    BOOK   Of 

We  reached  the  house  of  Richard  Wild, 

The  room  was  full  of  folk, 
Attracted  there  by  the  good  old  man, 

Who  thus  began  to  talk : — 

'  In  Matthew's  gospel  find  my  text, 
Chapter  nine,  verse  seventeen  ; 

'  No  man  new  wine  will  ever  put 
Into  bottles  old  and  mean.'' 

'  Should  he  do  so,  the  gaseous  force, 
Will  the  bottles  rend  in  twain  ; 

The  precious  Juice  will  all  be  lost ; 
At  which  Tee-totallers  would  be  fain.' 

'  My  brethren,  don't  you  see  from  this, 

Your  hearts  are  old  and  bad, 
And  sacred  things  they  cannot  hold 

Till  new  ones  they  are  made.' 

On  other  topics  friend  Gamble  dwelt, 

And  earnestly  did  speak, 
While  the  Galker  in  the  bottle  work'd, 

And  then  began  to  squeak. 

It  was  in  his  pocket  by  his  side, 

A  place  that  was  not  so  fit, 
It  squeak'd  again,  more  loudly  still, 

Giving  notice  it  would  quit. 

The  people  started  from  their  seats, 

All  full  of  consternation, 
But  none  could  understand  the  noise, 

Produced  by  fermentation. 

To  me  it  was  rare  fun  indeed, 

It  made  me  laugh  and  snort. 
And  more  so  when  the  cork  flew  out, 

With  a  very  loud  report. 

And  the  frothy  liquor  would  not  rest, 

But  after  the  cork  it  flew, 
And  squirted  the  people  in  the  room, — 

My  word,  there  was  a  stew. 

Old  Richard  Mild  received  the  cork, 

Upon  the  tip  of  his  nose; 
The  fright  displaced  poor  Gamble's  wig, 

And  the  beer  wet  ull  his  clothes. 

I  laughed  aloud— who  could  refrain? 

It  might  have  been  a  lark ; 
I  laugh  d— the  Galker  put  out  the  lights, 

And  left  us  all  in  the  dark. 


\  :   S    AM)    AMUSEMENT.  239 

Aud  when  the  candles  were  lighted  again, 

I  could  not  but  laugh  outright, 
To  see  parson  and  people  wiping  off 

The  Galker  with  all  their  might. 

Old  Parson  Gamble  then  explained 

The  cause  of  the  commotion, 
Which  turned  the  service  of  that  night 

Into  a  frothy  devotion. 

1  Brethren,  there's  a  place  for  ev'ry  thing, 

Ev'ry  thing  be  in  its  place, 
If  I  had  regarded  that  to-night 

I  should  not  be  in  disgrace.' 

'  Now  learn  from  the  text  a  lesson  good, 

By  the  Galker  amplified, 
In  the  bottle  there  was  not  room  enough, 

And  the  beer  could  not  abide !' 

'Your  hearts  are  not  prepar'd  for  good, 

Of  sin  they're  full,  no  doubt, 
And  if  good  things  you  should  put  there, 

The  evil  will  kick  them  out.' 


A  Touching  Story. — Hon.  A.  H.  Stephens,  of  Ga,  in  a  recent 
address  at  a  meeting  iu  Alexandria,  for  the  benefit  of  the  Orphan  Asy- 
lum and  Free  School  in  that  city,  related  the  following  anecdote: — 'A 
poor  little  boy,  in  a  cold  night  in  June,  with  no  home  or  roof  to  shelter 
his  head,  no  parental  or  maternal  guardian  or  guide  to  protect  or  di- 
rect him  on  his  way,  reached  the  house  of  a  rich  painter,  who  took 
him,  fed,  lodged,  and  sent  him  on  his  way  with  his  blessing.  Those 
kind  attentions  cheered  his  heart,  and  inspired  him  with  fresh  courage 
to  battle  with  the  obstacles  of  life.  Years  rolled  on;  Providence  led 
him  on  ;  he  had  reached  the  legal  profession  ;  his  host  had  died  ;  the 
cormorants  that  prey  on  the  substance  of  man  had  formed  a  conspi- 
racy to  get  from  the  widow  her  estates.  She  sent  for  the  nearest 
counsel  to  commit  her  cause  to  him,  and  that  counsel  proved  to  be  the 
orphan  boy  years  before  welcomed  and  entertained  by  her  and  her 
deceased  husband.  The  stimulus  of  a  warm  and  tenacious  gratitude 
was  now  added  to  the  ordinary  motives  connected  with  the  profession. 
He  undertook  her  cause  with  a  will  not  easily  to  be  resisted  ;  he  gained 
it;  the  widow's  estates  were  secured  to  her  in  perpetuity  ;  and,'  Mr. 
Stephens  added,  with  an  emphasis  of  emotion  that  sent  its  electric 
thrill  throughout  the  house,  '  that  orphan  boy  now  stands  before  you !' 


Miseries  of  Authors. — 'Now  then,  Thomas,  what  are  you 
burning  off  my  writing  table  there  ?'  '  Only  the  paper  what's  writ- 
ten all  over,  sir ;  I  aint  touched  the  clean.' 


240  THE   BOOK  OF 

Tee-Totalism. — Miss  Martineau  relates  an  anecdote,  iu  her 
Western  Travels,  of  a  clergyman,  who  was  so  strict  a  temperance 
member  that  he  refused  to  drink  water  out  of  the  Brandvwine  river, 
but  enjoyed  the  wine  sauce  eaten  with  plum-pudding. 


An  Old  Maid's  Will.— A  maiden  lad  ,  who  died  in  London 
in  1786,  left  the  following  singular  legacies  in  her  will. 

"Item.  1  Leave  to  my  dear  entertaining  .5  ickoo  (a  monkey,) 
£10  per  annum  during  his  natural  life,  to  be  expended  yearly  for 
his  support." 

"Item.  To  Shock  and  Tib  (a  lapdog  and  a  cat,)  £.">  each  for 
their  annual  subsistence  during  life,  but  should  it  so  happen  that 
Shock  die  before  Tib,  or  Tib  before  Shock,  then,  and  in  that  case, 
the  survivor  to  have  the  whole." 

The  legacies  in  remainder,  were  bequeathed  to  her  niece. 


SHERIDAN. 

As  Mr.  Sheridan  was  travelling  to  town  in  one  of  the  public  coaches 
for  the  purpose  of  canvassing  Westminster,  at  the  time  when  Mr.  Paul 
was  his  opponent,  he  found  himself  in  company  with  two  Westminster 
electors.  In  the  course  of  conversation,  one  of  them  asked  his  friend 
to  whom  he  meant  to  give  his  vote?  The  other  replied.  "To  Paul, 
certainly  ;  for,  though  I  think  him  but  a  shabby  sort  of  fellow,  I  would 
vote  for  any  one  rather  than  that  rascal  Sheridan  !"  "Do  you  know 
Sheridan?"  inquired  the  stranger.  "Not  I,  sir,"  was  the  answer, 
"nor  should  I  wisli  to  know  him."  The  conversation  dropped  here; 
but  when  the  party  alighted  to  breakfast,  Sheridan  called  aside  the 
other  gentleman  and  said,  "  Pray  who  is  that  very  agreeable  friend  of 
your's?  He  is  one  of  the  pleasantest  fellows  I  ever  met  with;  and  I 
should  be  glad  to  know  his  name?"  "  His  name  is  Mr.  T.  ;  he  is  an 
eminent  lawyer,  and  resides  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields."  Breakfast  over, 
the  party  resumed  tluir  seats  in  the  coach  ;  soon  after  which,  Sheridan 
turned  the  discourse  to  the  law.  "  It  is,"  said  he,  "a  fine  profession. 
Men  may  rise  from  it  to  the  highest  eminence  in  the  state,  and  it  gives 
vast  scope  to  the  display  of  talent ;  many  of  the  most  virtuous  and 
noble  characters  recorded  in  our  history  have  been  lawyers.  I  am 
sorry,  however,  to  add,  that  some  of  the  greatest  rascals  have  also 
been  lawyers;  hut  of  all  the  rascals  of  lawyers  I  ever  heard  of,  the 
greatest  is  one  T.,  who  lives  in  Lincoln's  Inn  Fields."  The  gentleman, 
fired  at  the  charge,  said  very  angrily,  "I  am  Mr.  T  ,  sir."     "And  I 

am  Mr.  Sheridan,"  was  the  reply.  The  jest  Was  instantly  seen;  they 
shook  hands,  and  instead  of  voting  against  the  facetious  orator,  the 
lawyer  exerted  himself  warmly  in  promoting  his  eleetion. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  241 

SCOTCH  SHREWDNESS. 

As  two  military  officers,  of  the  sister  countries  of  Ireland  and 
Scotland,  weir  passing  along  Piccadilly,  their  attention  was  ar- 
rested by  a  pretty  girl  at  work  with  her  needle,  behind  the  counter 
of  a  Magazine  des  Modes.  The  Hibernian  instantly  proposed  to 
go  into  the  shop,  and  purchase  some  trifle  by  way  of  excuse  for 
obtaining  a  nearer  inspection  of  the  fair  damsel.  'Hoot,  awa', 
man,'  said  the  equally  curious  hut  more  economical  Scot,  'there's 
na  occasion  to  throw  awa'  siller  ;  let's  gang  in,  and  ask  change  o' 
twa  sixpences  for  a  shilling!' 


Distress  Defined. — A  poor  Yankee,  upon  being  asked  (he 
nature  of  Ids  distress,  replied,  '  that  he  had  five  outs  and  one  in.' 
— to  Wit: — 'o««  of  money,  and  out  of  clothes;  out  at  the  heels, 
and  out  at  the  toes  ;  out  of  credit,  and  in  debt.' 


A  countryman  going  into  the  office  of  the  commons  where  the 
wills  are  kept,  and  gazing  on  the  huge  volumes  on  the  shelves, 
.tit  they  were  all  bibles?  '  No,  sir '  answered  one  of  the  clerk's 
'  they  are  testaments.' 


Second.  Thoughts  are  Best— The  following  singular  cirenm- 

stanc  occurred  on  a  Sunday  in  the  month  of  November,  1816,  in 
the  church  of  Seaford.  The  clergyman,  whilst  publishing  the 
bands,  on  coming  to  the  names  of  a  pair  of  neighbouring  rustics, 
was  suddenly  surprised  by  an  interruption  from  one  of  the  congre- 
gation, who  loudly  bawled  out,  "  1  forbid  the  wedding.'  On  being 
desired  to  retire  to  the  vestry,  he  was  asked  if  he  was  a  relation  of 
either  of  the  parties  ?  "  No,  no,"  replied  Hodge,  "  I'm  the  bride- 
groom himself;  but  having  learned  that  Ciss  has  a  tongue  that, 
alter  marriage,  will  run  faster  than  the  clack  of  her  master's  mill, 
1  am  resolved  to  be  off;  so  your  reverence  may  marry  her  your- 
self, if  you  please." 


Laziness. — A  father  asked  his  lazy  son,  what  made  him  lie  in 
bed  so  long.  '  I  am  busied,'  said  he,  'in  hearing  counsel  ei  ry 
morning.  Industry  advises  me  to  get  up,  sloth  to  lie  still,  and 
so  they  give  me  twenty  reasons  for  and  against.  It  is  my  part 
to  hear  what  is  said  on  both  sides,  and  by  the  time  the  cause  is 
over,  dinner  is  read  v. 

P 


242  THE    BOOK   OF 

Spenser's  Fairy  Queen.— When  Spenser  had  finished  his 
famous  poem  of  the  Fairy  Queen,  he  carried  it  to  the  Earl  of  South- 
ampton, the  great  patron  of  the  poets  of  that  day.  The  manuscript 
heing  sent  up  to  the  Earl,  he  read  a  few  pages,  and  then  ordered 
his  servant  to  give  the  writer  twenty  pounds.  Heading  on,  he 
cried  in  a  rapture,  "  Cany  that  man  another  twenty  pounds." 
Proceeding  farther,  he  exclaimed,  "  Give  him  twenty  pounds  more." 
But  at  length  he  lust  all  patience,  and  said,  "  Go  turn  that  fellow 
out  of  the  house,  for  if  I  read  farther,  I  shall  be  ruined." 


A  POPE  INNOCENT. 

When  King  James  i.  visited  Sir  Thomas  Pope,  Knt.   in  Ox- 
fordshire, his  lady  had  lately  brought  him  a  daughter,  and  the  babe 
was  presented  to  the  king  with  a  paper  of  verses  in  her  hand  ; 
'•  which,"  quoth  Fuller,  "  as  they  pleased  the  king,  I  hope  they  will 
ase  the  reader." 

See  this  little  mistress  here 
Did  never  sit  in  Peter's  chair 
Or  a  triple  crown  did  wear, 

And  yet  she  is  a  Pope. 

No  benefice  she  ever  sold, 

Nor  did  dispense  with  sins  for  gold, 

She  hardly  is  a  Be'nnijrbt  old, 

And  yet  she  is  a  Pope. 

No  king1  her  feet  did  ever  kiss, 

Or  had  from  her  worse  look  than  this; 

Nor  did  she  ever  hope 

To  6aint  one  with  a  rope, 

And  yet  she  is  a  Pope. 

A  female  Pope,  you'll  say,  a  second  Joan 
No,  sure  she  is  Pope  Innocent,  or  none  ! 


An  Irishman,  a  short  time  since,  bade  an  extraordinary  price  for 
an  alarm  clock,  and  gave  as  a  reason,  '  That,  as  he  loved  to  rise 
early,  he  had  now  nothing  to  do  but  pull  the  string,  and  he  could 
wake  himself.' 


An  Irish  Gentleman  recently  remarked,  that  sucli  probably 
would  soon  lie  the  speed  of  travelling  by  steam,  that  one  could  go 
from  London  to  Brighton,  in  a  shorter  time  than  lie  could  stop  at 
home. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  2-l:j 

A  good  story  is  told  of  a  Connecticut  parson.  His  country  par- 
ish raised  his  salary  from  300  dollars  to  400  dollars.  The  pood 
man  objected,  for  three  reasons.  'First,'  said  he,  'because  you 
can't  afford  to  give  more  than  three  hundred  ;  second,  because  my 
preaching  isn't  worth  more  than  three  hundred  ;  third,  because  I 
have  to  collect  my  salary,  which  heretofore  has  been  the  hardest 
part  of  my  labours  among  you.  If  1  have  to  collect  an  additional 
hundred,  it  will  kill  me!' 


A  Fit  of  Desperation  ! — A  young  man  at  Niagara,  hiring 
been  crossed  in  love,  walked  out  to  the  precipice,  took  off  his 
clothes,  gave  one  lingering  look  at  the  gulf  beneath  him,  and  then 
went — home  !     His  body  was  found  next  morning  in  bed. 


SAM  SLICK'S  'PRIVATE  MEETIN'. 

'Thinks  I  to  myself,  Sam,  you'd  better  be  a  movin'  too.  You're 
gettin'  over  head  and  ears  in  love  as  fast  as  you  can,  and  as  soft  as  if 
you  never  seed  a  g-al  afore.  So,  says  I,  'Sophy,  sposin'  Mary  and 
you  and  I  take  a  walk  down  to  the  beach,  and  I  will  send  a  note  on 
hoard  to  the  captain.'  And  I  took  out  a  pencil,  and  wrote  to  him  an 
invite.  Well,  as  soon  as  she  went  to  get  ready,  I  called  a  council  of 
war,  and  held  a  private  meetin'  between  my  head  and  my  heart.  So 
I  puts  my  elbows  on  the  table,  and  clasps  my  face  in  my  hands,  and 
opened  the  session.  'Sam,'  says  I,  'what  do  you  think  of  this  galV 
— 'She's  handsome  enough  to  eat.' — 'Will  she  do  for  transplantin'  to 
Saekville?' — 'The  identical  thing.' — 'What  do  you  intend  to  do?' — 
'  Well,  that's  exactly  what  I  want  to  know.' — '  Will  she  take  you?' — 
'  It's  more  than  I  can  tell.' — '  You  aint  a  Blue  Nose.' — '  I'm  glad  of  it.' 
— 'You're  a  clockrnaker.' — *I  aint  ashamed  of  it;  and  if  she  is,  she's 
a  fool.' — 'You  aint  young.' — 'That's  a  fact.' — 'Not  much  looks  to  brag 
on.' — 'That's  true., — 'And  talk  Yankee  into  the  bargain.' — 'I  can't 
help  it.' — 'Well,  you've  wrote  books.' — 'Let  her  take  the  books  then 
and  leave  me.' — 'But  aint  she  the  finest  gal  you  ever  did  lay  eyes  on V 
— 'And  the  sweetest?' — 'Lick!' — 'And  modest,  and  all  that?'— 'Yes, 
all  that,  and  the  double  of  that  multiplied  by  ten.' — '  Up,  then,  and  at 
her  like  a  man.' — 'What,  give  up  all  my  prudence?  Love  ">n  half  a 
day's  acquaintance,  and  have  all  the  rest  of  my  life  to  finu  out  her 
faults?  Women  aint  horses,  and  they  want  to  be  put  through  their 
paces,  and  have  their  tempers  tried.  If  I'm  took  in,  it  will  be  myself 
that  did  it:  and  that  aint  like  Sam  Slick,  is  it?' — '  Well,  it  aint,  that's 
a  fact.' — 'What  a  cussed  tiling  love  is  !  It  puts  you  in  a  twitteration 
all  over,  just  when  you  ought  to  be  cool,  and  turns  a  wise  man  into  a 
born  fool.  Sleep  on  it.'—'  You've  just  hit  it,'  says  I.  '  Now  you  talk 
sense  ;  you  are  jjettin'  to  be  yourself  again.' 


244  THE   BOOK  OF 

School  Scene.—"  Boy,  you  seem  to  be  quite  smart— altogether 
too  smart  for  this  school;  can  you  tell  me  how  many  six  black 
beans  are  ?' — '  Yes,  sir,  half-a-dozen.' 

'  Well,  how  many  are  half-a-dozen  of  white  beans?' — '  Six.' 

'  Tremendous  smart  boy  !  Now  tell  me  now  many  white  beans 
there  are  in  six  black  ones?' 

'  Half-a-dozen,  if  you  shin  'em  !' 

Tn  consequence  of  this  answer,  the  scholar  escaped  being  skin- 
ned himself. 


Tailors  Defended. — A  tailor  possesses  the  qualities  of  nine 
men  combined  in  one,  as  will  be  seen  by  the  following: — 

1 .  As  an  economist,  he  always  cuts  his  coat  according  to  his 
cloth. 

2.  As  a  gardener,  he  is  careful  of  his  cabbage. 

3.  As  a  sailor,  he  sheers  off  whenever  it  is  proper. 

4.  As  a  play-actor,  he  often  brandishes  a  bare  bodkin. 

5.  As  a  lawyer,  he  attends  many  suits. 

6.  As  an  executioner,  he  supplies  suspenders  and  gallowses  for 
many  persons. 

7.  As  a  cook,  he  is  generally  furnished  with  a  warm  goose. 

8.  As  a  sheriff,  he  does  much  sponging. 

9.  As  a  rational  member  of  society,  his  great  aim  is  to  form 
good  habits  for  the  benefit  of  himself. 


SHUT  THE  DOOR. 

Dean  Swift,  though  a  good  master,  was  very  rigid  with  his  ser- 
^  ;ints.  The  task  of  hiring  them  was  always  entrusted  to  his  house- 
keeper; but  the  only  two  positive  commands  be  bad  for  them,  he 
generally  delivered  himself;  these  were,  to  shut  the  door  whenever 
they  came  into,  or  went  out  of,  a  room.  One  of  his  maid  servants 
,  :  day  asked  permission  to  go  to  her  sister's  wedding,  at  a  place 
about  ten  miles  distant.  Swill  not  only  consented,  but  lent  her 
one  of  his  own  horses,  and  ordered  his  servant  to  ride  before  her. 
The  girl,  in  the  ardour  of  her  joy  for  this  favour,  forgot  to  shut 
the  door  after  her,  when  she  left  the  room.  In  about  a  quarter  of 
an  hour  afterwards,  the  Dean  sent  a  servanl  after  her,  to  order  her 
immediate  return  ;  the  poor  girl  complied.and  entering  his  presence, 

begged  to  know  in  what  she  offended,  or  what  her  master  wished. 
'Only  shut  the  door,'  said  the  Dean,  'and  then  resume  your  jour- 
ney.' 


FUN   AN' I)  AMUSEMENT.  215 

You  have  left  your  bow  behind  you,  miss,'  said  the  con  dm  i  r 
of  an  omnibus  to  a  damsel  who  was  stepping  out  of  his  vehicle,  and 
from  whose  bonnet  a  small  portion  of  the  ribbon  had  fallen.  'I 
am  aware  of  it,'  was  the  innocent  reply  ;   '  he  has  gone  a  fishing.' 


Wisdom  — There  are  some  folks  who  think  a  good  deal  and 
say  hut  little,  and  they  are  wise  folks;  and  there  are  others  again, 
who  blart  right  out  whatever  comes  uppermost,  and  I  guess  they 
are  pretty  considerable  superfine  darned  fools. 


Little  People. — The  littler  folks  be,  the  biggav  they  talk. 
You  never  seed  a  small  man  that  didn't  wear  high  heel  boots,  and 
a  high  crowned  hat,  and  that  warn't  ready  to  fight  most  any  one, 
to  show  he  was  a  man  every  inch  of  him. 


Brougham  and  Lyndhurst. —  Brougham,  speaking  of  the  sal- 
ary attached  to  the  rumoured  appointment  to  the  new  judgeship, 
said  it  was  all  moonshine.  Lyndhurst,  in  his  dry  and  waggish 
way,  remarked:  '  May  be  so,  my  lord  Harry;  but  I  have  a  con- 
founded strong  notion  that,  moonshine  though  it  be,  you  would 
like  to  see  the  first  quarter  of  it!' 


Perfumed  Ladies. — Did  you  ever  travel  in  an  omnibus  on  a 
rainy  day,  windows  and  doors  closed,  eight  on  a  side — limited,  of 
course,  to  six — and  among  that  number  two  women  covered  with 
musk?  'Drivare!'  said  a  Frenchman,  'let  me  come  out  of  ze 
dore !  I  am  suffocate !  You  'ave  vat  you  call  one  musty  rat  in  ze 
omzebus!  I  am  no  parapluie,  mais  I  prefare  ze  rain-water  to  ze 
mauvais  smell !' 


Alexander  Cruden.— Alexander  Cruden,  the  eccentric  author 
of  '  the  Concordance,'  was  very  intimate  with  the  famous  Dr. 
Bradbury,  a  zealous  dissenting  clergyman.  The  doctor  had  one 
evening  prepared  an  excellent  supper  for  several  friends;  at  the 
moment  it  was  served  on  the  table,  Mr.  Cruden  made  his  appear- 
ance in  the  room,  heated  with  walking.  The  doctor's  favourite 
dish,  a  turkey,  was  smoking  at  one  end  of  the  table,  and  before  the 
company  could  be  seated,  Cruden  advanced,  put  back  his  wig,  and 
with  both  hands  plunged  in  the  gravy,  he  calmly  washed  his  hands 
and  his  face  over  the  bird,  to  the  no  small  mortification  of  the  doc- 
tor and  his  company. 


246  THE    BOOK   OF 

A  Yankee  and  a  Frenchman  owned  a  pig  in  co-partnership. 
When  killing  time  came,  they  wished  to  divide  the  carcase.  The 
Yankee  was  very  anxious  to  divide  so  that  he  would  get  both  hind 
quarters,  and  persuaded  the  Frenchman  that  the  proper  way  to 
divide  was  to  cut  it  across  the  hack.  The  Frenchman  agreed  to 
it  on  condition  that  the  Yankee  would  turn  his  back  and  take 
choice  of  the  pieces  after  it  was  cut  in  two.  The  Yankee  turned 
his  back,  and  the  Frenchman  said — •  Vich  piece,  vil  you  have  ;  ze 
piece  wid  ze  tail  on  him  or  ze  piece  vat  aint  got  no  tail  ?' — 'The 
piece  with  the  tail!'  shouted  the  Yankee  instantly. — '  Den  by  gar 
you  can  take  him,  and  I  take  ze  oder  one,'  said  the  Frenchman. 
Upon  turning  around,  the  Yankee  found  that  the  Frenchman  had 
cut  off  all  the  tail  and  stuck  it  into  the  pig's  mouth. 


Offspring  of  a  Chemical  Wedding-.— As  a  sample  of  the 
poetry  of  science,  take  the  following : 

Messrs.  "Water  and  Oil 

One  day  had  a  broil, 
As  down  in  the  glass  they  were  dropping ; 

And  would  not  unite, 

But  continued  to  fight, 
Without  any  prospect  of  stopping. 

Mr.  Pearlaah  o'erheard, 

And  quick  as  a  word, 
He  junip'd  in  the  midst  of  the  clashing; 

When  all  three  agreed, 

And  united  with  speed, 
And  Soap  came  out  ready  for  washing. 


Novel  Courtship. — I  courted  her  under  singular  circum- 
stances. I  won  her  through  a  rash  vow.  Tims:  J  saw  her — I 
loved  her — I  proposed— she  refused.  '  You  love  another,' said  I. — 
'  Spare  my  blushes,'  ••-aid  she.  '  I  know  him,'  said  I. — '  You  do!' 
said  she.  'Very  good,'  I  exclaimed;  'if he  remain  here  I'll  skin 
him.'      1  wrote  liini  a  note.      1  said  it  was  a  painful   thing,  and  SO 

it  was.    I  said  1  had  pledged  my  word  as  a  gentleman  to  skin  him ; 

my  character  was  at  stake,  1  had  no  alternative.  As  an  officer  in 
her  Majesty's  service,  I  was  bound  to  doit.  1  regretted  the  necessi- 
ty, but  it  must  be  done,  lie  was  open  to  conviction.  He  saw  that 
the  rules  of  the  service  were  imperative.  He  fled — 1  married  her. 
— Cai»t.  Tigeu. 


FUN    AND   AMUSEMENT.  247 

Ghosts-— 'Do  you  believe  in  ghosts,  Mrs.  Partington?'  was 
asked  of  the  old  lady,  somewhat  timidly. — '  To  he  sure  I  do,'  re- 
pled  she,  'as  much  as  I  believe  that  bright  fulminary  there  will 
rise  in  the  yeast  to-morrow  morning,  if  we  live  and  nothing  hap- 
pens. Two  apprehensions  have  sartinly  appeared  in  our  family. 
Why,  I  saw  my  dear  Paul,  a  fortnight  before  he  died,  with  my 
own  eyes,  jest  as  plain  as  I  see  you  now,  and  it  turned  out  arter- 
wavds  to  be  a  rose-bush  with  a  nightcap  on  it,  I  shall  always  think, 
to  the  day  of  my  desolation,  that  it  was  a  forerunner  sent  to  me. 
'Tother  one  came  in  the  night  when  we  were  asleep,  and  carried 
away  three  candles  and  a  pint  of  spirits,  that  we  kept  in  the  house 
for  an  embarkation.  Believe  in  ghosts,  indeed !  I  guess  I  do, 
aod  he  must  be  a  dreadful  styptic  as  doesn't.' 


Two  men  were  conversing  about  the  ill-humour  of  their  wives. 
"  Ah  !"  said  one,  with  a  sorrowful  expression,  "  mine  is  a  Tartar !" 
"Well,"  replied  the  other,  'mine  is  worse  than  all  that— mine  is 
the  Cream  of  Tartar !' 


A  Waggish  fellow,  somewhat  troubled  with  an  impediment  in 
his  speech  while  one  day  sitting  at  a  public  table  had  occasion 
to  use  a  pepper-box.  After  shaking  it  with  all  due  vehemence,  and 
turning  it  in  various  ways,  he  found  that  the  crushed  peppercorns 
were  in  nowise  inclined  to  come  forth.  '  T-t-th-this  p-pe-pepper- 
box,'  he  exclaimed,  with  a  facetious  grin,  '  is  so-some-something 
li-like  myself.' — '  Why  so  ?'  interrogated  a  neighbour.  '  P-poo- 
poor  delivery,'  was  the  reply. 


A  Humorous  old  man  fell  in  with  an  ignorant  and  rather  im- 
pertinent young  minister,  who  proceeded  to  inform  the  old  gentle- 
man in  very  positive  terms  that  he  would  never  reach  heaven  un- 
less he  was  born  again  ;  and  added,  '  I  have  experienced  that 
change,  and  now  feel  no  anxiety.'  '  And  have  you  been  born 
again  ?'  said  his  companion,  musingly.  '  Yes,  I  trust  I  have." 
'  Well,'  said  the  gentleman,  eyeing  him  attentively,  '  I  don't  think 
it  would  hurt  you,  young  man,  to  be  born  once  more.' 


It  was  the  opinion  of  the  ancients  that  Echo  was  a  maiden 
who  pined  away  for  love,  till  nothing  but  her  voice  was  left.  It  is 
characteristic  that  the  last  thing  belonging  to  a  woman  which  sur- 
vives should  be  her  tongue. 


248  THE   BOOK   OF 

The  Lasses. — There  is  a  whole  alphabet  of  love  in  her  bright 
sparkling-  eyes  ;  her  marble  brow,  swan-like  neck,  and  round  taper- 
ing limbs,  combine  to  make  an  exquisite  subject  for  the  poet,  pain- 
ter, and  sculptor;  and  then  that  mouth  of  hers  ! — when  the  winds 
of  passion  are  at  rest,  how  much  it  resembles  a  half-blown  rose  in 
a  mild  morning  in  June! — and  when  trans-shaped  to  a  smile, how 
very  like  to  the  bow  of  the  little  naughty  god  Cupid  !  Ah,  who 
could  ever  suspect  its  being  an  aperture  for  pork  and  beans 
and  apple  dumplings? — Yankee  Humour. 


THE  IRISH  EMIGRANT. 

I  met  an  Irishman,  one  Pat  Lannigan,  last  week,  who  bad  just  re- 
turned from  the  states;  why,  says  I,  Pat,  what  on  earth  brought  you 
back?  Bad  luck  to  them,  says  Pat,  if  I  warn't  properly  bit.  What 
do  you  get  a  day  in  Nova  Scotia?  says  Judge  Beler  to  me.  Four  shil- 
ling's, your  Lordship,  says  I.  There  are  no  Lords  here,  says  he,  we 
are  all  free.  Well,  says  he,  I'll  give  you  as  much  in  one  day  as  you 
can  earn  there  in  two  ;  I'll  give  you  eight  shillings.  Long  life  to  your 
Lordship,  says  I.  So  next  day  to  it  I  went  with  a  party  of  men  a-dig- 
ging  a  piece  of  canal,  and  if  it  wasn't  a  hot  day  my  name  is  not  Pal 
Lannigan.  Presently  I  looked  up  and  straightened  my  haclc,  says  I 
to  a  comrade  of  mine,  Mick,  says  I,  I'm  very  dry;  with  that,  says  the 
overseer,  we  don't  allow  gentlemen  to  talk  at  their  work  in  this  coun- 
try. Faith,  I  soon  found  out  for  my  two  days'  pay  in  one,  I  had  to 
do  two  day's  work  in  one,  and  pay  two  weeks'  board  in  one,  and  at 
the  end  of  a  month,  I  found  myself  no  better  off  in  pocket  than  in 
Nova  Scotia,  while  the  devil  a  bone  in  my  body  that  didn't  ache  with 
pain,  and  as  for  my  nose,  it  took  to  bleeding,  and  bled  day  and  night 
entirely.  Upon  my  soul,  Mr.  Slick,  said  be,  the  poor  labourer  docs 
not  last  long  in  your  country;  what  with  new  rum,  bard  labour,  ami 
hot  weather,  you'll  see  the  graves  of  the  Irish  each  side  of  the  canals, 
for  all  the  world  like  two  rows  of  potatoes  in  a  field  that  have  forgot 
to  come  up. 

A  Gentleman  having  asked,  •  How  many  dog-days  there  were 
in  a  year?'  received  for  an  answer,  that  it  was  impossible  to  num- 
ber them,  '.as  every  dog  has  his  day.' 


'  VVriiAT  can  a  man  do?'  asked  a  green' un,  when  a  sheriff's  offi- 
cer was  seen  coming  up  to  him  with  a  writ  in  his  hand. — 'Apply 
the  remedy,'  said  another,  gruffly. — 'Apply  the  remedy!  what 
kind  of  remedy  ?' — '  Heel-ing  remedy,  you  goose  ruu  like  a  race- 
horse ' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  249 

AN  OLD  STORY. 

There  was  Jim  Munroe  of  Onion  County,  Connecticut,  a  desperate 
idle  fellow,  a  great  hand  at  singin  songs,  a  skatin,  drivin  about  with 
the  gals,  and  so  on.  Well,  if  any  body's  windows  were  broken,  it 
was  Jim  Munroe — and  if  there  were  any  youngsters  in  want  of  a  fa- 
ther, they  were  sure  to  be  poor  Jim's.  Jist  so  it  is  with  the  lawyers 
here  ;  they  stand  godfathers  for  every  misfortune  that  happens  in  the 
county.  When  there  is  a  mad  dog  a  goin  about,  every  dog  that  barks 
is  said  to  be  bit  by  the  mad  one,  so  he  gets  credit  for  all  the  mischief 
that  every  dog  does  for  three  months  to  come.  So  every  feller  that 
goes  yelpin  home  from  a  court  house,  smartin  from  the  law,  swears 
he  is  bit  by  a  lawyer.  Now  there  may  be  something  wrong  in  all 
these  things,  (and  it  cant  be  otherwise  in  natur,)  in  Council,  Banks, 
House  of  Assembly,  and  Lawyers:  but  change  them  all,  and  its  au 
even  chance  if  you  dont  get  worse  ones  in  their  room.  It  is  in  politics 
as  it  is  in  horses;  when  a  man  has  a  beast  that's  near  about  up  to  the 
notch,  he'd  better  not  swap  him;  if  he  does,  he's  een  almost  sure  to 
get  one  not  so  good  as  his  own.  My  rule  is,  I'd  rather  keep  a  crit- 
ter whose  faults  I  do  know,  than  change  him  for  a  beast  whose  faults 
I  don't  know. 


Too  Late  at  Chnrcll. — I  had  a  servant  with  a  very  deceptive 
name,  Samuel  Moral,  who,  as  if  merely  to  belie  it,  was  in  one 
respect  the  most  immoral,  for  he  was  much  given  to  intoxication. 
This  of  course  brought  on  other  careless  habits  ;  and  as  I  wished 
to  reclaim  him,  if  possible,  I  long  bore  with  him,  and  many  a  lec- 
ture I  gave  him.  '  Oh,  Samuel,  Samuel !'  said  I  to  him  very 
frequently — 'what  will  become  of  you?'  On  one  occasiou  I  told 
him  he  was  making  himself  a  brute,  and  then  only  was  he  roused 
to  reply  angrily. — '  Brute,  sir — no  brute  at  all,  sir — was  bred  and 

born  at  T .'     But  the  incident  which  would  inevitably  have 

upset  the  equilibrium  of  your  gravity,  was  this.  I  bad  given  him 
many  a  lecture  for  being  too  late  at  church,  but  still  I  could  not 
make  him  punctual.  One  Sunday,  as  1  was  reading  the  first  les- 
son, which  happened  to  be  the  third  chapter,  first  book  of  Samuel, 
I  saw  him  run  in  at  the  church-door,  ducking  down  his  head,  that 
he  should  not  be  noticed.  He  made  as  much  haste  as  he  could 
up  into  the  gallery,  and  he  had  no  sooner  appeared  in  the  front, 
thinking  of  nothing  but  that  he  might  escape  observation,  than  I 
came  to  these  words,  '  Samuel,  Samuel.'  I  never  can  forget  his 
attitude,  directly  facing  me.  He  stood  up  in  an  instant,  leaned 
over  the  railing,  with  his  mouth  wide  open,  and  if  some  one  had 
not  pulled  him  down  instantly  by  the  skirt  of  his  coat,  I  have  no 
doubt  he  would  publicly  have  made  his  excuse. 


250  THE   BOOK   OF 

Sam  Patch. — That  ar  man  was  a  great  diver,  says  the  Clockmaker, 
and  the  last  dive  he  took  was  off  the  falls  of  Niagara,  and  he  was  never 
heard  of  agin  till  tother  day,  when  Captain  Enoch  Wentworth,  of  the 
Susy  Ann  Whaler,  saw  him  in  the  South  Sea.  Why,  says  Captain 
Enoch  to  him,  why  Sam,  s  lys  he,  how  on  airth  did  you  get  here?  I 
thought  you  was  drowned  at  the  Canadian  lines.  Why,  says  he,  I 
didn't  get  on  airth  here  at  all,  but  I  came  right  slap  through  it.  In 
that  are  Niagara  dive,  I  went  so  everlasting  deep,  I  thought  it  was 
just  as  short  to  come  up  tother  side,  so  out  I  came  in  those  parts.  If 
I  dont  take  the  shine  off  the  Sea  Serpent,  when  I  get  back  to  Boston, 
then  my  name's  not  Sam  Patch. 


HOW  TO  CURE  A  COUGH. 

One  Biddy  Brown,  a  country  dame, 

As  'tis  by  many  told, 
Went  to  a  doctor  (Drench  by  name) 

For  she  had  caught  a  cold! 

And  sad  indeed  was  Biddy's  pain — 
The  truth  must  be  confess'd — 

Which  she  to  ease  found  all  in  vain, 
For  it  was  at  her  chest. 

The  doctor  heard  her  case — and  then, 

Determined  to  assist  her, 
Prescribed — oh,  tenderest  of  men, 

Upon  her  chest  a  blister  ! 

Away  went  Biddy — and  next  day 

She  call'd  on  Drench  again  : 
•Well,  have  you  used  the  blister,  pray? 

And  has  it  eased  your  pain?' 

•Ay,  zur,'  the  dame  with  curtsey  cries, 

'  Indeed  I  never  mocks; 
But — bless  ye —  I'd  no  chest  the  size, 

So  I  put  it  on  a  box  I 

*  But  la  !  zur,  it  be  little  use, 

It  never  rose  a  bit; 
And  you  may  see  it  if  you  choose, 

For  there  it's  sticking  yet.' 


A  Barrister  observed  to  a  learned  brother  in  court,  the  other 
day,  that  the  wearing  of  whiskers  was  unprofessional.  '  Right,'  re- 
plied his  friend, '  a  lawyer  cannot  be  too  barefaced.' 


FUN   AND   AMUSEMENT.  251 

Impressment.— During  the  time  of  the  American  war,  when 
the  impressment  was  very  severe  in  London,  the  gang  stopped  a 
gentleman's  carriage  with  two  footmen  behind  it,  and  securing 
one  of  them,  began  to  carry  him  off.  The  man  remonstrated  to 
the  lieutenant  on  the  hardship  of  taking  him  in  preference  to  his 
fellow-servant.  '  Avast  there,'  said  the  officer  to  his  men,  'the 
fellow's  right,  they  shall  both  pitch  for  their  beef  alike.'  He  then 
took  a  shilling,  and  then  bade  the  other  servant,  who  remained 
behind  the-  carriage,  call  head  or  tail,  as  he  tossed  it  up.  '  Head,' 
says  the  servant.  '  No,  it's  a  tail,'  exclaimed  the  lieutenant,  'so 
unship  yourself,  and  let  your  messmate  come  aboard  in  your  room  ;' 
which  the  poor  fellow  was  compelled  to  do  and  was  iustantly  march- 
ed off. 


HOW  TO  PREVENT  APPLE-STEALING- 

Our  old  minister  Joshua  Hopewell  had  an  orchard  of  most  particu- 
lar good  fruit,  for  lie  was  a  great  band  at  buddin,  graftin,  and  wbat 
not,  and  the  orchard  (it  was  on  the  south  side  of  the  bouse)  stretched 
right  up  to  the  road.  Well,  there  were  some  trees  hung  over  the  fence, 
I  never  seed  such  bearers,  the  apples  hung  in  ropes,  for  all  the  world 
like  strings  of  onions,  and  the  fruit  was  beautiful.  Nobody  touched 
the  minister's  apples,  and  when  other  folks  lost  theirn  from  the  boys, 
hisn  always  hung  there  like  bait  to  a  hook,  but  there  never  was  so 
much  as  a  nibble  at  em.  So  I  said  to  him  one  day,  Minister,  said  I, 
how  on  airth  do  you  manage  to  keep  your  fruit  that's  so  exposed,  when 
no  one  else  cant  do  it  nohow.  Why,  says  he,  they  are  dreadful  pretty 
fruit,  ant  they  ?  I  guess,  said  I,  there  ant  the  like  on  em  in  all  Con- 
necticut. Well,  says  he,  I'll  tell  you  the  secret,  but  you  needn't  let 
on  to  no  one  about  it.  That  are  row  next  the  fence,  I  grafted  it  my- 
self, I  took  great  pains  to  get  the  right  kind,  I  sent  clean  up  to  Rox- 
berry,  and  away  down  to  Squaw-neck  Creek  (I  was  afeared  he  was 
agoin  to  give  me  day  and  date  for  every  graft,  being  a  terrible  long- 
winded  man  in  his  stories,)  so  says  I,  I  know  that,  minister,  but  bow 
do  you  preserve  them  ?  Why  I  was  a  goin  to  tell  you,  said  he,  when 
you  stopped  me.  That  are  outward  row  I  grafted  myself  with  the 
choicest  kind  I  could  find,  and  I  succeeded.  They  are  beautiful,  but 
bo  etarnal  sour,  no  human  soul  can  eat  them.  Well,  the  boys  think 
the  old  minister's  graftin  has  all  succeeded  about  as  well  as  that  row, 
and  they  reach  no  farther.  They  snicker  at  my  graftin,  and  I  laugh 
in  my  sleeve,  I  guess,  at  their  penetration. 


What  is  the  difference  between  water  and  time? — Water  finds 
its  own  level,  while  time  levels  everything  else. 


252  THE    BOOK   OP 

Odd  Justice. — Two  Quakers  resident  in  Philadelphia,  applied 
to  their  Society,  as  they  do  not  go  to  law,  to  decide  in  the  follow- 
ing difficulty.  A  is  uneasy  about  a  ship  that  ought  to  have  arriv- 
ed, meets  B,  an  usurer,  and  states  his  wish  to  have  the  vessel  in- 
sured—  the  matter  is  agreed  upon — A  returns  home,  and  receives 
a  letter  informing  him  of  the  loss  of  his  ship.  What  shall  he  do  ? 
He  is  afraid  that  the  policy  is  not  filled  up,  and  should  1)  hear  of 
the  matter  soon  it  is  all  over  with  him— he  therefore  writes  to  B 
thus: — '  Friend  B,  if  thee  hasn't  iilled  up  the  policy  thee  needsn't, 
for  I've  heard  of  the  ship.' — '  Oh,  oh  !'  thinks  B  to  himself — '  cun- 
ning fellow — he  wants  to  do  me  out  of  the  premium.'  So  he  writes 
thus  to  A  : — '  Friend  A,  thee  be'est  too  late  by  half  an  hour,  the 
policy  is  iilled.'  A  rubs  his  hands  with  delight — yet  B  refuses  to 
pay.  Well  what  is  the  decision?  The  loss  is  divided  bel  a 
them.  Perhaps  this  is  eveu  handed  justice,  though  unquestionably 
an  odd  decision. 


SLICK'S  OPINION  OF  THE  ENGLISH 

The  English  are  the  boys  for  tradin  with  ;  they  shell  out  their  cash 
like  a  sheaf  of  wheat  in  frosty  weather— it  flies  all  over  the  thrashin 
floor ;  but  then  they  are  a  cross-grained,  ungainly,  kicken  breed  of 
cattle,  as  I  een  a  most  ever  seed.  Whoever  gave  them  the  name  of 
John  Bull,  knew  what  he  was  about,  I  tell  you;  for  they  are  bull- 
neck,  bull-headed  folks,  I  tell  you  ;  sulky,  ugly  tempered,  vicious 
critters,  a  pawin  and  a  roarin  the  whole  time,  and  plaguy  onsafe  unless 
well  watched.  Tliey  are  as  headstrong  as  mules,  and  as  conceited  as 
peacocks. 

There's  no  richer  Bight  that  I  know  of,  said  he,  than  to  see  one  on 
'em  when  he  first  lands  in  one  of  our  great  cities.  He  swells  out  as 
big  as  a  balloon,  his  .skin  is  ready  to  burst  with  wind — a  regular  walk* 
ingbagofgas;  and  he  prances  over  the  pavement  like  a  bear  over 
hot  iron — a  great  awkward  hulk  of  a  fellor,  (for  they  aint  to  be  com- 
pared to  the  French  in  manners,)  a  smirkiu  at  you,  as  much  as  to  - 
Fook  here,  Jonathan,  here's  an  Englishman;  here's  a  hoy  that's  (rot 
blood  as  pure  as  a  Norman  pirate,  and  lots  of  the  blunt  of  both  kinds, 
apcoket  full  of  one,  and  a  mouthful  of  tother:  beant  lie  lovely.''  and 
then  he  looks  as  fierce  as  a  tiger,  as  much  as  to  say,  'say  boo  to  a 
goose,  if  you  dure.' 


The  man  who  was  driven  to  distraction  has  had  tn  walk  back. 


Mus.  Partington  says  one  is  obliged  to  walk  very  circumscnimp- 
liously  in  these  slippery  times. 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  253 

MERCANTILE  QUESTIONS  AND  ANSWERS. 

What  is  double  entry? — Charging  the  same  tiling  twice. 

What  is  single  entry?— Charging  a  man  with  goods,  but  not 
crediting  tbe  cash  for  them. 

What  is  book-keeping? — Forgetting  to  return  borrowed  volumes 

What  is  a  ledger  ? — A  counting  house  companion  upon  which 
people  often  spend  their  fortune, 

What  is  an  inland  draft? — An  easterly  wind. 

What  is  a  foreign  draft? — A  glass  of  cognac. 

What  is  a  promissory  note? — Acceptance  of  an  invitation. 

What  is  a  negotiable  note? — Don't  know — never  could  make 
one. 


TOO  LATE. 

A  country  servant  once  by  untoward  delay  put  a  whole  house 
into  a  terrible  fright,  and  the  silly  fellow  might  have  met  with  a 
serious  injury  himself.  One  day,  bis  mistress  sent  him  to  a  neigh- 
bour's, about  two  miles  distant,  with  her  compliments,  to  inquire 
for  the  lady  of  the  house,  who  had  very  recently  been  confined. 
The  sot,  however,  could  not  pass  a  hamlet  that  lay  in  his  way 
without  indulging  his  favourite  propensity  of  paying  bis  respects 
to  the  public-house.  When  a  drunkard  loses  his  senses  he  is  sure 
to  lose  his  time.  The  first  he  may  recover,  but  never  the  last. 
When  he  came  to  himself,  be  bethought  him  of  his  errand;  but, 
was,  perhaps,  totally  unconscious  of  the  time  lost,  and  had  not 
quite  sufficient  sense  to  make  inquiry  ;  and  tbe  stars  he  never  con- 
templated ;  there  was  always  so  many  more  than  he  could  count. 
But  to  my  neighbour's  gate  he  found  his  way.  He  knocked,  he 
beat,  he  rang,  and  he  halloed— for  now  he  did  not  like  to  waste 
time — and  it  was  two  o'clock  in  the  morning.  The  inmates  were 
all  in  confusion.  'Thieves!  fire!'  was  the  general  cry.  Some 
ran  about  half  clad — some  looked  out  of  the  window — dogs  barked, 
and  women  howled.  The  master  took  his  blunderbuss,  opened  the 
window,  aad  called  out  stoutly,  '  Who's  there!  who's  there  !'  Trin- 
culo  answered,  but  not  very  intelligibly  At  last  the  master  of  the 
house  dresses,  unbolts  and  unbars  bis  doors,  and  with  one  or  two 
men  servants  behind,  boldly  walks  down  the  long-path  to  the  gate. 
4  What's  the  matter — who  are  you  ?'  Trinculo  stammers  out, '  My 
master  and  mistress'  compliments,  and  be  glad  to  know  how  Mrs. 
and  her  baby  is.' 


Suspense  has  been  called  the  tooth-ache  of  the  mind. 


251 


THE    BOOK   OF 


Prima  Facie  Evidence.— Several  years  ago,  and  soon  after 
the  '  anti-licence  law'  came  into  force  in  the  Green  Mountain  State, 
a  traveller  called  in  and  asked  for  a  glass  of  brandy.  '  Don't  keep 
it,' said  Rashe;  'forbidden  by  law  to  sell  liquor  of  any  kind.' 
'The  devil  you  are!'  said  the  stranger  incredulously.  'Such  is 
the  fact,'  said  Rashe  ;  the  house  don't  keep  it.  '  Then  bring  on 
your  oivn  bottle !'  said  the  traveller,  with  decision.  '  You  needn't 
pretend  to  me  that  you  keep  that  face  of  yours  in  repair  on  water!' 
Rashe  laughed  heartily,  and  brought  on  the  'critter.' 


JOHN  ALCOHOL. 


John  Alcohol,  my  joe,  John, 
When  we  were  first  acquaint, 

I'd  siller  in  my  pockets,  John, 
Which  noo,  je  ken,  1  want. 

I  spent  it  all  in  treating,  John, 

Because  I  loved  you  so  ; 
But,  mark  ye,  how  you've  treated  me, 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe, 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe,  John, 

We've  been  o'er  lang  thegither  ; 

Sae  ye  maun  tak'  ae  road,  John, 
And  J  will  lak'anither; 

For  we  maun  tumble  down,  John, 
J  f  hand  and  hand  we  go  ; 

And  1  shall  ha'e  the  bill  to  pay, 
John  Alcohol,  my  joe. 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe,  John, 
Ye've  blear'd  out  a'  my  een, 

And  lighted  up  my  nose,  John, 
A  fiery  si^n  atween. 


My  hands  wi'  palsy  shake,  John; 

My  locks  are  like  the  snow; 
Ye'll  surely  be  the  death  o'  me, 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe. 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe,  John, 

'Twas  love  of  you,  I  ween. 
That  gar't  me  rise  sae  ear,  John, 

And  sit  sae  late  at  e'en. 

The  best  o'  frien's  maun  part,  John — 
It  grieves  me  sair,  ye  know  ; 

But  'we'll  gang  mae  nail  to  yon  tewn,' 
John  Alcohol,  my  joe. 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe,  John, 

Ye've  wrought  me  muckle  skaith  ; 

And  yet  to  part  wi'  you,  John, 
1  own  I'm  unco'  laith  ; 

Butl'll  join  the  Temperance  ranks,  John 

Ye  needna  say  me  no — 
It's  bettor  late  than  ne'er  do  weel, 

John  Alcohol,  my  joe, 


A  Miser. — An  illiterate  personage,  who  always  volunteered  to 
go  round  with  the  hat,  but  was  suspected  of  sparing  his  own  pock- 
et, overhearing  one  day  a  hint  to  that  effect  made  the  following 
speech: — 'Other  gentlemen  put  down  what  they  think  proper, 
and  so  do  I.  Charity's  a  private  concern,  and  what  1  give  is 
nothing  to  nolo(>rj.' 


'I  hate  'a  hear  people  talk  behind  one's  back,'  as  the  robber 
•aid  when '»he  constable  called, '  Stop  thief!' 


FUN  AND  AMUSEMENT.  255 

A  New-Fashiondd  Bedstead— 'The  twopenny  rope,  sir,' 
replied  Mr.  Weller,  'is  just  a  cheap  lodgin'-house,  vere  the  beds 
is  twopence  a  night.' — 'What  do  they  call  a  bed  a  rope  for?' 
said  Pickwick.  — '  Bless  your  innocence,  sir,  that  an't  it,'  replied 
Sam.  '  Ven  the  lady  and  gen'lm'n  as  keeps  the  hot-el,  first  be- 
gun business,  they  used  to  make  the  beds  on  the  floor:  but  this 
wouldn't  do  at  no  price,  'cos  instead  o'  takin  a  moderate  two 
penn'ort  o'  sleep,  the  lodgers  used  to  lie  there  half  the  day.  So 
now  they  has  two  ropes,  '  bout  six  feet  apart,  and  three  from 
the  floor,  which  goes  right  down  the  room ;  and  the  beds  are 
made  of  slips  of  coarse  sacking,  stretched  across  'em.' — 'Well,' 
said  Mr.  Pickwick.— '  Well/  said  Mr.  Weller,  'the  advantage 
o'  the  plan's  hobvious.  At  six  o'clock  every  mornin',  tht:y  lets 
go  the  ropes  at  one  end,  and  down  falls  all  the  lodgers.  Con- 
sequence is,  that  being  thoroughly  waked  they  get  up  wery 
quietly,  and  walk  away  !' 


A   BARGAIN. 

Now  with  regard  to  the  mntter  on  which  I,  with  the  concur- 
rence of  these  gentlemen,  sent  for  you,  said  Mr.  Pickwick. — 
*  That's  the  pint,  sir,'  interposed  Sam  ;  'out  with  it,  as  the  father 
said  to  the  child,  ven  he  swallowed  a  farden.' — '  We  want  to 
know  in  the  first  place,'  said  Mr.  Pickwick,  'whether  you  have 
any  reason  to  be  discontented  with  your  present  situation.' — 
•Afore  I  answers  that  'ere  question,  genTm'n,'  replied  Mr. 
Weller,  'I  should  like  to  know  in  the  first  place,  whether 
you're  a  goin'  to  purwide  me  with  a  better.'  A  sun-beam  of  be- 
nevolence played  on  Mr.  Pickwick's  features  as  he  said,  '  I  have 
half  made  up  my  mind  to  engage  you  myself.' — '  Have  you 
though  ?'  inquired  Sam.  Mr.  Pickwick  nodded  in  the  affirm- 
ative.—'  Wages  ?'  said  Sam. — 'Twelve  pounds  a  year,'  replied 
Mr.  Pickwick.—'  Clothes?'—'  Two  suits,'—'  Work  ?'— '  To 
attend  upon  me ;  and  to  travel  about  with  me  and  these  gen- 
tlemen here.'  — '  Take  the  bill  down,'  said  Sam,  emphatically. 
'I'm  let  to  a  single  gentleman  and  the  terms  is  agreed  upon.'  — 
'You  accept  the  situation?'  inquired  Mr.  Pickwick.—'  Cert'n- 
ly,'  replied  Sam.  'If  the  clothes  fits  me  half  as  well  as  the 
price,  they'll  do.' 


1  Miss,  will  you  take  my  arm  ?' — '  La !  yes,  and  you  too.' — 
'  Can  only  spare  the  arm,  Miss,'  hastily  replied  the  bachelor. 
'  Theu'  said  Miss,  '  I  can't  take  it,  as  my  motto  is  to  go  the 
whole  hog,  or  not  at  all.' 


256  TIIE    BOOK   OF   FUN. 

'Though  lost  to  sight,  to  memory  dear,'  as  James  said,  wlien 
Brown  ran  off,  and  left  Jones  to  pay  his  bill 


Change. — A  lady  who  was  very  modest  and  submissive  before 
marriage,  was  observed  by  a  frieud  to  use  her  tongue  pretty  freely 
after. — '  There  was  a  time  when  I  almost  imagined  she  had  none.' 
— '  Yes,'  said  the  husband  with  a  sigh,  '  but  its  very  long  since.' 


A  few  years  ago,  a  farmer  stopped  at  a  tavern  on  his  way 
from  Boston  to  Salem.  The  landlady  had  got  the  pot  boiling  for 
dinner,  and  the  cat  was  washing  her  face  in  the  corner.  The 
traveller  took  off  the  pot-lid,  and  put  grimalkin  into  the  pot,  with 
the  potatoes,  and  then  pursued  his  journey  to  Salem.  The  amaze- 
ment of  the  landlady  may  well  be  conceived,  when,  on  taking  up 
her  dinner,  she  discovered  the  addition  that  had  been  made  to  it. 
Knowing  well  the  disposition  of  her  customer,  she  had  no  difficul- 
ty in  fixing  on  the  aggressor,  and  she  determined  to  be  revenged. 
Aware  that  he  would  stop  on  his  return  for  a  cold  bite,  the  cat  was 
carefully  dressed.  The  wag  called,  and  pussy  was  put  upon  the 
table,  but  was  so  disguised  that  he  did  not  know  his  old  acquaint- 
ance. He  made  a  hearty  meal,  and  washed  it  down  with  a  glass 
of  gin.  After  paying  his  bill,  lie  asked  the  landlady  if  she  had  a 
cat  she  could  give  him.  She  said  she  could  not,  for  she  had  lost 
hers. — '  What  ?'  said  he, '  don't  you  know  where  she  is  ?' — '  O,  yes,' 
replied  the  landlady,  'you  have  just  eaten  it!' 


Genuine  Laziness. — A  young  farmer,  inspecting  his  father's 
concerns  in  the  time  of  hay-harvest,  found  a  body  of  the  mowers 
asleep,  when  they  should  have  been  at  work.  'What  is  this?' 
cried  the  youth  ;  '  Why,  bless  me,  you  are  so  indolent,  that  I  would 
give  a  crown  to  know  which  is  the  most  lazy  of  you.'  '  I  am  he,' 
Cried  the  one  nearest  to  him,  still  stretching  himself  at  his  ease. 
4  Here,  then,'  said  the  youth,  holding  out  the  money.  '  Oh,  Master 
George,'  said  the  fellow,  folding  his  arms, '  do  pray  take  the  trou- 
ble of  putting  it  into  my  pocket  for  me.' 


A  man  attempted  to  seize  a  favourable  opportunity  a  few  days 
Bince,  but  liis  hold  slipped,  and  he  fell  to  the  ground, injuring  him 
self  considers 


\.        ■  .     :  .    I       , 


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